Chapter 58

Katniss

"When you're sure you've had enough of this life, we'll hang on, don't let yourself go." -R.E.M.

"Hey, Peeta?" I say as I come down the stairs."Yeah?" He replies."I think I want to start, um, I think I want to start planning the wedding." I say shyly.He gives me a surprised look, which eventually melts into a little smile."Of course. I'll grab a notebook." He says.I nod.

Once we're outside, we entwine our fingers together and walk slowly. I gaze up at him happily, listening to him go on about the best time of year to have a wedding. "Winter's too cold. I think I'd like an outdoor wedding." I say. So we rule Winter out.I want to rule out Summer too. Summer... just brings up too many painful memories of Reapings and Hunger Games. So I work up the nerve to tell him.

He speaks first, though."I don't want Summer. It just makes me think of the Reaping and the Games." He says.I let out a sigh of relief."That's what I was thinking." I say."Good." He says.

"So, that leaves Spring and Fall." I say, my mind wandering through visions of the ceremony."I know which I'd pick." He says."Me too." I reply.This time, we speak at the same time."Spring." We both say. He laughs a little, but I continue talking."I just want to be married and be yours as soon as possible. I don't think I could wait until fall, honestly." I say.

He looks down at me, smiling."Well then, it looks like it'll have to be soon." He says. I nod.

We reach the meadow as the sun starts to warm our faces. We still need our jackets, but Spring has come early this year. Finally, we can get away from the chill and pain this winter has brought us. Spring; a time of rebirth and starting new. I've never needed it more.

Not many people come to the meadow anymore. Part of it's been turned into a makeshift cemetery for the war victims. Paylor organized it, actually, seeing it fit that the soldiers and everyone who they could possibly find dead was buried at home in their district.

That means Prim is probably buried here. Maybe not all of her, considering the explosion, but I guess her grave must be here. I feel a pang of guilt that I wasn't here when she was buried. I haven't come to visit the cemetery at all. Am I ready?

I ignore the section of the meadow with the big stones marking the end of someone's life. Peeta and I sit in the flowery grass, facing away from the district and, even better, away from the graves. We hold hands and he takes the notebook so he can start to write things down.

"First we need a date." He says, pen poised to write it down."Okay. Well, we said spring, and I think it's March 20th, right?" I ask."Yeah. The 20th." He confirms."Okay. Well, what about May? That gives us almost 2 months." I say. He nods in agreement."Okay... A day," I say, thinking, "How about the 8th?"

Peeta looks up from the notebook at me, laughing a little. "Katniss, the 8th is your birthday." He says. "Oh." I say. I didn't even remember that. "Okay, then the 9th?" I say. "You want it right after your birthday?" He asks."It could be my birthday present." I reply. He thinks it over for a minute before writing it down. May 9th. That's it. That's the day. That's the day I will no longer be cursed with the name Katniss Everdeen. I will finally be Katniss Mellark.

"I know I want it outside. We could have it here, in the meadow." I suggest."Yeah. That sounds good." He replies."Who do we invite?" I ask.He hands me the notebook."Here, make a list." He says.I pick up the pen and start by writing my mother down.

Peeta laughs, "Good start." "Thanks." I say, elbowing him. I write down the next name that comes to my mind. The one who really tried to help me get better when I was in 13. He has to come to my wedding. Under my mother's name is his, written in my neatest handwriting: Finnick.

When Peeta sees, he places a gentle hand on my arm. "Katniss..." He whispers, suggesting something I forgot. He's dead. Finnick's dead. How could I have forgotten?"Oh." I say quietly, crossing off his name. My chest tightens. He won't be coming. "Oh. Right."

Peeta doesn't speak. A silence seems to fall over the meadow.

So I write down Johanna's name. And then Haymitch, then Annie, then Effie. Who else? Peeta takes the Pen and writes down Maya's name. And I decide that we should invite Marina and Pria. I write down Beetee's name in case he wants to come. "Plutarch?" Peeta asks."Oh," I say, "Yeah. Him, too." I write his name down, unsure. I hope him and Effie can keep their mouths shut about the wedding.

"You need a dress." Peeta says. "Where would I even get one?" I ask. Cinna can't make me one. He's dead, too. "I don't know." Peeta says. "I guess I'll have to call Effie." I say. She'll pick one out for me. I don't care much about what I look like for my wedding. I just care about being with Peeta."Sounds like a good idea." Peeta says.

We sit in the morning sunlight together, talking about the little details: the flowers I want around me, the food we want at the small after-party, the dress I'd have Johanna wear as my maid of honor and how Haymitch will both be walking me down the aisle and and standing as Peeta's best man. We both agree that that feels like the best thing we could do.

"And Katniss?" Peeta asks me, "What about Gale?"It's a touchy topic for Peeta to bring up, especially for him. But I don't blame him. It'll need to be addressed sooner or later."I don't know. I know you wouldn't want him there." I say."That's not entirely true. I know it would make you happy, and he doesn't bother me much now that I know you're going to be my wife. I was always just... Worried he'd take you from me. I couldn't-- I wouldn't-- let that happen again." Peeta explains."I feel like it would be weird for Gale to be there, like it would hurt him to see me marrying somebody else. But I'll send an invitation to him just in case he feels like it. I hope he'll come, just as my friend." I say. Peeta nods and writes his name on the list. Yes, this wedding is going to be small. But that's just how Peeta and I want it. Small, romantic, and private. No Capitol camera crews and reporters. No interviews at the wedding.

My stomach grumbles. "Sorry." I say quickly, embarrassed."Hungry?" He asks."A little." I say."Well, we can go back now. I can make us some lunch." He says."No," I interject, "No. I want to go see if Prim... If Prim's grave is here."

He gives a little nod and takes my hand. We turn towards the wild-flowered cemetery and walk slowly. We don't talk for a bit."Katniss, it might not be there. I mean, I just want you to be ready if it's not." He says."Yeah, I get it." I say simply.

When we reach the first gravestone, we unclasp our hands. We decide to separate so we can cover the amount of ground there is as quickly and as efficiently as we can. Part of me hopes that Peeta will not be the one to find Prim's stone, if it's even here. I feel like this should be for me. This should be my opportunity. And mine alone.

Something leads me to the left. Peeta sees me start that way, so he goes to the right. I walk through the rows of graves. The amount of unnamed graves sends shivers down my spine. What if Prim's is unnamed? What if nobody claimed the body? What if nobody knew it was her? I feel an instant ache in my chest. I walk through row after row of gravestones, reading their names silently in my head, aware that it's my fault they're dead. Grace Kent. Samuel Markey. Susan Beres. Blaire Zachary. Thomas Blake. Arroyo Murphy.

And then I'm on my knees next to a grave marked "Autumn Aubrey Howard, James William Howard, and Marleigh Rose Howard, all aged 6 years and 4 months. You were a blessing. Mommy loves you three." But it's not the grave of 3 innocent triplets I'm looking at. It's the grave marked "Primrose Everdeen, aged 13 years and 10 months." I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I'm kneeling on my sister's grave. I run my hands through the grass that's grown over the dirt burying her. I feel... Numb, almost. I don't cry. My chest tightens and all I can do is think of my sister's smile, her laugh, the way she used to shriek when I'd play chase with her as a little girl. Memory after memory plays back in my head.

I can feel Peeta looking at me from a distance, just watching how I kneel at the grave of Prim. I crumple in on myself, the grief becoming all too real. I keep running my hands through the grass, somehow hoping that it'll bring her back to me. I put my hands on the large, smooth gray stone marking her death. I feel a soft hand on my back. Peeta's finally come over to me.

"You found her." He states quietly.He helps me up and somehow gets me to calm down. "Hey," he says smoothly, "Why don't you pick some flowers to put by her stone?" I nod a little, sniffling.

I take a deep breath and begin searching for only the most perfect flowers. Ten minutes later, a huge bouquet of wildflowers lay right in front of her stone. Flowers of pink and blue and yellow and pastel purple and white and soft orange all bunched together, tied with a ribbon Peeta somehow finds in the notebook.

We walk quietly back to the houses I feel a bit better.

--

It's early evening when there's a knock at the door. I rise from where I sat with Peeta at the dinner table.

I open the door cautiously, revealing a troubled-looking Johanna. She has a bag with her, but only one. "Johanna? What are you--?" "I had to get out of there. I couldn't stay in my house anymore. It's too quiet, too dark, too... alone." She says quickly, letting herself in.She puts her bag on the floor.

"Whoa, Johanna, wait. What's going on?" I say. I see her face in the light of my house. It's puffy with crying and the dark circles under her eyes from her restlessness are prominent. "I couldn't stay in my house anymore. I had nobody. I was having worse and worse nightmares... And Katniss, you know what it's like!" She says, her voice loud but wavering.

Peeta gets up from the table and comes over to us. I do the only thing I can think to do. I pull her into a hug. "It's alright. You can stay here for a while with us." I say."Thank you." She whispers sadly into my ear.

I lead her to the dinner table where Peeta sets out another plate of food for her. She accepts it gratefully.We eat in silence, nobody knowing quite what to say to each other.

When dinner's finished, Peeta clears the table while I take Johanna upstairs."This looks just like my house. Except... warmer. Like there's life here." She states as we walk upstairs. I just nod. Any real conversation would be painful and loaded, and I haven't prepared myself for that yet. It'll come later.

I start the shower for her and leave her to it. She comes out a half hour later, dressed in one of the few outfits she brought with her. Glancing at the clock and then at Johanna, I notice that she should sleep. I take her to one of the 3 spare bedrooms in the house, the one closest to mine and Peeta's. "Here," I say, motioning her to the bed, "I know you're tired. You can sleep, now. If you need anything, Peeta and I are downstairs. You're safe here."

Johanna nods. I walk out of the room and head back downstairs to Peeta.

It almost feels good to comfort someone else. I'm glad it's not me who needs the comforting at the moment. I'm glad I can provide what so many have provided to me to someone else.