Chapter 19 - Home?

Chapter 19 – Home?

A/N - Hello everyone! Since today is my Birthday, here is a little present for you. I've updated No Time For Us too!!! ❤️

TW - mention rape and abuses

Jade pov

Debbie, Lesy and I are going to talk to Dr. Montgomery, they are going to dismiss Perrie soon and the doctor wants to see us one last time before approving the discharge.

"Good morning ladies, I hope you are doing well. I wanted to see you to give you some information on how to proceed with Perrie" the doctor welcomes us into her office, "As I already told Ms Nelson a few days ago, it would be best to set up a routine so that Perrie is aware of her schedule and movements. With regard to the gynaecological visit, Dr Blossom has confirmed to me that Perrie will continue to see her twice a week, Blossom will tell me when she thinks Perrie is ready for the visit, in the meantime it's important that the area is kept clean and disinfected, she is not allowed to use internal tampons for at least three months and she is not allowed to have sex for the same time. I will know more after the visit" she explains slowly.

"Here I have the prescriptions for the medication that Perrie will have to take every day and how to take it. Make sure that Perrie stays hydrated and well fed and always takes her medication as described in this sheet. Finally, this is the diet that Perrie needs to follow to get her weight back and get her strength back up, Dr Mikaelson, the nutritionist, is available for further clarification and will review Perrie in a month to see how she is doing and whether she should change her diet" she gives us some papers with a lot of med names and answers to our questions.

The doctor explains a few more things and gives us her office number if we need to contact her, we thank her and finally go to pick up my girl.

Perrie has been silent for most of the journey, just looking out the window and observing everything around her.

"Where are we going?" she asks between stutters.

"Home" I answer quietly without thinking, and immediately regret it when I see her stiffen and rub her thighs frantically.

"I mean, at our home, remember?" I say with a warm smile and she looks at me deeply, there's something in her eyes that I can't decipher and it worries me.

Perrie spends the rest of the trip taking long breaths and closing her eyes, shaking her head every few minutes. I see a light coating of sweat beading on her forehead and clenched jaw.

We finally arrive home and cautiously I help her out of the car, she grasps my hands hesitantly and still a little panicked but relaxes slightly when I pull away from her just a little.

Each step towards the entrance feels heavier as if she wants to get away from here as soon as possible. Lesy and Debbie are behind us and as I turn I see their confused and worried looks, neither of us knowing what's going on in Perrie's head or what to do to calm her down.

We get to our floor and I am about to type in the code when I see her shaking and swallowing a lump in her throat, her chest rising and falling every few seconds and I'm afraid she is about to have another panic attack.

The worst part is that I don't know what's triggering her.

I unlock the door and Lesy and Debbie enter the house carrying my bags and Perrie's and quickly set up the guest bedroom for me and the master bedroom for her. My baby and I stand a few more minutes on the threshold when I reach out my hand and let it hang in the air waiting for Pez to grab it. I don't understand what's going on and I don't know if I've done or said something wrong.

Maybe she wants to go back to Liverpool or maybe she just doesn't want to be here.

She interrupts the thread of my thoughts as she grabs my hand and I slowly walk her to the doorway. She freezes and stares at the floor as her eyes fill with unshed tears. She stays still, continuing to stare at the floor until Lesy and Debbie catch our attention by saying that they've sorted everything out and will give us some space.

Cautiously I walk her into the living room and sit her down on the couch but I feel her body stiff and her palms sweaty and trembling. I try to get up to go cook lunch following the new diet Perrie has to follow when she grabs my hand as if I am about to abandon her again.

I reassure her that I'll only be a few steps away and will be back before she knows it and after some reassurance she lets me go. I turn on the TV and let her decide what to watch both so that I don't make a mistake and so that she knows she has a choice.

I get dizzy thinking about the fact that even a small thing like choosing a movie is like a war in her mind.

I go to the kitchen and pray that I have the ingredients for what I will have to cook and luckily for me the meal only includes rice, meat and vegetables. I have everything, I weigh as indicated and after about half an hour I am done preparing. I go to the living room to call Pez but can't find her; instead, I see a flash of blond hair coming from the hall. I get there and find Perrie sitting on the floor leaning against the wall as she clutches her legs to her chest and silently sobs and cries.

Slowly I sit across from her, leaning against the front door and look at her not knowing what is going on.

"Perrie, love, look at me... what's going on?" I say slowly and quietly.

She shakes her head and keeps staring at the floor as her tears grow heavier and her breathing increases.

"Baby, it's okay, you're safe here, no one can hurt you.... Just breathe"

"N-no, don't lie to me... I-I'm not safe"

"What do you mean, love? Alex can't hurt you here"

She laughs bitterly through her tears and I am stunned and baffled by the reaction.

"He already has"

I feel the blood freeze in my veins and my heart stop as I open my eyes wide and think of all the options of what this could mean.

"Pez, what do you mean?" I ask with obvious concern.

She looks at me and her gaze changes. Fear and sadness are replaced by anger. She is furious.

"The night you went to Jesy's, I said I was sick and didn't come" Perrie explains and I close my eyes thinking about that night. It was the night before I broke up with her and told her to leave. At the mere thought my eyes fill with tears that I can hardly hold back.

I motion her to continue, "A-Alex was blackmailing me and... and sometimes he-he would ask me to see him" I listen to her and remember seeing her sneaking out of the house early in the morning or coming in late at night, I suspected she was cheating on me and then, just the morning after the night with Jesy and Leigh I got the video.

"Did he... Did he hur-" I don't finish seeing Perrie shake her head.

"No, he tried some moves but never followed through" she hesitates and I give her time to continue, I know there's more, "That night while you were out I was waiting for Alex to tell me where to meet. Someone knocked shortly after you had left and I opened it thinking it was you..."

She resumes shaking and more tears wet her cheeks, she rubs her nose and wipes away a few tears that are immediately replaced by new ones, then goes back to staring at the floor, "It w-was Alex".

Oh my God

He has been here

"I-I tried to close the door as soon as I saw him, but he-he was stronger and he came in" she narrates as tears flow from my eyes and anger invades my body knowing that son of a bitch was in our home.

"He-he tried to kiss me but-but I pushed him away and he-he beat me, I-I was going to pass out and... and-and then he-he... then he-" Perrie stares at the same spot on the floor and I realise that it happened right here, where we are now sitting.

No!

Please, this can't be happening!

"He said he just wanted me for him and he told me to break up with you but I said I would never do that and-and then you came home and you wanted... Y-you wanted to have sex and I rejected you and-and then the next day Alex sent you the video and you broke up with me"

Oh my God

No, please, no

I broke up with her the day after he raped her

Right here in our house

I tried to have sex with her the day he raped her

I was drunk and she said no but I pushed her and she shouted at me not to touch her, I remember well now. Her eyes were dull and she was broken. He had used her a few hours earlier and I tried to touch her... she was terrified.

Oh my God

Please someone tell me this is not true

This cannot be true

"Why am I here, Jade?" Perrie asks but I don't have the strength to answer as new guilt overwhelms me.

"Why did you watch that video and didn't care and now you bring me here?" she asks again and I want to tell her the truth but the sobs won't allow me to speak.

"Why am I here? Why didn't you just let me go?" her voice is so calm but it rips through my heart and soul when I realise what she means.

"I'm sorry, love. I didn't know, I'm sorry. Please forgive me" I scream through my tears and feel the floor shatter beneath my feet as a chasm engulfs me.

What should I do?

We're at Jesy's place now, I called her as soon as I calmed down and told her that Perrie and I couldn't stay at my-our-my place. I don't know either. Now I'm in the living room with Jes and Leigh, who was already here when we arrived, while my baby is in the guest room resting. She obviously skipped lunch but I didn't have the strength to insist. I don't even know how I will get home or if I still want to go back. I can't believe I have lived more than a year in the place where that monster touched my baby. I can't believe I left her the day after he... the same thoughts keep repeating themselves in my mind and there is no way to stop them.

Someone touches my knee and I return to the present moment, I see two pairs of eyes staring intently at me.

"What is happening?"

How do I tell them?

Just tell the fucking truth

"Alex raped Perrie in our apartment the night before I got the video and broke up with her" I say slowly in a hollow voice. Leigh's eyes are wide and a hand covers her mouth and Jesy stands up and starts screaming and crying hysterically

"NO! NO! NO! I-I texted her that I was fucking ashamed of her! FUCK!"

"He wanted her to break up with me and she said she wouldn't, so he took care of it" I say without emotion still thinking about what happened in the doorway of my home. I don't even know if it's my home anymore. How can I go back there knowing what happened? How can Perrie go back there?

"She asked me why I didn't just let her go," I say still without emotion. Jesy rubs her face and Leigh swallows, no need for me to explain, this was what Dr Blossom meant when she said Pez couldn't stay home alone.

She didn't want to be saved

She no longer wanted to be here

"Perrie thinks I had seen the rape video that morning, she thinks I left her knowing what Alex had done to her. I had told her that she disgusted me and I was ashamed of her, and she thinks I'm a monster. She must think that, I do too. I am no different from Alex, I destroyed her as much as he did! Why didn't I ever let her explain? Why didn't I notice anything?" I spit out everything in my mind hysterically and feel Leigh's arms wrap around me as Jesy continues to cover her face and sob.

We better start therapy soon because the guilt is eating every part of us and it won't be long before we break down and give up.

What the fuck have we done?

"No! Please stop!" a scream rips through the silence.

Jesy pov

Two weeks have passed since Jade and Pez came to my home in search of a safe place. The brunette is looking for a new house to move into already furnished, because none of us have the strength to think about decorating a house. Besides, it would only be temporary accommodation. The blondie spends her days in bed between sobs and nightmares. Every time she manages to fall asleep she wakes up a few hours later in a panic, sweating and shaking, and it takes us more than half an hour each time to calm her down.

Pez barely eats, every day we prepare for her what Dr Mikaelson wrote and try to convince the little blonde to feed herself but it seems to be harder for her than we thought. She still hasn't come out of that room, we often hear the shower water running for hours, Jade managed after long attempts to get herself told why she spent all that time in the shower.

She feels dirty and can't get the feeling of their hands off her body.

As promised Debbie came on Friday evening and stayed until Monday morning. We had to explain to her why we were at my place and she was shocked too.

Now Leigh and I are making dinner for us and Perrie while Jade is going to check on her. Fortunately Pez hasn't tried to hurt herself, also because every 20 minutes one of us goes to check that she is fine, however she keeps asking why we didn't let her go and why we care about her now. Sometimes she has strong fits of rage and insults us saying that we never cared about her, other times she tells us that it's our fault that Alex is gone too and most of the time she stays silent lost in her mind and her horrible memories.

We hear footsteps coming down the stairs and see a worried but happy-looking Jade.

"She's coming down" she whispers, "I managed to convince her to eat with us"

Immediately Leigh adds a plate to the table and I hurry to finish cooking. Dr Mikaelson's diet is simple but balanced and we often end up eating the same things Perrie eats so we don't go crazy making a thousand preparations.

Tonight the menu includes pasta with pesto, vegetables and white fish.

Jade plays with her fingernail peels while Leigh frantically cleans the kitchen, she does this when she is anxious. I take a deep breath and try to act like a normal person.

When have you ever been normal, Jesy Nelson?

Fair enough

We hear small footsteps and turn in the direction of the door, seeing a shy, sad-looking Perrie come in. She looks so small that I have to use all my strength not to go and hug her.

I put the pasta on the plates and me, Leigh and Jade sit at the table waiting for Pez to join in.

She hesitates and looks around for answers to unspoken questions.

"Pez, why don't you come sit down, honey?" Leigh asks her in a soft voice. She looks at her and slowly walks over to the table, when I think she's about to sit down instead she picks up her plate and sits on the floor, slowly starting to eat a few bites of food.

The three of us stare at each other with shock painted on our faces and watch little Pez continue to eat quietly.

As if she had done it a million times

Jade takes her plate and sits down on the floor, facing Perrie and starts eating with her. Pez looks at her confused and stops eating, her eyes full of fear and her brow furrowed. A slight tremor takes hold of her hands and she sets her plate on the floor.

"Would you rather be on the floor, love?" the brunette asks softly.

Perrie shakes her head and hesitates, "Alex didn't want me to eat at the table with him, so he made me sit on the floor..."

Like a fucking animal?

"I see, would you like to sit at the table with us?"

The blonde opens her eyes wide and shakes her head frantically.

"Don't worry, love. You won't have to do anything, you can just eat and spend time with us."

The silence in the room is terrifying and I think that any minute now a collision will wipe out the entire planet.

"R-really?" she stammers, Jade nods slowly with a small smile and stands up bringing her plate to the table. Pez still hesitates but then slowly gets up and joins us. Slowly she sits in her chair and looks at us suspiciously, the three of us start eating trying to act normal.

Although there is nothing normal here

Shortly afterwards, she also resumes eating and each bite seems to stop in her throat. With considerable trouble she manages to eat almost half her plate and once she has decided that it's enough she goes back to looking around like a deer caught in the headlights. We move on to the second plate and see that she has a hard time continuing but manages to eat almost half of it and I feel proud of her achievement.

Leigh, Jade and I strike up a light conversation to break the tension in the room, we tease each other without ever being offensive and every couple of minutes my gaze shifts to Perrie. I see her focused on us and our conversation and when Jade bursts out laughing, the corners of the blonde's mouth turn up slightly in a tiny smile. I probably look like a fool for smiling until my cheeks hurt but seeing that tiny expression on her face completely changes my day.

After dinner, Pez immediately gets up and hurries to take the dishes off the table and starts washing them when Leigh slowly and softly approaches and places a hand on her arm. Our ray of sunshine stiffens and the plate almost falls from her hands as she stares at Leigh with wide eyes.

Leigh doesn't give up and extremely calmly slips the plate from her hands and places it in the sink "Why don't you go to the living room and pick out a movie? We'll take care of this" she smiles.

Perrie frowns and looks between the three of us to see if this is a joke... or to get permission, I'm still not sure how her mind works. When both Jade and I nod quietly, she takes a few steps back still keeping us in check and then exits the kitchen.

"She smiled" I say in a whisper, my friends nod and Jade releases a deep sigh.

"She smiled" she repeats as her face relaxes.

Perrie pov

I'm in Jesy's living room looking for a movie to watch tonight, it seems so weird that they told me to choose. I don't understand their game. Since I woke up in the hospital no one has hit me or.... anything... everyone is so nice and helpful around me and I don't know why they do it.

Maybe they are just waiting for the right moment to hit you

Yeah, that must be like that

They're probably just waiting for me to let my guard down before they hurt me, I can't trust them, I can't trust anyone. Even if a part of me would like to, would like to go back to them.

But I can't, I can't!

I watch the living room carefully, moving around because I know that if I do any damage or touch anything without their permission, they will be angry.

My attention is caught by a bookcase behind the largest sofa, I take a few steps and reach it. I look at it and it occurs to me that the last time I was here, almost two years ago, it was not there. The bookcase is tall and mighty and there must be more than a hundred books, from volumes on music to others on art and many romantic and thriller novels. I skim the backs of the covers and read the titles imagining the stories they might contain.

When I was with Alex we only had about ten books and I had to make do. I would read them so many times that I knew the lines by heart and sometimes I would dwell on the characters' choices wondering what would have happened if they had chosen differently, so I would start imagining completely different stories and in my mind things would move like a movie. It was a good way to kill time.

"You can take them if you want" I see Jesy watching me and gasp when I realise she's only a few steps away from me.

Shit

Leigh-Anne ordered me to choose a film and I didn't do it.

Shit!

Then I realise my finger is still grazing the spine of the book.

Holy shit!

"I-I'm sorry I shouldn't have touched it.... I-I'm sorry!" I close my eyes preparing for the slap that will come but strangely it doesn't.

I look at Jesy and see that she smiles at me shyly, "That one is very nice!" she says enthusiastically pointing at the book I was touching just now, "Here, take it, when you finish it tell me if you liked it" she smiles showing her teeth and I see the joy in her eyes as she puts the book in my hands, then walks away towards the DVD section.

I am stunned by what has just happened and feel my heart quicken and my head throb.

Why is everyone so nice?

Why didn't she hit me?

Jade arrives behind her and looks carefully at the movies, then she chooses one and goes to put it in the player, she tells me to sit down and I freeze, I know what they will do when the movie is finished. When Alex's guests came they would always start by watching a film or the football game, then switch off and have their way with me.

Fuck!

I knew I shouldn't have trusted them!

How do I get out of this situation?

Okay, maybe if I start running I'll be able to get out of this house and escape. If I'm fast enough they won't catch me

I turn towards the door but I see Leigh-Anne smiling at me.

Fuck!

All right, there's no way out. I've done this many times before and it won't be worse than with Alex's friends

"Perrie, you're safe, we won't hurt you" Jade's voice is calm and sweet but I know she's lying. I know they will. They might as well say it, it's not like I can fight them anyway.

I take a deep breath and as ordered, move slowly to the couch and lean on the right side, near the armrest, not getting too comfortable because I know it won't last long.

Jade looks at me with concern and sits on the sofa next to me but leaving a good distance, Jesy and Leigh sit on the armchairs on either side of the sofa.

I am surrounded

Jesy takes the remote control and makes the film start, anxiety is eating me alive and I keep inhaling and exhaling but the air doesn't reach my lungs and I feel a knot build up in my throat. I think maybe it would be better if they would just do it now, without much fuss. I look at the television and see the Disney logo pop up.

I can't watch it

Only good girls can watch it and I'm just a worthless little slut

A hand brushes against my arm and I jump onto the couch. I knew it.

I knew it!

"Perrie, it's okay, we don't want to hurt you, you're safe"

No, I'm not!

Stop lying!

"Perrie, honey, look at me" Jade's voice is soft but does nothing to calm me down.

I turn around and see her worried face, I don't understand, I don't get it.

Why am I so stupid?!

Jesy interrupts the film and I know they're about to start, I hear Jade sigh, I turn to look at her and I know she's getting irritated, it's going to hit me soon.

"I know you're scared, I know you think we're going to hurt you but we won't, Pez" Jade speaks slowly, "you can watch the movie with us if you want, but if you prefer you can go to your room. You can choose what you want, no one wants to hurt you, baby".

Why do they keep telling me I can choose?

Why do they keep lying?

My thoughts are so many and confused that I feel my head explode, "I can't watch this movie" I stammer.

"Yes you can, baby. If you want to watch it you can watch it, if you want to change the film we'll change it. You can do whatever you want, we won't make you do anything you don't want to" Jade says softly and it only confuses me more.

"You don't have to give us anything in return, you can just stay here and watch the film, you'll be fine" she repeats softly.

I have no way out and I don't know what to do, I might as well try to watch the movie and see how it will go. If they behave the way I think they will, I will have validation that they lied to me, if they don't my head will explode from the flood of doubts that are overwhelming me, but at least no one will hurt me.

I nod and Jesy presses play.

Forty minutes have passed and still nobody has done anything. We are watching Tangled and I can't help but remember when I used to watch it with Jade and we would sing every song together. I watch her and see her mouth move along with the characters and I want to hear her singing but I don't ask her. Instead, I stay in my seat and try to pay attention to the movie even though my need to keep everything under control doesn't allow me to fully focus on the story.

An hour has passed and I feel my body slowly relax and sleep take over, but I can't fall asleep. I do everything to stay awake and alert, even though for the first time I feel like I can really let go.

No!

That's all they're waiting for

I struggle to keep my eyes open but Jade's words come to mind

"You are safe"

"No one wants to hurt you"

I suddenly get a sense of peace and safety invading me and I bask in the feeling I haven't felt in a long time, without realising it I close my eyelids and let myself go to sleep. 

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A/N - You guys should really go and read my bestie's stories cause they are amazing! sdedwards25 you are such a good author and funny girl, hun ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C