Chapter 139

Katniss

Peeta takes my hand as we step out of our house, into the dewy morning air. My mother arrived to babysit Willow a few hours ago. About twenty times within the past hour, he's reminded me that I don't have to do this if I don't want to. And it isn't that I particularly do want to go, but what type of person would I be if I refused to be there for him? I know that that's not what he wants. He doesn't want to guilt me into this, but how could I resist? Peeta has been through so much, possibly more than me. And he still manages to take care of me, our daughter, and himself. He's the strongest person that I know. He does so much for me, and now it's my turn to be there for him, to protect him. Because that's what we do, protect each other. 

We stop before Haymitch's house and wait for him to walk down the stairs to greet us, Effie at his side. I've never seen her wear anything so dark and plain. She wears a flattering black skirt that hugs her waist and a lacy black blouse. Her blond hair rests in waves at her shoulders. She's beautiful. And I couldn't be happier for Haymitch. I know he thinks she's beautiful too. I know that he loves her. I'm so glad that he's been able to find love again. He's finally found a reason to stay sober, to live a real, happy life. As I look back to Peeta, I know I've found my reason too. 

Effie pulls me into a tight embrace and tucks a stray curl into my braid. "You look beautiful Katniss. And I am so sorry that you have to go through another funeral," she chokes. I can't seem to find any words to reply, so I nod and smile weakly instead. As soon as Haymitch looks at me, I think he knows that I'm not okay. He knows when I'm scared. After all, he was my mentor for both of The Hunger Games and the rebellion. And he walked me down the aisle when I married Peeta. He's seen me terrified, even if I don't say it. 

He holds me close and I shut my eyes tightly. Haymitch is the closest person that will ever come to being a father for me. And for that I'm so grateful. "Are you really okay with this?" he whispers, quiet enough so Peeta won't hear. I nod, avoiding his eyes. He knows that I'm lying, I can tell, but he doesn't speak any more of it. 

Peeta takes my hand and squeezes it reassuringly. I smile at him and pretend that I'm okay. I have to pretend. Otherwise he'll make me stay home and he'll go to the funeral alone. I can't make him do that. He has no reason to do that. Gale was my best friend and the two of them never even came close to friendship. But I know that Peeta is too kindhearted to miss this. So if I have to force myself into this, I will. For him. 

I keep it together throughout almost the entire walk to the Meadow. It's when I begin to make out the gray lined stones in the distance, I begin to panic. I am just steps away from a mass grave. There are thousands upon thousands of corpses rotting away beneath the grass and the dirt; some of those I loved. 

Peeta seems to notice my body suddenly tense as we ascend down a hill and into where the Seam used to be. I pretend I don't notice the new house that has replaced mine. I pretend that it doesn't hurt to see all that was left of my childhood, my innocence, gone. Peeta squeezes my hand reassuringly and I close my eyes. I know that this is hard for him too. But he does a better job of hiding his pain. He always has. 

I stop in my tracks before we reach the Meadow. It's as if there is a barrier between it and me. I can't seem to force myself to move forward. It's like I'm frozen in time. Frozen with such absolute fear that I can't make myself move any farther. Haymitch, Effie, and Peeta turn back to look at me. I get looks of pity from people I know and some that I don't, but I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I don't need their pity. 

Peeta nods to Haymitch and Effie, as if telling them that he'll take care of me. Just like he always has. Haymitch nods and wraps one of his arms around Effie's waist. I watch how closely he holds her, how protective he is of her. I know that they're in love. No one could doubt it. 

"Katniss?" Peeta begins, drawing my mind from my thoughts. "You can turn around right now. You could do it. You could just walk away. Either way, I will always love you the same." 

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. All of this would be so much easier if Peeta wasn't so kind-hearted, so good. Then I could leave. I could forget about all of this, pretend that it never happened. But when I look into Peeta's clear blue eyes, my body is immediately flooded with a new kind of warmth. It's how I feel on cold winter nights when he holds me so close I can feel his heart beating through his chest. Or when he wraps his arms around my middle while I rock Willow to sleep. This affectionate warmth that makes my fingers tingle and my cheeks hot, the one that makes me feel at home. Peeta makes me feel at home. He is my home. He's my safe place, my shelter, my peace. He is everything to me. And I know that with him, I can make it through the worst. I suppose I already have. 

I shake my head, as if nodding away my worries and fears. And I take his hand. 

***

Throughout the entire service, I practically have to force myself to keep my eyes focused forward. I can't let myself look away and risk the chance of seeing the place where so many of my people are buried. Occasionally though, I do glance up at Peeta, to make sure that he's okay. Like me, he keeps his eyes glued to the beautiful cherry wood casket before us. I can't even imagine how much Gale had to spend to pay for all of this. Although, there aren't too many people here. Gale and his family, including Hazelle, her other three children, and Gale's kids sit in the left half of the front row. Beside them, a group of people that I don't recognize and assume to be Gale's wife's family. Then there's Haymitch and Effie, a few of Gale's old miner friends and several more strangers. 

None of us speak. We all sit uncomfortably, choking on the bitter taste of grief. I'd know it anywhere. When Prim died, it intoxicated me. It almost killed me. And now I'm worried that it's doing the same to Gale. I know that he's strong. He's been through so much, he's lost so much. But never like this. I'm afraid that he's going to fall into that awful place where I once spent my days after the war. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I felt alone, scared, and numb. I felt that there was no reason for me to live anymore. And even though Gale has done and said things to me and the people that I love, I would never wish anything like that upon him. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

When the burial is finally over it takes me a moment to collect myself. I don't want to cry here. The only person that I let myself lose it in front of is Peeta and occasionally Haymitch. They're really the only ones in the world that could ever understand me, Peeta especially. None of these people know me. All they do is thank and pity me for what they think I've done for them. They don't realize how much I've messed things up. I almost wish they did, then maybe these constant looks of pity and sorrow would be gone. I can't speak to anyone without them changing their tone to fit what they think I should hear or saying thank you for things that I shouldn't even be thanked for. Everyone is constantly trying to be careful around me. They all watch what they say or speak in hushed voices when I'm around. They think I don't notice, but I do. And I hate it. 

I finally do stand and Peeta kisses my forehead. "We should go," he says. "I don't want to be here any longer than we have to." 

I nod, eager to get out of here and never look back. But I stop when I see Gale. He hasn't risen from his seat yet. He just stares blankly at the ground that his wife has just been buried under. I sigh and ask Peeta to wait just another moment. I squeeze his hand and cautiously make my way towards Gale. 

"Hey," I say, tugging on a loose string on my loose black dress. I hate wearing dresses. I always have. But Peeta insisted that I wear this one. I know that he loves it when I wear them, even though he tells me that he doesn't mind what I'm wearing. Which I suppose is true, but ever since our wedding day, I can tell that his eyes light up a little bit when he sees me wearing anything remotely like my wedding dress. The skirt on this one goes down to the top of my knees and it's sleeves end at my forearms. There isn't much to it, besides the fact that it's cinched at the waist and there's black lace detailing at the neckline. 

Gale looks up and gives me a slight nod. I sigh and sit beside him. "Gale, I'm so sorry," I begin, fighting back tears. I know how it feels to lose the person that was your reason to get up in the morning. I know it too well, actually. "I want you to know that you're always welcome at my house. Really, if there's ever a day that you just need to be by yourself, you can always bring your kids to Peeta and I. I know that he would love them." 

Gale nods and brushes away the tears in his eyes. "Thank you, Catnip," he whispers. I smile weakly and pull him into a tight embrace. A part of me hopes Peeta isn't watching, but I know it doesn't matter if he is. Peeta trusts me and he trusts Gale. Besides, he was never really one to get jealous. 

I take Gale's hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, as if telling him that everything would be okay. I'm not sure what to say anymore, so I loosen my grip and let him go. He still doesn't move, but his eyes seem a bit brighter than they did before I spoke to him. I have to believe that it's enough to keep him going. Because he has to be there, for his children. I wouldn't wish what my mother did to my sister and I upon any child, especially Gale's. 

I see them, Aster and James, standing together a few aisles of chairs away. James has his arms wrapped tightly around his little sister's shoulders. Hazelle is a few feet away, holding baby Milo. He's only a few months older than Willow, but already he looks so much like Gale. He has tufts of dark hair and stormy gray eyes. He's practically the opposite of James, who has light blond hair and green eyes like his mother. And then there's Aster, who must be about 5, with long brown ringlets and emerald eyes. When she locks eyes with me, her tear stained face seems to lighten up. She untangles herself from her brother's grasp and practically flies into my arms. I kneel down and hold her tightly to my chest, running my fingers through her curls. She softly cries, her chin on my shoulder. I pick her up and she wraps her legs around my waist. 

"Hey, Aster," I whisper, brushing away a stray piece of hair from her forehead. "It's going to be okay. I promise." She nods and lifts her head to look at me. I turn to see that James is standing before us, awkwardly fidgeting with his sleeve. I sigh and pull him into a hug with my free arm. He's braver than his sister at ten years old, but I know he's desperately fighting back tears. 

"I want you to know that whenever you want to, you're welcome at my house, okay? No matter what. I don't care if you just want to come over for something to eat, you're always going to be welcome. I need you both to remind your dad of that," I say. Aster nods, her skinny arms wrapped loosely around my neck. "And you can meet my daughter, Willow." Aster practically smiles from ear to ear at the mention of Willow's name. She must long to be in the presence of another girl after living with two brothers and her father. 

I shift so the both of them can see Peeta, who sits smiling on a nearby chair. "See him? That's Peeta, my husband. He can't wait to meet the both of you." Aster squeals and wriggles her way free of me. She runs as fast as her little legs can carry her over to Peeta and launches herself into his warm embrace. He laughs and pulls her onto his lap.

"Well hello there. You must be Aster." She giggles and bounces up and down. I'm so glad that she's able to laugh after all she's been through. She's much stronger than I've ever been. 

James seems to shy away behind me. I assume he tends to trust women over men. Otherwise, I really have no other explanation as to why he would like me better than Peeta. Everyone knows that he's the more likable one. I think that James will grow to like him, though. Everyone always does. Everyone loves Peeta, though know one could ever possibly love him as much as I do. He's my whole world. 

After I'm finally able to pry Aster away from Peeta I pull her into one last hug. "I'll see you soon," I whisper. 

"Promise?" she sniffles, grabbing onto her brother's hand. 

"I promise." She nods and I smile at the both of them. To James I say softly, "Everything is going to be okay. And you'll always have me and Peeta. And your father. He may seem distant now, but he really does love you. The both of you. And Milo too. Just give him time." He nods and flashes a weak smile before turning away, his sister's hand intertwined with his. 

I sigh and rest my head on Peeta's shoulder. "Ready to go home?" he asks. I shut my eyes before lifting my head. He kisses my forehead and we walk hand in hand back to our home in the Victor's Village. 

____________________________

OKAY FIRST OFF I'D LIKE TO PERSONALLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT'S BEEN SINCE I'VE UPDATED & FOR THE FACT THAT THIS CHAPTER WAS DEFINITELY NOT MY BEST. Okay so basically what happened was that my computer completely broke like the first week of summer which was in veryyyy early June. I had planned to write a ton this summer but I literally had no way to unless I typed it on the Wattpad app which really was not an option. And basically my computer was broken beyond repair and so I ended up ordering a new one last weekend. And it ended up coming on Wednesday but I haven't had the motivation to write at all these past few days, plus I just finished with a theatre program that I was involved in these past few weeks. BUT I FINALLY UPDATED. And wOW it's been so long since I've written anything that I was reaaaal rusty. So sorry for that but hopefully I can get back into it soon and update more frequently for the rest of my summer break. I'VE MISSED Y'ALL SO MUCH. 

So again, I apologize for my stupid computer and its stupid problems but it's all good now so hopefully I'm going to be writing a lot more often. 

Love you guys so much <3

-booklover2019