Chapter 21 - Lightning

Chapter 21 - Lightning

TW - mention of abuses

Perrie pov

After finishing tidying up the whole house as I was taught, I reach the main hallway separating the kitchen from the living room and realise that Jade and Jes have returned. Jade approaches me cautiously and I stiffen but don't move, slowly I see her hand hidden behind her back shift to reveal a beautiful bouquet of blue and yellow flowers.

"For you" she says to me.

I'm confused, why would she give me flowers? I have done nothing to deserve them. I decide to express my doubts by asking her why.

"I told you, you only deserve love, care and devotion. I know it's not much, but the yellow of the sunflowers reminded me of your golden hair and the blue of the hydrangeas your ocean eyes" Jade says with a shy smile and I see a blush colour her cheeks.

My heart speeds up and I feel something explode in my stomach, but in a good way. I feel so full of happiness that every doubt I have about everything that has been going on lately disappears because I just want to stay in this bubble of joy for as long as possible.

Without realising it I let the tears that have grown in my eyes fall because the emotion is too much to be contained, while I take the flowers and breathe in imagining what their scent might be. Immediately Jade asks me if there's something wrong and I just want to hug her, but I still don't have enough courage in me or enough confidence in her to do so, so I decide to simply say how I feel while trying to show how happy I am.

"N-no. N-no. T-they're beautiful. Thank you, Jade" I stammer through my tears and enjoy the warm feeling Jade's eyes give me when she looks at me. I see a mixture of feelings in them, happiness, emotion and...? Love?

Perrie don't think too big

Right, I shouldn't get caught up in the excitement, but I can't help but feel good and again my pulse quickens as if my heart could burst at any moment.

The moment is ruined by Jesy saying goodbye to us having decided to go out to dinner with Leigh tonight, which implies that Jade and I will be home alone and now anxiety starts to work its way through my body.

I've felt so good so far that I can't help but think something bad is about to happen. I put this thought in the back of my mind and try to stay focused on the good things that have happened today.

All I got is enough to make it work

I repeat the sentence to myself as if it was a mantra as I follow Jade into the kitchen, see her take the groceries out of the bags and approach to help her because she shouldn't be the one to do it. Jade tells me to sit down and relax and I don't even bother to wonder what's going on anymore because I realise that all the rules have been violated here.

When Jade has finished tidying up I offer to cook and it's now that my heart breaks again.

"Actually, I was thinking about something else" she says with a smile.

The world is crumbling under my feet and I don't want to do it but I can't refuse, she gave me flowers and was kind to me. If I don't, she will get angry and hit me and I have learnt with Alex that whether I fight or not, others will always have their way with me. But if I stand still and let her do it maybe it will hurt less and I know it's no use refusing anyway. If I fight it will be worse but if I accept maybe she will be kind.

Jade is on her back pulling out a pan and has no idea of the war in my mind. Just as well, I don't want her to think I will fight.

I slowly start to unbutton my shirt as tears stream down my face, but they're no longer tears of joy, then I unzip my jeans and take them off, as I slide them down my legs more tears come out of my eyes for being so stupid for trusting her, or anyone else. I kneel on the floor remaining only in my underwear because Alex liked ripping them off me and I think Jade will like it too.

She is still turned towards the kitchen when a sob from me fills the silence and Jade automatically turns around.

"Perr- What?" Jade kneels down in front of me and I close my eyes expecting her to have fun with my body, but instead I feel soft fabric run from my wrists up to my shoulders and wrap first my arms and then my chest. I slowly open my eyes and find Jade intent on re-buttoning my shirt. When she has closed the last button she looks at me intently and I find no anger or lust but only care and concern.

Jade slowly lifts her hands and another sob escapes my mouth thinking she will hurt me, but instead she wipes away my tears and moves closer until her face is inches from mine.

And now?

She kisses my forehead softly and her lips linger on my skin for seconds that seem like an eternity. When she pulls away she takes my hands and helps me up and I notice that I miss the warmth of her lips on my skin. Then she reaches down again and lifts one of my feet, I stiffen but again I feel a fabric wrap around first my foot, then my calf and finally my knee, soon she does the same with my other leg and finally pulls my jeans up to my waist.

Again she stares at me deeply and I lose myself in her warm gaze, until I feel her hands touch the middle of my waist just above my panties. I swallow but she doesn't look away. I feel my jeans pull slightly and then release and when I look down I see that she has them zipped back up. Jade takes a few steps back and I stand still.

"Talk to me" her voice cracks at the end and now I see her eyes turn watery as she fights to keep the tears from falling. "Please talk to me" she repeats.

"Y-you said that... you had something else in mind" I lower my gaze and let the tears flow "I-I thought that... that... that... y-you wanted to have s-sex with me. If you want to do that I won't fight you. Just please don't hurt me" I sob desperately.

"No! What? Oh my God! No, baby, I didn't mean it like that!" she says in a voice steeped in anxiety.

"I have something else in mind, I meant you could go and take a hot bath while I cook" her words come out fast and frantic and hit me like lightning and I feel so lost as I wonder if I can trust her.

"I-I don't understand, why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because everyone should be nice to everyone else. Because everyone should be kind to you and respect and love you, baby"

"You're not lovable!"

"You're just a worthless little slut and no one will ever love you"

"You only deserve love and you should never do anything you don't want to"

"No one could love you, you are only good for one thing"

"I know you don't believe me, but I'll never stop saying it, I'll take care of you if you let me, I'll protect you and I'll make sure no one will ever hurt you again"

"Jade just teased you, Perrie, she just wanted her toy and you were there at the right time"

"Nobody gives a shit about you"

"You're useless!"

"I just want you to know how much I care about you and I would never force you to do anything you don't want to do, I...I love you Perrie. I will spend the rest of my life telling you and demonstrating it until you will believe me"

"I never want to fucking see you again!"

"It disgusts me to be in the same room with you!"

"It disgusts me to hear your voice!"

I shake my head to banish the voices, Alex's voice so deep and intimidating and Jade's so cold and cutting.

"Love, please look at me. What's in your cute mind?"

"You disgust me!"

"You make me feel sick!"

"Y-you don't want to have sex with me because I disgust you?" I ask knowing the answer already, but I need to hear it, I need Jade to tell me what I already know to confirm that I'm right, that Alex is right and everything that's going on these days is just a sick joke.

Jade freezes and her red eyes from crying fill with tears again.

"W-what? No no no, Perrie, no! I-I was wrong. I should never have told you such a thing. Perrie I... I never really thought that. I was just angry, furious and I was so stupid to tell you something like that. I'm sorry, love, I'm sorry" she cries and wipes away the tears that keep falling replacing the old "You don't disgust me, Pez. You don't make me feel sick"

"You are the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. I like everything about you. Your personality, your smile and every inch of your body. I like your sun-kissed hair and your eyes that I drown in every time you look at me. I love your dimple on your cheek when you smile too much and that freckle on your lip that makes me want to kiss you every time. You are beautiful, love, and I want to make love to you every day and every hour. But I don't want you to feel you have to, I will never do something you don't want to and I won't force you to do it if you say no. You have the right to say no and no one, and I mean no one, will ever have to question it or cross the line without your consent"

I stay silent letting her words sink in and more and more doubts creep into my mind

"You have the right to say no"

"No one will ever have to cross the line without your consent"

"You're stronger than you think, Perrie"

"You're my friend and I love you"

"You deserve only love, care and devotion"

"I will take care of you if you let me"

"I... love you Perrie"

I collapse in a cry of despair and release letting out all the emotions crushing my heart and feel Jade's arms wrap around me and hold me. I don't push her away, I don't want her to leave me. I want her to stay with me while all my fears stop. Until all the tears and pain are gone.

"Everything will be alright, love. You will be fine" Jade whispers and despite the fear I believe her.

I will be fine

Everything will be alright

"Now come on, I'll get your bath ready and then I'll cook" she says as she kisses my temple. I hold her tighter because I don't want this moment to end. We stay like this for a while longer and I feel safe. I feel good. I feel protected. For the first time in a long time, I feel loved.

It's 3am and I can't sleep. I miss Jade's strong arms and her warm skin on mine, but we haven't slept in the same bed since I've been back, and while I was glad at first, I want her here now.

I'm tempted to go to her but I'm afraid that if I wake her up all the magic of this evening will dissipate.

I walk around the house quietly so as not to make any noise and not to wake Jade or Lesy.

Thoughts race through my mind. Jade's words, Alex's words... I don't know who to believe anymore. During my hot bath I couldn't help but think of Jade's words, how good I felt in her arms, how she is taking care of me. Dinner went just as well, Jade cooked spaghetti with meatballs which she knows is my favourite because of Lady and the Tramp. It was still difficult to eat but she didn't rush me and was patient and after more than an hour I almost finished my meal.

It still feels wrong that I don't have to sit on the floor during meals or do everything around the house, Jade told me that we help each other and I don't have to serve her as if she was my owner. Quite the opposite of Alex.

The thing that seems strangest to me is that no one has hit me yet or wanted to have sex with me.

Jade said she wants to make love to me, but she will wait until I am ready. But at the mere thought a knot forms in my throat. I don't know if I will ever want to do it again, I don't know if I will ever be ready. What if she gets tired of waiting and leaves me? Or what if she gets fed up and forces me?

My wandering has brought me in front of Jesy's music room and I decide to go inside. I look around and observe again the space lit only by the moonlight coming in through the windows giving it a peaceful and romantic atmosphere.

My gaze focuses on a small desk that I hadn't noticed when I was here with Leigh this afternoon, when I think about it I feel like it was ages ago. A smile takes shape on my face as I think back to our improvised karaoke session and realise that I haven't felt this happy and at peace with myself in a long time.

I missed singing so much that when I finally did it again, all the demons disappeared.

Music has always been my safe place, the only place where I can escape from the hustle and bustle and drama that is life.

I approach the desk and notice a small desk lamp, a PC and a tea cup. I turn on the lamp and the dim light allows me a better view of the desk. With my fingers I trace the length of the surface and remember the first months in Liverpool.

Every day I would take a key and carve a line to indicate the day of my permanence, eventually I gave up and stopped. I just adjusted to the idea that I would stay there forever.

I keep looking at the table and notice some pens, hair bands, a pair of eyeglasses that I recognise are Jesy's and a small notebook.

Fear tells me not to touch it but curiosity gets the better of me and I pick it up. When I open it some scattered papers fall on the floor and I hurry to pick them up hoping to put them back in order and that no one will notice that I have touched them.

One sheet hits me and I recognise Jade's handwriting, I read the date in the top right hand corner and it is a couple of weeks old, a small sun is drawn in the left hand corner of the page and I wonder what it means.

I read the words and a feeling I haven't had in a long time takes over... jealousy?

They try to romance me, but you got that nastyAnd that's what I wantSo baby, babyCome and save meDon't need those other numbersWhen I got my number one

Last night, I laid in bed so blue'Cause I realized the truthThey can't love me like youI tried to find somebody newBaby, they ain't got a clueCan't love me like you

I look at another sheet of paper and the words sound so familiar but I cannot understand where I have heard them before. Again the date tells me that it was written recently, when I was in hospital.

I just wanna scream out 'til my voice breaksEven if the tears fall and my heart hates me (ooh, whoa)I just wanna know how I can save meEven if these three words choke and take meBaby, I love you

Again jealousy makes its way inside me, again a small sun is drawn in the corner of the page.

I keep flipping through the pages and scattered papers and find many of our songs from the first two albums plus a few I've never heard.

When Alex let me use the PC I was always looking for new Little Mix songs but the websites said the new album had not yet been released

Yet some of these songs sound familiar, like I've heard them before.

For the most part they are written by Jade, but on some pages I recognise the handwriting of Leigh-Anne and Jesy, the latter told me that they were late with the production of the new album because they couldn't write but here I see many new songs. Even if I didn't answer when they spoke to me I listened to every word.

I look at all the dates and notice that they were all written at the same time, during my hospitalisation, most of them have a sun drawn in the corner and now I wonder if...

No, that's not possible

But Jade often called me her ray of sunshine, so could it be?

Did Jade write them for me?

I check again for the hundredth time and lightning strikes me.

My love won't let you down. I know I've heard it before. I recognise Jade's handwriting as in most of the other lyrics, but also Jesy's, messy and heavy, and Leigh's, neat and clean. A smile tugs at my lips as I realise that their writing fully reflects their personalities: a tornado, Jesy and calm, Leigh... except when driving.

Going back to the song I remember hearing it. I remember knowing it.

Suddenly I reminisce about the day I woke up, I could hear Jade's voice whispering to me to trust her and that I was safe and I decided to rely, I decided to go back to her.

"Trust me, my love won't let you down"

Thoughts of Jade and Alex keep chasing each other through my mind and I think back to the task Dr Blossom gave me.

Given the improbability of being able to sleep, I might as well try writing.

Writing has always helped me to let out all my emotions and tidy up my thoughts. It can't hurt.

I take out a blank sheet of paper and start carving my thoughts, feelings, doubts, contrasts in my mind.

Jade and the desire to return to her but also not to love her again. Her eyes and the spell they cast on me every time I look at her, her voice like a serenade and all the pleasure and pain every time I think of her, like a lightning bolt that strikes me and goes through my soul.

Alex and the love I feel for him but the willingness to run away from his love, from the pain and the storm as the light escapes the darkness to heal and not feel my heart break. The electricity that runs through me and this love that tears me apart.

Like a storm the words pour onto paper as I bare my soul and let out my emotions and feelings. Hate, resentment, anger, sadness but also love and the desire to be loved.

Everything seems so confused and so clear and without realising it, sleep takes hold of my body and I fall completely numb right here, with the paper in one hand and the pen in the other. 

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A/N - Thanks to my wifey sdedwards25! Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C