Chapter 57

Katniss

"And it's a damn cold night trying to figure out this life." -Avril Lavigne

I lay in bed, locked in Peeta's embrace. Sleep doesn't come. It never comes.I feel his warmth all around me, but is it enough to melt the ice I feel in my veins? Maybe not.

Silent tears slip from my eyes as I think of the children I will never be able to give to Peeta, who wants them so badly. I think of the happy marriage that I will never get to live in because of what's wrong with me. I feel as if some dark creature is on top of me, stealing my breath and stealing all happiness from my mind.

Suddenly, I feel myself out of Peeta's arms, standing up in the darkness of the bedroom. I begin to walk quietly to the bathroom. I don't know what's drawing me there. I hear the bed creaking behind me, and I turn slowly to see Peeta sitting up. "Katniss? Are you alright?" He asks.I just stand there, unmoving. I feel as if I'm frozen, time is frozen. My hands feel like ice. What's happening to me?

The next thing I know, I'm walking again, towards the bathroom. Peeta's there in an instant, holding my hand. He walks with me, though the darkness, acting as a guide."What do you need to do?" He asks. I still don't answer. I just keep walking slowly. When we finally reach it, I reach my shaking hand to the medicine cabinet. I finally realize what I'm going for.

Sleep syrup.

But Peeta doesn't know that. His hand flies up to where mine is reaching and covers the handle to the cabinet. "Katniss, what are you doing?" He asks.Dazedly, I speak."I just need to get something." I say.Reluctantly, he moves his hand, but only a bit. I open the cabinet.

My hand finds the bottle of sleep syrup. My shaking hands fumble with the lid, struggling to get it open. Peeta takes it from me, examining the bottle to see what it is.I must mumble something like "sleep syrup.""Sleep syrup." He says, realizing, "I get it now. Here, hold on." He takes the bottle and goes downstairs.

I sit on the edge of the bathtub, and let out a breath. I put my face in my hands and will myself not to cry, not to fall apart. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Peeta comes back with a cup of tea and places the bottle of syrup back into the medicine cabinet.

He holds the tea in one hand and clutches my hand in the other. He leads me back to bed and I glance at the clock. It's only 12:30 am. He sits on the edge of the bed after he gets me situated in it. He hands me the cup of tea."It's in there." He says, gesturing to the tea.I nod a little."Thank you." I say.

I drink half of the tea before placing the cup on the table next to the bed. I lay down and close my eyes. I feel sleep dragging me out. The last thing I feel before I'm taken completely by sleep is Peeta's warm, gentle hand on my cheek.

--

I'm surrounded by wildflowers. The sun warms my face. I sit in a seemingly endless Meadow, watching a butterfly flit around the colorful flowers. I stand up and begin to walk through the meadow.

"Oh my God." I hear a voice say from behind me. I turn toward the voice. Standing in front of me is my little sister. Prim stands, unscathed, in a white dress with her blonde hair flowing down her shoulders and onto her back.I raise a hand to my mouth."Prim..." I say, my voice breaking."Katniss?" She asks. I see tears forming in her eyes.She hurries toward me, throwing herself into my embrace. I wrap her in my arms, she wraps me in hers.

Finally, I can feel what I've longed to feel. Her arms around me. I can feel her embrace, smell her presence, see her face. My little sister. One of us loses our footing, and we topple to the ground, laughing and crying all at once.

"What are you doing here?" I ask."I was going to ask you the same thing, actually." She says."I don't know why I'm here." I reply."Me either. But that doesn't matter. We're here together, aren't we?" She says."Yeah." I say, sighing.

We sit together, laughing and talking. Prim becomes very serious when we talk about me."I know you're hurting." She says."You don't even know." I say."I watch you every day. I'm always there with you, you know. I'd never leave you." Prim says seriously."So you know...about...?" I say, trailing off."About the phone call? About how they can't do anything for you? Yeah, I know." She says sadly.

I don't reply. I hold my breath to fend away tears."Tell me what you're feeling. Be honest..." She says."I just feel so helpless. Like there's nothing I can do. I'm going to be like this forever." I say."Tell me," she says, "Exactly what's making you feel like this."I'm silent. I don't want to admit it."L-losing you..." I say.

"No... No." She says, "I don't want it to be like that." "And the fact that I'm not going to get better. And the relapses." I add on, trying to convince her that it's not her fault."And when you tried to kill yourself...?" She says."It was... It was because I didn't want to be without you. I didn't want to live without you." I admit through tears.She's crying now.

"I'm so sorry." She says, "I didn't want to leave you. I didn't want this to happen because of me!" I pull her into my arms. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be fine, Prim." I say. But it's hard for me to say, knowing that I might not be.

"But..." She says."It's okay." I say, holding her."I just worry about you so much. I know how you want to die. I know how you want to live. I know how you feel like you'll never be able to repay Peeta." She says."I can't deny it." I say.

We're silent for a while, the weight of the conversation weighing down on us."This is depressing. Let's talk about you." I finally say."What about me?" Prim replies."Where are you? Like, where did you go after you died?" I ask. "Some people call it Heaven. Some people just call it the afterlife. It's so nice. Everybody's happy and there's always enough food to eat and nobody is sick or in pain ever. There are lots of friendly people to be with." She explains happily."Tell me more about it. Who've you met?" I ask."I met this girl, I think you knew her... Rue. She's very nice. She's funny, too. We're great friends." Prim explains."Rue? Like, my ally?" I ask, amazed.

She smiles. "Yup. That one.""Who else?" I ask."Plenty of new friends. Let me think, though. There are a couple people you would know.... Oh! Finnick's there! And so is Dad, of course. He's just like I remember him. And he told me to tell you that he loves you very much." She says."Anybody else?" I ask."Well, I'm not an expert on your Games because I was so busy worrying about you, but there's a few more. Mags and Finnick are back with each other again. It's cute. Cato and Clove got married, too. Thresh is there. Oh, and Boggs. He says that he's proud of you, soldier. And Cato and Clove and Thresh, basically all of the tributes in your Games, say thank you for getting revenge on Snow." She says."Wow..." I say quietly."Yeah, I think that's mostly it. Oh! I forgot Madge, too." She says.

"I'm happy that, um, that they're all okay." I say. I want to feel happy, but honestly I feel worse. They're all happy and they're all okay. And I'm stuck here in this world of consequence and pain.

"Promise me something." Prim says."Hm?" I say."Promise me that you won't lose yourself." She says."Lose myself?""Yeah, lose yourself. Promise me you won't give up on yourself and just live your life like a diagnosis or a medical result. It's not fair to you." She says sadly.

"I wish I could promise that. I want to, but I don't think I can." I say."No. No. Promise me, Katniss. You have to promise me!" She begs."I--""Promise me!" She exclaims, upset."I promise, Prim. I'll try." I say, defeated. She sighs, satisfied."It's going to be hard, but look at yourself. You've made it through so much, it's pointless to just give up on it now." She says."Yeah." I reply blankly.

Prim stands and then helps me up. We walk through the meadow together. "Give yourself some time. Doctor Aurelius said it could go away with time." She says."I guess."

I feel a nagging feeling, like I'm forgetting something. Then it hits me."Prim, when Peeta proposed to me, there was a duck. Was that... Was that you?" I ask shyly.She smiles, content with herself."Yup. I saw the whole thing." She says.

"Oh. I'm glad." I say.

I hold her hand, dreading the moment when we finally have to separate. I hope I stay this way forever, in this beautiful meadow with my beautiful sister. But I feel her hand get lighter, like it's dissolving. "Prim?" I ask, frantically.But she's calm. "It's alright." She says."What's happening?" I ask."It's alright. I just have to go, now.""No! You can't just leave, Prim." I say."I have to." She replies."Please, Prim. Don't leave me." I beg.

She looks at me, giving me a sad smile."I love you. Forever. No matter what. Don't worry about me, okay? I'm all good; safe. I'm always with you, okay? And when it's your time, I'll be waiting here for you." She says."That's...that's what dad said." I say."That's because it's true." She says, smiling.Her hand gets lighter and lighter and I can see her growing transparent. She's disappearing."I love you." I say. Tears form in my eyes again."Don't cry, Katniss. I love you, too. And I'll come to you in dreams more often now, okay? Promise. I love you." She says.

And then that's it. My sister evaporates, gone into thin air. I sink back to my knees, but I don't cry. I force myself not to cry. I won't cry in this beautiful Meadow... I won't cry where my sister told me not to.

--

I wake from my dream to see beams of sunlight streaming through the windows to the bedroom.I roll over to see a peacefully asleep Peeta next to me. I study his face, taking in every little detail. In fact, my staring must wake him up, because his eyes open within minutes."Feeling any better?" He asks."I don't know." I say."Any bad dreams?" He asks, "I know they happen a lot."

I give him a little smile."Oh, no." I say. "Good." He says.Peeta and I stare at each other, laying in bed together."You're so beautiful." He says, "And don't say that you're not. I know you are." "What did I ever do to deserve such a perfect fiancé like you?" I ask."Oh, that's easy." Peeta replies.I raise an eyebrow at him, making him laugh a little."You were yourself. That's how you got me." He says."Oh, and yeah, I am perfect, aren't I?" He says, cockily. I laugh at him.

Sitting up, I look out the window. Pretty soon, Peeta's up and out of bed. He walks to the window, looking outside."It's such a beautiful day." I say."How about we go on that walk now?" He asks. I get up to join him at the window.

"Sounds perfect." I say, planting a kiss on his lips.

**Hey guys, it's aly! So in my A/N I'm going to share with you one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. It literally made me cry when I read it.

It's a piece of text called "Start Here" by Caitlyn Siehl. It just makes me think of broken everlark and hijacked Peeta, and I can't help but share it with you. So I'm going to attach it at the end of this! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please vote, comment, and enjoy! ❤️

Xoxo, Aly.

"Start Here" by Caitlin Siehl-

"Start by pulling him out of the fire andhoping that he will forget the smell.He was supposed to be an angel but they took himfrom that light and turned him into something hungry,something that forgets what his hands are for when theyaren't shaking.He will lose so much, and you will watch it all happenbecause you had him first, and you would let the worldbreak its own neck if it means keeping him.Start by wiping the blood off of his chin andpretending to understand.Repeat to yourself"I won't leave you, I won't leave you"until you fall asleep and dream of the placewhere nothing is red.When is a monster not a monster?Oh, when you love it.Oh, when you used to sing it to sleep.Here are your upturned hands.Give them to him and watch how he prayslike he is learning his first words.Start by pulling him out of another fire,and putting him back together with the piecesyou find on the floor.There is so much to forgive, but you do notknow how to forget.When is a monster not a monster?Oh, when you are the reason it has become so mangled.Here is your humble offering,obliterated and broken in the mouthof this abandoned church.He has come back to stop the worldfrom turning itself inside out, and you love him, you do,so you won't let him.Tell him that you will never know any better.Pretend to understand why that isn't good enough."