Chapter 56

Katniss

"Tired now, feeling scaredUnfamiliar light floods into the roomYou have woken to, hopeful eyes Looking out as you wait aloneHiding tears of doubt." -Birdy

I'm given guidelines. I'm told what to do and what not to do. I sit unhappily in Doctor Aurelius's office, listening to him go on about how he cares so much for my safety and my health. It's not that I doubt it, but that I just don't care so much for mine at the moment. I'm so contradictory. I want to feel better, but I don't care about my health. I should figure that out. Later... I think, pushing it to the back of my mind.

"Miss Everdeen, I believe there are some things you should be aware of. We need a week or two to analyze the data recorded by your testing. You'll be sent home to District 12, where you will stay and await the phone call from us when we've reached a conclusion. While you're there, I've decided upon some things I think you should and shouldn't do. For example, make sure you're eating well, and I know Mr. Mellark over here will hold you accountable for that. I hear you can bake?" Doctor Aurelius says, getting side tracked as usual."Um, yeah. My family used to own a bakery in 12 before... Well, before..." He says, not wanting to finish the thought.

"Ah, yes. I understand completely." Doctor Aurelius says."Anyway," He continues, getting back on the subject, "I've made a list for you, as I believe sitting here and talking it out with you is both a waste of your time and my breath when you can just read it."

I nod as he hands me a list on thick, pristine white papers. Embossed in gold in the hospital's emblem. Doctor Aurelius's signature stands out at the bottom, scrawled quite neatly in black ink."Thank you." I say. Peeta says the same after me. "My pleasure, you two. It's an honor, really, to be your doctor. I take pride in it. There's no need to thank me." Doctor Aurelius replies, trying to be humble.

We're beginning to walk out before he takes my arm and pulls me back towards him. I jump a little, not expecting what happened."Miss Everdeen.... Katniss. I'm very sorry about what we had to do. I know it was very hard on you. Look at that," He says, pointing to my hand, "You're still trembling." And I am, I'll give him that. The nightmares last longer than they really ever have before. "I understand why you had to do it." Is all I say. "Yes, well... We did have to." He says.He pats my hand sympathetically before Peeta and I walk out of his office.

Peeta checks us out at the triage desk, and I practically freeze in my tracks when I remember the 2 block walk to the train station. Hopefully, nobody knows we're here in the Capitol still. Maybe they've all decided we went home unannounced. "You alright?" Peeta asks."Yep." I say, sighing."We'll make it quick. Just try to keep your head down." He says softly, taking my hand. I nod a little.

We walk out the doors to the hospital. So far, nothing spectacular's happening. Some people take second glances at us, but I think we're too far away for anyone to recognize us right now. We're a little over halfway there when somebody accidentally bumps into me. The woman, with bleached blonde and pink-tipped hair and some unnaturally pouty lips, looks up from her coffee, mortified. "Oh my God! I'm so sorry, darling!" She squeaks. She called me darling. Not Katniss. Maybe she doesn't know it's me and Peeta."Oh, it's fine." I say, looking down.

I think we're out of the woods. The woman is just about to walk away when she looks at us again. A look of recognition flashes across her face. "Hey..." She says, "Are you Katniss Everdeen? The Katniss Everdeen?" I must either go totally white or blush extremely.

"You are! And that means that you're Peeta!" She says, pointing a glittery pink-nailed finger at Peeta."Yeah, we are, but please. We're trying to get to the train station quickly. We don't really want anyone to-" Peeta's cut off by her squeals."Hey, AnneMarie, look! It's Katniss and Peeta!" She yells to a friend a couple hundred yards behind her. The woman comes hurrying over on some bright blue heels.

By the time we know it, there are at least 40 people around us. We keep our heads down and walk, hand in hand, clutching onto each other as anchors. We don't answer the questions that photographers throw our way. At least, we try not to. We're bombarded with them."When's the wedding?""Are you pregnant?""Do you want kids?"

They're all quite easy to brush off. And then a man next to me, who's been keeping up with me and Peeta for the past few yards, nails me with a hard one."How's it like, not having your sister?" I whip my head up to see who asked that. I stare him dead in the eyes, tears forming in mine. He looks insistently into mine, as if he believes I might answer him. I just stare into his eyes, mine glazing over with tears. I hope he can see the hurt in them."I don't think that my sister's death is any of your business." I say, trying to be as nice and calm as I can, "So I'd like it if you wouldn't talk about it."

He stops in his tracks after my remarks, and Peeta and I keep walking, leaving him behind us in the persistent crowd of people and fans trailing behind us and around us. Peeta must not have heard what the man asked. I feel my body going numb with grief, but I just keep walking. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

After being thrown question after question, the only things I'll answer to are the occasional kind things. It's usually just a quiet thank you, as I can't take much after what the man said. I can't seem to brush it off, the pain of my sister's death fresh and raw again.One woman tells me I look beautiful and very strong, and although I know it's a lie, I muster up every bit of strength I have to look up at her and give a small smile. "Thank you. I appreciate it." I say, before moving on.

Finally, after our 2 block trek which felt like 20 blocks, we reach the train station. We stand together, trying to ignore the people taking photos and whispering excitedly.We board the train that will take us back to our quiet house in Twelve, and sit in two seats, trying to get away from everyone. It's relatively easy. Not many people are on this train, in fact, the only people in this train section are a family of 5. Seeing that they have 5 young kids, they'll have their hands full.

Hopefully, they won't be paying attention to Peeta and I. I watch intently at the children. I forget that I'm staring. Peeta taps me on the shoulder lightly."You alright?" He asks."Oh.. Uh.. Yeah." I say, still looking at the kids."Are you looking at the kids?" He asks."Yeah. I think they're pretty cute." I reply. I still can't look at Peeta."I know you don't want them..." He says.

I turn to face him."I..." I say."I know. I know you know that I want them. But I'm not going to force it on you." He says."Thank you." I say, quietly.A couple of minutes later, I speak again."I never said that I don't want them. I'm not ready, though. For one thing, I'm only 18. And even then, I'm too scared of myself. Who knows what I could do with a baby inside of me, or even worse, outside of me. I need to be able to trust myself before I would have a baby trusting me with its life." I say, "but you already knew that." "Yeah," he says, "and what else?""What?"

"What else? I can tell you're upset. The way you stare off at things..." He says."Oh. It's, um, it's nothing." I say."It's not 'nothing.'" He replies."It's just some guy. He asked about my sister and how it's like with her being dead. It just... Hurt, I guess." I say, blankly.

"I understand." He says. I want to say that he doesn't understand, but I have to remind myself that he does. He lost his whole family. "Will you... Um," I say, swallowing and feeling my voice waver, "Will you hold my hand?" "Of course." He says quietly. I entwine my fingers in his and put my head on his shoulder. I sigh, thinking of the past that I can't change.

--

Two weeks later, I sit on the couch alone. It's nearly 6:00 pm, the time Doctor Aurelius said he'd call with my results. Peeta's upstairs in the shower, as we thought we'd go for a walk since it's a nice evening.

My heart thumps in my chest wildly as 6:00 approaches. I didn't tell Peeta that I knew when Doctor Aurelius was going to call. He'd want to be with me when I found out. Sometimes you just need to be alone for these things. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down and slow my heart.

I nearly scream when the phone finally rings at 6:01, startling me. I practically run to the phone, but I find myself hesitating to pick it up. It's as if I think it might hurt me when I touch it. On the 5th ring, I take a deep breath and answer it.

"Hello?" I say."Miss Everdeen! Good evening!" Doctor Aurelius says, cheerily. "Hi." I say, quietly."So, as we discussed, we have your results for your tests from 2 weeks ago." He says, more seriously."Okay?" I say. My heart starts to hammer in my chest again. I wouldn't be surprised if Doctor Aurelius could hear it through the phone. He takes a deep breath. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope against hope that he's going to deliver good news. Please no more flashbacks. No more relapses.Please no more.Please.

"Miss Everdeen, we've decided that there isn't anything we can do to cure what you have. We investigated treatment options, and there's not much we can do for that either. The only thing is just to continue your medications and hope for the best. I mean, maybe as you age it could go away, but we just don't know. I'm so sorry. There's nothing we can do." He says regretfully.

"Oh." I say numbly, "Oh." "I'm so sorry, Miss Everdeen. We'll send you a new order of your medication soon. I'll give you... some time. Go tell Peeta." He says."Yeah." I say. I hang up quickly. I have that sinking feeling in my stomach, like the whole world is coming down on me, but I still don't cry. I don't know why I'm not crying.

Peeta comes downstairs. I sit in one on the chairs by the table, face in my hands, elbows on my knees. He walks in slowly. "Are you...? Is everything...?" He starts.I raise my head from my hands and look at him. The tears finally come to my eyes, looking into his. I finally break, seeing him, the one that will never get the life he deserves because he's stuck here with me.

As soon as we make eye contact, I break it, beginning to cry. He comes over to the chair I'm in and crouches down in front of me."It was Doctor Aurelius, wasn't it?" He asks."Yeah." I say, crying.He already understands. He knows the news was bad."He says... He says there's nothing they can do for me." I say. Peeta picks me up from the chair and carries me bridal style up the stairs. I just keep crying. It's all I can do.

He lays me on the bed, under the covers. He walks around to the other side and gets into bed with me. He lays next to me and encloses me in his arms. My tears don't stop. He holds me tight for hours probably. We don't eat. We don't go on that walk. We just lay in bed, Peeta trying to comfort me.

Eventually, the tears lead me to sleep. But even then, the pain doesn't stop.

When does the pain end?