Chapter 20 - We can be happy

Chapter 20 - We can be happy

TW - mention of abuses

Jade pov

Perrie has fallen asleep on the sofa next to me, greatly to our surprise. The film proceeds but my attention is all on her, I watch as she slowly raises and lowers her chest and keeps her mouth slightly ajar. I look at her pale skin full of the freckles I love and feel anger invade me when I see the scars on her wrists and arms from the too many times she has been tied, cut or burned.

I wonder how a human being could do such things to another human being, especially I wonder how someone could do it to my Pez, such a beautiful, sweet and gentle creature who would never hurt anyone.

I keep observing her, running my gaze over all her shapes, from her feet to her head, I look at her face and for the first time it seems to me that there is no pain or fear but only peace and serenity. I wish it could always be like that and I think of what I can do to make her believe that no one will ever hurt her again and no one will ever touch her in that way again.

I see that she begins to tremble and cautiously take the blanket in the basket next to the sofa and cover her leaving only her head out, she stiffens for a moment but then relaxes again and I smile as I only wish it could always be that simple.

The movie is almost over when I see Perrie start shaking again, I watch her face and know that this time it's not because of the cold. Her visage expresses pain and fear as her arms move to cover her face with the intent to protect herself from her abuser.

"N-no! Please stop!" her voice is broken and frightened and I know we must not wake her up while she is in the middle of her nightmare. Jesy turns off the television and I get off the couch and kneel next to her face.

"You're safe, Perrie" I say softly, "No one is going to hurt you, you're safe"

"Stop, stop, don't! Please don't!!!" she goes on screaming and I can see the sweat dampening her forehead.

"It's okay, you're fine, you're safe" I tell her over and over again and slowly I see her calm down and blink.

Jesy and Leigh walk towards the kitchen to give us a moment alone and I turn to Perrie as she rubs her eyes and breathes heavily.

"It's okay" I repeat again.

"I-I'm sorry... I-I-I" Perrie stutters and against everything I know I decide to caress her cheek, she opens her eyes wide and stays still as I gently caress her.

"I know you believe I'm going to hit you, baby, but I promise I never will. I promise I will never hurt you, love. I know you're scared of me and you don't trust anyone, but I promise you with my life that I will protect you until my last breath and I will never let what happened with Alex or his friends happen again, ever" I go on stroking her cheek and Perrie remains still listening to my words but slowly relaxes, "You're safe here, I promise you, you're safe. Pez, I know you think Alex loved you, but what Alex did wasn't love, what Alex did to you wasn't right, it wasn't your fault, you never deserved any of it. You only deserve love, care and devotion. Nobody should ever hurt another person or force them to do something they don't want to do. I know you don't believe it now, but I will tell you every day. You are safe here. And neither I nor anyone else will hurt you"

"Perrie, I... I made a mistake. I did everything wrong, I should never have broken up with you and pushed you away, I shouldn't have yelled at you every time you tried to talk to me. And that's not an excuse because I have no excuse, but I didn't know. I didn't know Alex had r..." I can't continue as I feel tears sting my eyes, but Perrie looks at me confused and I know I need to explain myself better.

"The video Alex sent me wasn't the original one, he had cut it leaving only the parts where you said you-"

"Liked" she interrupts me and finishes the sentence.

I nod, "And I saw you leaving the house in the middle of the night and acting weird so I thought you had-"

"Cheated" as before she finishes for me.

"I know you don't believe me and I don't want you to see that video, but if you want to see it I wouldn't forbid you to. I know this doesn't mean anything, but if I had known I would never have told you what I said. I regret it every day and every day I pray that some crazy scientist invents a time machine to go back and do everything differently. To not ignore you when we were together, to not be a bitch and to not fight with you. It was my fault Perrie, if I had acted differently you would have never gone to Zayn and you wouldn't have met Alex. Forgive me. I should have listened to you when you wanted to talk to me and I swear to you every minute of every day I wish I could go back" by now the tears were streaming easily down my face and Perrie's too.

"I know I can't go back, but I promise you that I will spend every day for the rest of my life making up for my mistakes. I need you to believe me, I need you to trust me, even if you can't now I promise I will never leave you again. You are safe now, love"

We stay in silence for several minutes while I wonder if I was right to tell Perrie everything and she, I guess, thinks about my words. I know she is confused by the expression on her face and I know that she won't be able to believe me just because I said some pretty words. I will have to prove it to her with actions, every day, until she trusts me again and lets go of everything Alex taught her.

"Jade, if it wasn't right, if it wasn't my fault, why did Alex do it?" she asks in a broken voice at the end.

"I-I don't know love, I wish I knew. Maybe some people... maybe he only hurt you because he wanted to"

Perrie sobs covering her mouth with one hand while the other clenches into a fist, again, against everything I know I sit down on the couch and walk over to her and pull her into a hug like I haven't done in almost two years. I feel her body stiffen as she continues to cry and shake and slowly I draw invisible circles on her back and scratch her scalp. Perrie is still startled but slowly lets go in the embrace resting her head on my chest and holding me so tight I can't breathe. I don't care and just keep holding her knowing that I will never let her go again. We stay like this for almost two hours as Pez cries tirelessly into my chest and lets out all the fear and pain she has felt and is feeling.

"You're safe" I keep telling her, "You're safe, love"

Perrie pov

I am in Dr Blossom's office waiting for my appointment time to start, I always arrive twenty minutes early because I don't want her to get angry. Dr Blossom continues to seem nice to me, however I don't want to make the mistake of provoking her and pissing her off, you never know what people really are like until you piss them off. While I wait I review and analyse everything that happened last night and this morning.

I woke up in my bed at Jesy's house not remembering how I got there, so I looked under the sheet to see what state my body was in and realised that I was dressed as I was last night and my body has no bruises or marks and I feel no pain.

Nobody hurt me

Slowly memories of last night make their way into my mind, the dinner, the movie. I fell asleep during the movie. I had another nightmare. Jade woke me up and then... her words.

"You're safe"

"No one is going to hurt you"

"It wasn't your fault"

"You never deserved any of this"

"You only deserve love, care and devotion"

Jade hugged me. I was terrified but her strong arms wrapping around me really made me feel safe. It hadn't happened for so long that I couldn't even remember how good this feeling felt anymore.

I replay her speech over and over in my head and doubts creep into my mind. I want so badly to believe Jade but if she was just lying to me or teasing me my heart would break again and I can't allow that. Still, I cannot deny how loved and protected I felt in her arms and I cannot ignore how much I missed her skin on mine, her gentle voice as she whispers reassurance and sweet words to me.

I then realised I had fallen asleep in Jade's arms after crying for hours and she must have carried me to bed.

I'm amazed and shocked that she had the opportunity but didn't take advantage of me....

"Good morning, Perrie, please come in" Dr Blossom interrupts my thoughts by inviting me into her office.

"How are you feeling, dear?"

Good question, I have no idea

"Conflicting thoughts" I whisper.

Speaking with Cheryl is not that hard, she always puts me at ease and is kind and patient, she never pushes me to talk if I don't want to and leaves me my time to answer without rushing me. She takes no for an answer when I don't feel ready to say something and looks for new topics. The difficult thing is that she asks me a lot of questions that force me to think and challenge all my beliefs and the things Alex taught me.

"Can you explain further?" again she interrupts the mess in my mind and I silently thank her.

"About Alex... And Jade" I pause to get my thoughts in order and start telling Cheryl everything that happened last night.

"... And then I wonder, if it wasn't right, why did Alex do it? And can I really trust Jade? I feel so confused, it's like everything I know now is being crumbled and I don't understand how to move forward. I have feelings for Jade, I felt it last night as she hugged me. I haven't felt this safe in a long time, but I can't fall in love with her again, I can't give her this power. She might break me and I'm not strong enough to put the pieces back together, again. And on the other side there is Alex, I love him so much but now I start to wonder if what he did to me was really right. I want to see him and go back to him but I also want to run away because every time I think of him I get scared. And I keep wondering if Jade was right? If Alex never loved me? I have no answers, I can't find an explanation, why did it happen?" I spit out every thought and question in my mind. About Jade, about Alex. About me.

"You know, Perrie, I don't think there is a right answer. Every person is different and behaves differently, but do you think knowing why Alex hurt you would help?"

"I don't know, but if it wasn't my fault then... how can I understand the truth and move on? How can I trust Jade?"

"I don't think an explanation is what you're really looking for, you won't find the answers to your questions if you know why Alex acted the way he did and you won't know if you can trust Jade. And spending your time and energy looking for something you may never find won't help you move forward, it will keep you tied to the past. Perrie, sometimes we have to accept that not everything makes sense and I know it can be scary because we feel lost and powerless, but unlike what you think, you are strong, smart and have everything you need to move forward. Everything you have is enough to make it work".

All that I got is enough to make it work

"I'd like to give you an assignment for next time, but you don't have to do it, nothing will happen if you don't, but if you want I'd like you to write a song about how you feel right now. It can be about you or Alex or Jade. Or about whatever you want. It doesn't have to be perfect or even finished, just write what's on your mind. Can it work for you?" I reflect on what Cheryl asked me and think that the last song I wrote was Nobody Like You, a few days before I came to London. I'm no longer confident in my abilities but the doctor doesn't want a perfect song and writing has always helped me tidy up my thoughts so I nod and see her smile warmly at me before saying goodbye.

As I finish my visit I see Leigh waiting for me outside my therapist's office, I get into her car and she starts driving in the direction of Jesy's house, Leigh is checking on me the whole way and I know she wants to say something but she doesn't, but I feel comfortable with her and I'm slowly beginning to convince myself that she won't hurt me, so I take a deep breath and take courage "Is there anything you want to tell me?" I ask her cautiously hoping I wasn't mistaken.

I see her grin from ear to ear and release a deep breath as her eyes continue to be focused on the road, "I just wanted to tell you that Jade and Jes are looking at a open house and will be back later this afternoon, so I thought, if you want I'd like to do something with you, you know maybe watch a movie or some karaoke"

I think deeply about her words and look for signs of lies but I can't find any, and like I said before I'm starting to feel like I can trust her, "I haven't sung in a while, and I don't want to irritate you with my voice" I say all in one breath hoping she won't make fun of me for admitting my voice is shit.

"Why would you irritate me? Your voice is probably one of the most beautiful in this century and I miss listening to you singing" he smiles and I can hear the enthusiasm in his voice.

I don't know how to answer, as before, all my beliefs crumble with each passing day and I feel completely lost.

"We could do a duet and sing Only You if you want" Leigh goes on and I wonder what she's talking about, she must have realised my confusion because before I ask her she explains "When we went to Liverpool to get your stuff we found your box and found the usb, we saw the Paris video and since then we've done nothing but listen to the song, we titled it Only You but if the title is something else you can tell me"

I open my eyes wide knowing that they found the box, but then I realise that in the hospital Jade had sung one of her songs and in the chorus were the words I had written in one of the letters. I hope Jade didn't find the letter I had hidden, but it was covered by a layer of wood that looked like the bottom of the box so I persuade myself that she didn't find it and try to get back to the conversation with Leigh.

"I'd like to" I say softly, because it's true, I miss singing and playing so much, I haven't done it for so long I don't know if I'm capable anymore, but I can't pass up this opportunity.

Leigh-Anne pov

I was able to convince Perrie to sing with me and I couldn't be happier, partly because I think she needs a distraction and years ago she told me that music was her safe place and allowed her to turn her mind off when the thoughts were too much. On the other hand because I miss her voice so much that every night I listen to songs from our albums just so I can hear her.

When we get home we go to Jesy's music room, which is actually a small living room with a leather sofa, a piano in the middle and two guitars.

I ask Pez to write the notes of the song on the sheet of paper where I had previously written the lyrics and shortly afterwards we are ready.

I give my friend one of Jesy's guitars and see her hesitate and lower her gaze so I ask her worriedly what is wrong fearing I have done something wrong.

"It's just that one day Alex and I had a fight and he broke mine" she tells me without emotion and I know how fond she was of that guitar because her grandfather had given it to her.

"If you want tomorrow we can go buy a new one" I say softly, Perrie backs away and clasps her arms to her chest and I think she thinks I'm going to hit her or something.

"What's going on, honey? Talk to me, why are you scared?"

"What do you want me to do in exchange?" she asks in a whisper. I can't help but think that before, she always had to do something in return whether it was for an ice cream, a guitar or a book. And I feel anger explode inside me but I try to keep a relaxed expression because I don't want her to think I'm mad at her and freak out.

"Nothing, Pez. You don't have to do anything"

"Then why are you doing it?" her voice still a whisper.

"Just because you're my friend and I love you" I smile softly.

Her eyes widen and she looks at me like I have three heads, but in her gaze there is no fear, only confusion and...? Happiness?

"So, do you want to teach me your song?" I ask to get through this standoff because I know Pez needs her time to accept that not everyone is like Alex. She gives a shy smile and nods.

I sit down at the piano and she cautiously approaches, lightly taking my hand and placing it on the keys guiding me as the melody comes to life. I enjoy the fact that she is so close to me without being afraid and try to learn the sequence. I repeat the process five more times just because I pretend I didn't understand so that she stays close to me a little longer and make a few jokes about me being a bad musician and praising her for her skill. I see little smiles appear on her face every time I make a slip but I pretend not to notice.

When it is obvious that I should have learned it by now, I start singing and shortly afterwards Perrie starts playing guitar, we take turns in the verses and choruses and sing it two or three more times because this moment is too good for both of us to end already. Then we play and sing more songs like in the old days. Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé and some songs by Alanis Morissette and Florence & The Machine. Perrie smiles more and more, until I see the smile reach her eyes and pull at her cheeks probably hurting.

My heart is so full of excitement that I don't realise it is already 5pm, but Pez notices because after the last note she gets up and thanks me for the day and leaves the room saying she has things to do. I don't want her to feel oppressed or controlled so I follow her but unnoticed, I see her into the kitchen and stand in the living room with both doors open so I can see what she is doing.

I see her going from one side of the kitchen to the other tidying up and cleaning all the surfaces, then she goes to the laundry room and comes back with a bucket of water and starts scrubbing the floor. When I am nervous I also have a tendency to tidy up so I wonder if she has also adopted this method or is there something else. From what I remember Perrie has never been a sorting person, but with Alex she might have changed. I awaken from the trance I've lost myself in, when I see her walking past with a laundry basket and up the stairs.

Two hours have already passed and Perrie has practically cleaned every corner of the house and I don't know whether I should stop her or let her continue. I don't want her to get scared for some reason so I decide to wait for her to finish, mentally reminding myself to broach the subject with her and the girls when she is comfortable.

It is eight o'clock and Jade and Jesy come home from their visit to some flats. They are carrying two large shopping bags and I see vegetables and various packages popping out, I look closer and see that Jade is also carrying a bunch of flowers.

Jesy tells me that tonight the two of us will go out to dinner while Jade will stay with Perrie to have some time for them and I happily agree, then I tell them about our afternoon and how Perrie seemed happy for the first time in a long time. I also tell them about her new mania for cleaning and they agree with me to broach the subject at the right time.

When Perrie arrives and sees our friends she looks surprised but not afraid, then Jade cautiously approaches her and surprisingly Perrie is just a little stiff, but doesn't pull away.

Jade pulls out the bouquet of flowers hidden behind her back and Pez's eyes go wide.

"For you" she says softly with a smile painted on her face.

Perrie frowns and her hands hang in the air as if she doesn't know what to do next "Why?"

"I told you, you deserve nothing but love, care and devotion. I know it's not much, but the yellow of the sunflowers reminded me of your golden hair and the blue of the hydrangeas your ocean eyes" Jade says shyly as a blush rises to her cheeks.

Perrie's eyes fill with tears that she doesn't try to hold back and they wet her face as she picks up the flowers and clutches them to her chest, sticking her nose into them as if she could smell.

"Pez, baby, is something wrong?" a visibly flustered Jade asks now and I wonder if she could be more oblivious.

"N-no. N-no. T-they're beautiful. Thank you, Jade" the blonde says sobbing but with eyes full of emotion, she approaches Jade who looks at her lovingly and they stare at each other waiting for what seems like hours finding themselves in each other's gaze.

And in the end a thought grows brighter and brighter in me.

We can be happy 

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A/N - Thank you to the super kind and friendly sdedwards25 , sgreenwale125 and jerrie4liferssssss for helping me and giving  a lot of good ideas and suggestions ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C