oh so now you're feeling guilty for it

[...]

The guilt came up right away the moment his eyes opened up in a shot, widening at the voice he could recognize by heart even still mingling in the limbs of sleep.

Phuwin's breathing hitched as he suddenly felt very aware of the contact on his hips, and the pistachio ceiling that certainly wasn't his or Dew's.

— Oh fuck!

— Phuwin?

His movements halted, an unpleasant shiver running down his spine. Phuwin sat down on the sheets, wincing as he felt the hand on his hips tightening. It actually didn't hurt as much as he thought—probably because of the massage he got this morning—but he still felt too suddenly aware of his surroundings, of what happened.

Fuck. He did it again.

His attention got caught up once again, the voice approaching as he felt momentarily stunned, before he shook Pond, who was still by his side, deep in sleep.

The sharp movements Phuwin was making finally succeeded just a minute after, and Pond started moving his body, waking up little by little, eyes still closed, though he could definitely sense the urgency.

— Pond, fuck!

Phuwin was panicking. His heart started to race, his mind was spiraling, and the intense feeling of knowing he made yet another bad decision made him want to scream, though his voice was nothing but a whisper. He couldn't exactly yell right now.

— Hmm...?

— Wake up! Dew's back!

— Huh?

Pond's eyes finally opened, utterly confused. Sleep was lingering on his eyelids as it fluttered, before he looked sideways, meeting Phuwin's eyes, which were filled with pure panic.

He didn't understand what was going on at all and it took him minutes to finally move again.

But it was only when he heard his little brother's voice, coming from the stairs, that he understood.

The latter was back. And judging by the dim light outside, it was probably also the end of the afternoon. Fuck. Already.

— Shit!

Phuwin gave him a pissed look, as Pond got up, still naked, and reached for his clothes on the floor. He was reeking of sweat and something along the scent of sex, so he knew, even without sparing a glance at himself in the mirror settled in the corner of his room, that he was probably looking way too well wrecked. No doubt of what he could've done to look like this. Absolutely disheveled.

He sighed, his mouth dry, pasty, Pond couldn't help but wished he hadn't been woken up so pressed, like a fire could burn his ass if he wouldn't move now. It really wasn't for him. When Phuwin's name resonated in the air once more, voice approaching dangerously, Pond didn't hold his eyes from rolling back. Dew was probably on his way to his room, looking for his best friend, for Phuwin, the same person Pond wished to lock in here for a bit more time.

Or forever. He wouldn't mind.

But reality knocked at his door faster, because if Dew wouldn't find Phuwin, well Pond wasn't exactly sure how they would explain where he was. Finding excuses wasn't his strong suit, at all.

— I can't let him see me in your room!

Panic was overflowing Phuwin's body who was already dressed up. He stood up, his eyes so wide and so expressive, Pond couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at him. This guy was definitely a mystery. One minute he's unreadable, the other he was a fucking open book.

But he didn't say anything, because Pond was also sensing like he had a lot of things to redeem himself from. Which, could also, be totally understandable.

He literally fucked the guy his brother likes.

Without thinking even once if it could hurt him even more than he already was. No, when Pond had Phuwin on top of him, then under him, all he could think about was how fucking good he felt inside of him. His morals? Gone. His guilt? Far away. He only cared about the way Phuwin was moaning more and more louder, and how his own heartbeat couldn't keep up its normal pace.

It wasn't just sex. It was a connection. A pull. Something that was growing inside of them. Something that wasn't going to be satisfied even after sharing such intimacy.

But Pond had to snap back into reality, when, fidgeting in the middle of his room, Phuwin was expressing very well how guilty he felt after what happened this morning.

It was readable through every shape of his face, through every of his scaredy kitten looks, and mostly through the way his body was so tense. At this vision, Pond sighed, and maybe he sighed too loud because Phuwin suddenly snapped at him.

— Why are you laughing?

— I'm not, I'm not.

Phuwin's brows stretched in a thin line on his forehead, his eyes narrowing in a mix of anger and frustration. How could he take it so lightly?

— I can hear you, dumbass. What is so funny to you? Because I'm not laughing right now. I shouldn't have d-

— But you did, Pond snapped back, though he didn't show how bothered he was by Phuwin's sudden flash of morality. And don't tell me you regret it, because when you screamed my name, it didn't feel like it.

Phuwin was stunned.

— What is wrong with you?

Pond sneered.

— What is wrong with you? he repeated in the most sarcastic way possible. We were both into it this morning, if I remember it correctly. And now you're pissed because my little brother might catch us together?

— He's my best friend and-

— Should've thought about that before you let me fuck you.

— You're a fucking asshole!

Pond raised his eyebrows, a sarcastic laugh escaping his mouth, frustration finally getting to him.

— Seems like you were okay with it though.

Flashes of conversation from last night were fragmenting in front of Phuwin and he wished he wasn't as guilty as Pond.

Of course he was, he knew it. It wasn't reasonable to put the blame on him only, but maybe it was seeing Pond being so bold, so unhinged, even after reality settled back, that was upsetting more than necessary. Or maybe it was the urgency of the situation. Or maybe it was both all at once. But at one point, Phuwin couldn't help getting mad against Pond.

He could barely breath, while Pond was here, knowing what they both did, and still not showing any sign of guilt.

It was his own brother for fuck sake!

— What we did didn't mean anything and it's the last time we're talk-

— Whatever helps you sleep at night.

With that, Pond turned his back, adjusting his jogging which was too loose, and kept showing off his Calvin Klein boxer. He didn't even bother to put on a shirt when he suddenly walked outside of his own room, leaving Phuwin speechless in the middle of his room.

And Phuwin stayed still, upset and confused, with the aftermath of everything they shared when no one was watching floating around him.

It hitted him intensively, as the sun was filtering through the closed window, the hot air making him sweat more than necessary making him feel dirtier than he ever did. It wasn't his first night stand, but it was the first time he felt like there was so much more to it than just a roll in the hay.

Maybe it was because he knew damn well how wrong it all was. Or maybe it was because he was angry at himself for giving in so easily. Unable to resist this fucking pull between them.

And now the guilt was having his head.

Though this morning, he never felt so alive.

Why does it have to be this wrong?

— You can go back to Dew's room and pretend whatever shit, I cleared the hallway, he won't catch you coming out of here.

Phuwin jolted, too into his own mind to realize that the door had just opened, showing up a Pond who didn't seem to care about anything at all. Like the same guy Phuwin met that night, arrogant and indifferent—which only made him look like the worst of assholes in the world.

— R-Really? Phuwin asked, hating how he suddenly felt so small and out of space.

Pond sneered.

— Yes, really, I literally just had to show my face for him to walk back down the stairs, so don't worry, you won't look as bad as I can possibly look right now. Good for you, isn't it?

The audible sarcasm made Phuwin's heart sink.

He never wanted this. He never wanted to be the reason both of the brothers would despise each other, or worse, ignore each other. It wasn't in his plan, actually nothing was in his fucking plan, starting from the fact that he didn't had one in the first place.

However, just as Pond said, Phuwin probably should've thought about it twice before taking things further, so far, to the point he found himself waking up in his bed.

— I'm-

— Just go, Pond sighed with a hint of surrender that he tried to hide. You're the one who said it was a one time thing. Don't start acting otherwise.

Phuwin bit his lip to blood.

Why did Pond suddenly sound like he was giving up, or worse, like he was disappointed, and even... hurt? No. It couldn't be. Pond wasn't the type to care about those things, right? It was just sex after all.

Right?

— Okay.

And even if they both felt their heart tightening, neither knowing the other felt the same, they didn't add anything else.

Phuwin shamefully looked down, as he walked away, not even feeling Pond's eyes on him anymore. He immediately ran to the room where he was supposed to spend the rest of his vacation—Which wouldn't be happening anymore, because he was sure he couldn't stand spending all of his time with his best friend while he was hiding such a huge secret—not wanting to be caught in the act.

His heart was in shambles.

Back in Dew's room, the silence resonated so loud Phuwin started feeling the guilt rising up in his throat, and he quickly made the decision to take a shower. He wanted to run away from his thoughts, from what just happened. To forget about his own messed up acts.

He felt bad, terrible even. For Dew. But also, despite his attempts to not feel it—for Pond. Whose last expression he was wearing before he walked away was far, far away, from indifference.

It was a mixture of frustration. Hurt. And maybe... regret?

Not for what they did but for how it ended.

Before it even started, on top of that.

Phuwin didn't even know what to do about it. How he should handle it. All he knew was that he had his face in mind, and lots of incertitude spiraling inside of him. Did he even regret what happened between them? The answer scared him just as he thought about it.

He knew it was too wrong.

To not regret even the slightest of what they shared. Even for just a moment, he couldn't. What happened felt like a mistake that you can't bring yourself to be sorry for, no matter if you were aware of how deeply wrong it was.

It didn't ease the fact that he felt like a terrible person, knowing he was "betraying" his best friend. Because, to a certain extent, even if Dew didn't own him, he was. And that was making him sick too.

Phuwin stripped, then entered the shower, his chest filled with overwhelming emotions—bad and shamefully good—to the point he was scared his heart would pour out of him.

The frustration, the hatred, the small arguments, Pond's expression; Phuwin let it all wash out away from him, as the cold water hit every fiber of his very visibly cherished skin.

And for just a second, he tried to forget about everything.

The night came up faster than expected though the sun was still dipping high in the mid-june sky. It was around 7 PM by now, and Phuwin's eyes were lost in the clouds, admiring the great shades of orange and pink, Dew sitting by his side.

— You're not listening.

Dew had the same tone as the Dew Phuwin forever knew, and for a second, the latter wondered if he did not just imagine what he felt deep within about the whole events of this day.

He tried to focus back on his best friend, who had that light open voice, the same pouting and the same glitter in his eyes, that pushed away the tension that was still lingering oddly. Dew seemed okay, so okay. So okay that Phuwin was starting to think that everything that had happened earlier was just a fever dream.

The fruit of his imagination.

— Sorry, he mumbled with a little voice, I'm a bit tired.

It was half a lie, and half a truth.

After he took his shower earlier, Phuwin measured the pros and cons before walking down the stairs. He was surprised when he didn't find Dew in the living room, but in the kitchen, helping out one of the maids who was cooking the meal.

He seemed so focused, so serious, the thin line on his forehead giving him away that for a second, Phuwin felt stuck, watching him, admiring him.

There were plenty of reasons why he always felt good around Dew, why he loved him so deeply, and maybe for a split moment, he wished, really hard, that he could return his feelings.

But when Dew looked up, maybe noticing his stare, their eyes met.

And Phuwin didn't feel anything.

So he understood.

He could only ever see Dew as his best friend.

Which to be fair, wasn't exactly a good thing. Why does he have to feel those types of things with Pond and not him? Why does his heart only react to Pond, and not him? Why does it have to be this way?

More confusing, more complicated.

Different.

— What are you thinking about?

Dew's voice snapped him back into reality and Phuwin bit his lower lip, caught in the act, embarrassed knowing he couldn't exactly say he was thinking about his older brother—who by the way didn't even bother giving any sign of life since their last encounter.

Phuwin was frustrated that no matter what, he couldn't help himself but think about Pond. It was inhuman to have only one person in mind at this point. He didn't like the feeling at all. It was annoying. And maybe a little more than that.

— No. Nothing. I'm just zoning out, don't worry.

A small smile spread on his cheeks but Dew noticed how it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Phuwin was lying, it was a fact, and knowing he was refusing to simply tell him what was going on his mind, made Dew feel slightly upset. He didn't say a thing though, trying to focus back on the TV without a word, while his mind was elsewhere entirely.

Just like Phuwin's.

When the first season of Ozark came to an end, neither he or Dew said anything, not even noticing that the ending scene just ended. There was an awkward silence stretching between them that neither of them noticed, at least not until the ending credits stopped abruptly.

And guessed they both didn't have enough patience because when Dew turned off the TV in a very frustrated movement, Phuwin's voice finally rose.

— Are you okay?

Dew's brows were raised in a thin line. He was mad. At a lot of things. And Phuwin couldn't help but feel this guilt tripping down his throat. He was scared Dew would know about what he did this morning with his older brother. He was scared that for some reason, Pond would have told him everything, twisting the story, calling him what he wasn't, and overall just spilling the hard truth.

Though he knew damn well the Letratkosum brothers weren't talking to each other. Like at all.

— I'm the one who should ask you this, snapped back Dew, drier than he wanted. You've been acting weird all day, what's wrong? Are you mad at me? Did I do something you didn't li-

— No! Not at all! cut off Phuwin swiftly. It's just...

— It's just what?!

His heart skipped a beat, for not enough good reason, the remorses he felt deep within him finally reaching the surface.

Phuwin never liked to lie, he was bad at it, first off because he never understood the need to do so. Even to his parents, who weren't accepting any of his life choices, he couldn't lie. And knowing he was now doing so to his own best friend—the very first person who never lied to him ever—was making him so uncomfortable he felt like puking.

He didn't like to hide anything. Not to his best friend. Not when it was so important. Not when it was his fault too. Not when he was so used to telling Dew everything.

And the fact that the latter was genuinely getting concerned—unsure if he was the main reason for Phuwin's weird behavior—was just heartbreaking. Since when did Phuwin feel the need to hide anything from Dew? Since fucking when?

— If it's not me then what is it?

This time, Dew's voice was lower, softer, and gentle.

As if he knew in what state Phuwin was locked.

But the care in Dew's voice only made Phuwin's stomach churn more. At this point, he couldn't feel anything but the guilt and the need to puke—which was getting more intense by each second.

He couldn't even look him in the eyes.

— I'm sorry... Phuwin finally mumbled, feeling like it was impossible to hide it even longer, and Dew grew more confused.

— What for?

He sounded concerned. Worried.

— For... For... I...

The words died. Phuwin felt like he was about to cry. He wanted to come clean—if there was even a way to come clean—but it was harder than he expected to do so.

He wasn't used to this.

To hurt the people he loved deeply.

— I'm going to Dunk's, see you la-

Pond facepalmed when the traitorous words came out of his mouth, out of habit as he was heading toward the door. Fuck. He was so used to letting his little brother know about his every move that for a second, he forgot they weren't exactly on good terms.

When his eyes caught up with both Dew and Phuwin, so many different emotions displayed on their faces, as the sound in his airpods kept blasting, Pond bit the inside of his cheeks to blood. He couldn't help but find it a bit comical how they were looking so serious and concerned while Reneé Rapp was blasting in his ears "leave me alone, bitch, I wanna have fun". But Pond didn't say a thing, aware there was nothing truly funny about being the reason they seemed at the verge of ending it all.

Incapable of holding his little brother's gaze, he muttered a sorry that quite didn't reach anyone's ears, even his own. The sensation of being the worst person on Earth settling back in his heart. He walked to the door head down, running away.

Phuwin was paralyzed.

And suddenly, it was about something else entirely that he started to worry about.

— The fuck is wrong with him? Dew's voice snapped him back into reality again.

The anger was undeniable, Phuwin felt his heart skip a beat in an odd way. It was churning. Everything inside of him. For a reason in particular. For a different reason in particular.

Because, if previously, he was worried about telling Dew the whole truth—now, he was way more worried about where Pond was heading. And who the fuck was Dunk anyway?

No. He couldn't think like that. Fuck his fucked up brain.

Phuwin took a deep breath, closing his eyes, while his best friend was still looking at the now closed door, as if he could put a spell on it so his brother would never cross this door ever again.

— You're mad at him? Phuwin finally whispered, shakingly, playing dumb, digging into his own grave.

Dew lifted his head to his best friend.

— Heck I am, he's an asshole.

True.

But so was Phuwin, if only he knew...

— What did he do? Phuwin continued as if he didn't actually know.

— Steal my crush.

A sarcastic laugh escaped his lips, while Dew diverted his gaze slightly. But Phuwin was stunned for a second because of how intense Dew's words felt. A shiver ran down his spine, half-terrified, half-enjoying.

Maybe it was him, the real asshole after all.

— That's... he didn't exactly know what to say and something seemed to pass through Dew's eyes.

A pause, their eyes met.

— I saw the texts, Phuwin.

— What...? but he knew.

— With my brother.

Dew's voice was dangerous. His eyes were intense. He wasn't ready to let it go or back down, not even a little, and when he saw the guilty glinter into his best friend's eyes, it was almost as if he knew exactly what happened after he left this morning.

Which, made him let out a sneer, as Phuwin still didn't answer.

— You guys were flirting, he accused, half-fake amused, half-angry.

— We... No... Wh-

— Don't even deny it, Phu. I know how you talk when you're flirting, and that's exactly what you did last night.

Phuwin was caught off-guard.

— Do you... he tried knowing damn well. Do you mind?

And his voice raised slightly, digging up a bit even as he already knew the answer.

Dew sneered louder. Humourless. Hurted. And mad. Phuwin blinked, but the knot in his throat only tightened. He knew all the answers and yet he was torturing his friend into making him think about it, making him say that it was okay, that he didn't mind, that he could do whatever he wanted, because after all, Phuwin never belonged to him.

And that was low. That was trash. How could he blame Pond when he was acting just as horrible as him? How could he?

Phuwin wanted to get his consciousness cleared, he wanted to get the guilt away from his heart and mind but at what cost? At trapping his own best friend, someone that mattered, into pushing him to say things he obviously didn't mean? Just because he knew Dew would have never confessed? He was just as trashy and manipulative as the guys he always despised. The same ones who made Dew lost weight, or his dignity.

Phuwin felt like he was playing, though it was in a game he didn't want, and that just made his heart feel heavier. He was so disgusted with himself. Doing all that after blaming Pond who at least, didn't pretend to be the good guy.

Who at least assumed.

Because at the end of the day, it was both of them who willingly made that mistake.

— Know what, Phuwin? articulated Dew with the drier tone Phuwin ever heard coming out of his best friend's mouth. I should say I don't mind, I should say I don't care, but really, I do care, and I can't stand it.

— Y-You care...? You can't stand it? repeated stupidly Phuwin.

Dew snickered.

— Yes, I can't. I truly can't. You...

They locked eyes, Dew seeming closer than what Phuwin thought, which for a split second, made him scared he would have to hear a confession. Selfishly, he prayed not to be in this position. He prayed his friend wouldn't dare. He prayed to those Gods he never believed in, to not put him sixty feet down into his own guilt. Under the Damocles' sword.

But it seemed like Gods hated him.

— I like you Phuwin. I... I like you like-

— I like you too my friend, Phuwin cut him off, panic striking through every fiber of his body as his face was so stiff he knew he was looking odd as fuck.

— Not like that, Dew cleared, his determination unraveling. What I mean is... I have a crush on you, alright? I don't know how you call it but, whatever that sounds like I like you, in a not so friendly way, is what I feel.

Stunned. Phuwin was stunned.

His eyes widened. It wasn't about the confession, because at some point, he knew. He already knew. But it was the determination. The surrendering and the way Dew supported his shocked gaze. He didn't seem hesitant. He looked like a guy who knew exactly what he wanted, and was doing anything to get it.

True to himself, not a coward or someone who feared his own feelings. Dew didn't want to back down. It wasn't just confessing, getting it out of his heart, it was wanting it, doing it, craving it.

And for a moment, Phuwin felt ill.

Weak, maybe.

— I... I don't kn-

— It's okay if you don't know what to say, just think about it. And don't worry, I won't do anything that could embarrass you or make you uncomfortable, it's not my thing.

He had to say it. He should say it.

It was the moment. Admitting his mistake, telling him he couldn't think about him that way, telling him he didn't feel the same, telling him he already got laid by his brother.

But the words were stuck. His throat was dry. And his mouth remained closed.

— Pizza or Tequila tonight?

Phuwin blinked, still dazed, still speechless. While Dew was being Dew and broke their eye contact, taking the remote in his hand, as if he didn't just drop a bomb.

Seconds stretched into minutes. He waited. As if everything was so normal, as if he hadn't just confessed, and Phuwin made the statement to himself that he certainly did not have the cardio for those Letratkosum brothers.

— Pizza, he finally answered.

Ain't no way he would get drunk if it was to do another mistake.