Chapter 3

Chapter 3Sienna's POV

I stay in the toilets for a while making sure I am calm, so that I can go back out there with my head held high. I don't want anyone to know I am a mess. I don't anyone to know that Harry has had an impact on me, especially Harry himself. I finally stand up and I feel lightheaded. I close my eyes for a moment as I hold on to the side of the toilet cubicle. I was specifically told by my doctor that I wasn't meant to take my diazepam with alcohol, but you know me, I make my own rules. I will do anything I need to do to forget the past and to block out what happened. I wait a few more minutes until I feel better and I finally let myself out of the toilet. I slowly make my way back to the bar, ready for the night ahead. I am handed a flute of champagne as soon as I leave the toilets and I drink it in one. The alcohol makes me feel jittery, yet it doesn't stop me from getting a second flute and drinking that in one too.I make my way back to Liam and I slowly start to feel normal again. I'm drunk, but I am a calm drunk. Liam smiles at me as I come closer to him. He instantly looks concerned when he sees me grow closer and he takes in my tired face. I try to ignore him as I look around for Harry and I am thankful that he isn't anywhere to be seen now. Hopefully, he took the hint and he won't come back over to us anytime soon.

"Are you ok babe?" Liam asks me and I instantly feel irritated by his presence.

I grab another flute of champagne, I go to drink it, but I miss my mouth and I end up spilling half of it down the front of my dress. I get angry throwing the glass on the floor, making it smash into small pieces. I feel people's eyes on us as I draw unwanted attention to us. I don't care though, I dare anyone to come and say something to me. I dare them to challenge me, they will lose and I will make them wish they hadn't said anything to me in the first place. Liam rushes to my side and I get even angrier by him being near me. He is irritating me even more, even when he gently turns me to face him, I get more annoyed. I screw up my eyes to try and focus on his face properly. He isn't impressed with my behaviour, I can see it in his eyes. I can't change who I am though, this is me. This is what happens when you decide to be with me, I am messed up. He already knew this about me, he already knew what I was capable of, and that hasn't changed. He hasn't changed how crazy I am on the inside. Although I haven't blown up and felt this angry for a while. He hasn't experienced this properly in our relationship, well he has, but not to this extent.

"We're going home" he tells me.

It is moments like this that make me pissed off with him, he tells me what we are doing. He doesn't ask me if that's what I want to do because he just expects me to go along with what he says. I normally do, but not today, I don't want too. He normally talks sense and I want to listen to him. He might be ready to go home, I'm not. I'm just getting ready to party and I don't want to be boring anymore. I don't want to go home and think about the great night I could have had.

"No!" I snap and I instinctively push him viciously away from me.

He has tipped me over, he has pushed me over the edge, and now all that remains is anger.

"Sienna" he says firmly yet quietly.

He doesn't want to draw attention to us, that's Liam though. He never wants to make a scene and he never wants to argue. He doesn't want to fight or say horrible things to me, so we can make up afterwards. He wants to sit down and talk about our issues, he wants to be a grown up about them and I hate that. I hate that he hasn't got it in him to have an argument with me. I just need to argue with him sometimes, I need to say I hate him and that I don't want to be with him. I need to be horrible and nasty to him and for him to do the same with me. I want to be scared to lose what we have and I want him to fight for me. I want him to fight for me like Harry always did. I need to know what we have is worth fighting for, but he won't. He won't give me what I want and that's why now and then I blow up like this. He makes me bottle up all of my anger and frustration and he won't let me release it until I force it upon him. It eats away at me and it makes me feel ill. It makes me feel like this and he doesn't get it. He doesn't get that I need to blow up sometimes, so I can feel sane again.

"We can talk about this at home" he tells me calmly.

I can't stay here listening to him anymore. I'm not going home, so I start to walk away from him. I will go anywhere in this party to get away from him, even near Harry and his new girlfriend if I have to. I feel him grab my arm and he pulls me towards him, gently as always.

"Please don't make a scene" he says pleadingly.

I want to laugh because this isn't a scene, he has no clue what kind of a scene I can actually make. This is nothing compared to what I have done in the past.

"I will show you a fucking scene" I snap as I push him away from me.

He instantly lets go of my arm as he staggers backwards. He stares at me hurt and I don't care. I don't care that I am upsetting him, it only enthrals me more. It only makes me feel pleased that I am putting some of the pain I feel onto someone else. I just want to rid myself of this constant pain. The fire inside me burns as I want more, I want to upset him more and I enjoy every moment of it. I love making him feel worthless because that's exactly how I feel.

"I hate you" I tell him insanely.

I mean it in this moment, the anger inside makes me believe I hate him. He just stares at me, he doesn't say anything hurtful back and I want to push him to say something.

"You are nothing but a pussy" I tell him.

We are drawing even more attention to us now and he looks uneasy as we do.

"Fuck off home nobody wants you here" I claim.

He nods calmly and then he just walks away. He walks away from me without a single word and I am disappointed as he does. I am disappointed that I didn't push him enough to argue back. Why can't he just argue back for once? I walk to the bar and I slam my fist on the bar as I demand a vodka. I am soon passed one and I drink the entire glass in one, before demanding another. I am soon handed another drink and this time I stare down at it. I feel of wave of depression take over me as I realise that it was all too good to be true. I knew it wouldn't take me long to fuck this relationship up, just like I have done with all the others. I always mess everything up. This is me, this is what I do. I ruin everything.I stand at the bar sipping my vodka and I look around the room. I want a fight, I don't care who it is with and then I see him stood in the far corner. He stands there without a care in the world and my anger bubbles, over taking any depression I felt. He laughs and jokes with his new girlfriend as he drinks his orange juice. He doesn't care what he did to me, he doesn't care that he ruined my life or that he broke my heart. He's Harry Styles and all he cares about is himself. He broke me until I felt worthless, he has made me into this crazy unstable woman I am now. He made me give up on feeling anything. He made me see the only happy ending I will ever get is where I pour every bit of self-belief and love I have into someone who will never be enough for me. He makes me care for someone who will never match up to the person I want him to be. Liam will never be Harry and that means I will never be complete. I watch as his new girlfriend walks away from him towards the toilets and I can't fight it anymore. I can't wait another day to get answers from him. I've waited 12 months to tell him about that night. I've waited all of this time to tell him what he did to me and what Daisy was, because he would never give me the chance to speak. He pushed me out after that day and he has never let me back in since. I walk towards him as I prepare to confront the man who haunts me and he always will.I march over to him, not caring who can see me. I don't care that everyone will finally see me confront him. I reach him without him even noticing me.

"Are you happy?" I ask bitterly, clenching my fists by my side.

He looks surprised as he turn to look at me, realising I am stood behind him. I am probably the last person he would expect to confront him. We hardly ever talk these days and if we do it is never on a one to one basis.

"What?" he asks confused staring at me.

I hate him, I truly hate him. I hate that stupid smirk on his lips and his stupid green eyes.

"Are you happy?" I repeat.

He thinks for a moment and then he nods.

"Yes, I'm happy" he states proudly.

It's like he is rubbing my face in this, time and time again he does this. He makes me feel low and he won't stop until he destroys me.

"I hate you" I say narrowing my eyes at him "I fucking despise you" I state.

He tries to laugh my words off, but I can see the hurt in his eyes.

"You are the worst thing that ever happened to me" I snap "If I could go back in time, I would never have spoken to you that night in the bar. I would have told you to piss off. I would have left you alone, I would have treated you like the weak pathetic boy you are" I state not stopping for a breath.

I just want to hurt him, I want to make him feel hurt by my words. He place his drink on the table beside him and then he crosses his arms across his chest as he faces me.

"Are you finished?" he asks trying to act like he is fine.

He isn't fine and neither am I.

"No" I snap wanting to hurt him even more if I can "You ruined me" I finally admit "You broke me. Why? Why did you do that to me? What did I do to deserve that?" I ask feeling my emotions take over.

"Why can't you just let it go? It's over Sienna" he says softer this time.

I shake my head as tears fall from my eyes.

"I need answers" I whimper.

I don't care that everyone can see me, I don't care that I am breaking down. I can't hide it anymore, I can't hide the depression. I can't keep pretending to myself that this isn't hurting me.I'm not just crying for how I feel now, I am crying for everything that I have been through with him in the last two years. The last two painful years were he showed me love and he took it away, time after time. He has made me feel every emotion possible in that time. The devastation, the hate, the heartbreak, the emptiness, he has done all of this to me. I deserve answers, surely I do.

"Why did you leave me waiting for you?" I ask.

He quickly drags me into the corner, trying to stop people listening to us.

"What do you want me to say Sienna?" he asks.

"I just want to know why you didn't come back for me. Why didn't you come back for me after Daisy?" I ask "Why didn't you come and see me when I asked for you or reply to me when I wrote to you? Why did you say you never loved me?" I ask reliving the heartbreak.

I hate myself for being this weak, but he makes me feel like this. He closes his eyes trying to block out the broken girl in front of him, I'm not going anywhere though. I have tried to hide the longing for these answers for so long and I can't hide it anymore. I only ever wanted love from him. Why was that so hard for him to give me in the end? He opens his eye and we stare at each other. All I can think about in this moment is how at one time I thought we were unbreakable. This stranger before me was once my only friend. He meant more to me than anyone ever had before. I got completely swept up in him and the emotion of being with him. I never admitted it to him, but when I use to look at him I couldn't believe he was mine. I couldn't believe that someone like him would want to be with someone like me. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I remember how he touched me and how he use to hold me. I never thought that one day we would be nothing to each other. I never thought I'd be sharing the laughter and tears with someone else, with another man. I know looking at him that we are meant to be together. Why else would I always be drawn to him like this? I just wish he could see that too. I wish he felt the same as me, but as he looks away from me, I know he doesn't.

"I can't give you the answers you want" he says softly, snapping me from my thoughts.

I should have known I would never get the answers I needed from him. I've never got anything from him that I needed.

"Sienna" I hear Liam say from behind me.

Harry looks at me and the softness in his eyes has gone again, the darkness returns. I will never get my answers because he will never be honest enough to give them to me.

"Sienna you are making a scene" Liam states as I feel his hand on my arm.

I immediately turn around and I slap him hard across the face, feeling the rage return. He looks shocked as he realises I have hit him. I have gone too far, I shouldn't have hit him, but I did. I have hit him and I can't take it back. He didn't deserve it and I have to watch as he walks away from me. The one other person who swore he would always love me has realised how evil I am and he is walking away. He is leaving me like everyone always does. I turn back around and Harry has gone as well. I stand here alone in the corner, I am left on my own where I belong.

Harry's POV

I rush away from her whilst her back is turned and I make myself get lost in the crowd of people. I hate the way I have treated her not just now, everything I have done since her first met her. I have let her down time and time again. I wish I could tell her why I did all of those things I did, but I can't. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I have done so many bad things since I met her and I have spent so long blaming her for that. She wasn't to blame though, I am the only person to blame. I wish I could tell her that I do care, that I never stopped caring and I never will. My head was just messed up because of the drugs. I wish she knew how much she meant to me and how much I love her. I still love her and I always will. I can't admit it though. I would rather have her believe that I hate her, I'd rather tell her lies. I would rather hide everything I feel because no good can ever come of the truth and the truth is too hard to admit.I look around for Paige to try and distract myself. I can't see her and it's moments like this that make me want to turn back to drink. I won't though, I have come too far in my recovery to spoil that. My thoughts go back to her and how upset she was. I hate seeing her cry, it always takes me back to when we finally ended things. I mean when I really finally ended things between us and I have never been the same since. I remember the way she cried, I still hear the sound in my head sometimes, and it takes everything in me to block it out. I feel a firm grip on my shoulder and when I turn around I am faced with Liam. I am partly relieved that it is him and not Sienna. I stare at the other man who loves her, but we both know he will never love her like I do. I don't think anyone could ever love her like me. The difference between us though is he is man enough to admit it, I'm not. She says the words back to him and it's been a long time since she said the words back to me.

"You just can't help yourself can you?" he asks angrily.

What the hell have I done? It was her who confronted me, not me confronting her. He clearly wants an argument with me too and I'm not in the mood for it. The old drunk Harry would have loved this, but I'm sober now and the last thing I want to do is argue.

"Me?" I ask "I haven't done anything wrong" I claim.

"You can't help spreading your poison around! When will you get it into your thick head that I'm with Sienna not you?" he snaps.

"When did I say she wasn't with you?" I ask trying to stay calm, even though he is pushing my buttons.

"Listen to me you little prick!" he snarls "You won't come between me and Sienna, so stop trying too" he demands.

"I'm not" I say defensively.

He won't believe me, but for once in my life I'm not trying to destroy what they have. I am just trying to move on with my own life and I'm letting the two of them do the same.

"Just remember she chose me" he says.

"I don't give a fuck about her, I'm with someone else now. Tell the crazy bitch to stop embarrassing herself" I say even though I don't mean it.

I would never want to be so horrible about her, not anymore. I watch his face turn red as he gets angrier, I would react the same if he said that about her to me. He doesn't realise it, but we are more alike than he thinks. We both care deeply about her and want the best for her. The difference is we both think she would be best if she was with ourselves. He steps towards me gritting his teeth as he tries to intimidate me. He doesn't know that nothing intimidates me anymore. What is there left to be scared about? I have already dealt with the worst pain imaginable, nothing else can phase me now.

"Don't fucking speak about her like that" he snaps.

I start to get annoyed as he steps into my face and I notice Sienna not too far away.

"Instead of wasting your time having a go at me for nothing. Why don't you go and sort your mess of a girlfriend out" I say pointing at her.

Liam turns around and he rushes away to her. I watch him rush to her side and he starts to look after her. He isn't good in these situations, not like me. He isn't calming, he just makes things feel worse. I should be the one looking after her, but instead all I can do is watch from the side lines, like I will always have too.

Sienna's POV

"Sienna" I hear Liam say.

I place my hands on the wall as I try to steady myself. I feel him rub my back and as he does I lean forward allowing sick to leave my mouth and fall to the floor. I allow Liam to comfort me for a few minutes as I bring up the entire contents of my stomach. I stay bent over for a few minutes as I try to compose myself. I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand and then I stand up.

"We're going home now" Liam says.

If this was any other occasion or any other time, I would have gone with him. I don't want to listen to him today, I want to follow my own rules now. I shake my head at him.

"No" I say simply, yet firmly.

I turn away from him and I head straight to the bar. I order a drink, I am served almost instantly and I press the glass to my lips ready for round two. Liam walks to me and he snatches the glass from my hands.

"You aren't in any fit state to be drinking" he claims "We are going home".

He doesn't know what I am capable of, I have drank much more than this in the past and I am always fine. He just wants to stop me from having fun, he just wants me to be boring like him. This is my night, not his. I will decide when I have had enough and when it is time to go home.

"I'm fine" I say stumbling forward slightly.

"Please Sienna just listen to me" he says trying to get close to me.

"Go home Liam" I tell him "Take your boringness elsewhere" I snap.

I don't look at him as I say those horrible words to him. I know I am hurting him, but I can't help it. I am just trying to release some built up tension and tomorrow I will just blame it on the drink. He will forgive me tomorrow, he has to forgive me.

"Sienna please" he keeps begging me, he places his hand caringly on my arm.

I don't deserve his kind touch, I don't deserve anything from this loving man. He has only ever tried to love me and all I keep doing is pushing him away.

Why can't I just be happy with him? Why can't I just let all the pain and misery go once and for all?

I don't know why I keep having these moments where I take everything out on him. I need to stop before I lose him forever. I can't stop tonight though, but soon I will. I don't even look at him as I turn back to the bar to order some shots.

"Sienna" he says almost giving up.

"Go home Liam, just go fucking home" I swear at him.

I finally look at him and he looks defeated. I watch this time as he sighs and walks away. I watch as he walks out of the party and he doesn't even look back at me, not even once. I am alone, just how I deserve to be. I am in no fit state to be alone, physically or mentally. I down one of my shots and I know the night is just beginning. I pick up a second one knowing I won't be going home tonight.I take a seat at a table carrying a tray of drinks with me. I have vodka and various shots all for myself. I sit alone drowning in my own misery.

Where are the endless people now who wanted to compliment me?

They have all disappeared just like I knew they would. They have all seen me embarrass myself and now they are pretending they are too drunk to notice me. A tray of drinks are placed beside mine and when I look up Niall sits in the seat next to me. I lean my head on to his shoulder, I am in no fit state to talk. He kisses the top of my head caringly "I thought you might need some company" he slurs clearly drunk too. I can always count on Niall to be as drunk as me. The difference is he always carries himself better than I do. I'm happy to spend the rest of the night with him. I couldn't think of anyone better to spend time with than him. I feel my phone ring again and when I look at it I can just make out Liam's name.

Why does he keep ringing me? He is pissing me off! Why can't he take a hint?

Stop ringing me! I told you I'm not coming home!

I text him, closing one eye as I do, so I can see my phone screen. That's what I wanted to put to him, but I'm that drunk I'm not sure what I actually sent to him. I switch my phone off and I put it back in my pocket, at least now he can't keep ringing me. I do feel bad for treating him like this, but I need a night were I do things for myself for once. I have spent so long doing everything his way and I just need a break. I need a break from doing everything the safe Liam way. I'm doing it my way instead. Niall passes me a shot glass and he holds one in his hand.

"On three" he says.

He counts down to one from three and when he reaches one we both drink our shots in one. He coughs as he does and I laugh at him. I am an expert at drinking shots, well anything alcoholic. That's what years of drinking anything in sight will do to you. We laugh together at pretty much nothing and I start to feel happy again. Niall always manages to make me smile, no matter how dark my days get. The party starts to die down and there aren't many people left here now. I stick with Niall knowing we will be the last two people to leave here, like every time we go out together. Niall says something, but I don't listen to him. I have spotted Harry and his bimbo, my eyes are now fixed on him. He struts around like he owns the place, infuriating me even more. I hate him, I honestly hate him. Niall says something to me and he gets up staggering off to the toilets. I wait for him to come back and I make small talk with a few people who come over to me to say goodbye. My eyes connect with Harry's and he quickly looks away. He obviously doesn't want another confrontation with me. I would go over to him and say some other things to him, but I am too drunk. I am too drunk to even stand let alone go after him and start having a go at him. Niall returns quickly and thankfully he distracts me from going after Harry. He passes me another shot and again we drink it in one.

"Can I stay at yours?" I ask.

He nods "Course you can babe" he smiles at me.

I knew he wouldn't let me down, he always has a spare bed for me. He would even give up his own bed for me if needed. I am lucky to have someone like him in my life. I should tell Liam I am staying at Niall's, he would feel more at ease then if he knew I was safe with Niall. I make an assumption that Niall will call Liam to tell him I am staying with him, so I don't bother.

"One more round of shots" Niall tells me.

I watch him walk off to the bar and I watch as Harry kisses his new girlfriend. It makes me feel sick, it hurts my feelings. I sit here glaring at them and I start to wish I had Liam here, I wish I could have someone to hold and kiss me. Niall is over a few minutes later and he places fresh shots in front of me. I pick one up and I down it in one. That's when I black out and I don't remember anything else.

***

I groan as I slowly open my eyes. My head is pounding and my eyes sting. I close my eyes again, my mouth feels dry and every part of my body is aching.

Why did I drink so much? Why didn't I stop and go home with Liam when he said it to me?

I never listen to him when I should and now my mind is clearer, I realise that. I can't remember how I got home last night. I open my eyes again and I stare up at the ceiling trying to figure out what I did. I soon realise that this isn't Niall's spare bedroom. This isn't mine and Liam's bedroom. I feel a slight movement from the side of me in bed and I realise I'm not in here alone. I cringe as I lift the duvet up and I realise beneath it I am naked. I look at the side of the bed and I see my underwear and clothes sprawled all over the floor. What the fuck did I do last night? I feel sick as slowly things start to come back to me and I remember what I did. The kissing, the touching and the sex. I want to cry as I look at the side of me and I realise it isn't Liam sleeping naked beside me.