This Love You Have For Me Will Pass

I bit into the rim of the plastic red cup again. This time it cracked in my mouth. "Shit!" I whispered to myself as I felt a drop of liquid find freedom down the side of the crack on drop onto the skin of my chin. I hurried over to the drinks table to get a new cup.

"Everything OK?" Pedro was at my side and watching me decanter my drink into the new holder. He wore a navy T-shirt that clung to his body in a way I envied. I wanted to be that shirt and spend the rest of my days pressed against his body. Pedro, being Pedro, had wore a silver party hat all night that kept slipping down his recently trimmed curls and would end up at the front of his head. He kept referring to himself as the 'Party Unicorn' whenever it happened.

"Yeah, I just cracked my cup."

"Are you having a good night?" He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him with one hand and readjusted his hat with the other. His lips found the sweet spot at my temple and kissed it tenderly.

"Yeah it's been so lovely." I smiled at him. It had been. We were at Sarah's New Year's Eve party. She had been nothing but caring to me. She had made me multiple mojitos all night and complimented me way too many times that I felt like I'd been dreaming. I'd spent a lot of years marvelling in this woman's talent in many things I'd watched. Yet here she was, telling me that she loved my black off the shoulder top, black jeans and silver heels.

"Thank you for coming with me."

"You spent Christmas with my loved ones, Pedro. I wouldn't have missed this for you for the world." I just want to be wherever you are, whilst our days are numbered.

"I'm so excited to see what this next year has in store for us." His voice was light and hopeful. I wanted to scream. I couldn't be around him.

"Could you just hold my drink whilst I go to the bathroom, please?"

"Of course. Hurry up though, it's not long till midnight and I want you to be my midnight kiss. You know, I've never had one. Now I get them with you forever." I almost pushed the drink into him as I ran to the toilet. I felt the hot tears streaming down my face as I tried my best not to ruin my make up. As quickly as they fell, I used a square of toilet paper to collect them, wanting to leave no tear stained evidence of my cries. I knew I needed to tell him, but I couldn't do it tonight. Could I ever do it? Watching the heartbreak I was going to inflict on that man would leave me emotionally traumatised forever, I was sure.

"3...2...1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The room erupted in unison. Couples and pairs grabbed each other and kissed their way into the new year with their loved ones.

"Happy New Year, my gorgeous girl. I love you." He kissed me tenderly as he cupped my chin. His thumb stroked my skin as he kissed me sweetly. "Thank you for making this the best year of my life. I'm so lucky."

"I love you so much, Pedro. So much. I hope you know that." I hope you never forget that. I hope you never forget me.

"I know you do, I feel it. I'm so lucky. I hope I can make you feel as good as you make me." He kissed me again and grinned at me with his best, heartfelt smile. In those moments, it was impossible to feel anything but pure joy and love for that man. "Shall we dance?" He asked as Prince's '1999' came on. He later told me, as he spun me around in his arms, that he would listen to 1999 every New Year's Eve and it had sort of become a tradition for him now. I made a mental note to never listen to 1999 again.

"Gorgeous!" I giggled as I snapped the picture of the two cute men in front of me, who were sharing an embrace at 01:32am. I instantly uploaded it to my Instagram story:

"Another beer Oscar?" Pedro asked as he peeled himself away from his boyfriend. The Party Unicorn needed another cold beer.

"Sure." Oscar replied as he readjusted himself on his seat, now being free from his 48 year old baby girl boyfriend.

"Eleanor?"

"Please. Thanks Pedro." If I drank, it numbed the pain. So I kept drinking. Yet; surprisingly, I didn't feel drunk. Not even remotely. I watched him smile at me and slip away from us.

"He's like a different man, Eleanor. You're so good for him." Oscar's comment caught me by surprise.

"Thanks Oscar." I was convinced the universe could sense I was an awful human and was punishing me by making the people around us remind me how wonderful Pedro was and how horrible I was being to leave him. "He's the best thing that has ever happened to me." I wasn't lying.

"You're the best thing to happen to him. I've never seen him this happy. And he's always been a ray of fucking sunshine. So thank you." Fuck. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"Here you go." Pedro returned, holding three bottles of beer by their necks precariously. The first was handed to me then to Oscar. We thanked him in unison. Pedro took a swig of his beer and grinned at me. "Look at her Oscar. Isn't she just so fucking perfect?" I wanted to blame the alcohol for his infatuation with me, but I knew this man. He would make comments like this to me all the time. He loved me so much.

"She is. You did it man. You lucky, lucky bastard." I felt my cheeks blush at their compliments.

"Stop, I don't know how to take compliments." I hid my face with my hair as I looked at my feet. I felt his arm around my shoulders before I saw his feet stand next to mine.

"I can't help it, look at you. It's hard not to look at you and be completely smitten and in love with you." I managed to drag my eyes from my feet and looked up at Oscar. Who was smiling at his best friend. Even Oscar was taken back by how Pedro was. How happy I made Pedro. It brought him joy to see him happy. I felt that. "I'm gonna marry her one day, Oscar." Ouch. That was the moment my heart stopped. My finger tips went cold. My body tensed. I felt all the air whoosh from my lungs. What the fuck was I doing? I squeezed him hard. I'm so sorry, Pedro.

I was sat watching Pedro and his friends interact. The way he would talk with his hands. How expressive his face was whenever he told a story. That man oozed charm and charisma. He was perfection. And you're leaving him behind, why? He often looked up at me, mouthing 'you good?' Or 'love you' wanting to reassure me, wanting to check in. He could tell I'd been different tonight. My phone vibrated in my hand. A text from Olivia.

Olivia: I didn't work out the time difference correctly so I'm so sorry I didn't text you at midnight! 😭

Olivia: happy new year, my honey! I love you so much ♥️♥️♥️

Olivia: i miss you so much. Wish you were here. 💔

My heart sank. I couldn't do this. I felt like I was in purgatory. I was tired of mentally battling with myself every day trying to figure out which country I belonged. At one point, two nights ago, I toyed with the idea of not settling down in England or L.A and finding somewhere new and being without anyone because the pain of missing someone, wherever I chose, was too much.

"You're quiet." Pedro sat next to me and put his hand on my knee. The room was slightly quieter now, some people were calling it a night. I hoped we were going to call it a night soon. The thought of sleep was the only thing appealing to me. I wanted to crawl into bed and curl myself into a pitiful ball and brawl myself to sleep.

"Just taking it all in. It's the first New Year I've been away from home." I swallowed hard, trying not to cry. I couldn't help but think about how everyone I loved would be together, celebrating. How this was Theo's first New Year's and I wasn't there to see him. Which was stupid as he was a baby who didn't have a clue what was happening and he'd be asleep right now. But it mattered to me.

"Missing home?" Pedro's voice was gentle and calm as he asked. His eyes wide, recalling how I'd been last time I came back from home and how much I missed everyone. I knew he was worried I would spiral again.

"So much."

"I'm sorry." He gave me a soft smile. His face light up but I could read the little signals. The hard swallow. The bouncing twitch in his leg. The way he bit the inside of his mouth. He was nervous.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm happy to be here with you."

"Happy New Year, baby. I promise next year will be the best. I'll make sure of it." There it was again. Another rush of pain.

***************************************

"I know I keep repeating myself but are you sure you're OK? There's nothing else wrong apart from you missing home?" Pedro asked as we entered his apartment. He locked the door placed his keys down on the side. I felt cold. Not because of the LA chill, but because I was about to have a conversation with him I never wanted. I felt sick.

"I'm going to move back home." I breathed out, not wanting to look at him and keeping my back to him. I could feel my body start to shake.

"What?"

"I need to be home. I can't do this. I thought I could but I couldn't." I heard his footsteps as he approached me. Please don't touch me.

"You're going home? When? How long for?" There was a shiver in his voice as he tried to understand whether my outburst referred to me taking a trip home or moving permanently.

"Permanently." I built up the courage to look at him. His eyes were large and wild. "I need to move back home. I need to be with my family. I need to see Theo grow up. I just, I can't be here anymore."

"But what? Ok, right. I, I, I get it. You're missing home. I get it. Sure. But permanently?" He nervously started scratching at his head, which made his waves wispy and beautiful.

"Yeah."

"Can't you just book some time off work?"

"I don't have any left. I booked a meeting with my manager next week to talk with them and let them know."

"You made the decision over a week ago and you're only just telling me?" Gone had his soft and tender voice, replaced with a bitter demeanour. His tone was ice cold. His body tense. He was angry. Real fucking angry. "Eleanor!"

"Sorry."

"You're fucking sorry? Really? That's, that's all you have to say?" He scoffed as he threw his hands in the air. "So what? If we didn't go to Sarah's tonight, when, when would you have told me?"

"I don't know-"

"You don't know? Jesus Eleanor. When? When you were packing up? When you got back home? Fuck sake Eleanor!"

"Stop shouting at me."

"I'm not shouting!" He shouted at me. He quickly realised how loud he was being and adjusted, "Sorry. I'm just sad. And scared."

"Me too. I'm sorry. I didn't want this to happen. I just can't cope with this pain and sadness of not being at home. I miss them so much."

"I get it. I really do. Fuck. I guess I should have seen this coming. Fuck. I knew it. I knew you were only here for a year. I should have realised you'd have to make this call. Fuck!" He screamed out. "I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. This is why I didn't do this. This is why I didn't want anyone, cos this fucking hurts."

"Pedro, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you." I took a step closer to him. But he stepped back from me. Watching him keep his distance from me caused a sharp pain to flash through my body.

"No Eleanor, I need to, I can't right now." He sighed and turned his back on me. I could see him lift his hand to his face and pictured him pinching his nose. "But, but you still want me, right?"

"Yeah I want you."

"Thank god!" He turned to face me and I saw a little bit of hope glimmering in his eyes.

"But Pedro..."

"No Eleanor. No buts. No." He marched up to me and grabbed my shoulders. "No."

"How could this work for us?"

"We'll make it work." He shook me. As if he was trying to make me realise his words.

"How? It's hard to have a relationship with someone who's across the world."

"People do it all the time. Long distance works for so many people."

"But-"

"And and what about when I'm away with work? We've made it work. When, when you don't see me for weeks at a time. And you can come visit. And I'll come visit you. And, and, and we can align work so we can go away." As he stuttered over his words, I felt his grip on my shoulders tighten. I wanted to tell him he was hurting me, but his physical pain was nothing compared to what was brewing in my chest.

"It's not that easy Pedro. We won't have the time after work like we usually do. Or the knowing we're only 10 minutes from each other if we need to see each other."

"Eleanor don't do this. Don't fucking do this. Please. Please, Eleanor." He shook me harder. I let him. I wanted him to shake me so hard I'd pass out and not have to witness what I was doing to him.

"I don't want to, Pedro. I don't want to lose you. I love you so much. But I can't ask you to love me from across the world. I can't give you the relationship you deserve if I'm in England."

"You can. You can, Eleanor. Don't tell me what I deserve. Don't tell me you can't love me from across the world. Because I'll love you, no matter where I am. Please." He shook me so hard my teeth chattered together. Tears had built up in his eyes and I couldn't handle knowing I was causing them.

"I'm so sorry." I couldn't see Pedro from the tears that burnt in own my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. I allowed myself to be consumed by the pain of this conversation as I violently sobbed.

"Come here." His arms were around me, gripping me to him tighter than he ever had. "I can't believe this. I can't believe this is it."

"Me either. I love you so much. I'm gonna miss you so so much. More than you'll ever know. I don't know how I'm gonna function."

"Please stop talking. I can't hear it. Fuck!" He brought his hand up to his face as he wiped away his tears flooded cheeks. I pulled back in his arms in time to see him wipe his tears with the back of his hand. "Fuck. I can't believe how much this fucking hurts."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you."

"I can't even fucking hate you. I understand why you have to do this. Fuck. This is exactly why I didn't want to get involved with anyone. I'm losing you."

"You're not losing me. You'll never lose me. If you still want to be friends, we can."

"I can't ever be just friends with you, Eleanor. I can't be happy when I'm not the one you love. I can't even fake being happy for you when you're home and you're loving someone that isn't me."

"I'm not gonna love anyone-"

"But you will one day. Cos you'll leave. And this love you have for me will pass. And you'll love someone else and they'll get you. And you'll love them the way you loved me and I can't bear the thought of someone else getting you."

"I won't."

"You fucking will!" He pushed me away violently as he paced the room and let out a growl. "FUCK!" He threw his body onto the sofa and leant his head against the back of the chair as he sobbed. This fucking hurts.

"Pedro, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." I rushed over to him and grabbed him in my arms. He threw his head against my chest and sobbed. His arms gripped onto mine and held onto me tighter than he ever had. I was so sure they'd leave Pedro shaped marks.

"Promise me?" He begged.

"Promise you what?" He looked up at me with pleading eyes. The whites of his eyes were red. His lip wobbled. I could see the pain I'd caused him etched over every inch of his beautiful face.

"Don't love anyone else."

"I won't. How could I? No one will ever be as good as you. You've set the bar too high. No one else would ever compare."

"I won't move on. I won't love anyone else ever. I was only built to love you. I promise." I pushed my face closer to his. Searching. Silently asking for permission to kiss him. He gently nodded his head and kissed me. The pain was there. Embedded in every movement of our crashing lips.

"My Pedro."

"Your Pedro. Always, your Pedro."

***********************************************

8th January. A whole week into the new year. I hated myself for the horrendous start to the year, that I had caused. I hadn't seen Pedro all week. The night I told him I was leaving, we went to bed together and I held him in my arms as he cried himself to sleep. It was one of the worst moments of my life. The next morning, he had left the apartment before I had chance to speak to him. He had text me saying he had to leave and didn't know what time he would be back. He had nothing work related on, so I knew he was just trying to avoid me. So I picked up my things and left. I'd tried to text him but every time I did, he was cold and distant. I wanted to hate him for the way he was treating me. But I hated myself more for being the reason he was behaving so hostile. All week, he would be cold when I tried to message him. By Thursday, I gave up trying. In the last 3 days, I had 10 messages from him collectively.

I was lying on the sofa reading a book with teary eyes. The TV was on, but only for background noise to stop me thinking. Which didn't work because every time I tried to concentrate on my book, my mind would twist the text to something Pedro related and I'd start to cry again. I'd gone a week without food. I barely drank anything and if I did, it was water which I later threw up. I constantly felt tired, but I'd been inducing sleep to avoid the pain. The door knocking got my attention. I wanted to believe it was Pedro but he wouldn't speak to me. I thought it might be Josh, checking in. Or maybe it was Matt? Maybe Josh had told him about me leaving work and he wanted to come see me. I thought about ignoring whoever it was because I didn't want to speak or see anyone. But the knocking was ruthless. As if they knew I was home. Which made me think it was Pedro because he had a sixth sense whenever it came to me. The thought of him made me magnetically get up and head towards the door. Like I was being drawn to it. I didn't check the peep hole when I slowly pulled the door open.

"Hey." Pedro stood in the hallway, looking at me with bloodshot eyes. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." I side stepped to let him in. I wanted to jump him. I wanted to curl my body against his and just have him hold me forever. I questioned whether I should even go back to England, because it hurt too much to think about not seeing him again. But the fact he'd gone a week without seeing me made me feel like he didn't care as much as I cared for him. I closed the door behind him but kept my distance. The air between us was tense.

"You OK?" He asked as he turned to face me. His eyes were puffy and tired. His body slumped as he pushed his hands in his pockets.

"Not really. Are you?"

"I feel fucking awful." Same. "I'm sorry for avoiding you all week." He paused to wait for me to respond. But I didn't say anything. Because I wanted him to be sorry for hurting me. What about you? Aren't you sorry for hurting him? "I just, every time I clicked on your name, I'd see your picture. And it hurt even more every single time. So I just thought if I didn't speak to you, we'd get used to not speaking to each other and it wouldn't be so hard when you left."

"I see where you're coming from." I bit the inside of my lip to hold back the tears. It was gut wrenching to hear that he didn't want to speak to me. But it hurt more knowing I was the one causing this pain. "I'm sorry Pedro."

"You don't have to be sorry. I understand. I really do. It's fucking hard to be away from family. I miss mine all the time. And I know you love being around them. I would never make you stay here just for me."

"I'd do anything for you, Pedro. Anything. It's just, right now, I think I need to be home for a little bit. At least whilst Theo is growing up. I just don't feel ready to make the commitment to stay here. That's all it is. You were, are, the best thing about L.A. And I'm gonna miss you so much it makes me physically ill to think about."

"All my life,  I've believed that what I had, my friends, my family, was all I was going to have. I've watched my friends fall in love, get married, have children and just knew that wasn't for me. And I was OK with that. I was content. That's exactly what I was. I was content. But then you came along didn't you. And you turned my life around. And it was the scariest time of my life. Because I just knew I was supposed to love you and I was so scared of that." I felt the lump rise in my throat. "Because I knew how much love could hurt. But I was willing to let you hurt me if it meant I could be loved by you, and love you." The tears burned down my cheeks as I listened to his voice crack. "You will always be the only girl I could ever love like this, Eleanor. There will never be anyone else. And I'm so grateful. Thank you for loving me the way you did."

"The only reason I'm ending this is because I can't ask you to wait around for me. I can't ask you to love me from across the world and be OK to see me for a handful of weeks a year. You deserve more than that. You deserve to be loved daily. Physically. You deserve the belly laughter and for someone to cook your favourite meal after a long day and for someone to take you on dates and rub your hair when you watch a film. You deserve affection. And I can't give you that if I'm half way across the world. But I promise no one else would love you as much as I could."

"I get it, baby. I understand. It just fucking hurts. I just wish we could try." Why couldn't we try? It was the least I could do.

"Maybe we can." I spoke before I had even finished internally battling with myself.

"What do you mean?" Pedro shuffled on the spot as his body naturally reacted to my words.

"I mean, maybe we don't have to split up. If you still wanna be with me, I still wanna be with you, maybe we can try the long distance thing?"

"You're willing to try?"

"I don't want to lose you, Pedro. I know it won't be the same. And it'll hurt to know I can't be with you physically, as much as I want to. But we'll try and make it work. Because every time I think about not having you, it fucking hurts."

"Thank you." He rushed over to me and scooped me up in his arms. Only when he was physically touching me did all the emotions from the past week release and I sobbed into his chest. "God this is so fucking shitty." He whispered into my hair as he combed my head over and over, trying to console me.

"I know. I'm sorry I'm leaving."

"Don't be. I understand. I really do. Why did I have to fall for an English girl?" He joked as he cupped my face in his hands and stared at me. "The most beautiful English girl." He kissed me sweet and tenderly. I felt a shift in us. Slightly more positive. But I couldn't help but think this was the calm before the storm.

**************************************

"Here you go, my lady." Pedro pulled up outside my work. I was going to drive in myself but Pedro was meeting some friend locally and said he'd drop me off and pick me up later. He'd been a lot more upbeat over the weekend. I put that down to me agreeing not to end things and trying to make a long distance relationship work. During the weekend, I had also felt better. I kept toying with the ideas of a long distance relationship and wondering if I could actually give him that. But being around Pedro, experiencing Pedro in a way only I, and no other woman, had, I knew I would do anything to make it work with him. "Text me later and I'll come pick you up. Let me know what you want for dinner and I'll sort."

"You are the best." I grinned at him as I unclasped my belt.

"Good luck with your meeting." He leant forward and poured his irresistible lips for a kiss. I magnetically found myself pulling towards him and pushing my pout against his. His sweet lips made the butterflies in my stomach dance. "Oh and Eleanor?" He called my name as I was about to leave the car.

"Yeah?"

"You look so hot today." He complimented my tight black top and trousers outfit.  "Your boobs and ass look amazing." He winked. I rolled my eyes but smirked at his cheekiness.

"Loveeeeee you." I told him as I shut the door behind me.

It was Monday morning and the day of my meeting with work. The meeting was at 10am. The hours from 9am to 10am went painfully slow. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and had spent the first hour of my working day sorting out my desktop folders as to look productive but not actually use my mind to think. I didn't have the capacity.

"Eleanor, you ready?" I was too focused on clicking and dragging that I hadn't noticed the time. 10:05am. Great start to the meeting, Eleanor. I nodded my head and followed Josh into the boardroom. He gestured for me to sit opposite him. "I think I know what this is about."

"Moving home?" I just wanted to get this meeting over and done with.

"Yeah, just what I thought." He nodded his head. "We had hoped you'd enjoyed your time here and would want to stay in L.A. Everyone here thinks so much of you, I think it's quite evident that you're an integral part of the team. You are amazing at what you do. The staff and clients all talk so highly of you. That being said, this contract was for a year, so we knew this time would come. So, we had a chat. We wanted to terminate this contract with you and offer you a permanent position with us. But I have a feeling you're going home?"

"I've really loved my time here. And I love this team. You guys are such an incredible team to work for. But I miss home so much. It's going to be so sad for me to leave."

"I don't know how you'll feel about this. But I had a chat with Head Office and your office back home. I told them about how great you are. And they talked so highly of you too. Head Office don't usually do this, but you've proven yourself multiple times, both here and in England. And they wanted to offer you a hybrid role. With a promotion. So you'd go from an associate to partner and oversee all jobs of the associates. With this role, it would allow you to be flexible with where you work, but within reason. You would have to choose either office to be your main team, and that's where you'd spend 80% of your time. Bi yearly, you would have to spend the month at the other office. For instance, if you chose England to be your Head Office, you would have to spend two months a year here. Now with that decision, we would have to have you find your own place to stay for those two months, as I'm sure you'll understand that renting an apartment here for two months isn't doable and not cost effective for us to have a rented apartment going to waste. We did talk to the agents about renewing the contract on your current place but they've already got someone else lined up to move in. So you would need to find somewhere to live yourself. All flights for your bi-yearly visits would be covered by the company."

"Oh my god, that's just - I didn't think I'd be having this conversation. That's such an amazing opportunity." My mind couldn't comprehend the offer I'd just received.

"Now, I know you have your heart set on going home. And we understand that being home is important to you. We know that whatever decision you make, you need time to set-up your life. So we're going to give you to the new financial year to make that decision. If you agreed to this contract, it will start on April 1st. We know this a big decision for you to make. Therefore, we ask that you work with our team till the end of January and throughout February, you spend the month with your team at home. This will hopefully help you to make your decision. Like I said, Head Office doesn't usually make these offers, but both our team and England don't want to lose you."

"I really don't know what to say. This is so so kind of you. And I'm so grateful. Really. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Eleanor. I know this won't be an easy decision for you to make so if there's anything we can do to support, we'll be happy to help."

"Thank you Josh. Really. Thank you." I found myself repeating words because I couldn't quite believe what I was offered.

"I'll draft up our conversation in an email for you. I know it's a lot to take in right now. But honestly, whatever you choose to do, we'll be lucky to retain you."

I thanked him again and scurried out the room. At my desk, I picked up my phone and text Olivia and Pedro.

Me: Liv, I've just got my dates of when I'll be home 😭

Me: meeting went well. Shall we get pizza for dinner? My treat, Pedro. Xx

After lunch, Olivia had sent me a voice note about how excited she was to have me home soon. I told her I'd call her later and explain all the details. I had called Pedro and told him about the offer and he was so happy for us. He talked about how well that would work out for us and our relationship, and that having two months in L.A on top of annual leave would mean we could still see each other a lot and use my annual leave to take holidays together. Having that conversation with him made me feel loads better about going home. Because I would have almost 3 months a year with him. But when I realised I'd have to be without him for 9, the pain hit again. I had just clicked sent on an email when my phone buzzed on the table.

Unknown number: Hey Eleanor, it's Lauren from MGT Management. I was wondering if you'd like to go for dinner this week? Really eager to meet with you. Hope to see you soon x

How the hell did she get my number?

Me: hey Lauren, I hope you're well? Yes sure, I can do tomorrow night? X

I locked my phone and tried not to think about meeting with her. I appreciated her offer, but I certainty was not model material. What kind of things would I even be able to model? Everything would look ridiculous on me and I didn't have the face to be able to distract anyone from an outfit. My phone buzzed on the table and I let my anxiety pick it up straight away.

Pedro: pizza on ME! My treat. Proud of you x

Me: the woman from the modelling agency text me. Not sure how she got my number but wants to meet for a chat.

Pedro: Do it, please! Just try it, see how you feel. If you don't like it, you never have to do it again! X

Me: I've told her I'll go for dinner with her tomorrow night x

Pedro: that's my girl - Eleanor is taking over the world! Xxxxxx

I smiled like an idiot at my phone. I locked it and placed it face down on the desk. I needed to actually do some work today.

*******************************************

"Ok last question. Pick a house." I angled my phone for Pedro to get a better look at the screen.

"I don't see how me choosing between four pictures of houses determines who my celebrity crush is? I don't have one!" Pedro's head was resting on the knuckles of his left hand whilst his right hand held me. He was sat on the sofa. I was lying down with my head on his lap.

"Stop being a spoilsport and just choose a house."

"Bottom left." I clicked on the image he'd chosen.

"Your celebrity crush is.... Sophie Turner!"

"No it's not. She's my friend, that's just weird."

"You're friends with Sophie Turner?" I asked as I shifted my head to get a better look at him.

"Yeah. We did Game of Thrones together. Which obviously you still haven't watched. Cos you never watch anything I'm in." He teased.

"Game of Thrones is long and I don't have the mental capacity for it. I started to watch Narcos but that's long too. You look so good in that though."

"Trying to sweeten me up now?"

"Nope. Not at all. Maybe you should get with Sophie. I'm sure she'll watch everything you're in."

"I don't wanna get with Sophie." He knew I was joking but he was too tired to play along with me.

"Well, she's your celebrity crush so obviously you like her more than me."

"Enough, Eleanor." His tone was sharper than what I expected, which caused me to almost snap my neck when I looked at him. He was staring straight ahead at the TV. He noticed me looking at him and said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I'm just tired. And I don't want you to think I fancy her. Cos I don't. I remember when you thought I fancied Jennifer Aniston and got in your head about it."

"Hmm OK." I turned back to my screen and adjusted my head so I wasn't on his lap anymore. I knew he didn't mean to snap but he'd annoyed me.

"Now you're in a mood." He commented as he tried to reach for my head and place it back on his lap but I moved from his grip.

"I'm fine." I said as I sat up and moved to the other side of the sofa.

"Yeah looks like you're fine. You're being childish now." He shrugged as he crossed his arms. I really wanted to bite back and cause an argument, but for once, I took the moral high ground and kept my lips sealed. I was scrolling through Instagram when Lauren from the modelling agency text me.

Lauren MGT Management: Hey Eleanor. So good to have you in last week. What did I tell you? You're a natural. The photos are stunning. I've attached the file - have a look and let me know what you think. If you like them, feel free to upload to your socials. The more exposure, the better! Don't deprive the world of your gorgeous beauty. As discussed last week, with your permission, I'm going to start sending your headshots out. I think you're gonna get a lot of work. Fabulous job! Mwah xxx

I instantly clicked onto the file, wanting to see the shots they'd gotten. To my surprise, they wasn't as bad as I thought they were gonna be. Some were actually pretty nice. There was one in particular I really liked; me, shirtless and braless, with my jeans unbuttoned and the waistband of some boxers on show. It was almost sideways on. My arm covered my exposed boobs and my hair was curly and swept over my shoulder. It made me feel awkward to like a picture of myself so much. I'd never been one to be in front of the camera, always behind it capturing what I loved. I felt arrogant to like me in a photo but tried to push through the guilt. I selected my favourites and uploaded them to Instagram. Once the post had uploaded, I got up from the sofa.

"I'm going to get ready for bed." I told Pedro as I watched him look at his phone when it buzzed next to him. I'd made it to the bedroom when Pedro caught up with me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I heard his voice from behind me. Knowing how snappy he'd been earlier, I couldn't work out if he was happy or annoyed of the photos I'd uploaded. I turned around, trying to use my ability to read him like a book whenever I saw him, but he gave nothing away. You're plastered half naked on the internet, of course he's annoyed.

"What?"

"What? You know what." His voice was low and all one tone. I still struggled to figure him out. He leant against the door frame with his arms crossed, just staring at me. His phone was in his hand.

"What?" I asked again, hoping he'd give me more to work with. I watched him turn his phone around and show me the Instagram post I'd just uploaded. "Are you mad at me?"

"Mad at you? For what?" He asked as he stalked across the room to me. He threw his arm over my shoulder and brought his screen up for us both to view. "How could I ever be mad at this woman? Look at her!" His eyes glistened as he stared at the screen, as he stared at me. "Did you think I'd be mad at you for uploading a topless pic? Is that why you asked?"

"Yeah. And you've been a bit moody tonight so I just thought you'd be mad at me for it. I can take it down if you'd like. Lauren asked me-" I was cut off by Pedro slamming his lips onto mine. All the air from my lungs evaporated as he kissed me passionately. "Sorry for being moody. I'm fine. I'm great." I knew he was referring to the pictures. "Will you send them to me?"

"Why?" I asked as I scraped my hair back into a ponytail.

"Because I really like them and want them on my phone." I saw him tap away at his screen and knew he'd just commented on my post.

"I'll send them you after I've washed my face." I told him as I took my phone into the bathroom. After I washed my face, I opened Instagram and was blown away by the amount of likes and comments I'd received. My phone would usually blow up whenever I posted about Pedro. But whenever I'd post about myself, the interactions wasn't as popular, understandably. But those professional shots had gone crazy! Pedro, being certified, would instantly go to the top of my comments whenever he replied to a post so it was easy to see his comments.

@pascalispunk: I have no words. 😍🥵🧎🏻

I noticed he'd posted to his story and knew it would be him sharing my photos. Lo and behold, there I was. With the caption,

'It's Eleanor's world and we're all just living in it. #Precioso'

When I'd finished my skincare, I walked back into the bedroom and saw him sat on the bed looking at his phone.

"What you doing?" I asked, even though I already knew. I applied my lip balm to lips and crawled onto the bed next to him.

"Can't stop staring." He flashed me his phone and showed me the topless shot I'd uploaded. "I'm gonna jerk off to these pictures. You can either help me out or go to sleep." He kissed me, light and warm. His gentle touch but fiery words lit a flame in me.

"How about I give you a blow job instead?" I smirked as I saw his face lit up.

"I am the luckiest man alive. Bring those lips over here baby." Pedro winked at me before he grabbed my head.

*******************************************I had 4 days until I left for England. The thought of being miles away from Pedro and leaving him here made me feel so nauseous. I was sat on the floor of the living room watching him bubble wrap items and put them into different boxes scattered around the room. Music filled the air around us, but it felt deafening quiet. He kept grinning at me with a fake smile. He was trying his best to convince me he was OK. But I knew he was hurting. I felt it. I saw it. It was raw.

"This one is almost full so I'll take that with me." I watched him sellotape the box closed. Pedro, bless his heart, had agreed to let me keep some boxes at his place whilst I started moving things back home.

"Thank you." I smiled at him as I felt tears start to pool in my eyes. Pedro was too occupied in wrapping my possessions up that he didn't notice my silent sobs. "Pedro?" The croak in my voice made his ears perk up.

"Yeah?" He was over to me in a heartbeat.

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"What do you mean?" He asked as he rubbed at my shoulders.

"Leaving you. Going back home. Am I doing the right thing?"

"Baby, I've seen how upset you are every time you come back here after you've been home. Whilst I want you here with me, I get why you're doing this. It's gonna fucking suck not being able to see you as often, but I'll do whatever I can to spend time with you. I'll come visit you as often as I can."

"Thank you for understanding. I just, I feel so shit. I don't want to leave you. I feel like I'm going to get home and regret this decision."

"Well, if you get home and you decide that you're missing me too much," He stopped mid sentence to wink at me, "then I'll be waiting here for you. But don't think about it. Just go home and see how you feel. And if you need to stay, we'll make it work." I didn't respond. I just hugged him closer and let him squeeze me back. We hugged our way through Maria by Blonde when James Morrisons I Won't Let You Go came on. I had flashbacks from a few months ago; when I'd come home from my birthday week at home and Pedro danced me around the house to it. I wished I could go back to that moment and undo all this hurt. Without thinking, Pedro and I linked hands as he swayed us in small circles. The words hit a little different tonight. No words were verbally exchanged between me and Pedro, but the message was loud and clear. It didn't feel like a 'see you later'. This felt like a goodbye.

*****************************************

"Hey." Pedro breathed out as I opened the door. A flood of mixed emotions ran through my body. He looked equally as nervous.

"Hello." I did my best to smile at him but all I could think of was after tomorrow, I didn't know when I'd see him again. I'd never felt a pain like this. Not since Mom died. And this was a different kind of pain.

"No, no crying. This is our last night together. Only happy memories, please." His eyes glossed over as he smiled at me.

"So why do you look like you're gonna cry, too?"

"Because I really wanna fucking cry but I'm trying to be strong." He let a small giggle pass his lips as he lunged towards me. "I'm allowed to cry a little bit, aren't I?" He asked as he cuddled me into him. I decided, in that moment, that I was going to be the strong one tonight. And he was allowed to cry. And I'd take care of him. After all, I was the one who was putting us through this.

"You can cry if you need to. I'll look after you." I hugged him back, using my right hand to making soothing circles on his back.

"I don't want this last night to be filled with tears. I want it to be good."

"It will be, Pedro. We have each other. It'll be perfect." I watched as Pedro walked into the apartment; which was now mainly boxes and my sofa. It didn't feel like a home anymore. "God, it's weird seeing this place like this. I've always found comfort here with you."

"I know, it feels so strange." I stood next to him, gripping onto his arm. He wore a black T-shirt, a red cap, blue jeans and trainers. His leather jacket was on the kitchen top. I noticed he would wear a cap every time he wanted to hide away from the public. Which made me giggle because it didn't make him invisible; it just made him Pedro Pascal in a baseball cap.

"I've cleaned my car out so I can take the last of your stuff back to mine in the morning before I drop you off at the airport." I felt his body tense as he spoke about my departure.

"Thank you." I squeezed onto his arm.

"Shall we go?" I sensed he wanted to get out of here and away from the visual reminder of me leaving.

"Let's go."

"Is that a new watch?" I asked, as I chewed another bite of my pasta. We'd spent the day ambling around L.A for the final time together for a while and stopped off to get some food. Pedro let me decide where we went and I chose a cute little Italian restaurant near the beach. I noticed Pedro's watch, something I'd never seen him wear before.

"This?" He spoke as he swallowed his mouthful. That man was so god like that he even made eating pasta seem like a holy experience. "Nope, I brought this with my pay check from Game of Thrones. A treated to myself from my first big job. It's my dream watch."

"It's mine too. I've always wanted the Santos de Cartier. It's beautiful."

"She's a beauty isn't she?" I smirked as I saw him smile at his watch before he took another bite of his arrabiata.

"Why do you always call your favourite possessions female pronouns?" I asked as I mirrored him and ate some of my pasta.

"Because all beautiful things in life are women." What the fuck. This man was put into my life to destroy me. He always said the right thing. I was convinced that he didn't have a single flaw. I was so lucky to have him.

"Let me take a photo of you and your watch." I asked as I unlocked my phone. I opened my Instagram app and snapped a shot of the beautiful man and his favourite piece of jewellery. I uploaded it to Instagram.

********************************************We sat watching the sun set over the water. The pinks, blues and purples that coated the sea made it look like an oil painting. It was like L.A wanted to torture me one last time and show me its true beauty to entice me to stay. Pedro was sat with his arms resting on his knees. The light from the last bit of sun bounced straight off his watch face and into my eyes. But I let it. I didn't turn away. Because if I couldn't see anything because of the blinding light, I didn't have to see the heartbreak on Pedro's face.

"Shit, sorry!" Pedro chuckled when he realised his watch was torturing me. He moved his arm from his knee and held my hand. My heart felt heavy. "I haven't worn this watch since the night of our first date." This is going to hurt. "This is my lucky watch. I brought it with my first big pay check and I've worn it to every audition I've been to since. To every life event where I needed hope. I wore it the day I had a meeting with a director and then an hour later I bumped into you in Starbucks. It solidified that it was my lucky watch. Then I wore it on our first date hoping it was lucky enough to make you want me. Then when you wanted me, I put it away. I maxed out on luck. I had everything I wanted in you. And I quickly learnt my luck lay with you. I've never been so lucky or so happy since you came into my life." His voice cracked. He coughed and cleared his throat, then continued, "So I've kept it hidden away. And it's my favourite fucking watch. Sometimes; when I think my luck is running out; I look at you. And even when you're gone, all my luck will still be with you. My love will still be with you. And this will be with you." He unclasped the watch and squashed it into my hand. "Not that you need luck, because you'll get everything this world could offer you. You'll work hard for it. You'll get what you deserve cos you're the most incredible, kind human. But I want you to have it. I hope you wear it and think of me." Tears streamed down my face.

"This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't, I can't tell you how sad I feel right now. I'm so sad. I love you so much, Pedro. So much."

"I'm gonna miss you so much." He took off his cap and put it on my head. I pulled his jacket over my shoulders and hugged it closer to my body. The smell of the sea breeze was overpowered by the smell of Pedro on his jacket. I was consumed by Pedro; in the smell of his jacket, in the cap of his that sat on my head, in the the $7000 dollar watch that meant so much to him that he just gave to me, in the way he cuddled me into him. But it wasn't enough. I could never have too much Pedro. I saw him hold his camera up to us as he wrapped his arm around me. I smiled as sweetly as I could, though my heart was breaking. I knew Pedro felt the same. It was etched all over our faces. Later that night, I discovered he had uploaded the picture of us to his Instagram with the caption,

Happiest when I'm with you, My Eleanor. ♥️

I visited that post hundreds of times when I got home.

***************************************************

The first night at home was brutal. I loved being home. I missed Dad. I loved knowing Oli and Theo and Olivia were only down the road. But I missed Pedro so much my body ached. I didn't eat. I cried myself to sleep.

The third night had been cruel. The world could be cruel and I found that out the hard way when everything that day reminded me of Pedro. I saw someone who wore the same New Balance trainers as him, with curly hair and a leather jacket on in town. It hurt more because it resembled my favourite Pedro outfit. I went to get coffee and heard Purple Rain playing through the speakers. I lay in bed trying to find something to watch and Face Off was on, and all I could picture was him cosied up on the sofa; all fluffy and tender watching it. I didn't eat all day. I turned off the TV. I cried myself to sleep.

The eleventh night had been the worst. I couldn't stop thinking about him. What he was doing. How he was coping. If he missed me. He had text me multiple times. At first I would reply, but quickly found that it hurt more and more the more I replied. So I would limit my contact with him by taking longer to reply. I had learnt that I couldn't be awake and not text him because the need to speak to him, the urge to want to hear from him was too strong. So every time he would text, I would cry and take a nap. I googled him often. I would google us too. I'd read all the articles about us. I would read the comments on the posts we uploaded of each other. I missed him so much. It was 7:20pm here, meaning it was 1:20pm in LA. I hadn't replied to Pedro since he text me earlier to show me the new trainers he'd brought himself. I picked up my phone and sent Pedro a message.

Me: I got the watch adjusted, thank you. Every time I look at my wrist, I think of you.

He didn't reply straight away, not that I expected him to. I used the last bit of energy I had to go to the gym. I needed to get out of my head. I needed to think about something that wasn't Pedro. Exercise always made me feel better.

When I got back to my car, post gym session, I checked my phone for a reply from Pedro.

Pedro: I'm glad she's treating you well. Looks better on you than on me. Annoyingly. Xxx

Pedro: not sure who I miss the most, you or her?

His comment made me giggle. It was the first time I genuinely laughed since I'd been home. I went to work, I came home, I would eat soup then crawl into bed. I'd only seen Olivia once for a coffee and a cry. I saw Theo a few times. But babies are a lot of work and I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with that. I thought coming home, being surrounded by my loved ones, would heal me. It would make me instantly felt better. But it didn't. It reminded me that everyone had someone. And I didn't have Pedro.

Me: it does make me feel ridiculous that I'm wearing over $12000 worth of jewellery on my wrist because of you. But I'm grateful. Thank you. Xxx

Me: obviously me (it better be me)! Xxx

Pedro: can I call you? I've got something to talk to you about.

I didn't reply to his text. In lightning speed, I hit the call button.

"Hey babe." Pedro's voice was dark and low as he greeted me verbally. I pictured him on the sofa of his house, smiling as he spoke to me. Or grocery shopping and grinning as soon as he saw me calling. I missed him.

"Hey honey."

"Ugh, it still does things to me hearing you call me honey!" He moaned through the phone. "How are you?"

"I don't think I've stopped crying these last few days. I miss you so much. How are you?"

"I've been the same." My heart dropped.

"You've been crying?"

"Yeah. Almost every day. I've not cried today though. But I'm sure I will after this call." After the call? What was he going to say?

"Is everything OK?" Please don't break up with me. 

"Yeah everything's fine." He took a pause. My heart beat quickened. Please don't break up with me. "I know it's last minute and you probably won't be able to, but I'm gonna be in London this weekend. I'm going on my friend's Podcast. And I was wondering if you could make the trip to London? I don't know how far London is from you and-"

"Oh my god yes. I'll be there."

"You don't even know what I was going to say." His infectious giggle echoed through my phone speakers and filled my heart with joy.

"If it means I get to see you, I'm there." I started my car engine and turned on the heating.

"Are you driving?"

"I am in a bit. I've just been to the gym."

"Ah OK. Drive safe baby. Let me know when you're home." His need to always put my safety first, even from miles away, made me swoon. "I don't know if you've realised but Saturday is Valentine's Day." Oh shit. I hadn't gotten him anything! I'd been too busy missing him that I didn't even think about it.

"I don't want you to buy me anything, Pedro." Panic set in as I realised I was dating an extortionate gift giver.

"I was calling to see if you'd be free for dinner on Saturday. I fly back Sunday night so I can't do anything crazy. But I wanna see you."

"Yes please. I wanna see you."

"I've got a hotel sorted so you can stay with me the night if you'd like? Or if you need to get back, I understand."

"I wanna stay with you."

"Okay baby." He breathed out. His voice had deepened. His breathing got faster. I knew he wanted to cry.

"Are you OK?" I asked even though I didn't want to hear what he was to say. I hated that this was hurting him. That I was hurting him.

"Yeah. It's just shitty isn't it? I wish you were still here. I could have done something nice with you. On our first Valentine's Day. I've never had a valentine before."

"Me either." I giggled at the realisation that this man was made for me and I for him. We never really did relationship, we'd never had a New Year's Eve midnight kiss, we'd never had a Valentine's. Now we're had each other and a bunch of firsts. "It'll be nice to see you. Will make it a nice evening."

"We will baby."

"Can we make a promise to not do gifts?" I asked him sincerely. Pedro laughed at me. "I'm being serious."

"How about we do gifts but we just set a budget?"

"OK. £20!"

"Deal." He hadn't stopped laughing at my outburst. "I love you so much. I need to go babe. Text me when you're home."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you. Bye babe." He hung up the call. I still felt shit. But the world seemed a little less cruel that night.

**********************************************

February 14th. Valentines Day. A day that usually left me feeling every emotion. Some years, I didn't care that I didn't have a boyfriend to do something romantic with. Some years, I hated that I felt so alone and didn't have anyone to shower in love. I would always tell myself it was just a big money making scheme and that to show love to those you love was more than one day. But somehow, it always stung a little. This year, I had someone. Things were a little complicated but I was determined to not let my feelings ruin today, or our time together.

I was on the train to London with my overnight bag. Harry Styles played through my AirPods. The British scenery passed by the window. I was scrolling through my phone, trying to kill the last 30 minutes of my journey. I often used my Instagram explore page to find inspiration for outfits or new foods to try. But I saw an article from TMZ that caught my eye.

The Last of THEM? Pedro Pascals previous girlfriend, Eleanor Parker, has been pictured with a guy entering a restaurant in England. Pascal, who was previously known to keep his love life private, had spent the previous 10 months showcasing his girlfriend, Eleanor, to his 8.4m followers. However, the couple haven't posted each other for weeks and with Eleanor in England and Pedro back in L.A,  fans are speculating the two have parted ways. Don't worry, Pedro, there are millions of people who are happy to take on the role of your next partner!

What the fuck. I felt my blood run cold with anger. Who the fuck writes these articles!? I sent the link to Pedro, along with a heated comment on how I felt about it.

Pedro: I'll be seeing you in 15 minutes. Ignore it please. They know nothing xx

He was right. But it didn't stop me from feeling so much anger. I closed my eyes and tried to picture Pedro waiting for me on the platform. I tried to guess what he'd be wearing; whether the curls would be free or whether he'd be wearing a cap. Had he got his glasses on? Was I getting a Lakers T-shirt or Fleetwood Mac? I didn't have to mentally fantasise much longer as my train rolled into the station. It wasn't long before I saw him. My heart pounded in my chest as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me over to him.

"Oh my god I've missed you so much!" I jumped on him and wrapped my legs around his torso. I felt his hand move under my ass to hold me up and against him. His other hand snaked around my waist. For a second, I was conscious I was in the middle of the platform in front of hundreds of people. But being wrapped up in Pedro made me not care.

"I've missed you so much. Let me look at you." He held my head in his hands as he stared at me. "Beautiful." He kissed my lips swiftly but passionately. "Shall we get some coffee?"

"Music to my ears." I smiled as I linked my fingers through his and set off into the London morning with my favourite person.

Over coffee, Pedro caught me up on life in L.A. He told me about the guy in his apartment block who kept bringing him food since I left because he'd realised Pedro was sad and not eating since I'd been away. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for that. He mentioned that he'd seen one of my old colleagues in Starbucks who told him to tell me hi. He beamed as he told me about new projects he had coming up and it made me happy to see him happy. Being with Pedro had made me the happiest I'd been in weeks. But something about that article had got to me. I found myself wanting to prove that Pedro was still mine. So I stole a selfie of him and uploaded it to my Instagram.

"What are you talking about on the podcast tomorrow?" I asked as I sipped my iced latte. I couldn't stop staring at the flicks of hair that peeked from the retrains of his cap and the grandad cardigan combo that made this man immensely adorable yet daddy.

"I have no idea. I haven't asked. I'll just turn up and do my best." He smirked as he popped a piece of pastry into his mouth. "What about you? How's life at home? What have you been up to?"

"I've been busy with work. Haven't really seen anyone else yet." I stopped mid sentence when I realised what I'd done. I put pressure on our relationship, I'd moved half way across the world to be back home and with my loved ones. Yet, I hadn't done any of that. I'd barely saw anyone but Dad. I didn't go out with my friends. I didn't spend the time I should with Theo. I wasn't practically living at Olivia's like I had been post L.A. Why the fuck did you move back to England and break his heart? For nothing?

"It's still early. I bet you're still getting used to being back home." I knew Pedro had sensed my internal realisation of what I'd done and just wanted me to not feel bad. But all I'd done is make myself feel 100 times worse.

*****************************

"Thank you for tonight, it's been amazing." I wrapped my arms around his torso as we strolled down the road. England was damp and cold. But I found it charming. I'd always loved to walk in the rain. Especially at night. There was something romantic about it to me. Walking with Pedro through a damp cold England at night made me feel like I was the main character.

"See, it can work. We can make this work." He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. Maybe he was right? When I had settled and got back into the routine of being home, I would feel a lot less guilty about being without him. We could make it work. I would travel, he would travel. We'd have more time together than we'd realise. I squeezed him again. Harder. "Oh be careful don't squeeze me too hard. I'm full of pizza." He held his stomach as he giggled.

"I told you it's good pizza!" I smirked as we headed into the warmth of the hotel. From the outside, the hotel looked like an old cottage type house and nothing like a hotel. Which made me question whether that was the reason Pedro picked this place - for some privacy. "Can I take a picture of you for my Instagram story? I haven't posted a Valentines post about you."

"You could have got me before the end of the night when my hair was done and I wasn't full of pizza!" Pedro burst out laughing as he ran his fingers through the wildness of his curls.

"I prefer your messy hair!" I gave him my best smile as I lifted my camera. I watched as he moved his hands to his chest and posed for the photo. I took one shot. Just one shot.

"It's annoying that you take the most flattering pictures in one take. I take 200 and hate them all."

"Not true at all. I've got plenty of photos of you that are works of art. Lest we forget, you're a model now!" He smirked as he reached for me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Stop! I am not a model." I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him hard. I'd missed him. "I've missed this. You and your kisses."

"I've missed all of you; not just your delicious lips, Miss Parker." He kissed my lips once more before he peppered my cheeks and neck with light nibbles. "Can we have sex?" He asked against my lips as his eyes remained closed. Watching him react to my kiss; how dazed and devoted he got, made me love him a little bit more every time.

"Later. I want to give you your valentines gift now." I peeled my body away from his to go grab the blue gift bag for him. With shaky hands, I handed him the gifts.

"Are you OK? Why are you shaking?" He sounded concerned as he gripped my unsteady hands. His panicked voice made me giggle.

"I'm fine. I just hope you like them." I watched as he sat down on the rustic armchair and cracked open the box. I'd individually wrapped each gift, just to elongate the surprise for him. When he noticed, he laughed.

"Always doing the most for me." He reached into the bag and pulled out the small box.

"Do that one last." I clasped my hands together and brought them up to my lips. "Open the card first." I watched him retrieve the card and use his long bendy thumb to rip it open. His eyes scanned the text then looked up to me. "What?"

"Do you have a coin? It says I need to scratch the card. What the fuck is this, Eleanor?" He giggled, though I could see his brain churning trying to figure out what was happening.

"Open the card there's a coin in there for that reason." I watched him do as he was told and peel away the penny I tapped to the inside. The smaller envelope fell out onto his lap. "That's another thing, open that in a second." He shook his head but continued to follow the rules and scratched away at the first love heart. The card read, 'Happy Valentine's Day, Scratch and March 3 to win'. He quickly rubbed at the first heart to reveal,

"Blow job? I like where this is going." In a slightly quicker speed, he eagerly rubbed at the other two hearts to reveal a full house. "I won a blow job?" He looked up at me with greedy, dark eyes.

"Correct. You can cash that in later; but I want you to open the other gifts now. Start with the card." I pointed to the little silver envelope on his lap. He ripped it open to reveal a private cinema and dining experience at the Los Feliz theatre in L.A. "You can choose what film you want to watch. But I just thought cinema and food are two of your favourite things and it would be a nice date night idea when I'm back in L.A next."

"It's literally a perfect gift for me, Eleanor. Thank you. That's incredibly thoughtful. Really, I love it. Thank you." He was sincere as he held his chest and thanked me. I hoped I could always do and say things to make his eyes glisten the way they did for me in that moment.

"You're so welcome."

"Can I open this now?" He asked as he picked up the box. I nodded my head and watched excitedly as he tore open the main gift. "What is this?" My heart thumped in my chest as I watched him snap open the box. "Are you fucking kidding me?" His jaw dropped open as he looked up at me. "Eleanor. What the fuck."

"I felt bad for accepting your watch. I should have told you to keep it because I knew it meant a lot to you. But I was being selfish and I wanted it so I could constantly wear something that reminded me of you. So I felt the need to replace it. It's the newest model. I hope it brings you all the luck you deserve. Do you like it?"

"Eleanor, babe. This is too much. I love it. I really fucking love it. But babe, I can't. I just. This is so expensive. Honestly, I'm kinda pissed at you but I just love you, and this so much, I can't even, I just. My god." I couldn't control my childish laughter watching him stumble over his words. "I can't believe you spent this much money on me. After you set a £20 budget too."

"I know but you deserve it. I was going to get it engraved but I didn't know what to say. I was gonna put 'For my Pedro', or 'E & P' but I didn't know if you'd want me to do that in case we ever broke up and you couldn't wear it anymore."

"We are never ever ever ever breaking up." He grabbed my chin in his hand and forced his lips onto mine in a passionate and aggressive kiss. "I fucking love you. Now I know this is a lot of money. So I just want to make sure you're OK for money?"

"Yes I'm fine. I used my bonus money to buy it."

"Eleanor!"

"What?"

"You used your bonus money? You earned that."

"So? I wanted you to have something nice."

"I'm so grateful. Come here." He hugged me into him and kissed the top of my head in the most endearing way.

"There's another thing in the bag. It's only small, and it's a little bit cheesy and stupid but I wanted you to have it." I started to get nervous at the thought of him seeing what I'd done. I feared he would find it cringey or stupid and he would think differently of me.

"I'm sure I'll love it." He smiled reassuringly at me as he lifted the tissue paper covered letter from the bag. "Let me get my glasses." He reached for his specs and placed them on his face before he grabbed the paper and read the love letter I wrote him.

José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal. A beautiful name for a beautiful man, inside out. I wanted to write you a letter to tell you exactly how I feel. You always ask me why I love you, so I decided to write it all down so you can keep it and read it whenever you feel the need. But as I put my pen to paper, I can't articulate any words that seem good enough for you. Gracious. Compassionate. Determined. Beautiful. Inspiring. A safe haven. You are a beautiful contradiction. Dangerously gorgeous, yet innocently cute. Thrillingly exciting, yet immensely calming.

I love your sense of humor. It's one of the first things I noticed about you. You have a way of putting people at ease with a simple joke, and you always include everyone in the fun. Thank you for the way you are with people, for being patient and showing such kindness and humor.

I love your optimistic nature. You always try to see the good in every person and situation, even when I can't see it myself. When I look at the world through your eyes, it's a better place.

I love the way you look. You're so handsome, but you don't seem to realize how good looking you are. I see the way other people look at you, and I know they envy me for being with you. I'd love you even if you weren't so fucking handsome, but I'm glad you are.

I love your gentle hands. Those hands that do unexplainable things to me; physically and emotionally. You're such a strong man, but you have such a soft touch. When you take my hand in yours, I feel proud. I feel safe and cared for. I can't tell you how wonderful that is.

I love your generous soul. Whenever someone's in need, you're the first person to lend a hand. Some people might think you're a little too generous but I know better. You just can't resist helping because you understand how easily you could find yourself in the same situation.

I love the way you kiss me. Your lips perfectly fit with mine. I love those quick kisses you shower me with throughout the day, and I love your deep, lingering kisses even more. They make my toes curl, and I shiver with happiness.

Most importantly, I love the way you complete me. You are the soulmate I thought I'd never find. You cheer me up when I'm down and help me find balance when my world is out of control. You make me want to do the same for you.

You teach me the value of strong love and the power it holds. You are my home. You are my safe place where I find solace and peace. You always make me wonder whether I deserve to be loved so much because I am nothing extraordinary. You go beyond my expectations to surprise me to see me smile.

Being in your presence is like submerging yourself in a bath; calming, warm. When I think about being lucky enough to experience you every day, my heart swells in my chest.

It's you I think of when I wake up in the morning - sometimes something specific you said that was funny or sweet, sometimes just your wonderful face. You make it easy to start every day because I know I'll be able to talk to you and laugh with you.

My heart beats for you, and my smiles are all because of you.

Thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you.

Your Eleanor.

I noticed he had stayed silent as he read the letter and I panicked.

"Pedro?" He didn't answer. Instead, he looked up at me with tears brimming in his eyes and a wobbly bottom lip. "Oh my god, Pedro." I ran over to him and cuddled him into me. His big arm grabbed mine as he pulled himself closer to me.

"This is incredibly thoughtful, Eleanor. This is the best, the best gift I have and will ever receive. I'm so lucky." He looked up at me and spoke directly to my soul. As soon as he smiled at me, the tears escaped down his cheeks.

"Awww Pedro I'm so sorry for making you cry." I hugged his head closer to me as I rocked him in my arms.

"It's really beautiful. Thank you. You are so kind. So kind. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you so much."

"Do you want to cash in your blow job now?"

********************************

After a while of touching and tasting each other, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. I was scrolling through my apps, having some me time whilst I brushed my brush.

I saw an article titled "Pascal in love?" Which had the Instagram stories we'd posted of each other and paparazzi shots of us leaving the restaurant. My eyes skimmed the text and saw, 'We've never seen Pedro look happier.' Take that TMZ with your fake bullshit stories. As I was scrolling through my phone, a notification alerted me that Pedro had tagged me in a post got my attention. What's he tagged me in now!? I imagined it to be some ugly photo he'd managed to sneakily capture today. But when I tapped on the notification, my heart melted. It was a picture of the letter I wrote him. The next slide was a picture of us on the red carpet, looking at each other and laughing as we jointly held onto his anxiety spot. The third was a picture from our very first date. He cautioned the post,

'I cried. Luckiest man alive. Happy Valentines Day, Eleanor.

No, Pedro. I am so lucky to have you.

****************************

It has been over a week since I last saw Pedro. It still hurt. But it had started to feel normal to not see him and I hated that my body was getting climatized to not being in his presence. "I told you we can make this work. I'll see you soon, I promise. I love you." Was the last thing he said to me in person on the Sunday in London. I kept thinking about how he grabbed my head in his hands as he kissed me goodbye whilst I was sat at my desk at work, typing out an email about a contract I had sent out two days ago when my phone started ringing. It was Javeria. My heart stopped. She never called me.

"Hey Eleanor. It's Javiera." My heart pounded hearing his sisters voice on the phone.

"Hey Javiera. Are you OK?"

"Yeah!" She giggled, which made my heartbeat slow down. Thank goodness. "My brother on the other hand..."

"Oh my god what's wrong?" I cut her off, needing to know if Pedro was OK.

"He's fine. He's fallen down the stairs. We've taken him to the emergency room. He's broken his shoulder and needs surgery."