Chapter 4

Chapter 4Sienna's POV

My head hurts as I start to realise what I did last night or should I say who I did. I carefully climb out of bed not wanting to wake him up. The last thing I want is for him to wake up and for us to be forced into an awkward conversation. I don't want to discuss what we have done and I am pretty sure he won't want to discuss it either. I look around the bedroom, desperately trying to find my clothes. I am relieved to see my underwear laying on the floor, so I rush over to them and drag them on. I feel slightly better as I continue looking around the bedroom, I am at least partly clothed now. I find my dress hanging over a chair, I grab it and I pull that on as well gratefully. The only thing I can't find are my shoes. My new beautiful black Jimmy Choo's. I curse myself in my head for being so stupid and getting into this situation in the first place. I find my handbag on the floor and I grab it. I decide to leave my shoes because I can't risk him waking up with me still here. I will leave them here and at least then he can keep a reminder of me.I quietly creep out of the bedroom and once I am at the top of the stairs, I run down them. I rush through the hallway and I rush outside. I close the front door behind me quietly, thankful to be outside and away from him. I stay rooted to the spot for a moment as I look up and down the street to see if the coast is clear and thankfully it is. I head down the street, hoping not to draw too much attention to myself. It isn't easy to hide away from people's attention when I am wearing my black dress from last night and the fact that I am not wearing any shoes, doesn't help either. I walk for a few streets, so I am not near his house, I don't want anyone getting wind of me being at his. I reach a street a safe distance from his and I stand on the corner. I switch my phone on and it goes off over and over again, as messages fill my phone. I have texts and missed calls, all mainly from Liam. I start to feel guilty not only for what I did last night. I feel guilty that Niall clearly didn't let Liam know I was staying at his, like I had presumed he had. I ignore the messages as I find a taxi number in my phone and I order a taxi from the street I am stood on, once I find the street sign. I try to hide near a wall and I stand with my back to the road. I try to camouflage myself in to the wall, but it doesn't seem to work. I have to endure all the cars driving past me and they beep their car horns at me as they do. I cringe at this situation I have put myself in and I feel ashamed of myself. Why can't I just be a decent human being? Why didn't I stop drinking and go home with Liam when he insisted? I don't know how I will be able to look into his eyes now I have slept with someone else. I have been faithful since we got together, for the first time ever. This is the only relationship where I worked hard not to cheat and I succeeded until last night. He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. It's made me realise that deep down I don't love Liam, not like I should. He's my best friend, but I need more than that. I need more than someone who is nice to me and last night proved it. The only problem is I'm too scared to be without him, I don't know how to cope without him, and that means I will never leave him. My taxi pulls up beside me, after what feels like hours, but it is only about ten minutes. I rush inside and I ask the taxi driver to take me to Liam's address, well our address. Liam's apartment is nice and I like living there, but it doesn't feel like home. It will never be my home, but I am too scared to live alone again. I don't think I will ever feel safe in living alone after last year. The taxi sets off and I stare out of the window, taking in the London scenery. I feel miserable as I do, I wasn't meant to go down this path again. I was meant to have my happy ending with Liam and now I have ruined it. I have started on the path of destructing this relationship and I know I won't stop now until I have completely destroyed it. I couldn't tell you why I am doing this, I don't even know why I am. I just wish Liam could be enough for me, I hate myself that he isn't.

"Hey aren't you Sienna Star?" the taxi driver asks me as he watches me through his mirror.

"Yes" I answer back reluctantly.

He is an older man, so I am surprised that he knows who I am.

"I saw you on that music show last night" he informs me "Me and my wife thought you were fantastic" he tells me.

"Thank you" I say appreciating his kind words.

"My granddaughter loves you, she is a big fan. She will never believe me when I say you have been in my taxi" he laughs.

I laugh with him as he continues to tell me about his granddaughter's room being full of posters of me. I listen as I rummage through my bag and I find my seat reservation from the awards show last night with my name on it.

"What's her name?" I ask.

"Molly" he answers.

I sign the piece of card 'To Molly your granddad is the best taxi driver in London! Thanks for the support Love Sienna Star x'.

I sign the card and when we eventually reach Liam's apartment block, I pass the taxi driver a twenty pound note and the piece of card.

"Thank you so much, you have made an old man happy and made a young girls year" he smiles.

I smile back at him, his words warm me.

"Take care" I say not bothering to take my change as I climb out of the taxi.

He says something to me, but I am no longer listening. I am now walking towards Liam's apartment and I hate to think what I am going to have to face.I am thankful the press aren't hanging around outside the apartment entrance and as I reach it, security let me into the building. I give Mike the security guard a quick wave as he says hello to me. I press the button for the lift and once I am inside, I look into the mirror on the lift wall. I look a total mess, my hair is messy and most of my makeup has come off, some has smudged down my face too. I feel sick as I can still smell him on my skin and I am scared Liam will be able to smell him too. The lift reaches the top floor, Liam's floor, and I step out of the lift reluctantly when the lift doors open. I walk to the front door and I start to search for my keys in my handbag. I can't help hoping he will still be asleep, so I don't have to face him. The door suddenly opens and I jump startled by it. My eyes connect with Liam's and I can tell he has been up all night. He is wearing just his jogging pants, his hair is all over and his eyes are red. I can tell he isn't angry with me. No, it is worse than that, he is disappointed in me, and that is harder to deal with. He looks down at my bare feet, but he doesn't say anything. He walks back inside without a single word and I follow him closing the door behind me.I want to hug him and say sorry, but I know it wouldn't be enough. I am too tired to argue and to get into a fight, not that he will fight properly with me anyway.

"I was up all night worrying about you" he says emotionally.

I don't know if he is emotional because of what I have done or because he is tired. I walk into the kitchen and I grab a glass, filling it with water. He follows me and he stands watching me as I lean against the kitchen worktop. I take a big mouthful to try and stop my throat from being so dry. I drink a bit more, then I leave the glass on the side as I walk into the living room and I sit down on his sofa. I stare around at the home that is meant to be mine too, but it isn't. He created this with someone before me and that means this will never be my home. I don't care about the women before me though, I will never care. If I am honest I don't want it to be my home, because it will be easier to walk away. I know this will end eventually and when it does it will be easy to leave this behind if I haven't invested in it. He sits on the other sofa and I feel his eyes on me, as I stare down at the floor.

"Go on then where have you been?" he asks watching me.

This is my chance to tell the truth and admit what I have done. I will never admit it though, I am too much of a coward to admit to what I have done.

"Niall's" I tell him.

"Why couldn't you have just text me back to tell me that?" he asks.

I can tell he is fed up with my behaviour, I can't blame him for that.

"I was too drunk, I forgot to text you back" I answer.

I just want to have a shower now and to get some clean clothes on.

"You can't keep behaving like this Sienna" he says calmly.

I know I can't, he doesn't deserve to be treated how I treated him last night. It's just sometimes I lose control and I don't have any control of what I do.

"I know, it won't happen again" I assure him.

I get up and I walk out of the room. I walk into the bathroom desperate to wash the memories of last night away. I remove my clothes and I get into the shower, switching on the hot water. I allow the hot water to wash over my deceitful body. The bathroom door opens and I watch Liam walk inside. He puts the toilet lid down and he sits on it watching me in the shower. I don't speak and neither does him, as I lather up my hair with shampoo and then I rinse the soap out. I feel unnerved by him watching me and I try my best to look innocent. I feel like what I have done is written all over my face though. I feel like he already knows, but I know him well enough to know that he would never ask me out right if I had done something like this, even if he knew for sure I had. I don't deserve someone as nice as him, I never have.

"Eleanor and Louis have invited us over to theirs tonight. They are making meal for everyone" he tells me.

I turn to look at him feeling my heart beat fast. I don't want to face him, not so soon after what we have done.

"What did you say?" I ask slightly irritated.

"Yes" he says calmly.

My rage starts to resurface.

"What?" I ask harshly.

"I thought you'd want to see Eleanor, you usually do" he says.

"I'm tired" I snap.

"Well you wouldn't have be if you came home last night" he says holding his anger in.

This is typical Liam, he wants to have a go at me, but he is too nice.

"You are such a fucking idiot" I snap turning off the shower.

I open the shower doors, snatching my towel from the side and I wrap it around myself. He doesn't say a word as I go to the sink and start brushing my teeth.

"Oh ok you are in one of these moods today" he says standing up "I tell you what, I'm going to go see my family and let you sleep. Hopefully, you will be in a better mood later" he says.

I ignore him as I keep brushing my teeth.

"And then you might actually have a decent conversation with me" he says walking out of the room.

I finish brushing my teeth and I softly close the bathroom door whilst I am inside the bathroom. I search in the bathroom and I find my prescription tablets and I tip several into my hand. I shove them into my mouth and I swallow them down with a splash of water from the sink. I am going to need more of these today to get me through. I hide the tablets again, then I leave the bathroom and I walk into the bedroom to find him getting dressed. I don't say anything to him as I make my way over to my small wardrobe. I only keep a few clothes here, I put most of my things in storage when I sold my house. I don't need materialistic things anymore, I realised that after what happened with Mitch. I realised that possessions don't mean much when you are faced with having nothing. I just use the clothes I get when I am working and I give them to charity afterwards. I can feel Liam watching me as I get dried and I put on my fleecy pink pyjamas. They are the kind of pyjamas I would never let anyone else see me in other than Liam. He is the only person who I feel completely comfortable with like this. I towel dry my hair, quickly brushing it and putting it into a simple plait. I climb into bed closing my eyes, hoping he will soon go.

"I'm going" he says quietly.

I don't answer him back, pretending I am asleep. I hear him sigh

"Why can't you just treat me how I treat you?" he asks quietly.

I hear him walk out of the room and a few minutes later I hear the front door shut gently. I lay here feeling wide awake, but my body feels exhausted. I hear my phone go off and when I look at it his name shows on the front. I feel sick as I click onto the message.

'Where did you disappear to?' the text reads.

My head booms as I think about having to face him tonight. I quickly delete his text, hoping that ignoring him will give him the message. I lay thinking about Liam and how much he has had to put up with since we have got together. I always have to be in control and I always have to put him down. I don't physically abuse him, but I know mentally I do. I make him feel like shit every single day and then at other times I overly show affection to him. He never knows what he is going to be greeted with when we wake up and I don't know how much longer he will put up with it for. I don't know how much longer I can let him put up with it.

Liam's POV

I start the journey back home to my mum and dad's house. The rain gently hits my window screen and I switch my window screen wipers on. I think about Sienna at home and I wish I knew how to make her happy all the time. I love her more than anything, but I've never been out with someone who makes things so hard. I have never been in a relationship as difficult as this one. I have never been with someone who blows so hot and cold, but I have never been in love like this before. I have loved my ex-girlfriends, but that was nothing compared to how I feel for her. It is hard being with her, sometimes I don't know how I do it. I don't know how we have been together this long, I honestly don't. I just don't know what else I can do to make her happy, I don't know how to make her see that I love her.I listen to the radio and her song comes on. I smile as I turn the volume up and her beautiful voice fills my car and warmth fills me. I can't describe to you how it feels to want all of someone, all of the time. I stare at her sometimes and I don't get it. I don't get why she is with me, I don't get why someone so perfect would love me. She does though, she does love me, even though she isn't always great at showing it. I am in love with her, she is my best friend and I know I am hers too. I can tell her anything and she never judges me. She just listens, she is a great listener, and she will spend hours listening to me intently. She isn't great at advice that's my job and that's why we work. We fill in the missing gaps of each other. She makes me be the best I can be and I try to bring out the best in her. I usually always do, it's only now and again that I can't. The song finishes and I don't know why I am driving away from her. I don't know why I am avoiding her and going to see my family. I am purposely going away from her and now I have had time to think about it I don't know why. I don't know why I am not sleeping beside her. I can be an idiot sometimes and this is one of them times. I turn back around as soon as I can and I head back home. I luckily haven't got too far away and soon I am back parking my car in my underground car park. I get out of my car locking it behind me and I use my key to gain access to the building. A few minutes later I am unlocking my front door and closing it behind me. I hear sobbing as soon as I head towards the bedroom. I walk inside and I hear her crying in bed and I feel like an arsehole. I quickly kick my shoes off and throw my jacket on the floor. I climb into bed beside her and I pull her into me. I soothe her as she clings to me and within minutes she has stopped crying. She lays asleep in my arms and I close my eyes too, feeling content having her in my arms.

Sienna's POV

I take Liam's hand as he helps me get out of his car. I smile at him as he shuts the door for me and he lock his car behind us. He holds my hand as we walk to Louis and Eleanor's front door. I feel sick knowing I am going to have to face him soon. Liam knocks on the door and he grazes his thumb over my hand, as he holds it tightly. I smile at him, thankful that things seem to be ok between us again. The door opens and Louis stands smiling at us.

"Hey" he smiles. hugging Liam and then hugging me and kissing my cheek.

"Come in" he encourages.

I grab Liam's hand tightly after we briefly let go of one another and he leads the way inside. We follow Louis into the living room to see everyone else is here already. Everyone stands up and we start to greet each other. I hug Eleanor tightly and she gushes about how much she loves my outfit. I watch as Harry stands and Liam reluctantly shakes hands with him. I feel sick as he walks to me and kisses my cheek.

"Are we good?" he asks and all I can do is nod.

Niall walks to me once Harry has walked away.

"What happened to you last night?" he asks.

I feel sick realising my entire cover story could be blown.

"If Liam asks I stayed at yours last night" I whisper.

He looks at me confused and then Liam is over to us.

"Hey man thanks for looking after Sienna last night" Liam says to Niall.

My eyes catch his, the man I was with last night and he smirks as he looks away, he knows now I have lied to Liam and he will love that. He will love having that slight bit of power over me.

"No problem" Niall says.

Liam goes with Louis to get us a drink and Niall glares at me.

"You have some explaining to do" he says quietly.

"I know, but not tonight" I say.

He nods and he gives my arm a quick rub showing there is no animosity between us. Niall sits down and I sit beside him ignoring Harry and his new tramp beside him.

Why did he have to bring her here after last night?

Liam returns with a drink and he passes it to me. He pulls me up gently by my spare hand and then he sits in my seat. He then pulls me down and has me sitting on his knee. I lift my drink to my mouth and I take a drink. The taste of sweet lemonade hits my taste buds and I realise there isn't any alcohol in this. I turn to Liam angrily.

"What's this?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"Lemonade" he answers.

"Where's the vodka?" I ask trying to remain calm.

I can tell by his face that he knows this is going to turn into a huge fight. He quickly pushes me up off him and he pulls me into the kitchen away from everyone.

"What's wrong?" he asks calmly "I didn't think you'd want to drink after last night".

I throw the contents of the glass in his face and he just stands there taking it. He doesn't react or get angry.

"I will fucking decide if I am drinking" I snap not caring who can hear us.

This situation happens quite often, but normally we are private about them. We don't let anyone else see us like this.

"Fine" he says "Get a drink then" he says wiping his face on a tea towel.

"It's too fucking late now!" I snap slamming the glass on the kitchen counter.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asks' finally starting to stand up to me.

I have no idea what is wrong with me, I just know I can't control the anger that is inside of me right now.

"You!! That's what's wrong with me!" I state "Are you fucking stupid?" I ask angrily.

"I haven't done anything Sienna please calm down" he says soothingly which only angers me more.

"STOP!" I shout making him jump slightly "Stop being so fucking nice".

My hands are shaking as I hold them out in front of me, desperately trying to calm myself down.

Why am I acting like this?

"What do you want me to do?" he asks raising his voice slightly "Do you want me to treat you like shit like all your ex-boyfriends?" he asks.

I don't know what I want, that's the problem.

"Tell me what I need to do to make you happy" he says desperately.

I just stand staring at him and Louis appears at the door looking concerned.

"Is everything ok in here?" he asks.

I avoid his gaze and I leave it to Liam to answer him. I turn my back to them and I place my hands on the kitchen counter trying to calm down.

"No" Liam says and I can tell he is nearly crying "It isn't ok" he states.

"Why don't you both just take ten minutes to calm down and then try talking again? You aren't going to get anywhere like this" Louis says reasonably.

I don't look back at them because I can't even talk, I know if I do I will blow again.

"Ok" Liam says and I hear their footsteps leave the kitchen.

I just stand here trying to calm down, so I can be rationale about everything.

A few minutes later I hear footsteps again and this time the kitchen door closes. I turn around and Niall is staring back at me. He is shaking his head at me.

"Please tell me you didn't?" he asks.

I know what he is referring to and I nod shamefully.

"Why?" he asks "Why did you do that?" he continues.

I shrug not knowing why I did it, I wish I did know.

"You said you were going home" he says.

I say a lot of things I don't mean, he just hasn't realised that about me yet. I lie, that's what I do, and I am good at it.

"You need to tell Liam" he says.

I look at him like he has gone mad.

"I can't" I say shaking my head "I won't".

"It isn't fair Sienna, you can't do this to him. He loves you" he says.

He doesn't get it, nobody will ever get it. I can't let everything go smoothly, I have to ruin it. There is something inside me that makes sure I mess things up, something I can't even control.

"You can't put me in this position, it isn't fair" he states.

Life isn't fair, sometimes you get put into a position you don't want to be in, and his time is now.

"You can't make me do it" I say.

"I wouldn't make you, but you know deep down you owe it to him to be honest. He would never do anything like this to you and all you are doing is leading him on" he says.

I hate that Niall knows me so well sometimes, I wish I didn't always confide in him.

"I don't know how to be on my own" I admit.

"You won't be on your own, you have me. I won't let you be alone" he assures me.

I know he means that, but he can't be there all the time, not like Liam can.

"I do love him" I whimper.

"I know, but we both know you don't love him enough" he says walking to me.

I allow him to hug me and I allow him to try and comfort me.

"Please do the right thing" he says into my ear.

I stay in the kitchen when Niall goes to see if Liam is ok and I try to work out how I am going to do this.

How am I going to start the beginning of the end for Liam and me?

I don't know if I am ready to let go, I don't know if I even want to let go of him. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. I want him to get all the love he deserves. The kitchen door opens again and this time Harry walks inside.

"Are you ok?" he asks as he walks to the fridge.

I don't talk to him, I don't have anything to say to him. I watch as he pulls two beers out of the fridge and he turns to look at me.

"Trouble in paradise?" he asks smirking slightly.

I just stare back at him blankly and the smirk quickly disappears from his face. He stands there awkwardly by the fridge, trying to figure out what to say to me.

"I'm sorry for last night" he says "I didn't mean to upset you" he tells me.

I still don't speak, I don't care if he is sorry.

"I never intended for things to turn out how they did between us. I wanted you to be happy" he claims.

"Do you think I'm happy?" I ask finally speaking.

He nods "Yes I think Liam makes you happy, in a way I never could" he says awkwardly.

He has no idea, he has no idea how Liam or he made me feel. I don't say anything back to him, there's no point. There isn't any point in us talking and me explaining how he made me feel. I won't achieve anything, I never achieve anything talking to him. The only thing that ever comes from us being in situations like this is me hating him a little bit more than I did before.

"He does make you happy doesn't he?" he asks.

I can see hope in his eyes, a hope that tells me that secretly he wants Liam to not make me happy.

"I don't know how to be happy" I claim.

He takes a step closer to me and I instinctively take a step away from him. He stops in his tracks and he opens his mouth to speak, but Paige calls his name from the living room stopping him. He doesn't say another word and instead he turns around leaving me alone in the kitchen. There is a part of me that wonders what he was going to say to me. I know though from experience that there isn't any point holding on to what Harry might or does say, because moments later he takes the words back. He can spend months saying he loves you and in one vulnerable moment he can admit he never loved you. He never cherished your touch, the way you spoke his name or the feeling of your lips on his. He can admit that you meant nothing to him and all it was, was something to pass the time. He will push you away when you beg him to kiss you and he will ignore you when you beg him to take those hurtful words back. He will walk away when you lay broken on the floor. He will pretend you never existed and once when he feels like it he will give you a bit of hope again. He will make you feel something and then again he will take it away from you when he has had enough. I have learnt that the hard way, to never hold out for Harry Styles again.I wait another five minutes and Liam still hasn't come back to sort things out. I feel calm and rationale now. I feel like I could talk to him calmly and try to smooth things out. We could make it work, if Niall would allow me to forget what happened last night. I decide to go outside into Louis and Eleanor's back garden to get some air, then I will be ready to face Liam. I unlock their back door and I walk down to the bottom of their long back garden. I sit down on the bench that they have on their decking. I sit with my head in my hands as I try to work things out in my head.

"You'll get a cold sitting out here" I hear.

I look up and Zayn stands in front of me smoking a cigarette. He is the last person I want to see or to speak too. I instantly stand up and I start to walk past him. He quickly grips my arm and he pulls me back to him. He pulls me so close to him that I can smell the cigarette smoke on him and I can feel his breath on my face. I gulp as I recall how close we were last night. I just wanted to get a taxi and go home to Liam, when Niall left me with Zayn to get a taxi. That's just what Zayn wanted, he wanted to be alone with me. He gave me attention that I had been craving all night and he got a taxi, leaving me with a meaningful look that I knew meant just one thing. I tried to convince myself it was a bad idea, but when he text me his address, and asked me to go back to his, I couldn't resist it. I couldn't resist getting attention from someone who I knew cared, someone who cared enough to show it. We have passion, we have a connection, and I couldn't resist it. I couldn't resist the chance of proving that I could still have him. I couldn't help going to his and knocking on his front door. I couldn't help letting him kiss me and letting him carry me upstairs to his bedroom. I had no control when he removed my clothes and his. I couldn't stop it when he kissed my body and fucked me. I couldn't stop it, because I wanted it. I wanted Zayn last night and I feel like I have gone back in time to last year. The scary thing is when I look at him, I realise he never left last year. He never stopped having feelings for me and I have no clue how I am going to get out of this, this time around.