73-Stayin Alive

It was the first actual doctor's appointment for the baby growing inside of me and I was a wreck. My leg was bouncing up and down and my eyes kept going from the shitty daytime talk show playing on the TV to the hallway that leads to the various checkup rooms. There was pregnant women all around me, their spouses holding their hands. Big stupid smiles all across their faces as they held their husband's/wife's/girlfriend's/boyfriend's hands. Their hands rested on their stomachs and the couples whispered happily to each other.

I fucking hated it.

I was the only one alone. No one held my hand. No one whispered to me. No one went to get up to get me a paper cup filled with water. No one kissed my cheek. No one smiled at me. No one cared. So I sat by myself, reading some stupid magazine that I was on the cover of. I was trying to distract myself, distract myself from all the disgusting affection around me. This magazine claimed that some unknown source had seen me getting cozy with Sam Wilson. Jokes on them because I really haven't left my house since the funeral and I'm not getting cozy with Sam. Unless you call being squished in between Sam and Bucky while forcing them to watch Game of Thrones cozy. Okay it is slightly cozy but it's not the coziness the magazine is hinting on. I don't think I'm ever going to get cozy like that with someone again.

A month. It's been a month since we buried Steve. Three months since Natasha and Tony died. Three months since my family was last whole. It has been a hard month. Full of sleepless nights, nightmares, and appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist. I've been trying. I really have. Bucky and Sam have been trying their best to keep me happy and I'm extremely grateful for them, but that doesn't stop me from missing the three people I lose. Everyone else got who they loved back and in return, I lost the three people I love most in this world.

"Mrs Stark-Rogers?" Once of the nurses call out, pulling me out of my thoughts. She was standing in front of the hallway while holding a clipboard. Everyone's head whips towards me, realizing who the hell I was. I toss the magazine onto the table and stand up. I follow the nurse down the hallway as I try to ignore the whispers that start up once they think I can't hear them anymore. She weighs me and takes my blood pressure before leading me to a room. I pee in a cup and then they drain me from a few vials of blood. I know the routine, practically an expert in it. I'm already laying on the little bed when the doctor, Dr Garcia, walks in. She was my doctor for the later half of pregnancy with Benny and for the pregnancy that happened after. The brunette was awfully sweet, almost enough to give you a cavity.

"Morning, Peyton. How are you feeling?" She asks with a smile as the ultrasound technician comes in to set up the machine.

"I'm feeling okay. Dr Andrews sent over my information right?" I ask almost nervously, wringing my hands. Dr Garcia smiles at me and nods. Why are you so nervous? Everything is fine. He's moving constantly and you would know if he wasn't fine. He's fine.

"Yes, he did. Your anti-depressants pills are fine to take during your pregnancy, we are just going to lower your dosage, but they should be just as effective. Now, shall we take a look at the little guy?" She asks cheerfully and I nod, carefully lifting up my shirt so the technician can spread the cold jelly all over my stomach. The lights get shut off and the technician starts moving the wand thingy over my stomach.

If Steve was here, he'd be holding my hand. His leg would be bouncing up and down. He was always anxious when he came to the doctor's with me, more nervous than I usually was. But he isn't here. There isn't anyone sitting in the seat beside the bed. It's just me. Those thoughts disappear when I hear my son's heart beat. I look at the screen, at my son. My eyes soften and it's like all my troubles float away.

"There's your baby boy. Look there's his hand-he's waving at us." Dr Garcia jokes and I laugh softly. There's a lump in my throat-which is aggravating. I've been crying way too much and I really don't want to start crying now. You should be here, Steven. You should be holding my hand.

"He's big." I say softly and of course a tear slips out of my eye because these days I can't even breathe without fucking crying. Apparently grief and pregnancy hormones just really fuck up your emotions. What does Peter say? Oh! It be like that sometimes.

"He's growing at the same accelerated rate your first son grew at. Has he been moving around a lot?" The doctor asks as the technician takes pictures of the baby. I nod, reigning my emotions in as I clear my throat.

"It's like he's training for the Olympics in there. He's constantly moving. He's healthy right? He's good?" I respond and the doctor writes something down. She looks at me and nods,putting her hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me. Is that something they learn in med school? It has to be.

"He is perfectly fine, Peyton. You're doing fine. Linda at the front desk will schedule another appointment for a few weeks from now. Just keep up the good work." Dr Garcia says and I nod, the technician handing me the sonograms and a wipe to clean off my stomach. I smile my thanks and carefully get up, pulling my shirt over my stomach. I thank them before leaving the room and then leaving the clinic. Steve would've followed me out, hand on the small of my back. He would be peppering my face with kisses, telling me how much he loved me and how excited he was.

But he isn't here.

So I walk to my car alone. I get in and drive back to that stupid house in Brooklyn. The Bee Gees play through the speakers, which somewhat lightens up my day. Before I know it, I'm pulling into the driveway. I try my best to reign my emotions in before I get out of the car. It was summer so that meant Benjamin was off from kindergarten and he was bouncing around the house. I didn't exactly want him to see his mother looking so depressed so I did what I always do. I put a happy little smile on my face. As soon as I walk inside, I'm greeted by the noise of Benjamin giggling and pots and pans being moved around. I walk throughout the house until I reach the source of the commotion, which is in the kitchen.

"Hey baby momma, how are you and the little guy doing?" Sam asks as he flips a pancake. Bucky is pouring himself a mug full of coffee as Benjamin starts to eat his pancakes. I lean over to kiss the top of my son's head before handing the sonograms over to Bucky, who happily takes them.

"We are doing fine. He's growing just like Benny did, which means that I'm going to just continue to swell like a balloon until I'm absolutely miserable and then he is going to pop out early." I respond, sitting down at the counter as Bucky slides over a glass of orange juice. I nod my thanks before taking a sip of the juice. Bucky hands the pictures to Sam, who smiles at them.

"That's good. Kid still looks like alien." Bucky responds in between sips of coffee. I roll my eyes and Sam slaps the back of Bucky's head. Ben giggles even louder as his uncles glare at each other.

"You looked like that once too, douchebag." I tell him as Sam puts a plate down in front of me and piles three pancakes on top. Bucky shakes his head, sneaking a piece of bacon.

"No, back in my day you didn't see the kid until it was born. It was better that way." Bucky says, taking a bite of the bacon. I give him a look, but he doesn't exactly see it as he puts the sonograms on the fridge.

"Buck, most babies died back in your day." I retort and Sam smirks. Bucky mutters a curse word under his breath as I butter my pancakes. I cut up my pancakes and then pour syrup over them. I carry my plate and cup over so I can sit next to my son. Ben smiles up at me and smile back as Sam and Bucky come to sit at the table.

We get about a few quiet moments before there is knocking on the door. The three of us still while Benjamin just moved to look towards the door. I stood and walked over to the door, Sam staying with Benjamin while Bucky followed behind me. I reached behind a bookcase on the way, pulling out a knife before I pull open the door. I keep the knife I have in my hand hidden behind my back, but I quickly realize that I don't need it.

"Oh, did I interrupt your breakfast? My bad, Stark." Fury says, looking slightly annoyed. Maria is standing behind him, looking annoyed as well. I sigh and open the door wider, inviting them in.

"Not that you can't visit, but why are you here?" I ask as I shut the door and lock it. Bucky raises an eyebrow and I hand him the knife to put back, shrugging since I don't know why they are here. I follow my old bosses to the kitchen, Bucky following behind me.

"We have things we need to discuss." Hill answers and I pinch my nose. I look at Benjamin, whose eyes are wide as he looks at our two guests.

"Is Grandpa Nick and Auntie Maria here for breakfast?" Ben asks and I look at them, hand resting on my stomach. Surprisingly, Fury has a smile on his face after hearing what Benjamin called him. Nick had told me that he didn't exactly care what Benjamin called him, but Fury is almost like a father figure to me so he's 'Grandpa Nick' to Ben.

"If they want to, baby. Although we aren't talking shop in front of Ben, understood?" I make very clear and they both nod. Sam and Bucky look at me and I just shrug again because I don't know what the hell they need to talk about. I really hate being clueless. It's going to eat and eat at me like a hungry termite in the lumber section of a Lowe's.

"We are eating pancakes. Do you want some?" Ben asks politely and I smile. Hill and Fury sit down and I grab two mugs in one hand. The other hand grabs the pot of coffee. I place a mug in front of each and pour them some coffee. Sam moves to get up to make the pancakes, but I motion for him to sit down.

"We would love some pancakes." Hill says and I can practically hear the smile in her voice. I turn on the pan and start making the pancakes. I put the cooked pancakes on two plates and put them in front of Hill and Fury before I sit down to eat.

About thirty minutes later, I send Ben upstairs to go play while I lead Fury and Maria into my work room/office. I'm on my second glass of orange juice because I can't have coffee and I certainly can't have alcohol-two things I really would like at this moment but I'm certainly drinking the fruit juice like it can either give me caffeine or get me drunk. I sit on the table in the room as the four other people either take a seat or, like in Sam and Bucky's case, lean awkwardly against the wall.

"You weren't here for breakfast so why are you here?" I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose as the baby moves, shoving either a foot or hand into my bladder. Fury shifts slightly in his seat before he looks up at me with that one brown eye. He looks completely serious, but then again he always looks like that. Scary ass pirate.

"I want you to restart the Avengers and I want you to lead them." Fury says, breaking the silence. My eyes widen. I honestly thought he was going to yell at me about making Peter another suit or some shit like that-not-not this. I rather have him yell at me.

"What?" I ask, my voice small as I look from Fury to Hill. They're serious. Oh my God, they're serious. I was finished with the team-Well there wasn't a team anymore since most of its members are dead, but I certainly wasn't going to create a team in its place.

"Peyton, you're the best person for this job-" Hill starts, but I cut her off. It's too early for this bullshit even though it's noon.

"I can't. I can't lead the team and I can't recreate the team. That's-My children only have one parents now. I can't do that to them." I immediately tell them, running a hand through my hair, "Ask Barton to do it."

"Barton isn't as great agent as you are, Peyton, and he can't lead a team. You know that. You also know that Peggy and I were both training you for this role since you became an agent. I never wanted your brother or Rogers to lead the team, you were supposed to do. You lead the team for five years. If I thought you were incapable, I would have left it to Romanoff." Fury fires back, his eye narrowing as he continues, "Hill, if SHIELD hadn't fallen, who would have became Director upon my death?"

"Agent Peyton Stark would've become Director of SHIELD." She responds, a slight smile on her face. Sam mutters a soft "fuck" under his breath as he wipes at his face. I didn't know that I was supposed to become the Director of SHIELD when Fury died. Jesus H. Christ.

"If anyone can balance motherhood and leading a team, it's you. Just because Thanos is gone that doesn't mean the world doesn't need the Avengers." Fury adds and I swallow hard, closing my eyes for a moment, trying to keep my emotions all together.

If I became the leader of the Avengers once again, that doesn't affect just me. It affects Benjamin and the child inside of me. Long nights, missions, fighting, death. Time away from my children. I'm their only parent and yes, Sam and Bucky help out so much, I'm still the only parent they have. I can't just abandon them. If I do this, that's denying them of a parent and that is just ruining their life even more. They already don't have a dad and their mom is all fucked up mentally speaking. They deserve some normalcy.

But then again, I'm the only one that can do this. I fixed everything for everyone after the snap and after everything was fixed. I was the one who got out records wiped clean. I was the one who brought everyone back. I was the only one who could lead. No one else was fit for this job. I had to make the world better and safer for my children. Someone had to make this world safer and I can't leave it all to Sam, Bucky, and Peter. There will be bigger issues that the three of them combined can't take down. Some people move on, but not us, Steve tells me softly, not you.

It is something I've been training my entire life for. Every early training session at SHIELD to make sure I could control my powers in some way, every single God damn mission I had to go on. All that pressure that Peggy, Coulson, and Fury put on me-it was for this. What was the point of all that training? All that blood, all that death, if I just throw it away to become a glorified stay at home mom. We all have to go on. I can't just do nothing as the world crumbles around me.

"Fuck. Fuck! Why can't you people let me be normal for once in my fucking life? Fuck!" I exclaim, my eyes opening as I run a hand through my hair. I turn to look at Bucky and Sam for some sort of help.

"Look, Pey. If you decide to do this, I'm with you one hundred percent. I agree with them. You're a great leader." The new Captain America says, smiling as he sips his coffee. I turn my attention to Bucky who sighs.

"I promised Steve I'd take care of you and besides it's not like I have a job." He responds and I mutter another curse word under my breath before I look at Nick and Maria. Some people move on, but not us. Not you.

"I hate you both, do you know that? I really do. God, I'll fucking do it. Someone has to." I sigh and Fury smiles at me. It's one of those smiles you see on a parent's face when their child graduates. Oh my God, is Nick Fury proud of me? He is. I smile back at Fury. I won't ever tell either of them, but I know me doing this is for the best.

I can't exactly leave saving the world to these fucking idiots.