Chapter 18 - Love me or Leave me

Chapter 18 - Love me or Leave me

Jesy pov

Dr Montgomery tells me to call her if we need her and that she will be Perrie's doctor from now on. She shakes my hand and greets me.

Then I hear shouting coming from Perrie's room and I recognise the voice, my blonde friend is screaming with all her voice, I approach the door and before I open it I hear her, "This is all your fault! You took everything away from me! Get the fuck out of my life! I never want to see you again!"

I'm about to grab the handle when I'm overtaken by a redhead with peach skin who cautiously knocks on the door. A little later Leigh's voice tells her to come in, the redhead closes the door behind her and I'm left interjected trying to figure out who she is and what happened just now.

As I get my thoughts in order the door opens again and I see Jade come out in tears accompanied by a tired looking Leigh-Anne.

What the fuck just happened?

A few minutes earlier

Perrie pov

I don't understand what's going on. What am I doing here? Why is Jade here? Where is Alex?

After temporarily calming myself down from the sick panic attack, I look at Jade and Leigh who are staring at me with concern. I want to speak but I feel weak and all the little courage I had, has been used up doing those stupid tests.

What do all these people want from me?

Where is Alex?

I look at Jade who is playing with her fingers and see the dark circles framing her eyes.

"H-how long have I been here?" I say in a whisper, but Jade must have heard me because she looks up and her eyes meet mine.

"Two months. We brought you here after you- you. We had come to pick you up to spend the day together, remember? But you weren't responding so we asked to get the room unlocked and you were there but... but you-you were h-hurt" Jade says as tears wet her eyes. I take in the information and breathe in deeply.

"W-where's Alex?"

Jade hesitates to answer and looks at Leigh, the afro girl looks at her in response and nods. Jade looks back at me and then opens and closes her mouth a couple of times.

"Pez, love, he has been arrested and he will have to be in jail for a while" Jade says slowly and I again absorb the information. Anxiety takes over me and I don't understand what Alex did that was so bad.

"W-what did he do? Why did they arrest him? Is he okay?" I speak quickly and feel my heart speed up.

"Pez, honey, he did some things he shouldn't have done. He did something very bad. To you. What he did to you wasn't right" now it's Leigh speaking and she looks like she's about to cry again.

Why the fuck is everyone crying here?

"N-no, no you are wrong. He didn't do anything wrong to me, he loves me! And I love him!" panic mixes with my voice and I feel my head spin and a big headache hit me, then I look at Jade and anger takes over every part of me "It was you, wasn't it? Did you say that he had hurt me? You lied just to take him away from me! Why do you have to keep taking everything and everyone away from me!" I shout out in rage.

Jade sobs and moves closer but I raise a hand to tell her to stay back "I'm sorry, love. I'm sorry for everything! I-I should never have left you, I shouldn't have ignored you or told you to leave. I'm sorry!"

Her apologies are meaningless and I don't care, Jade never loved me. She destroyed me and continues to do so "It's all your fault! You took everything away from me! Get the fuck out of my life! I never want to see you again!"

"Pez, forgive me! Please!" she begs in tears.

I turn away and wipe my cheeks without saying a word. I want to get out of here, I want them to leave me alone, I want all of this to end.

"Love" I hear Jade's voice but it's much softer now, "Do you hate me?"

I stay in my position with my back to Jade and close my eyes.

No

I just... I wish I didn't love you again

We hear a faint knock coming from the door and Leigh tells the person outside to come in.

I want to turn around because I'm scared and I want to see who it is, but I don't want to because I'm supposed to face Jade. Fear takes over and I see a girl with pale skin and fire-coloured hair. She looks young, about 25, and her gaze is kind. She looks at me and smiles, then introduces herself.

"Hello, Perrie! I'm Dr Cheryl Blossom, but you can call me Cheryl if you want. I'm a therapist. Would you like to have a little talk with me?" the doctor who I can now name Cheryl asks with a smile on her face.

Why does everyone want to talk to me now?

Why when I wanted to talk no one wanted to listen to me?

I still think about Cheryl's offer and then I realise that nobody gives a shit about what I want anyway. So I nod and the young redhead gives me another smile.

Why is everyone smiling like they just won a fucking prize?

"Hey, Jade, why don't we go get something to eat while Pez talks to Dr. Blossom?" I hear Leigh's voice and watch as she walks over to Jade who's back is turned and her body is shaking. Leigh puts an arm on Jade's waist and slowly walks her out of the room.

"Can I sit there?" the voice of Cheryl interrupts my dazed state and I see her pointing to a chair beside my bed. I look for signs of ill intent in her eyes but she seems calm so I nod and she walks over and takes a seat.

We stay silent for a while and I wonder what a psychologist wants from me. They probably think I'm crazy and I don't even know why.

"So, I heard some fuss on the way here. Were you fighting with your friends?" Cheryl asks cautiously. I nod but don't speak, so she goes on, "Would you like to tell me why?"

Even if I didn't want to, would it make a difference?

"J-Jade took A-Alex away from me, she l-lied and said he had h-hurt me but h-he d-didn't"

"Oh, I see. Why do you think I did that?"

I shouldn't talk to her, I don't have permission.

Fuck!

I don't know how to get out of it, if I don't answer she'll get mad but if I do Alex will get even madder.

Shit!

The redhead stares at me expectantly and her look is kind, but I know it's all an act. Jade said Alex is in prison so maybe if I talk to her, he won't find out.

I ponder some more and then think about what the best option is, so I choose to answer the therapist.

"I-I... I don't know. Jade and I were a couple two years ago but then I lied to her and s-she broke up with me and t-told me she h-hated me, maybe she did it because she's still a-angry at me" I say stuttering from start to finish and Cheryl listens carefully without rushing me.

Her gaze is sweet but I see a fire in her eyes, I imagine her as a badass. Maybe in high school she was a Queen Bee solving mysteries with her gang of friends and sneaking into rich people's homes at night stealing artwork.

Stop it, Perrie!

She was probably just a normal girl with a normal life and normal friends.

Right...

Cheryl interrupts my fantasies and starts talking "Perrie, can I ask you something?"

You already are

"If Alex didn't hurt you, why do you think you're here after all?" Cheryl asks and I'm taken aback. I know Alex overreacted last time, but it had been my fault. He didn't mean to hurt me. He was just angry because he found out about Jade's jacket. If I hadn't lied to him this wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't agreed to see Jade this wouldn't have happened. It's my fault in the first place and he just wanted to teach me a lesson.

I don't say any of this and shrug my shoulders.

"Do you think there's any other reason why you're angry with Jade?"

Not just any

But one more than the others.

"She s-saved me" I say closing my eyes.

"What do you mean?" Cheryl asks and I open my eyes noticing her understanding look. I know she already knows the answer but she wants me to say it.

"She should have let me go"

Cheryl nods slowly and then looks at me carefully " Alright, Perrie. You've already done a lot for today. I'll let you rest and I'll come see you tomorrow if you want"

"W-what if I d-don't want to?"

"Then I'll send another doctor because we need to do an examination, but if you don't want to have me as your doctor I'll respect your choice"

Sure...

"Yes, sure"

Shit, did I say that out loud?

"You can decide if you'd rather continue with me or meet someone else. I'd love to follow you, Perrie, but I won't be offended if you choose another doctor" Cheryl speaks and I see the honesty in her eyes.

Wow

"Alright" I say in a whisper "So, I'll s-see you t-tomorrow" I say slowly and see a smile form on her face before she says goodbye and leaves the room.

I feel exhaustion invade my body and I finally fall asleep but my sleep is restless and nightmares make their way into my mind.

Jade should have let me go

It would have been better for everyone

Leigh-Anne pov

I decide to walk Jade out of Perrie's room while my blonde friend speaks to Dr Blossom. Jade is upset after what Perrie told her and doesn't know how to react. Well, none of us do.

What should we do now?

How can we help her?

In the corridor we meet a confused and worried-looking Jesy and explain to her that Pez freaked out when she was told that Alex was arrested and blamed Jade. Jesy tells us about the chat with Dr Montgomery and we are happy to hear that Pez will recover, at least physically.

I resolve that Jade needs to get out of this stinking, depressing hospital, as the only time she has left here was to go to Liverpool.

Holy shit

And then she locked herself in again talking to Perrie and reading her letters. Jade gave me a brief summary of what was in them and I decided I wouldn't read them. It's none of my business anyway, they were for Jade and Pez wrote them thinking my brunette friend would never read them.

Jesy and I, silently agreeing, drag Jade to a bar a few streets away from the hospital with no little trouble. The brunette complains the whole time saying she wants to go back even though Perrie hates her and Jes and I are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but we try to stay strong for now. For Perrie, but also for Jade.

We finally enter a bar not far from the hospital, only about ten minutes walk. If it weren't for the shitty situation we are in, I would appreciate the design and aesthetics: on the ground the wood warms the room and makes it cosy. At the back and left a row of light grey sofas with yellow and blue pillows invite you to take a seat. In the centre are several small tables of different sizes and shapes combined with chairs of different models and colours that make the room colourful without being excessive. To the right is a long counter with sweets, juices and various varieties of tea and the till. Finally, the beige walls have raised arches in which motivational and encouraging phrases are elegantly written.

And Lord only knows how much we need them

We sit on one of the small sofas in the back and hope we don't call attention to ourselves or people will think a zombie has infected us and we are starting the transformation.

Jade looks towards the counter and I follow her gaze to see what has caught my friend's eye.

Cookies

Well, since she barely eats by now if she wants cookies, she will have cookies.

We don't talk much during our break, just some updates on Alex's situation who has obviously got one of the best lawyers in London, of course he doesn't lack money. Apparently he wants to prove Perrie was consensual and rumour has it he has evidence to back it up.

Seriously?

I see Jade still looking at the freaking cookies and I wonder if she is in her own world or if something else has caught her eye. I turn around again and look closely at the snacks that seem to have captured my friend's mind and then I remember something. This is not the brand Jade likes.

"Please, baba, more cookies! Please" Jade says in her childish voice as she looks intently at Perrie, Pez hesitates but then the brunette pouts like a beaten puppy and the blonde gives in, as always.

Perrie looks at me and raises an eyebrow "Don't look at me like that! No one can resist that pout!" she laughs and points at the brunette in front of me. Jesy and I look between them and we burst out laughing at how unable our friends are to resist each other.

"Alright, baba, I'll go get you more cookies, but you'll have to settle for mine since you've finished all of yours" Pez smiles and walks towards the kitchen, then returns with an open but almost full box.

"But I don't like yours! I want my cookies!" Jade crosses her arms and uses her baby voice to emphasise the point.

"Fine - better for me then! No cookies for you Jade..." Perrie pretends to turn and go back to the kitchen but is immediately stopped by Jade who grabs the box from her hands as if it were a rare diamond.

The evening continues without further discussion about cookies and we talk and laugh about everything and nothing when a snap catches our attention and we see a stunned Perrie and an embarrassed Jade.

"Seriously, Jade? You finished all my cookies?! The box was still full and you didn't even like them!" the blonde pretends to be annoyed, but we can see perfectly she is struggling to hold back her laughter and a smile tugs at her lips.

Jade is red as a tomato and looks down finding her nails surprisingly interesting then, in a small, small voice, whispers an apology.

Pez smiles openly and starts kissing all over her girlfriend's face and tickling her until the blonde and brunette's laughter fills the room and Jesy and I look at each other with tears in our eyes at how much we laughed watching those two.

They are the perfect couple

They are the perfect couple, I thought. How did we get here? When everything went to shit?

"I should get her cookies. They are- they were her favourite" Jade whispers and I wonder if she really said that or if I imagined it. I look over at Jesy and see she's biting her nails and I know she does it when she wants to say something but isn't sure if she should.

"Jade... I know you want to help her, but, you know, we don't know if this could be worse" my friend says softly.

"What do you mean? They're just stupid cookies, what's wrong with that?" Jade looks irritated but deep down I know that simply the emotions are too much and she doesn't know how to control them anymore.

"Even ice cream is just stupid ice cream, and yet, remember what happened at the hotel? I mean, we probably only know half of what happened. We know what happened to her physically but we don't know anything mentally. We get that she hates being called 'sweetie', the loud voice or the sudden movements, but you also know there's more to it than that, and given how thin she is and how she reacted to an ice cream maybe the cookies could be another triggering event"

Jesy takes a breath before continuing, "I'm just saying we need to take it slow. Take it one step at a time and observe her to see what bothers her and what is okay" Jesy finishes speaking and like Jade I analyse everything she said silently thanking that our friend is so prepared. I wonder if she has seen a similar situation before and tell myself to remind her that, if she ever wants to talk to me about it, I will be there.

"Jade, there's something else I'd like to tell you, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way" Jesy looks at me and I already know where she's going, I nod and wait for her to continue by shifting my gaze to Jade and keeping an eye on her to see her reaction, "As you know, I've been going to therapy since XFactor and you know it's helped me a lot to cope with eating disorders and online hating" Jesy says cautiously and Jade nods in demonstration that she's listening.

"Well, initially I was scared and wasn't proud of it, but then I realised that we all face situations in life that are bigger than ourselves and there's no shame in asking for help" Jesy looks at me again and silently asks for my permission to say the next thing, "I thought that given the shock this has caused to all of us, I should go back to therapy and I've already started seeing my old therapist again. And I advised Lee-Lee to do the same, she will have her first appointment next week with a colleague of mine" Jade looks at her carefully listening to every word.

"What I want to say is that this event was not only traumatic for Pez, but also for us. And for you. And there's nothing wrong with asking for professional help. You don't have to do it all by yourself" Jes finishes, and I appreciate the gentle, calm way she spoke about it.

Jade looks surprised and her body is stiff but slowly relaxes and nods "You're right, this situation is too big for me, or for all of us, and I'm already spending too much time in my own mind. Some extra help can't hurt, right?" Jade seems genuinely convinced and much calmer, "Thank you Jes for telling me about this and thank you for opening up to me like this. Could you ask your psychologist if she has another colleague who could see me? Even in a week or two... I need all the help I can get especially since hopefully Perrie will be discharged in a week or so"

The green-eyed girl gives a warm smile and replies that she will contact her therapist today to get the name of a therapist for Jade.

We stay a while longer in the cosy café when Jade takes out a sheet of paper and with a few sentences on it, I recognise Perrie's handwriting and think it is one of her letters. I see Jade take out another sheet of paper and start writing, copying parts of Pez's letter. Then she neatly folds both sheets of paper and puts them back in her backpack before standing up and declaring that she will return to the hospital. Jes and I decide that our time here is over and follow Jade to the cash desk and out of the bar.

A week has gone by and Perrie has not spoken since the day she woke up. Debbie said that even with her she has no reaction and most of the time she ignores her or only responds in monosyllables. We wondered if the reason is that she is still shocked, scared, angry or if... it's because Alex is not there to give her permission to talk to us. Every time she falls asleep she wakes up in nightmares sweating, shaking and begging the monsters in her mind to stop and not hurt her anymore. The nurses and Dr Montgomery no longer tried to touch her after Perrie had panic attacks and hallucinations four times and they were forced to sedate her.

Every day Dr Blossom visits her at 3pm, the young redhead said it helps to set up a routine so that Perrie knows what to expect and doesn't feel unprepared or overwhelmed. Cheryl also advised to always tell Perrie what we are going to do before we do it, even if she doesn't talk to us or ignores us, she is always alert and observant of her surroundings.

Dr Blossom said that after Perrie's visit today she wants to talk to us about something important. That's why I, Jade, Jesy and Debs right now are in her office two floors below the room where Pez is being treated.

"Good morning ladies" Dr Blossom flashes a warm smile which we return, "I asked you to come here because I would like to talk to you about a few things relating to Perrie. As you know she was supposed to be discharged yesterday, but I asked Dr. Montgomery to extend her stay until tomorrow so that I could figure out with you what to do with Perrie" Cheryl scans each of us and then resumes speaking "As you know Perrie has suffered a major trauma and after evaluation she is diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder"

I frown because I've heard of it before but I really have no idea what it means.

"The disorder usually occurs following a highly traumatic event, such as natural disasters or war, and can also result from repeated and continuous exposure to episodes of psychological and sexual violence. A characteristic feature of PTSD is that the victim repeatedly relives the traumatising experience in the form of flashbacks, memories, nightmares or on anniversaries and commemorations. People suffering from this disorder manifest difficulties in controlling their emotions, irritability, sudden anger or emotional confusion, depression and anxiety, insomnia and hallucinations, but also a determination to avoid any act that forces them to remember the traumatic event. Another widespread symptom is guilt, for having survived or not being able to save others. From a more purely physical side, some symptoms are chest pains, dizziness, migraines, tachycardia and weakening of the immune system".

Dr Blossom pauses for a long moment as she lets her words sink in and I realise that this is exactly the description of Perrie right now.

"Perrie has already shown most of these symptoms, for privacy reasons I cannot tell you more unless I feel her life is in danger. However, I have asked you to come here today to discuss Perrie's future. Have you already decided where and with whom she will stay when she leaves here?"

"I would prefer her to stay with me, in South Shields" Debbie says slowly.

"Alright, will Perrie always be with someone?" the redhead asks firmly.

"I will only be working in the morning and will be home at 2"

"Who will be with Perrie during her absence?" Blossom interrogates Debbie.

"Well, I can ask some friends or-"

"Mrs Edwards, I'm sorry but I would advise against it. Perrie needs a few people she trusts completely. Right now no one fits the description because she is completely untrusting of any human being, but it's important that she gets used to seeing the same people over and over again, possibly ones that Perrie knew from before these events happened" Dr. Blossom says calmly with a sympathetic smile.

We all take a deep breath and let her go on "Like I said, I'm not allowed to tell you anything that Perrie and I say to each other during visits unless it's important to her own life. That is why I am telling you that Perrie, right now, can never be alone, not even for an hour a day. It's okay for her to have her own time and space but there will always have to be someone in the house with her to check that everything is okay."

"Are you saying Perrie is in danger?" Jade asks with her voice expressing panic.

"I'm saying it's best if, at least for now, Perrie is under control"

"W-why? C-could... c-could s-she... hurt herself? Or worse?" Jade whispers, stammering.

Dr Blossom doesn't reply but slowly looks at us one by one and nods as we all try for the umpteenth time to chase back tears.

After finishing our meeting with Dr Blossom, the three of us and Debbie go to the hospital cafeteria to reorganise our thoughts and decide how to deal with Perrie.

"So, I think it will be best if Perrie stays here in London and I can come on Friday night and return to South Shields on Monday morning" Debbie says softly.

We nod knowing that it's the best option since we won't have to work for another six months as Simon has ordered us to take time off to look after Perrie and ourselves. In the meantime, he's in direct contact with the label's lawyers about the lawsuit against Alex.

"Well, we'll do that then. Maybe it will be good for Perrie to go back to our home. I never finished decorating it so it might be a distraction for her" Jade expresses in a firm tone "Now we'll just have to tell her" and her firm tone immediately is replaced by a very unsure one.

"Hello, darling" Debbie says as she enters Perrie's room, "The girls and I have something to tell you" Deb takes a seat next to Perrie's bed, the blonde watches us but as usual no sound comes out of her mouth, "So as you know you're being discharged tomorrow, we thought it might be best for you to stay in London and if you want you can carry on with your therapy with Dr Blossom"

Still no answer

"How about you think about it for a while and in the meantime I'll go and find Dr Montgomery to talk about discharge?" Deb remains at a safe distance and watches her daughter whose eyes are tired and empty. Her mind lost who knows where.

Deb clears her throat, "Well, dear, I'm off then, I'll come and see you later," I see Perrie's mother wipe away her tears and walk slowly out the door.

We stay silent once more lost in our own thoughts when Jade pulls out a paper and sits down next to Perrie's bed, who ignores or doesn't even acknowledge her presence as she continues to stand still and in absolute silence.

"Hi, love. I've been writing something these days and I'd love to let you hear it, you don't have to say anything, you know, just listen" Jade gives a shy smile and starts to sing.

"You used to tell me that you loved me onceWhat happened? What happened?Where is all of this coming from?What happened? What happened?"

Jade keeps singing and her voice breaks in several spots but she doesn't give up and goes on.

"We used to never go to bed angryBut it's all we ever do latelyAnd you're turning away like you hate meDo you hate me? Do you hate me? Oh"

Comes what I think is the chorus and Perrie's eyes go wide staring at Jade like lightning has just struck her and I can't help but think, I don't know what Jade just did, but this is the first reaction we get from Perrie in a week.

"Love me or leave me here, love"

Jade sings the second part and again the chorus and Perrie is completely taken and focused on the brunette.

"Love me, baby, please" Jade's voice is so weak and broken it cracks my heart.

"'Cause I could still be the only one you needThe only one close enough to feel you breatheYeah, I could still be that place where you runInstead of the one that you're running from, ooh"

Jade gives in to her tears and collapses crying on Perrie's bed with her head resting against the sheets as she shakes and sobs incessantly.

I keep looking between Jade and Perrie and see Jesy equally watchful, a single tear runs down Pez's cheek and then she does something unbelievable.

She slowly reaches out her hand towards Jade, she hesitates, breathes deeply and closes her eyes, when she opens them again she lifts her hand and places it tenderly on Jade's hair starting to stroke it gently. Jesy and I look at each other shocked as we witness the scene.

Jade lifts her head slightly and looks at Perrie with obvious surprise on her face and Pez immediately pulls her hand away as it hangs in the air.

Jesy and I watch the scene as if Jade and Perrie's universes have collided and they are looking at each other for the first time, motionless and drowning in each other's gaze. Then Perrie closes her eyes and sighs, and when she opens them again, she brings her hand closer and closer until it touches Jade's cheek.

The brunette stays completely frozen as if she knows that as soon as she blinks or breathes, this moment will end and never have existed. Perrie then finally places her hand on Jade's cheek and lingers without breaking eye contact.

Finally, she caresses Jade's cheek, wiping away the tears gently. Jade slowly and cautiously raises her hand and reaches for Perrie's, gently rests it on the broken-hearted blonde girl's and squeezes it.

"I'm sorry" Jade whispers as if afraid that this moment isn't real.

"I know... But it's too late" 

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A/N - Hello! I am very sorry for the delay but I got stuck at work! 🤯

I hope I have made it up to you with a long chapter, though. I think this is the longest so far!!! 🥳

A big thank you to sgreenwale125 for the support and to sdedwards25 for the funny and deep talk!!! I am very glad to have met you both! ❤️

See you all tomorrow with No Time For Us! Love youuu❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C