72-Lay Me Down

I sit in the home in Brooklyn and mourn. People visit, oh do people visit. I don't have much say in it. Sam says they just want to help and make sure I'm okay. I know I'm supposed to play the role of the dutiful, good, mourning wife so that's what I do. Tony and Nat would be yelling at me, telling me that I'm more than that. But they aren't here. They can't help me now.

The Pyms and Scott come to visit as a group. Janet brings daisies and Scott plays with Ben in attempts to cheer my son up. Hank tries to talk about my father to bring some sort of happiness that way. Hope just holds my hand and doesn't push me with anything. They don't notice the weight that I've put on, or if they do, they don't comment on it. There's a bump, maybe it's because I'm eating more as a coping mechanism and it's not like I'm hiding it. My hand keeps moving to rest on my stomach. It's obvious, but they just don't bring it up.

The Guardians and Thor visit, which is weird but I can't be mad I suppose. I'm surprised they are even here. Rocket translates for Groot when Groot tells me about the first time he met Steve and how much of an idiot Groot thought he was. Drax tells me that my husband was a very nice man. Peter tells me that everything is going to be okay. Thor hugs me until I start crying again. Nebula awkwardly pats my hand. Mantis, noticing the dark circles under my eyes, puts me to sleep with her weird powers. I think Rocket attempts to steal Bucky's arm to attempt to lighten the mood.

Peter and his Aunt May visit. She brings some casseroles and Peter gives me a box of letters from his school, all from students that were either impacted by Steve or that were just sending their condolences. Bucky and I stay up for hours reading them and I write back to every student on heavy card stock, telling them how much I appreciate the fact that they wrote to me. Peter cries when I hug him because I was crying. Peter shows Benjamin how to use the webslingers (with my permission of course). I apologize that I wasn't able to take Peter to his field trip, but the kid tells me that it's completely okay. It makes me start crying again.

Doctor Strange and Wong visit too, which is also weird. They too bring food, which certainly does help because Bucky and I can't find it in ourselves to cook. They don't stay long, but they do show Benjamin what the surface of the moon looks like, which makes my son somewhat happy.

Bruce comes visits me while Benjamin is at school. We sit in my office and talk about how our original team is dwindling. It's just him, Clint, Thor, and I now. I'm able to talk about how shitty I feel about how I treated Steve after the whole time travel shit. Bruce talks me about how Steve wouldn't be mad at me because that's not the type of person Steve was. We cry about Steve, Nat, and my brother.

Wanda comes to visit. She tells me how thankful she was that Steve gave her a second chance after the whole Ultron thing. Wanda tells me how she thought of him almost as a brotherly figure after her own brother was killed during Sokovia. I let her tap into my brain to let her feel what I'm feeling but she knows it all too well. She finds out I'm pregnant this way. Wanda just looks at me absolutely shocked, tears in her eyes. I just look away, letting her sort through my feelings.

The King of Wakanda, the Princess of Wakanda, and Okoye visit as well. Bucky thanks them like he always does, for everything Wakanda has down for him. Shuri and Okoye talk about how gentle and sweet Steve was when we went to Wakanda for checkups when I was pregnant with Benjamin. I thank T'Challa for the wedding rings he gave Steve and I. I cry again, thinking of better times, thinking about how much my husband would've loved them know that I was pregnant. My rings feel so heavy.

Fury and Hill come together. They let me cry and be emotional. We talk about Natasha, Tony, Peggy, and Steve. We talk about everyone I've lost. They offer to watch Benjamin so that Sam, Bucky, and I can take care of the funeral preparations and I take them up that offer. I pay for the coffin and his plot. He gets the best that money can offer.

Pepper, Happy, Morgan, and Rhodey all arrive in a large group. Morgan immediately takes Benjamin to go play off somewhere else while Pepper makes coffee for Bucky and I. Happy brings food, which we pig out on. Pepper and I have a long talk about what I need to do now, as a widow and as single mother. She tells me that she'll be here for me when I need her. Rhodey tells me that he'll be here too whenever I need him and he tells me that the government wants honor my husband. Bucky and I both agree that Steve deserve the whole shebang. He's still getting buried next to his mother, next to Sarah Rogers, because that's what he said in his will. He'll be dressed in his formal army uniform. Morgan tells Ben that it's going to be okay. I tell them that I'm four months pregnant. They all stay quiet and then Pepper comes up to me, hugging me tightly. I can't help but cry.

Sam found out I was pregnant when I came back from the hospital when Steve died. He saw the sonogram I had taken out of my pocket as soon as Pepper left. He just looked at the grainy black and white picket and then at me. Sam didn't say a word as he wrapped his arms around me. We didn't really talk about it after that. We didn't need to and I sure as hell didn't want to.

Bucky and I really lean on each other. Whenever I suddenly have a breakdown, he's right there for me, holding me close and trying to calm me down. He holds my hair back when I get hit with a round of morning sickness. Whenever he wakes up with a nightmare, FRIDAY immediately alerts me and I go over and sit with him. Benjamin's door locks and doesn't unlock until I give FRIDAY the all clear once Bucky is feeling okay again. My nightmares return as well. I see that room filled with blood, my brother's charred face, and Steve's body almost every night and Bucky always comes to make sure I'm okay. We both make sure the other is doing what they need to do.

A few days later, I'm looking at myself in the mirror as I carefully apply a dark red lipstick. I slip on my mother's pearls, slipping Steve's mother's wedding ring and my vibranium wedding band on my finger. My concealer is working hard to cover up the dark circles under my eyes, really hard. I carefully put the black lace veil on, covering my face. I smooth out my black dress, stepping into my black Louboutins. The dress is pretty tight, so my small bump is on full display, but I hide it with a large coat. I can't decided whether I want to announce to the world that I'm pregnant. My little baby boy, the last thing I'll have from Steve. I feel so utterly numb as I make sure Ben's suit looks fine, trying to busy myself with something-anything on this day. I pull Ben close for a moment, kissing his forehead. My eyes shut and I just try to savor this small moment. Bucky comes in a few minutes later, also dressed in a suit. His metal hand is hidden by a leather glove.

"You guys ready? Happy is outside." He asks and we both just silently nod. I shakily stand, holding onto my son's hand. We make our way out of the house, cameras flashing as we slip into the car waiting outside. Happy is driving us to the mass and funeral. New York City is shutting down, all for my husband. Benjamin sits between Bucky and I, his green eyes looking out of the window to see all the people lined up to watch the procession as we follow behind the hearse.

At the wake yesterday, I had opened Steve's casket to look at him one more time. I had tucked his dog tags that he have given me in his pocket, softly singing "You Are My Sunshine" to him before I shut the lid. I kissed the top of his casket before Bucky pulled me away to take me home.

Eventually, we pull up in front of the church that Steve and I got married in. There was so many people here. People that we fought with, people high up in the government, just so many people. I let out a shaky breath, shutting my eyes. I can't do this, Steve. I can't.

"You okay, Pey? You need a bucket? I have one." Happy asks me, his voice full of worry. I open my eyes and swallow hard. For once, I actually didn't need to vomit. I manage to shed my coat without hitting Bucky or Benjamin. What's the point of hiding of it, hiding something they will eventually find out about.

"Peachy. And I'm not going to blow chunks." I respond and my friend nods before getting out. I can feel Bucky's eyes on me as Happy opens my car door. I try to keep my emotions at bay as I get out of the car, cameras flashing, catching the first glimpse at my bump. I pick up Benjamin once he gets out of the car, holding him close, shielding him from the flashing lights. Bucky moves to walk beside me and inside of the church. I dip my fingers into the holy water by the door and do the sign of the cross, making sure Bucky and Ben do the same. I set Ben down, letting him sit with Morgan in the entrance area as I watch people file in. Tony and I stood right there before the aisle. His arm wrapped around mine. God, I feel sick.

"Hey princess." Sam says as he walks in, hugging me. I smile slightly and hug him back. I don't want to be here. I really don't want to be here.

"Thank you for helping with everything." I tell him softly and he nods, hand resting on my back.

"Anything for Steve, right?" He asks with a sad smile. We wait for everyone to take their seats before the rest of pallbearers go outside to help bring in the casket. Rhodey, Sam, Bucky, Thor, Peter, and Scott carry my husband inside. There's an American flag draped over him. I watch as the funeral directors carefully fold it up so that a white sheet with a golden cross can be draped over the mahogany casket. The priest blesses it before they carry the casket down the aisle. Everyone stands as a piano plays, watching them bring Steve into church one last time. Tears roll down my cheeks and Benjamin takes my hand as I follow my husband, the father of my sons. Eyes forward, shoulders pushed back. Be strong.

Ben and I sit in the front row. Once more, my son is squished between Bucky and I. I move the veil, letting my face be seen. It's like some sort of twisted wedding. We all go through the motions of the mass as the priest directs it. Eventually, the priest looks at me and I nod before standing. I'm doing Steve's eulogy. I walk up to the little podium, head held high as I make the sign of the cross before walking to the podium. I look out to the packed church, to my family and my friends and everyone else who showed up.

"There will never be another Steve Rogers. He was a one of a kinda man. He will be missed be everyone who knew him. Steve lived a long life, fighting in the 107th Infantry, fighting alongside the Howling Commandos, leading and fighting with the Avengers. He did more in his life than any of us could do in ours, but that is just who he was. He never knew when to give up and we should all by lucky that he never did. Steve fought until the very end. Captain Steven Grant Rogers was a truly unique man. He only ever wanted to help people and I think accomplished that. Like almost everyone else here, I learned about Captain Rogers through stories from my aunt Peggy. I looked up to Captain America. I certainly didn't expect to meet him, but I'm glad I did." I say, trying to keep my voice steady, "Steve Rogers was more than just Captain America. He was an amazing friend, a great leader. He told horrible jokes and was awkward at times. He was a teacher, a huge influence on many people including myself. He was a horrible cook, but an amazing artist. Steve was an amazing husband, a wonderful father. Of course he was a hero that couldn't give up, but he was human like the rest of us. Steve cried, he laughed, he loved, and he mourned." Tears rolled freely down my cheeks.

"We all owe an incredible debt to Steven Grant Rogers. He gave more than he got in this world and most of us wouldn't be here without the sacrifices he made. I sure wouldn't be. Steven Grant Rogers lived a long long life. A great life. He saved the world as Captain America and he-he-he changed my life. Most people see me and they see what they should see. I'm a huge narcissist, I'm aggravating, and violent. I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I'm a complete mess and Steve-Steve loved every little bit of me. He gave me a what I always wanted and I love him so much for that-for everything he's done for me. I love him for being an amazing father. He's up there surrounded by people who have been waiting for him for a long long time for him. I can't wait to see him again, it's only a matter of time." I look at the casket that's holding my husband, smiling sadly.

After the mass, we follow the horse drawn caisson that carries Steve's body to the cemetery. The pallbearers carry Steve to his final resting place before they join the rest of the mourners. Bucky and Sam stand next to Benjamin and me. The priest blesses Steve some more and prays more over his body. Sarah Rogers's grave is already waiting, waiting for her son.

I hold Benjamin's hand as they do the twenty-one gun salute and then they play Taps. I let myself cry as I hold my son close. Bucky soothingly rubs my back, but he and Sam are both crying. Before we can lay roses on Steve's casket, the honor guard fold my husband's flag. They hand it to me and I hold it in my shaking hands. I'm still holding it when I take Benjamin to lay three roses on Steve's casket.

Ten minutes later, I'm watching the grave diggers shovel dirt over my husband when someone walks up beside me. I knew by the cologne who it was. I knew he was at the funeral because everyone was at the funeral. I didn't mind it. I didn't care anymore. I felt nothing but sadness.

"He really loved you." Clint says, breaking the silence of the cemetery. I nod, eyes still focused on Steve's grave. Bucky had offered to stay with me but I told him I wanted to be alone so he continued on with the celebration of life party thing. He took Steve's flag with him, carefully holding it as he followed Sam to the car.

"And I really loved him." I respond simply. I really wanted to be alone so I could collect my thoughts before being around people again, but I don't think that was going to happen. I had so much to think about, so so much. I didn't know if I should feel so sorry over my lost love. He left me, left his friends and family. He didn't want me, yet still told me that he always loved me and always will. It left my brain and heart a mess. I don't know if I should be angry or should just let what happened fade away. I just didn't know what to do. There isn't anything written on what to do when your spouse abandons you and your child and time travels back in time to marry your aunt figure, but then he dies and you feel like shit for treating him like shit.

"I never got to thank you-for snapping your fingers." Clint tells me, yanking me out of my thoughts. His eyes linger on me, trying to read what I'm going through. That moment comes back to me, when I put the gauntlet on, ready to die in that moment to bring back the other half of the universe. If I did die in that moment, I'd be with Tony now, with mom and dad. I'd be surrounded my three lost children and eventually, Steve would join me. But Benjamin would be alone, he would've been an orphan and he deserves so much more than that.

"There's too much death in this world. We needed to fix that." I tell him, a breeze blowing through the cemetery as I turn my head to look at him, "And I was the only one who can handle it."

"I-I wish you guys had more time, I really do. After what you've been through, what I've put you through, you deserve happiness." He suddenly says and I study his face, trying to wonder why he is saying this but he just looks sincere. He actually means it.

But I don't respond. I don't need to respond.

My mother told me if I had nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. So I just walk away from him and walk towards the car that's waiting for me.