Chapter 138

Katniss

Gale's wife's funeral is scheduled for tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not completely sure I can force myself to attend. She's being buried in the meadow, the place where the grass now grows tall and green and the dandelions bloom. It's by far the most beautiful place in the District, although I may be a bit biased. It's the place where my sister sleeps, yards below the grass and the dandelions. She's been there for years, although it only feels like days have passed since I watched her die. I remember her almost perfectly. I could still describe the way she smelled to anyone; soap mixed with cat hair and a hint of lilac. We had lilacs outside of our house growing up. Prim loved to pick them and put them around our house. She said she did it because she liked the smell, which is understandable. They smell beautiful. But I know she did it because our mother's face brightened just a little bit when she saw the flowers. 

Not a day passes where I don't miss her. I miss her touch, her laugh, her beautiful blue eyes and golden hair. I long for her kindness, her acceptance. She accepted me how I was, no matter what. Even on my worst days, she would be there for me. To this day, I still feel the gaping whole she left in my heart from time to time. That void will never be filled again. No one will ever take her place. And it's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you will never be able to love the person who you once loved the same way again. Sometimes, when my grief gets too unbearable, it feels as though all of the air was knocked out of my lungs. It really does feel like a punch to the gut, but it's not quick. It lingers there, deep inside of me. It's the missing piece of my heart, the piece that died the same day that Prim did. 

It's been years and her death still shocks me. It still doesn't quite feel real. It's like my mind knows that I'm never going to hug her or see her face again. But my heart doesn't want to believe it. I'm not sure it can. I don't think I'll ever truly realize that she's never coming back, despite how many times I tell it to myself. I suppose it's some sort of coping mechanism that has been stitched into my mind. 

I feel like she's slipping from me, even though I still think about her all of the time. She's always there, in the back of my mind. She's been gone for a long time. I know that. But at least I had her memory, our memories. I knew exactly what her voice sounded like and how she moved. I can feel myself slowly forgetting these things. I know I won't forget her, I never could. But I also don't remember the details that made Prim herself. There are even several childhood memories that my mother sometimes talks about, when she has the heart to, that I can't remember. It's awful. It's as if I'm losing her all over again. 

I know it's selfish of me to be thinking of Prim this way right now, when Gale's wife is going to be buried tomorrow. But the funeral is the beginning of this awful train of thought. Because it's going to take place in the meadow, the corner of it where the grass doesn't grow high and the ground is scattered with gray stones. And beneath the ground lie the decomposed corpses of people who were once alive. They were living people, with thoughts, goals, families. My sister and Peeta's family are just several of them.

For that reason, I'm not quite sure I'll be able to handle attending the funeral tomorrow, just steps away from where my sister is buried. I want to, I really do. I want to go for Gale. I know how it feels to lose the person you love most in the world, quite possibly more than anyone. Not only did I lose Prim, but I lost part of Peeta too. His torturing in the Capitol changed him. Over the years, he's slowly been able to grow back to who he once was. But he's never going to be the same Peeta that I fell in love with before his hijacking. And I love Peeta now, with all my heart. Every day, over and over again, he continues to save me. He's my whole world. But even I notice some changes in him. He tends to be a bit more irrational in situations and he angers easily. After he was rescued, he had to completely begin again. He had to make new memories and sort out the fragments of the old ones. The Capitol took him from me and for that I'll never be able to stop hating them. And to this day, they're still here with me. Because of them, Peeta is different. Because of them, I am different. And I despise them for it. 

That night, as I lie restlessly beneath mountains of sheets and quilts, I think of all of these things. I think of Prim and Peeta and Gale. I think of how different everything is now, though I'm not quite sure if it's for the better or not. There are more obvious reasons as to why things have changed for the better. Like Willow, for example. Willow, my beautiful baby girl who I love with every fiber of my being. But if the war hadn't happened, would I have had her anyway? I'm sure I would have ended up with Peeta. Ever since the Capitol took him away from me, I've known that I love him. I just wish I had realized sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't immediately fall in love with his beautiful blue eyes or the way he speaks and moves like I am now. But maybe the fact that I had to live without Peeta for so long made my love for him grow stronger. I like to think that it did. I like to think that I love him the most a person can right now. Because I really, really believe that I do. 

***

I wake to the sound of my own screaming. Once again, my horrifying nightmares have wakened me. As soon as I sit up, thrashing around beneath the blankets, Peeta is there to hold me. 

I try to shut my eyes, but it doesn't help. If anything, it makes me see the ghostlike form of Prim's face from my dream even more vividly. I was in the meadow, surrounded by strangers dressed head to toe in stiff black clothing. Women's faces were covered in veils and men wore hats so I couldn't see anyone's face, no matter how hard I tried. No one spoke. Everyone just stared ahead, to where a beautiful black wooden casket rested. I stepped towards it craning my neck to see who was inside. To my horror, it was my sister. But it didn't look like Prim. Her hair was tangled and singed off in odd places, her skin blackened by ash and slightly decomposed. She was a rotting corpse. When I turned, the people who once lingered around me had been replaced by identical black caskets. They were everywhere, placed in rows across the entire meadow. My eyes ran across the field and stopped on a bloodied young man with golden hair who wore the same rotting flesh as Prim. It was Finnick. He had a huge bleeding gash across his neck and several more on his face. 

Beside Finnick was Rue, who looked almost exactly how I left her in the area. Then a bruised Cinna, Boggs with no legs, my father covered in ash and dirt, a swollen and puffy Glimmer, and Clove with the implant of a large stone in the side of her head. I couldn't bear to look anymore. I dropped to my knees and covered my nose and mouth with the sleeve of my jacket. Not only could I see the dead bodies, but I could smell them too. I sat there like that, tears streaming down my face for what felt like hours. I couldn't breath. My hot tears blurred my vision. When I blinked them away, I saw the corpses rise and begin to climb their way out of the black boxes with whatever body parts they had left. I spun around on the grass when I felt something brush my shoulder. It was Prim. She stood nearly 6 inches from me, her dead eyes looking down at me. They began to circle me, chanting things about how it's my fault their all like this. I put them in the caskets, I made them look so dreadful. They touched my shoulder, my face, my hair. Some dug their fingernails into my back, some kicked me. 

I ended up bringing my knees to my chest and my arms around my neck, lying in bloodied dirt. I prayed for so long for it all to end, but it never did. I tried to tell them that it wasn't my fault, but the words refused to come. I ended up covering my ears to block out there words. Without realizing it, I begun to scream. I screamed not only for my life, but for their's too. 

"Katniss!" Peeta says, pressing his forehead to mine. "Katniss, you're alright. It's not real, you're safe. You're okay, I'm here."

I shut my eyes tightly and cover my ears, desperately trying to rid myself of the voices of the dead. "Listen to me, whatever happened wasn't real. Okay? You're safe. I love you. You're safe."

It takes me about half an hour to finally calm down. I press my forehead to Peeta's chest and attempt to control my breathing. I listen to his heart and focus on him. "Katniss, do you want to talk about it?" he asks. 

"It was the meadow, a funeral I think. It was everyone, Finnick, Rue, Prim, Cinna. Even my father. They looked awful. They were corpses, Peeta. They all. . .they all attacked me. They told me it was my fault," I cry. 

"It wasn't real. No matter how real it felt, it wasn't. Okay? I'll never let anyone hurt you," he says. I nod and wipe the tears from my cheeks. 

"I'm not sure if I can go to the funeral," I whisper. 

Peeta sighs and says, "Look, if you really, really don't think you can handle it. If you truly believe that it's going to make you go into that awful place in your mind again, I don't want you to go. I can go by myself. I'll explain everything to Gale. I'm sure that he would understand."

I nod and he continues, "I would never force you into anything, okay? But I would prefer it if you came with me. And again, I would never make you do something that you truly don't want to do. It's just that my family is buried in the meadow too. I have to see it too, and I'm just afraid that it might set off a flashback. And if it does, I want you to be with me. I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I just. . ."

"I'll go with you, Peeta," I say. How could he ever sound selfish, anyway? He does everything for me. He's given me everything that he has. Peeta is the most selfless person I know. 

"You will? Because I don't want you to if you don't think you can. I don't want you to get hurt. And I don't want to guilt you into this either."

I shake my head. "No, really. I'll be okay. As long as I have you, I'll always be okay." 

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Hi loves!!! Okay so sorry for not updating but I promise I have an excuse. My computer broke. Like just flat out, stopped working whatsoever. But I ended up using my dad's iMac to write this because it was driving me absolutely insane that I was keeping you waiting this long. But I guess the timing sort of worked out because this chapter has a lot of meaning to me. The first few paragraphs anyway (the ones about Prim). So on Wednesday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. She is an exchange student from a different country and she went home this week. I'm never going to see her again. And I know it isn't the same as Prim because Prim is dead and my friend just moved away. But her characteristics resemble Prim's so I thought it sort of fit and it really did help me cope and sort of say goodbye to right this. So the beginning of this chapter was sort of emotional for me and I really hope it showed in my writing :)

Other than that, I hope you liked this chapter and I'm sorry that you had to wait so long to get it. I love you all so much. Just remember you can always comment or DM me about anything. I'm totally open to talking to you, no matter what we talk about :) Love you, 

-booklover2019