guilty?

[♥︎]

They didn't talk about it for days after.

But there were gazes, silent reaches, silent talks, quiet admiration, lingering looks. From afar, always. But still. There. Present. Incapable to ignore.

It was hard to pretend they didn't want to interact, to pretend they didn't want to be close again, to pretend they weren't absolutely seeking each other's presence in hallways or from silent "coincidences" when Phuwin wanted some water and suddenly Pond was there in the kitchen, searching for something to eat. They never talked, not when they knew Dew was also here, closer than they'd think, in the living room, or ruminating about something loud enough to be heard.

No, never.

But one look, one touch, and they were gone.

No matter how much they wanted to pretend, having the other so close was too much, too intoxicating, it felt like a fire was burning inside of them and was ready to destroy everything. Though none of them gave in.

They act as if. As if everything was normal. As if they were strangers, or acquaintances, nothing more, nothing less, though there was so much more to undercover. Dew didn't notice anything, and the fact that he was still not speaking to his own brother was bathing the place in some weird tension where Phuwin knew better than to interact with the main cause of it. He didn't want to pour the fuel to the fire. And at the same time, he couldn't help but stare a bit too long when Pond would swim from time to time a few laps into the pool, innocently looking at Phuwin when the latter would simply be resting on the deckchair. Both of them topless.

Like right now.

As Dew was talking, resting on the other deckchair by his side, Phuwin was laying flat on his stomach, his head directed toward the pool, shamelessly watching Pond swimming, hopefully hidden by his sunglasses.

But not quite hidden well because, when Pond raised his face from under the water, he totally noticed Phuwin's lack of attention toward his little brother, and selfishly he enjoyed this even more. He winked, and Phuwin who got caught in the act choked on his saliva, immediately adopting another position as he started to cough a lot. To the point that even Dew stood up, a hand on his bare back, worried.

— Phu? You okay?

The latter couldn't answer as he was still coughing, and it didn't help when his eyes fell in front of him, where Pond was watching them with narrowed eyes.

— Wait, I'll go grab some water.

Dew finally retired his hand and headed back into the living room, leaving Phuwin whose eyes didn't leave Pond's, still unbelievably attracted to him, even as he tried to clear his throat.

Pond got out of the water with one swift movement, his whole body drenched with water, as he pulled his hair back carelessly, walking toward Phuwin who felt himself both calming down and panicking.

First, because Pond was so damn attractive. Second, because Dew could come back at any moment.

— What are you doing? he yelled-whispered as Pond stopped in front of him, his hand landing on Phuwin's bare back, right where Dew touched him a second before.

— Trying to calm you down obviously... he replied, in the most innocent way possible, almost believable if his eyes didn't possess a darkness that betrayed him.

He seemed jealous.

And Phuwin couldn't help the words from spilling out his mouth.

— You look jealous.

— I'm not.

— Oh, really?

Pond narrowed his eyes, hand now caressing his back, sliding dangerously low. To the swell of his ass. Which calmed Phuwin down almost immediately, while he bit his lip to blood, a little habit that only made Pond more frustrated.

— Don't you dare think about making me even more jealous, he warned.

— So you're jealous.

— No.

Before they could continue talking, Pond heard his little brother approaching, and took a step away from Phuwin who looked both disappointed and confused. They broke eye contact as the glass-window slid, and when Phuwin looked back at Dew for a second, then back again in front of him, Pond was already gone by the garden.

He sighed, his heart hammering in his chest. It was definitely hard to act as if absolutely nothing was going on between them when Pond was acting like this.

— You're so red, Phuwin. Are you sure you're okay?

He jolted a bit, his best friend coming into vision as he guiltily bit his lower lip. Dew lifted his face to the side, confused.

— Yeah, sorry.

— Hmm.

Dew did not look convinced at all.

The night fell and they were now eating in the living room, pizza boxes laid on the designer table, as Dew couldn't help but glance at Phuwin, for a lot of different reasons. He wasn't exactly suspicious about anything, but since this afternoon, he couldn't help but notice that Phuwin was glowing. It was both delighting and confusing to see him this way. Because what could possibly be the cause?

Certainly not him.

Maybe in the back of his heart he knew. Or maybe his sickening jealousy was having a hand over him. Maybe he was imagining things, seeing things, or even just hurting himself. All he knew was that he felt his nerves coming back every time Pond would cross the same room they were in.

It was like he was doing it on purpose, like he couldn't help but be in the same room as him, whenever Phuwin was there too. When it was just him in this damn big ass living room, or kitchen, or by the pool, Pond would never be anywhere near him.

They hadn't talked since then. Since the morning where he found about his brother's flirty texts toward the one he had a crush on, and kinda still do. It was better like this. His anger was still fresh, the betrayal he felt deep within him lingered. He didn't want to see his brother's face, nor hear his voice, but well, they lived in the same place, so it was complicated to avoid him completely.

Dew would've never thought they could pass from close family to barely even acknowledging each other. It was weird, disappointing, but also, it just hurted. Pond was his brother after all. And their usual banter going into waste was slowly making a hole into his heart.

Even his pride was crackling. Though he didn't say anything.

There was nothing to say anyway.

Pond had been an asshole, he didn't even apologize, he didn't even try. To earn his trust back, to earn just a bliss of his existence, as if it didn't even matter anyway. It wasn't the truth, obviously, far from it, but what else would he believe when Pond wasn't even trying to do something? Anything? Even if he wouldn't forgive him right away, he could've tried, no?

Dew felt his heart ache.

He never wanted to lose his brother, because he knew the care between them couldn't just vanish like that, and as the days passed he just felt himself growing stupid.

He could see he had no chance of getting with Phuwin. If the latter even considered him, well he hadn't shown any sign of being interested, and Dew couldn't help but feel disappointed. He sighed. It was bothering him, but it was harder to accept the fact that not being able to talk with Pond was even more bothering. Despite the betrayal, he felt his heart ache feeling like he was getting more and more distant from his own brother, the only one in this fucked up family who seemed sane, though he clearly wasn't.

But oh well.

— Dew?

A hand on his knee made him basically jump off the sofa, his heart dropped in his stomach, before he met Phuwin's worried gaze.

— Is everything alright? I tried to call you multiple times but...

He didn't finish and Dew sighed out loud, not even bothering himself to look okay. He wasn't. And all this tension simmering through his entire body since days now was slowly but surely getting to him.

— Not really, he shrugged, diverting his gaze to the TV who was playing a livestream.

— Wanna talk about it?

Dew considered for a second, really considered, the pros and cons, if it was worth getting it out of his chest, or just loss of time. At the end, he only shrugged again. He had nothing to lose after all, though maybe he did actually. But he was too petty anyway to worry about it.

— Honestly, I don't even know what's wrong with me, he admitted. One day I'm mad at Pond because he's being an asshole and I can't stand his presence at all, and the other, I want him to try talking, even if I'd never forgive him just like that. Also, I'm jealous. But I know damn well I can't be and I'm clearly not supposed to say this right now, but oh well.

His nerves had given out. Dew turned back at Phuwin who was waiting patiently, caring, concerned.

Then, he let it all out.

— Is something going on between you and Pond? I know I shouldn't ask, I know it's not my business, I know you don't own me anything, but my mind won't stop overthinking shit so I just want an answer. You don't need to justificate yourself, and I won't even be mad about it if you're just being honest with me right now. So... Did something happen? Or... Do you... Do you feel something for him?

And Phuwin felt stuck all over again.

For a few seconds, his breath hitched, and he forgot how to even think rationally. The words died as they formed in his mind. He didn't like this at all, he didn't even know how to react. He was stunned, confused, and overall uncomfortable. To be fair, he didn't want to talk about himself. And surely not about his feelings. Everything was messed up and wrong, and Phuwin wouldn't even acknowledge what he felt deeply for Pond. So to say it? No. Absolutely not. He wanted to let it flow, to stay in this tight in-between where he didn't exactly know what he felt because he wasn't even sure if he wanted to know in the first place.

There was this pull, yes. This attraction, undeniable. But the whole situation was a mess, maybe it was even nonsense, maybe it was the secrecy of it all, the fact that it was kind of forbidden. Maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe it was just a fling, something like that.

Phuwin felt his stomach churn at the thought. He knew damn well he was lying to himself.

With a deep breath, he locked eyes with Dew, because, the problem when you lie once, will always be that it'll lead to another lie, whether you want it or not.

— There is nothing between me and Pond, okay Dew?

He sounded oddly honest for someone who was lying.

Phuwin hated it but the truth he himself feared, was harder to say than to lie, so he kept a straight face as Dew analyzed him, searching for any sign of dishonesty.

— I'm sorry, Phuwin, he finally replied, his expression loosened up a little. I really had to ask... It was bothering me, though I know I shouldn't feel that way cause well yeah, I said I wouldn't embarrass you but-

He cut himself, his cheeks adoring a bright pink that made Phuwin bite the inside of his cheeks.

— But thank God nothing happened cause I'd have felt even more shitty and betrayed.

And maybe it was Phuwin's last straw that day because even when Pond came downstairs, he didn't give him even one look, or even just a smile. Ignoring him as he should've done days ago. Though it was killing him a little bit each second Pond spent trying to simply lock eyes with him.

Of course the latter had noticed. Phuwin felt it in the way each of his moves were quietly followed by a burning sight, and he was trying his best to avoid it. All night. When they ate, when they finished watching the livestream, when they watched a horror movie, Pond was observing him. Passing from time to time to eat something in the kitchen, or to smoke outside where he'd be displayed under the moonlight, waiting patiently for just a sign that Phuwin wasn't ignoring him.

But he was. Obviously. No matter how much noises Pond was making, no matter how many times he'd pass by, Phuwin just wouldn't look at him. Not even once. Not even a little bit. It was as if he didn't exist and the feeling wasn't exactly exhilarating.

It was confusing. Frustrating. He felt like Phuwin was giving him mixed signals, especially after their little banter by the pool today. When Phuwin hadn't even bothered hiding the fact that he was staring at his whole body entirely. So what could have changed between this morning and now?

What have he done?

Or what happened?

So many questions and so few answers. Pond got back into his room with a frustrated sigh that Phuwin certainly noticed. Without another word or another minute sharing the same room as them, Pond waited patiently for the night to pass, and the living room to clear.

Back in Dew's room, after watching Saw and Insidious, which oddly helped Phuwin to calm down, the two best friends found themselves playing Uno, very enthusiastically for a good hour, before Dew dropped on his bed, his eyes droopy.

Phuwin nudged him, because despite the fact that Dew confessed a few days ago already, nothing had really changed in their dynamics. They still teased, they still got worried, and they still cared about each other the same. Dew made it clear that he wouldn't try anything and Phuwin was reassured to see that it was true.

There was no reason to be awkward even when they were just the two of them. Like every other day before.

— You're like a kid, who can't help falling asleep after midnight.

Dew rolled his eyes, not less amused, and put the plaid around him, even if it was pretty hot in the room. He couldn't sleep without something covering him, it felt wrong.

— And you have too much energy for a guy who got eyebags and looks ten years older because of his lack of sleep.

— Fuck you.

— Love you too, bud.

Phuwin rolled his eyes but adjusted himself into the bed, a comfortable silence taking place as he started staring at the ceiling, and Dew started closing his eyes.

Phuwin was right though, after midnight, Dew was knocked out. Like a little child.

— Good night, Phu. Sorry again for earlier.

A small smile spread on his lips, half-sad, half-calm.

— Good night, Dew. Don't worry.

But Phuwin did neither. Because after Dew fell asleep, he was still here, by his side, his eyes locked on the ceiling, and his mind a whirlwind of every bad decision that led him to this.

He felt stupid. He was stupid. And he needed a breeze of cold air, just to snap him back into reality. Or out of reality.

This time, he wished nobody would bother him, even Pond—especially Pond—because he really didn't have the heart nor the mind for any other human interaction.

Phuwin took a packet of cigarettes, his phone and his earbuds, plugged them in, before playing something relatively loud that he discovered recently. Megalomaniac by KMFDM invaded his ears, covering his thoughts as he got out of his best friend's room.

Just as the other night, he walked down the stairs, passed through the living room, and silently made his way to the pool. He adopted the same position as before, and sat down, legs stretching into the water. He had to admit though, this part of the house was relaxing him even more at night, when he couldn't find any sleep or any peace of mind. It was like a rewind.

His thoughts seemed to clear, at least enough, and Phuwin took one cigarette out of the packet, bringing up to his mouth, the lighter he had stolen from Dew in the other hand. He lit it up, and let the smoke calm down his nerves. It felt good even if it was destroying his lungs. Tonight, it felt necessary. Though maybe it wasn't really.

He didn't care. He stayed like this. Music in his ears, covering up his thoughts, invading his mind. The sensation of his skin in the water soothing his heart little by little, just like the fresh breeze. The outlines of the mountains ahead, perfect vision at the top of the world.

Slowly, his shoulders eased, his breath got steady, he relaxed. His surroundings were helping, and for once, he didn't feel like he was suffocating. Okay, maybe a little. But not as much as earlier. He wasn't thinking much. He especially wasn't thinking much.

Phuwin had his eyes closed, moving slightly to the rhythm of the music in his ears. Old tubes, hard rock, then some blues, then some bossa-nova. He felt a little better.

For some unknown reason, he started to think about his family, back at home, in the not so opulent streets, probably hair growing white and old. Phuwin knew he was running away. Constantly. From his parents, from his expectations, from Dew's confession or Pond's lingering gazes. Even for the choice of his university.

He didn't know what to do later, didn't know what to do in a few more years. The future was a blur, just like his mind. When they did a sort of Q&A in his class during the last day of high school, everyone had answers, everyone knew. When you're fifteen, you don't know, it's normal, you've got three years ahead to find yourself, and they all did. Some knew they wanted to save lives, others knew they wanted to build a family, find a stable job that paid well. Lawyers, doctors, engineers, teachers, a whirlwind of careers, goals, even dreams. It was clear. The future wasn't scary, it was clear. It was written.

But whenever Phuwin tried to imagine where he'd be in a few more years, there was just... nothing. It was blank. It was a blur. It was empty. It wasn't clear. It was a business he didn't even want and courses he didn't even know if he was interested in. It was what people wanted and never what he wanted, first of all because he didn't know exactly what he wanted. He didn't even have an inch of an idea.

He was too complicated. He needed to accept it. He needed to stop running away. Like he was doing constantly. Even right now, even on vacation. He needed to be more honest with himself, before being with the others.

But he didn't know how to do it.

When you're growing up, there's no notice on how to manage life. You're just kinda land off between sharks and fishes, between people and obligations, and you have to find your place. Whether you like it, or not.

So maybe it was also life that was just as complicated.

Phuwin didn't know, and the more he was thinking about it, the more he was freaking out.

So he focused back on the music, a french bossa-nova artist named Aupinard playing, and even if he didn't understand anything, he just vibed along, crushing his cigarette in an empty seashell kept for that purpose.

It didn't matter yet. Not now. Not as the night went on.

And it was probably one or two hours later that Phuwin got surprised by his phone, suddenly lighting up because of a notification. 2: 55 AM. Who could possibly bother him at this hour? He was already at his third cigarette, and his eyes were slowly getting droopy too, though he knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep until probably the morning, when the sun would come up.

When he realized the unknown number, curiosity peeked through his eyes, as he unlocked his phone, reading the simple message that made the cat get his tongue, before his eyes widened.

Unknown - today, 2: 55 AMIceman u asleep?

Phuwin stared at least five long seconds at the screen, like he couldn't believe it, before processing who was behind that number just because of the surname.

Only one person had ever called him that. And before he could think further, his fingers snapped on the screen faster.

Me - today, 2: 57 AMHow did you get my number?It's Pond right?

Unknown - today, 2: 57 AMwho else calls u like that duh

Me - today, 2: 57 AM🙄

Me - today, 2: 58 AMOkay but how did you get my number tho? I don't remember giving it to you

Unknown - today, 2: 58 AMit doesnt matter oh

Me - today, 2: 58 AMOf course it does!! answer.

Unknown - today, 2: 59 AM🙄🙄

Unknown - today, 2: 59 AMI might have stolen Dew's phone earlier at the pool and looked through it to get your number...

Me - today, 2: 59 AMAre you crazy??????

Unknown - today, 3: 00 AMjust a little I promise not so much

Unknown - today, 3: 00 AMdon't get scared ;)

Me - today, 3: 00 AMI'm not scared you freak but what do you even want

Me - today, 3: 01 AM🤨🤨

Unknown - today, 3: 01 AMYOU 😍🥰😘

Me - today, 3: 01 AMIm gonna block you

Unknown - today, 3: 02 AMdanggg can't even joke w you anymore 😔💔

Me - today, 3: 02 AMShut upp and tell me what do you really want

Unknown - today, 3: 02 AMcan't a boy just b insomniac and want to talk w another insomniac? Im bored yk... 😔

Me - today, 3: 03 AMI don't believe you

Me - today, 3: 03 AMSo???

Unknown - today, 3: 03 AMwellllllllll

Unknown - today, 3: 04 AMwhy did you ignore me all night? I thought we were just fine this afternoon but guess not

Unknown - today, 3: 04 AMso mind telling me what I did to get this frustrating silent treatment from you?

Phuwin stared at his phone for a whole minute, his eyes never leaving Pond's last messages. He felt a pang in his chest, and didn't exactly know if it was good or not. His fingers stopped abruptly though they were itching, and Phuwin started measuring the pros and cons of replying. He could've just called it a day and headed back to Dew's room, forgetting about this and never speaking about it ever again as he was sure Pond wouldn't dare talk to him if Dew was near, which he would make sure to be. But something made him think about it twice, and maybe a little more.

Minutes stretched. Phuwin was conflicted. Talking to Pond like this, and not face to face was easier, but it still felt deeply wrong. His guilt had been lingering all day, and even now, he couldn't exactly extract it out of his mind or chest. He was already feeling bad about the conversation he had with Dew earlier, but he also felt bad about the fact that Pond was bothered enough to ask him if he did anything wrong. Because neither of them did. It was just him and his guilty conscience finally eating him up.

It already felt so wrong to talk to Pond like this, by messages, just like the first night they really talked, memories floating around him like a reminder of the peace he had found that night. Pond never made him feel out of space, he was there when he needed it, he was there when he wanted it, he was there like a place you'd find when you search for a home. And as much as it all felt wrong, it also felt deeply right. Like everything was at its place, especially himself.

Phuwin never felt that before. Never with Dew or with any of his exes. It was new. It was terrifying. And overall, it was also exhilarating. Like something you can't get enough, a drug, an addiction, a pull undeniable. They were like two magnets, gravitating toward each other with full force, ready to meet each other at any given opportunity, even if it was wrong.

Especially if it was wrong.

Me - today, 3: 07 AMYou didn't do anything it's just

Me - today, 3: 07 AMI had a conversation with Dew when we were eating, he told me he was jealous, he told me that if anything happen between us he'd take it as a betrayal, because he confessed and because I told him there was nothing between you and I

Me - today, 3: 07 AMWhich isn't even true...

Me - today, 3: 08 AMSo yeah... I might have gotten a guilty conscience all over and I guess that's why, I felt overwhelmed, sorry, I didn't mean to make you think it was your fault

Phuwin bit the inside of his cheeks, the sent button already pressed as he read himself, feeling the vulnerability of it all making him uncomfortable. He didn't exactly know why he felt like he needed to say all that. But he did and now it was too late to take the words back.

Now stressed, he waited for his answer, not knowing if he really wanted to keep this conversation going or not.

Unknown - today, 3: 08 AMDew confessed?

Me - today, 3: 08 AMYes he did...

Unknown - today, 3: 08 AMand what did you say?

Phuwin felt his heart skip a beat, he didn't exactly know why.

Me - today, 3: 09 AMI couldn't answer he shut me off first telling me to just think about it

Unknown - today, 3: 09 AMand did you think about it?

Me - today, 3: 09 AMNot really...

For a whole minute, and maybe two, Phuwin stared at his phone with his lip bitten to blood, Pond hadn't replied yet, which made Phuwin worried as if he had just said something he shouldn't have. He frowned, waiting for the vibration of a new message, his eyes closing just a second to bring a bit of calm in his heart now racing slightly faster. He didn't want this conversation to stop and he realized it when another minute passed without any notification. He closed his phone, already feeling disappointed at the thought of Pond not replaying, now feeling guilty for it too. Will it ever go away? Or will he have to live with it all his life?

It was oddly tiring to feel this much.

Almost giving up, calling it a day for real now, Phuwin basically jolted when his screen brightened up once again, making his heart race anew.

Unknown - today, 3: 14 AMcome into my room

Unknown - today, 3: 14 AMplease?

Then, as Phuwin was already thinking it over, another message popped up.

Unknown - today, 3: 15 AMif you don't want anything to happen, I promise nothing will happen, so please come, my door is unlocked

And maybe Phuwin didn't need much to get up, walking back to the same stairs he started to know by heart, his own hammering in his chest, ready to jump, a mix of anticipation and anxiety eating up the guilt.

His steps were quiet until he stopped in front of the door he left in a hurry weeks ago, raising his hand into a fist, hesitating, before bringing back his arm straight, simply pushing open the indeed unlocked door.

Pond's room was bathed in a very dim light coming off the lamp at his desk, where he was sitting, in front of an illuminated laptop, though his eyes were locked on his phone, probably reading their previous messages. He wasn't wearing anything other than a gray jogging, and he clearly didn't seem to be aware of Phuwin's presence. Not until the latter cleared his throat, closing the door behind him.

— Hey...

Pond jolted, probably surprised to see him enter without a knock, or just surprised because Phuwin hadn't replied to his last messages, but he rapidly shrugged it off and got up.

He didn't close the distance between them and just sat down on his bed, his hand tapping the spot beside him for Phuwin to join him, silently, calmly, patiently. Even if his jaw seemed slightly clenched and his eyes oddly burning.

The fire was clear inside of them.

Phuwin gulped but walked to him and sat down, adjusting his posture to act more comfortable, and less tense, but honestly, both of them were failing at hiding their true feelings.

— You're okay? Pond asked after a second stretching too long.

— I guess... Why did you want me here?

They were clearly nervous, and a bit of a mess. Pond was uncomfortable because he for sure wasn't used to doing all this, though he cleared his throat and tried to get over it. Actually, it was already a relief that Phuwin accepted to come in here. He was grateful for it.

— Sorry... I'm so bad at this actually... I guess... I guess I was just jealous, that's why.

— Jealous? repeated Phuwin, half-surprised, and half-anticipating the rest.

Pond wanted to roll his eyes at his own mouth betraying him, but he just kept fidgeting, finding it so difficult to keep up with Phuwin's gaze totally on him, watching him, listening, like no one else ever did.

He felt important all of a sudden. He felt like he mattered.

It was new. Intoxicating.

— Well yeah... A little... I was just wondering if it ever crossed your mind you know...

— To date Dew?

Pond frowned but nodded.

— Hum.

Phuwin laughed, because despite his own nervousness, he could feel that Pond had it worse. So he relaxed, letting his back rest on the mattress, Pond's eyes never leaving him, while his own were stuck on the pistachio ceiling. He liked it here. It was different from Dew's room where everything was kind of minimalist and only white. Here, the room was quite colorful, though not so bright, but it felt full. It felt like every corner, every little and small object displayed there and there, were at their right place. It was a mess, of course, but a kind of beautiful mess.

Just like what they were.

Just like what they have.

— It did cross my mind, admitted Phuwin without sparing him a glance because it was easier to talk when they weren't looking at each other. For a second only. Before I realize I don't like him that way, and I can't like him that way no matter how much I try.

— But he could treat you well. He could treat you very well.

He could treat you better than me. But Pond had it worse when it was coming to talk about his own flaws, and it wasn't like what he was saying didn't cost him as well. He didn't want to have to say that, he didn't want to acknowledge that Dew was treating the person he loved better than him.

— I know, Phuwin smiled sadly. But I can't control what I feel, you know? It's not like I can just return his feelings like that. It doesn't work like this, I've been there before.

Pond tilted his head to the side though Phuwin couldn't see. For a whole second, he just stared at Phuwin, who was laying beautifully on his own bed, just like this day...

— What do you mean? he dared ask.

And Phuwin didn't know why, but the words flowed out of his mouth before he could even process it. For a reason he couldn't understand, Phuwin was feeling oddly comfortable.

As if the tension that had been building up inside of him since too long was finally releasing.

In an oddly calm way.

— When I was in middle school, one of my close friends asked me out, and it was like... Probably the first time someone ever asked me out at that time. I wasn't exactly the dream boyfriend with my chubby cheeks and pimples, puberty was hitting you know? So yeah... I accepted it, I convinced myself I was in love, I convinced myself I felt something, but I didn't. I didn't. Not even a bit. And pretending for a long time didn't do us any good because in the end, I still lost her. I felt like shit, I felt like something was wrong with me. I broke her heart which broke mine too at the same time. Because I cared about her, but surely not that way... I know she's the victim here, because she never forced me or anything, but... It still sucked. I wanted so badly to love her like that but...

— It doesn't work like that, completed Pond with a knowing look.

Phuwin kept a small smile on his face, the one that didn't quite reach his eyes.

He felt vulnerable, sharing a part of himself like that, something he barely shared with anyone, even Dew, and it should've scared him more, but he couldn't have cared less. Pond made him feel like he wouldn't judge, like somehow, he'd understand, even if he never experienced the same.

— Exactly... It doesn't work like that.

Phuwin remembered the break up, how it felt to hurt someone he actually loved deeply, though not the way he was expected to. He remembered the way she cried, the way he felt like shit, the way the guilt had been eating him up alive, every night, every day, until school was over. The loss of a friend was terrible. And maybe if he just... Maybe if he had been more honest, maybe if he hadn't pretended, and maybe if the imposter that he was was never being undercover, things would have ended up differently. Maybe if he wasn't a coward, she would still be his friend, just like Dew was now, even if he confessed.

But it was always 'if, if, if' and at the end of the day, he still had lost a dear friend, even if he never wanted to hurt her in the first place.

It really wasn't his proudest moment, and Phuwin took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, one of his arms lifting up to cover up his face a little. The vulnerability of himself was getting to him.

— And... I definitely can't make the same mistake with Dew. Because I care too much about him and I can't lose him. I really can't. He's my best friend, he's someone I care deeply about. The last thing I'd do would be to hurt him, but now...

A pause, but the time didn't stop.

— Now you're here and I'm scared. I'm scared of what all this means. I'm scared of losing Dew if I give in to you. Because, and I'm really sorry, but if I have to choose between this... And I don't even know what this is... I'll choose my friendship with Dew.

Pond felt his heart aching.

— I'm sorry.

— Phuwin...

Pond's voice was a whisper, a quiet surrender. He understood. He understood what Phuwin meant. Though it didn't make it hurt less.

What they were sharing right now was too unstable. They couldn't even name it, to say. It was something. But something neither of them could describe. It was a pull, yes. It was an attraction, for sure. It was this intoxicating feeling, that fire in their eyes whenever they would look at each other. It was something uncontrollable and probably forbidden. But it was here.

And it didn't seem to let them go.

Even when they tried.

Because they did try.

Ignoring each other, ignoring the mess inside of them whenever they were too close, or whenever they would accidently lock eyes. Ignoring the fire fueling inside of them whenever someone was talking about the other. Trying to keep their composure. Trying to not give in. Trying to ignore that something was here, still, and stable, incapable of disappearing away no matter what.

It was burning, constantly fueling.

They knew, the moment they gave in that day, the moment Phuwin ended up in this room, hands on him, mouth on him, emotions spiraling, and touched like he was the seventh wonder of this world, something sacred, and precious, like porcelain, or glass, that there was no turning back. It was too consuming. Too impossible to ignore. They could've never got enough.

They. Could've. Never. Got. Enough.

They both felt it and they both tried to pretend. It was a one time thing, just sex, just a mistake, nothing else. It'd never happen again, bullshit. Because it did happen again. Because they probably forgot way too easily that you couldn't exactly pretend forever.

Their true nature had come back in full force, because of course it always did.

And they couldn't get enough.

Of each other.

Of this thing they shared and didn't seem to go away.

— I can't pretend like you're just anyone, Phuwin. It's... I swear I tried. I tried to suppress it. That night when I met you, I tried to convince myself it was nothing much, just me and my desperate self of wanting everything I can't. But then I kept thinking about you, like seriously, it was embarrassing. I barely even talked to you and yet I had your face in my damn messed up mind. And then...

Pond felt suddenly very uncomfortable about what he was sharing. Something was weighing around his heart, making him always remember that he wasn't the type to do this. It wasn't like him. He never did that. He never tried.

But at the same time, he knew, that if he wouldn't share it now, he'd never have another opportunity.

And the thought of losing Phuwin before anything even started, was unbearable.

So he continued:

— Then, you arrived here, you spent your time in the same place as mine, you... You were here everywhere I went and I slipped. I shouldn't have. Of course. Because I knew my brother wanted you already. But... Can you blame me? My living dream was here, closer than ever, and God expected me to not do anything? How could I, Phuwin?

— You... You already had your eyes on me? Since all this time?

He sounded stunned and surprised, both at once. And Pond sneered, though it was devoid of any amusement. He was serious. Dead-serious.

— Yeah, since all this time, crazy isn't it? Even I can't believe it. Because trust me, I never was the type to settle on anyone.

— So why me? Phuwin dared ask as he couldn't help himself, the curiosity bigger than his reasons, his heart hammering harder with each concession.

Something was beginning to take shape.

— I don't know, Phuwin... It's not something easy to explain. You're... I mean, you make me feel like I'm enough by myself, with all my flaws and all this shit, you know? And, Pond sneered again, not believing what he was about to say. You're the first person to make my heart race faster by just a look. It's scary and intense, I don't exactly like to feel like you can make it stop if you decide to keep on ignoring me or... Worse.

— Worse?

— I don't know, he shrugged, feeling shy. I just don't want you to ignore me. I don't want you to pretend that nothing is going on between us, because, I mean, I know you feel it too... Right?

It sounded like a plea and Pond diverted his gaze on his door, biting the inside of his cheeks, his heart racing so fast he was scared it'd jump out of his chest. Phuwin was overwhelming him in the most exhilarating and scary way ever.

He felt so alive though.

So he hoped Phuwin was feeling it too.

— I do...

It was two words, but two words that fueled the fire inside of Pond in such a way he was scared he would explode. He tried not to show, his pride coming back a little, but not so much, as he knew they both needed to have this conversation.

This reassurance.

— So what are we doing? asked Phuwin after a minute too long.

— That's what I've been asking myself too.

Their eyes found each other, and a small tiny smile broke on their face.

The spark was more than alive.

— It's too complicated isn't it? said Phuwin with the most soothing tone he ever had, as if it wasn't actually that bad, that complicated.

Pond nodded but the tiny sincere smile never left his lips, like a quiet surrender, a quiet equilibrium, something that was beginning to take shape and be more consistent. More imposing.

— It is but...

— But?

— I wanna take the risk. I wanna try.

Phuwin smiled. More bright. More high. Because despite everything, it was exactly what he wanted to hear.

It was the only thing he needed.

His hand lifted up, hesitant, then sure, putting a strand of hair behind Pond's ear, while the latter kept looking at him, eyes burning up. The silence fell, but nothing felt awkward, nothing felt forced. Nothing will happen, if you don't want anything to happen. Fuck it.

— Kiss? teased Phuwin as he noticed how eagerly Pond's eyes were staring at his lips.

— Fuck yes, I'm better at this than words.

— You're not so bad with w-

His words died in his throat as Pond bent over, capturing softly his mouth in his, closing his eyes, taking in a deep breath, like it was all he needed to breathe again.

Phuwin melted into the kiss, his other hand lifting around Pond's neck, gripping him as a lifeline to reality, terrified that he'd lose himself without it.

Their kiss was charged with everything they just admitted, and everything they didn't yet. Less messy than the others, and definitely more gentle, more savoured, like they were taking their time memorizing how the other felt on their lips. It was another surrender, another claim, a kiss that sealed exactly the complexity of what they were both feeling.

And they moved in sync, in harmony, Phuwin losing himself in the kiss, into his lips parted, his breath hitching, and the spark burning up everything inside of him. Pond wasn't better, actually he was probably worse. His heart was hammering, like it never did, like he needed it, he needed him, and as scary as it felt, he didn't want to stop, not even one second.

Then it grew desperate, and less gentle. The fire releasing into their kiss, their gestures. Phuwin parted his lips more, letting Pond's tongue enter him with a small gasp. He arched his back, trying to get a hold of Pond, a hold of this something insatiable between them. It was so intoxicating. So tension-releasing.

They were losing their mind but oxygen was missing quicker than they'd have wanted, so they parted from each other, just slightly, face an inch from the other, breathing ragged, eyes blown, pupils dilated with the same spark that made them lose it the very first time.

— Woah... whispered Phuwin as everything inside of him felt oddly alive.

Pond wasn't doing better.

— You drive me crazy, really. I'm so weak for you, I feel like I can never get enough of you... It's so unfair.

And Phuwin didn't need anything else to chase his lips once more, losing his mind at his words too.

When they broke away from their making session one hour later, both of them felt oddly satisfied and at peace. It was still wrong, it was still complicated, but as the sun was slowly dipping into the sky for another day, neither of them could help but only care about the feeling of having the other pressed against themselves.

Needed and impossible to ignore.

— I really care about you Phuwin, dared to admit Pond courageously as Phuwin was telling him he really should go back to Dew's room since the latter could wake up at any minute by now. It's not just a fling to me, if you still wondered... And... And I hope it's the same for you too. Though you can still do whatever you want with that information.

Phuwin felt even more touched. He could clearly tell that Pond was genuinely not used to confessing so many things like this, but he tried. He really tried.

And that was certainly enough.

— I promise, I'll really think about it, and you don't have to worry, okay? You're not the only one in this. I just need time. To sort it out and tell everything to Dew. I know I need to be honest with both of you, I can't keep sneaking into your room like this and lie.

Pond nodded, even if he couldn't help but worry anyway.

— Good night, Phuwin.

— Good night, Nara.