10th March 1950

Chapter 10

It was that night that Jade left me, waited for me to fall asleep and when I woke up the next day I found no one, all of Jade, Norma and Jasmine's things disappeared with them, as if they had never been there in the first place.

I still remember the despair in my heart and in my voice as I screamed her name and waited for her to tell me it was just a joke and she would not leave, but she never answered.

Just as she didn't reply that night to my statement, she didn't say anything, she held me and kissed me, I didn't realise at that moment that that kiss, for her, meant goodbye.

I waited for hours for their return without any success, then I decided to go to her house thinking that we could talk and maybe solve it, when I arrived the door was ajar and I prayed that she had left it open for me, when I entered my heart collapsed.

The dark, familiar room was empty, as was my home without her and her family, exactly how my heart felt when I realised Jade had decided to leave forever and never look back.

I spent all day looking for her, asking people but no one answered, either they didn't know her or they pretended not to.

I thought of every conversation I had with her that might give me a clue as to where she might be, out of hopelessness I returned home and took the car and drove to our place, it was impossible that she was there, but in desperation I tried everything.

I prayed and hoped that by a miracle she would be there waiting for me, but she wasn't.

I cried and screamed for hours, curled up in a ball, asking God or whoever was there to bring her back to me, but I got nothing.

I went home late at night and holed up in my bed, thinking about what we had been through there, thinking about what we had shared and wondering if she was safe, if she had eaten or if she was cold. I wondered where she was hiding and if anyone had tried to harm her or Jasmine.

I waited for hours to hear the sweet little girl's laughter or her plea for me to read her another chapter of her favourite book, I hoped to hear her footsteps through the house and her mother's laughing chases and then her adorable giggles as she tickled her, but all that remained was silence.

I fell asleep clutching her pillow to my chest still imagining how her hair felt between my fingers and prayed it was just a nightmare, but deep down I knew it was nothing but reality.

The next morning I was woken up by Jesy, I opened my eyes to find my friend sitting on the edge of my bed stroking my hair.

"Jesy?"

"We were supposed to have breakfast together, remember? When you didn't show up I got worried" she said cautiously, "Pez.... what happened? It seems like you haven't stopped crying in weeks"

"She left" I said bursting into tears.

"What? Why?"

"She said we couldn't have a future" I said simply, "I admitted my feelings and she left" I sobbed tirelessly and felt Jesy's arms wrap around me and cradle me.

"I... I'm so sorry, darling" she said sadly, while keeping holding me.

Weeks went by, I tried to go back to living my life normally, but everything seemed to have lost its colour and magic, I went to feminist meetings more and more frequently, I studied every art book I could find, I spent a lot of time with my mother learning new recipes and I spent a lot of time in Jes and Leigh's company but I didn't really feel the joy in doing any of those things.

Without Jade my existence was just grey and empty.

I realised, the day after her departure, that Gulliver's Travel was gone, I smiled thinking back to Jade reading it to her daughter and wondered if she had carried on reading it to her at night to put her to sleep, I wondered what Jasmine had said when her mother persuaded her to leave or what the little one thought of it.

Most of all, I wondered all the time if they were safe.

22 December arrived and Chris came back, as before, our interactions were kept to a minimum, although he was home most of the day I ignored him as much as possible, at night I accepted what he thought was my duty, I felt nothing and didn't care, the only purpose was to bring a child into the world and be a respectable family.

He didn't give a shit about the rest.

Instead, I thought back to everything Jade had made me feel, the way she had taken care of me and everything she had taught me about myself. I would have preferred never to have met her, I would have preferred never to have known the feelings she could give me and I would have preferred never to have fallen in love with her, leaving her the power to break my heart.

But every time I thought of her I smiled, the only reason I could still smile was because of her.

It was Christmas evening, Chris, his family and I found ourselves at the Edwards residence, it was the first time I had seen my father since my wedding day, three months before. He congratulated Chris on his excellent service in Ireland and I spent the rest of the dinner pretending to listen to the conversation without really doing it.

When the men went out to smoke cigars, my mother and I went to the kitchen to wash the dishes, knowing that Chris's mother wouldn't help us anyway.

"Perrie" my mother called me, "I can't pretend any longer" she said in a low voice. I frowned in confusion and asked her to explain, "Every time I see you you are thinner and your eyes are dull"

"It's nothing" I replied without emotion.

"Perrie, dear child, don't lie to me" she said softly.

I laughed bitterly, knowing that if I told my mother that I was in love with someone other than my husband she would disinherit me, I didn't even think about the option of including that the person in question was a woman or my mother would never show her face again.

"Perrie, whatever it is I'll be here" she told me and I saw the honesty in her eyes.

"I don't love Chris" I said in a deadpan voice.

"Yes, that's obvious. It always has been" my mother laughed and I smiled too, "Do you love someone else?" she then asked and I looked into her eyes expecting anger and judgement but found only love and understanding. I nodded, "It's fine, Perrie. I mean, we don't choose who we fall in love with and it's not like you ever wanted to marry him. I won't judge you, my child"

I thanked my mum but I knew her words were limited to the fact that she thought I was talking about another man.

"Did you cheat on him?" she asked and I hesitated but finally nodded.

She looked disappointed and I regretted telling her the truth, "Perrie" she squeezed my hand, "What you did wasn't right, but neither was forcing you to marry a man you didn't love" she said softly, "You could ask for a divorce" she told me in a low voice.

I laughed audibly at the absurdity of that sentence, "You know the general won't accept it" I said with bitterness in my voice.

My mother sighed and hugged me but said nothing more.

I went home and pretended to be unwell, Chris said nothing and went to sleep in the other room, I cried until I fell asleep and dreamt of Jade all night.

Days passed, I saw Jesy and Leigh who looked more and more worried, I went with them shopping or to the park until they sent us away and I looked for Jade in every street, alley or corner.

Every time I saw a person with hair like hers I ran after her hoping it was her and each time I was more disappointed.

New Year had passed and we entered 1950. The collective mood changed and it seemed as if the war was a distant memory. However, this didn't stop the racist riots or the economic crisis, although on the financial side there seemed to be an upturn.

At the beginning of February I found out I was pregnant, I didn't tell anyone, especially Chris, the only one who knew was Jesy because I showed up late at night at her house looking for comfort.

It wasn't that I didn't want a child, but I didn't want it with Chris and I didn't want a child to have to live as I did in lies and appearances, I also knew that that was the last thing that would allow me to escape Chris and the shoddy marriage.

The more days went by, the more my resentment towards him increased, I told him about the pregnancy and he seemed happy, but he left again shortly afterwards, at the end of February and I didn't even care about the information about where he would be or when he would return.

10th March 1950

One evening in March we all found together at the Pinnock house, unfortunately my father was also invited but I ignored him all through the evening, Chris returned for the occasion and like the night it all began, he drank too much and tried to have a connection with me, unlike that time however I was able to push him away.

"I need to talk to you" I said joining my father on the other side of the house after avoiding Chris's attempt.

He looked at me surprised at my determination and walked me to the Pinnock home library, "Learn to behave, daughter, I didn't raise you to be so impolite"

I laughed bitterly at his words, "I want divorce" I declared decisively.

My father laughed sonorously, "You're pregnant" he only said.

"I don't care. I don't love Chris and I never have. I don't want this child to grow up in lies like I did!"

"Watch your mouth, little girl! I won't let you behave like this" he said and I saw the vein on his forehead becoming more and more obvious.

"You can't stop me. I will file for divorce and I don't need your permission!" I shouted finally.

He changed his gaze and approached threateningly, I stepped back and ran to leave the room but he was quicker and grabbed me by the hair, he started beating me and I could taste the blood in my mouth, I tried to shield my belly as kicks and punches came relentlessly.

"Oh my God! Alexander, stop for Christ's sake!" I heard my mother scream. The hits did not stop and I started coughing for air, "Alexander! She is pregnant! You're going to kill them both!" my mother shouted and he finally stopped.

I looked up and saw my mother with tears in her eyes barely holding the man back, I stood up with trembling legs and tried to find my breath, " Go away, Perrie! Run!" my mother screamed, I felt the concern for her invade me to the bone but she screamed again and I did as ordered.

I tried not to be seen by going out through one of the side doors of the mansion and ran until my legs burned, I looked for a safe place for the cold night and saw a shop with the lights on, I went in without looking at the sign and reached the counter in a desperate attempt to call for help, a woman rushed up to me and supported me as I felt my strength fade.

"Oh my God. What happened to you, dear?" the lady asked, I could not answer and saw black dots in front of me, "I need help!" I heard her shout.

I heard the hurried footsteps of other people and a familiar voice before everything went black.

"Oh my God, Perrie!"

I woke up with sunlight streaming through the windows and hitting my face. I looked around and didn't recognise the place, all I saw was an infinity of white tiles and some lockers.

I tried to remember where I was or how I got there but all I remembered was my mother screaming to escape, I squinted several times to focus on my surroundings and felt a stabbing pain in my head.

Moments later I felt someone stroking my back and I gasped, I turned worriedly to the other side and felt the blood drain from my face at the sight in front of me.

"Perrie, dear, how are you?" I searched for the words to answer but all I could feel was confusion.

"Where am I?" I asked in a rough voice. "What am I doing here?"

"You arrived last night, you were shocked and covered in blood, then you fainted" I closed my eyes and remembered my father, the general, screaming and hitting me.

"Perrie, who did this?"

I faltered and tried to get up but felt my head throb and lay back down, "Do you really want to talk about this?" I asked bitterly.

"Perrie..."

"Don't Perrie me, Norma! Where's Jade?" I asked irritably.

The woman lowered her gaze and I saw a flash of sadness in her eyes, immediately I felt fear strike me, "Is she alright? Did something happen to her?" I asked frantically.

"She's fine, dear. She's on her way" she told me, smiling.

I felt my heart stop thinking I could finally see Jade again, then I looked at her mother, "I've been looking everywhere for you. You disappeared without a word. I spent months wondering if you were okay or something had happened!" I felt tears sting my eyes.

"I know, Perrie. I'm sorry, I really am"

"Is that all you have to say? You're sorry?" by then the anger was evident in my voice, "What's happened since that day?" I asked trying to calm myself down.

"Jade came to work here, at the laundry, and we do cleaning at a lady's house that we're staying at" she told me.

I nodded, reflecting on her words and thanking God that things had gone well.

"Does she know I'm here?" I asked her.

"No, she will be starting her shift soon"

"I see, and Jasmine?"

"Jade and I take opposite shifts so one of us can stay with her, and if we can't the lady takes care of her, she is kind to her and Jasmine knows how to make herself loved" Norma smiled.

I smiled too, remembering the sweet little girl, but I couldn't help feeling angry at her mother and grandmother for having disappeared for four months without saying anything.

I thought it was best to leave before Jade arrived, it was obvious she wanted nothing to do with me and I figured it would be better for both of us if that meeting didn't happen.

I tried to get up again, but the pains in my head were too strong and I felt a sudden nausea hit me.

"I'm going to be sick" I said to Norma holding my stomach, she quickly grabbed a little trash can and pulled it closer to me.

"Here" I emptied my stomach as the woman stroked soothing circles on my back and held my hair behind my shoulders.

When I finished she handed me a glass of water to clean my mouth, a damp towel and some mints, for which I thanked her.

"You said I was covered in blood" I said in a low voice. She looked at me and nodded, I avoided her gaze and then asked what I needed to know, "Between my legs too?" Norma's eyes widened and her expression filled with fear and sadness, I hurried to clarify not wanting her to think wrongly, "I'm pregnant" I told her.

I saw her sigh and relax at the statement, "No, there was no blood, but you should still go to the hospital and have the baby checked" she said in a motherly tone. I nodded and thought about my mother, I had to know how she was doing.

I feared what my father might have done to her.

"Help me up" I asked her, "I have to leave"

"Perrie, wait"

"No! Jade doesn't know I'm here and it's for the best, she doesn't want to see me and I will respect her choice" I declared with conviction despite my heart breaking with every word.

"Perrie, it's not what you think" the woman said, "Jade had her reasons, you may not understand them, but she never wanted to leave" she told me with emotion.

"But she did" I said angrily, thinking back to the morning I woke up and found not a sign of her.

"Perrie, let her explain"

"Explain to me what? That there is no hope? That we can never have a future?" I shouted, "She already explained it" I screamed as felt the tears welling up again in my eyes.

"She is doing this for you" her mother said, "She just wants you to be able to have the best life"

"Well, I'll let you in on a secret, Norma... my life sucks since she stopped being a part of it" I said through clenched teeth. "Now, please help me up. I have to leave before she gets here"

Norma looked at me with sadness and compassion and finally gave up and nodded, it was at that moment that I heard the sound of a doorbell on the other side of the shop indicating that someone had just entered.

"Hello, Jade!" I heard a woman greet.

My breath caught in my throat and I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Is there another exit?" I asked Norma with panic in my voice, she hesitated but then nodded.

"Yes, that way" she pointed to a door, "It leads out onto the courtyard and if you turn to the right you'll find a door to the street" she said and I thanked her.

"Hello, Charlotte!" I heard the melodic sound of Jade's voice and my heart filled. I froze and held back my tears for a second, then tried to stand up as Norma supported me.

"OK, I'll try to take time" she said looking at me remorsefully.

I thanked her and said goodbye before I saw her leave in the direction of the other room where apparently the woman I was in love with was.

"Hi, Mum! Why are you still here?"

"It must be because of that girl who arrived last night, how is she, Norma?" someone asked.

I got out of bed and the headache worsened but with unsteady steps I tried to reach the door Norma had indicated.

"Which girl?" I heard Jade demand.

"Oh, nothing dear, I'll explain later" her mother replied.

"It wasn't exactly nothing, the poor girl was covered in blood and passed out" the unknown voice said.

"Oh my God! How is she?" I heard the panic in Jade's voice and tried to hurry up but it was harder than I thought.

"I'll explain later, dear, now why don't you let me make you some tea? Wait for me here" Norma suggested.

"I'm already late, I'd better go and change" she replied.

I reached the door and breathed a sigh of relief, my head throbbed and I felt the nausea hit me again but I tried to resist, I turned the handle and to my disappointment... it was locked.

"Shit" I whispered.

"Jade! Wait!" I heard Norma raising her voice.

"Mum, we'll have tea later, I need to dress" she replied firmly.

I tried again to unlock the damn door and then I saw on a nearby cabinet a key, I moved quickly to reach it and grabbed it, anxiety and confusion invaded me and it took me three tries to insert the cursed key.

"Jade! Wait!" Norma called out again.

I finally managed to open the door when I heard the one behind me slam and a loud gasp.

"Perrie?!" 

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A/N - Hello everyone! Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C