I'll Take Care of You

The arrival back to my LA apartment was bittersweet. I was happy to be back, I had started to really love it here in LA. But it wasn't home. The whole journey back, I kept thinking of everyone. How much bigger Theo would get the next time I saw him. How much more wedding planning Olivia would have done without me being there to witness her get giddy over choosing decor for the reception. How I wouldn't be able to hug my Dad again till Christmas. Or sing our favourite songs in the car with Oli.

"You alright?" Pedro asked as he knocked me out of my trance.

"Yeah." I smiled at him, trying to not let him know how I was really feeling. I usually told him everything, but I didn't feel like speaking about it.

"You sure? You've been quiet since we left England."

"Yeah I'm just tired." I lied. He pressed his lips together in a line and nodded. I knew he knew I wasn't telling the complete truth.

"Want me to go? So you can sleep?" It was 11:39pm here. The city lights hummed outside the window.

"Aren't you gonna stay?"

"Well I can if you want me to. But I won't be offended if you want some time by yourself. You did just have the misfortune of a whole 12 days with me." He giggled. Even when I didn't feel my best, the sound of his laughter made me feel good.

"I'd like you to stay with me tonight."

"OK baby." He kissed my head as he walked past me. I hadn't verbally told him, for reasons unknown, that I enjoyed watching him walk around my apartment like he lived here too. Gracefully and naturally. Confident. The way he'd put his keys and wallet on the countertop as he moved to lock the door. How he'd collect a glass from the cupboard and fill it with cold water from the tap and take a big swig. How he collected our luggage and put it in the corner of the room out the way for us to deal with tomorrow. Anyone who didn't know us would think we'd been living together for years. Two people sharing a space intimately. It made me love him a bit more.

Pedro moved around the apartment constantly doing checks or tidying up. I stood still, just watching him. Every now and then he'd look at me and his smile would grow a centimetre each time. Like every time he looked at me, he had to show me more emotion on his face. I stood slumped, trying to find some emotion that wasn't sadness. He stared at me before he picked up his phone and within seconds, music echoed through the walls of the apartment. Prince's 'Kiss' thumped through the air. He grinned at me as he moved in time with the beat till he got to me.

"You don't have to be beautiful, to turn me on." He sang as he grabbed me. His face was so serious. His dance moves precise and strong. His voice was as high as it could go, trying to compete with Princes' vocal range. The contrasting vocals and dance moves made me burst out laughing. The serotonin from the laughter he inflicted on me warmed through my bones in seconds. The Pedro effect. "You are beautiful and you do turn me on." He whispered in my ear as he pulled me close. His body was pressed against his as he took one of my hands in his and started twirling with me on the spot. I looped my arm around his neck and twirled around in his arms like a ballerina.

"I just want your extra time and your.... KISS!" I'd been spun around, dipped and kissed in time with the music. "Knew I could get a smile out of you." Pedro's voice echoed through my head as I lay my head against his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head as we danced into the next song. It was James Morrisons I Won't Let You Go. Being all too familiar with the songs lyrics, I felt like this was going to hurt a little. "Want me to skip this one?" He asked, as if he knew my mental capacity might not align with the words and melody.

"No, I love this song." I squeezed him a little tighter to me. His moustached mouth grazed my head as he kissed me tenderly.

"Me too. I love you."

"I love you." I returned as the chorus hit. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was watching myself in a film, dancing with the love of my life in an apartment 9 floors above the big city, wishing to be that girl and have someone to love and hold me so desperately as he tried to make me laugh when he span me around the empty spaces of the apartment. Except I was that girl. My mind couldn't connect the two.

"I hope you know you can talk to me about anything. I might not have the right words, but I'll listen." His heartbeat knocked against my left cheek.

"I know. Thank you. I'm just feeling a little sad to be away from home. It never gets easier. You know. To leave them behind." Tears silently fell from my eyes. Pedro stepped back and held my head in his hands. His helpless face scanned mine, trying to search for something from me.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting because of that. I understand why it's not easy. You have a wonderful collection of family and friends who love you so much." His thumbs wiped my cheeks in unison. "But I'll do my best to love you as much as I physically can whilst you're here. I won't let you go." His words were in perfection harmony with James' lyrics. His comic timing made me giggle like a little girl.

"So cheesy, Pascal." I leant into his touch, "If I'm with you, I know I'll be alright." I kissed his palm.

"Too right. Cos you know if your sky is falling, just take my hand and hold it!" Again, he stole lyrics from James as he grabbed my hand in his. He span me on the spot then pulled me closer to him. "I won't let you gooooooo!" He sang obnoxiously as he danced around with me. "You are the only person I'll put through the torture of hearing me sing."

"I thought you loved me!" I bit my lip as I looked at his face and tried to suppress my smile.

"Wow, ouch! There she is." He pouted his lips as he narrowed his gorgeous brown eyes at me. "It's pretty bad isn't it?" He slid his hands around my waist as he slowly moved on the spot.

"It really isn't bad at all. You're no Harry Styles." My comment made him roll his eyes and groan out loud as he picked up the pace of our dance moves. "But I think you have a lovely voice. Like everything else about you, you're just naturally perfect."

"OK well now I know you're tired because you're coming out with all sorts of nonsense. Shall we go to bed?"

"Please." He kissed me once and walked over to his phone to stop the music.

"Come." He offered his hand to me. And as I always did, I took it and followed him. I'd follow him anywhere. It didn't take long for us to get ready for bed. But the fact I was tired and just wanted to climb into the sheets made every second feel like an hour. I let out an audible sigh as my body climbed into bed.

"Try and get some sleep, honey." Pedro settled in next to me as he took off his glasses and put them on the side. He turned off the lamp and settled down the bed. I wasn't sure why, but I was hyper aware of every sound and movement. The crunch of the duvet as Pedro slide over to me. The whoosh of his feet moving over towards me as he intertwined our legs. The small grunts he let out as he tried to get comfortable. Maybe I was trying too hard to focus on everything around me because I felt nothing inside? I could feel my heart thump in my chest. It made my ears thud. The more I thought about it, the quicker my heart would race. The more my heart would race, the more I thought about it. I was caught in a cycle that I couldn't get out of. "You alright? I can feel your heart pounding against my hand." His smooth voice through the darkness of the room startled me. His hand rubbed the top of my arm soothingly. This man had a sixth sense when it came to me. He knew everything I felt before I felt it myself. It could read my mind. I usually found that endearing, that he knew me so well that we were on this hidden wavelength only the two of us tuned into. But tonight, it scared me. Because I couldn't help my thoughts. I couldn't help but think about wanting to pack up from L.A and move home tomorrow. I couldn't stop thinking about Mom and picturing her in various places around the house writing me her last love letter to me as she cried, knowing she didn't want to exist anymore. I couldn't stop replaying the visuals of me, Dad and Oli holding each other as we mourned the loss of my Mother again. I couldn't stop thinking about how I'll never see my mom again. Or how I desperately wanted to be with her. I wasn't sure I believed in an afterlife. But tonight, the thought seemed so appealing to me that it was the only option I considered to be true. And how scared I was becoming that I was convincing myself that being in the afterlife with mom was better than being alive and without her. "Eleanor? Are you asleep?"

"No." I croaked. I was so out of tune with my body that I hadn't realised that tears had pooled in my eyes. I was thankful for the darkness, in more ways than one, for letting me hide. "I'm fine. I'm just tired." I turned over to face away from him. It wasn't long before his big body curved around me till I was shaped with and by him. His head behind mine. His crotch against my ass. His knees following the same 45 angles as me.

"I love spooning you. Getting to crawl right up close to you. I love it. Good night honey." He kissed the back of my head and I kissed his hand. Thoughts of my mom controlled my mind. I watched the memories of her in my head like a home movie till I fell asleep. Each scene more painful than the last. Because I knew this film would end like my reality; where she didn't exist anymore. I fucking missed her.

***************************************************

It had been 8 days since I last saw Pedro. And 8 days since I left the house. Apart from going to work. Which felt like hell. Not because I hated my job, because I didn't. But because I had to try and be normal. And because I had to speak to other people. And I had to leave the house. It didn't help that work had been busy. I got my head down and secured another deal. I blamed my current success story on the words my mom left me on my note;

I hope you know you can be anything you want to be but know you have to work hard to get it.

Her words and the letter replayed in my head every single day. I'd kept it in the envelope and hid it in my drawer. I hadn't decided what to do with it. The guys at work wanted to take me out to celebrate the $850,000 deal I'd secured in Santa Monica, but I didn't want to go. I just wanted to go back to my apartment and be alone. I'd put off seeing Pedro the one night he was free because I just wanted to be alone. When I told him I was working late and wouldn't be home till late, Pedro had been the sweetest person about it, and told me he understood and said he was there if I needed anything to just let him know. Which of course made me feel like the worst girlfriend ever. But it also made me question why he didn't scream and fight me to come over later that night to see me. I toyed with the idea that he didn't actually want to see me either and that he was glad when I said no. I also considered that he didn't care about me and didn't want to see me. Which led me to believe that no one really cared about me, but instead just used me when they needed someone. But then 2 hours later, Pedro sent me a selfie of him bored at home telling me he missed me,

Pedro: bored without you. Miss you.

And Olivia sent me a TikTok with the message, 'This reminds me of you and now I miss you even more than I did before.' and it made me feel better about it all. I knew I was loved. I knew Pedro loved me.

The commute from work to my apartment was 15 minutes. I usually walked it. But found myself getting Ubers to and from work. Because I was too tired to walk and the idea of putting myself behind the wheel of a motorised vehicle was both a delicious and dangerous thought. No gym, no running, no Pedro. I hadn't gone grocery shopping either. Because I'd barely been eating. I was in a rut. And was finding it hard to get myself out of it.

Pedro had been busy with work and would check in on me all the time that he could. Which I appreciated and would tell him so, but I found it hard to do anything without feeling overwhelmed. Thankfully he understood, but it didn't stop me from feeling guilty. As a thank you, I'd organised a date night for him.

"Hey baby." He smiled as I opened the door. He looked like heaven. I looked like hell. "Come here." He engulfed me in his arms and held me to him. "Elle, have you been eating?" He asked as I let me go and held me at arms length. His eyes scanned my body.

"Yeah."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"I had lunch."

"When?"

"Two days ago." I could never lie when I was with him. It was impossible to look at him in those gorgeous brown eyes and lie to him.

"Eleanor!"

"I've had food since then. But that was the last proper thing I ate."

"What did you eat?"

"A sandwich."

"Eleanor!" He grabbed me again. "I know it's hard right now, but please try to eat a little."

"I will." I smiled at him. For the first time in days, it was a genuine smile. "I've missed you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He grinned at me. "I've missed you. Gorgeous girl. I'm excited to spend my time with you this weekend."

"I hope you like what I've planned." I closed the door behind him and leant against the kitchen worktop as I drank in the sight of him. He wore blue jeans, with his navy New Balance, a black jumper and his black leather jacket and his cap. His curls peeped out from all sorts of directions in a charming way. He wore his black rimmed blacks. I knew exactly what he'd done. I couldn't help but lick my lips and grin.

"What?" Pedro smirked as he turned around and caught me staring. He knew I knew.

"I like your outfit." I twisted my lips, trying to mask my appreciation.

"Oh this? I just threw it on." He held onto the collar of the leather jacket I loved so deeply. He pouted his lips and shrugged arrogantly, which drove me wild.

"Yeah, well I think you look delicious."

"I thought you would. I think you mentioned you liked it when I wore this?"

"Oh so you did wear it on purpose?" I stalked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "You smell so good."

"I get it, Elle. I'm a 10/10." He mocked confidence, which made him even more attractive to me. "What are we doing this evening?"

"Well, I thought we could go get some dinner at the Tex-Mex place you love. Pez Cantina is it? Then there's an immersive exhibition at the Grammy Museum of Prince which I thought you'd love and-" I saw Pedro press his lips together as if he tried to hide a smile. "What?"

"Nothing. It sounds great baby." I was taken back by his mediocre reaction. But then it was obvious. Fuck!

"You've already been to see it, haven't you?" He looked guilty as he nodded his head. "When?"

"When you went home the first time?"

"Why didn't you tell me!? Fuck! I'm sorry!" I pulled away from him just as I felt his finger tips try and claw me back towards him. "I can't do anything fucking right lately. You deserve better."

"Hey, hey stop this." He had caught up with me and grabbed my elbows.

"But you do! You deserve someone who can look after you way better than me-"

"Elle, stop. I don't wanna hear it. I'm happy with you. I wanna be with you."

"How can you want to be with me? I fucked up tonight-"

"You did not fuck up tonight!" We were talking over each other. Our voices had started to raise as to be heard over each other. "I'm really excited to experience it with you. You're gonna love it."

"I feel like I let you down. You don't deserve someone who lies-"

"Elle, stop. Listen to me. I'm telling you how I feel."

"I lied about wanting to see you, Pedro. I wasn't working late. I just didn't want to see you. I didn't want to see you." I repeated in a breathless tone. I couldn't look at him. He dropped my elbows and took a step back. I still couldn't look at him so I stared at his feet. There was a deafening silence between us. I could feel my chest rise and fall but I couldn't control my breathing. It felt like someone was pumping my body with a bicycle pump. Strong puffs of air that quickly dispersed around my body. But not quite reaching my fingertips or toes. They felt cold and tingly. "I told you that you could do better."

"I'm not mad." Pedro's voice was soft as if he was talking to a small child. His tone made me raise my head to look at him. His lips were pressed together as he leaned against the countertop. "But why? You could have just told me that you didn't want to see me."

"I'm sorry." My eyes adverted back to the floor, unable to cope with seeing his reaction. My heart hurt. Again. My body was heavy. I wanted to crawl into bed and not speak to anyone and just think about how awful I was.

"Why lie about it Eleanor? I get that you don't have to see me all the time but I never want you to lie to me about it."

"Because I didn't feel great and I know if I told you that you'd wanna check in or that I'd have to open up about it and I didn't have the capacity to. I'm really sorry." I played with a piece of skin near my fingernail. I watched my shaking fingers grip onto the skin and tug until blood came from the microscopic wound. Though tiny, it hurt. I felt Pedro's hands on my shoulders as he pulled me to him.

"I get that you need time alone and that you're not feeling good. But please just be honest with me. I don't want you to lie to me. OK?" He wrapped me up in his arms. I kept my bloody finger away from his jacket as I hugged him back. I was convinced that being close to Pedro was the most intoxicating experience anyone could have. It was both nerve wracking and comforting. He was so beautiful and charming that it made you nervous to even be in his presence. But bathing in Pedro made you feel secure and safe. I never quite shook off that feeling and idly wondered if I'd ever lose it.

"You scare me and make me feel safe." The words fell from my mouth before I had chance to think about anything.

"I scare you?" Pedro pulled away and looked me in the eyes. I felt exposed. Nervous. Terrified even. Like the first time I swore in front of my dad. I knew I was in no physical danger but I was terrified of what he would say. "Eleanor? What do you mean I scare you?" He didn't like the comment. He seemed angry.

"I'm scared of you. Of the power you have over me. How I feel love for you in every inch of my body that sometimes I don't feel like me but more like a zombie who can't do anything but feel for you and need you. There's literally nothing I wouldn't do for you. And that scares me. Because what if, one day, that's not enough? What do I do then? How do I be me again? What would I do with all this love I have for you?"

"You will never have to find out. Because you'll never be without me. I promise. And how you feel about me is exactly how I feel about you. I constantly feel like I need to impress you. You're this dream girl that floats around the world so blissfully unaware of the beauty she possesses. And she, you, chose me. To love. To be with. I never take it for granted."

"I'm sorry for lying and I'm sorry for ruining your date night."

"You have nothing to be sorry for and date night isn't ruined. Every date night with you is my favourite. But we don't have to go if you don't wanna. We can do whatever you want."

"I want to go on a date with you." Seeing his reaction to my words let me know I'd made the right decision. What I really wanted was to get undressed and lie in the bath till my skin turned wrinkly and the water made my bones feel like icicles. And I wanted Pedro here but I wanted to be by myself when I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. But seeing him in front of me and watching how he smiled at me with so much love when I said I wanted to go on a date with him made me feel good for the first time in a while. I had to do it for him.

The walk to the Tex Mex restaurant was draining. Not physically, emotionally. Pedro did almost all the talking. I listened to every word and would chip in with comments and questions when applicable. Even though he'd already seen the Prince exhibition, it didn't stop him fanboying. It was joyful to watch his eyes twinkle as he looked at memorabilia and Prince's artwork. He hadn't stopped talking to me about the things he'd seen or facts about Prince. I didn't have the heart to tell him I already knew everything he mentioned about Prince for multiple reasons. One because it melted my heart to hear him talking passionately about something he loved. Two because if he did all the talking, I wouldn't have to use the bit of energy I had to make some small talk. I saw a girl and her friend walk towards us with their cameras open. They'd spotted Pedro and I tensed up. I didn't have it in me to be social. Or make small talk.

"Hey Pedro! Oh my god!" One girl gushed as she approached us. "I love you so much!"

"Thank you." Pedro's mouth was small when he smiled at her and then at me. I smiled back, though I knew my feelings were obvious. He noticed and winked at me.

"Could we get a picture please?"

"Urm, not tonight. I'm so sorry. I'm on a date with my girlfriend." He looked over at me as he rejected the girls. It made my heart drop. I didn't want to be that girl. I didn't want his fans to not have their opportunity with him. I leant forward and went to open my mouth and protest but Pedro took my hand in his and said, "It was really lovely to meet you. Have a great evening." Before he waved and started to walk us down the street.

"Why did you do that?" I asked as I moved my feet quicker to keep up with his pace.

"Because you don't need that right now." He brought my hand up to his lips and placed an elongated kiss on my knuckles. His moustache tickled my skin.

"I didn't mind. I never mind your fans having photos with you. I promise. I feel so guilty."

"It's OK babe. It's not the first and it won't be the last time I reject photos. I'm not always in the mood to have my picture taken." Though that seemed like a reasonable thing to say and understand, I questioned whether his statement was true. Or whether he was just saying it to be kinder to me.

I couldn't shake off the feeling of anxiety or sadness as we ate. Which explained why I played with my food more than I ate. Pedro had noticed several times and tried to help. He offered me one of his fajitas which I declined. He asked if I wanted to try some of his spicy rice which I also declined. He asked if I was enjoying my food and offered to get me something else if I wasn't enjoying it. I told him it was delicious though it was pretty mediocre so he wouldn't push more food onto me. I managed half a bowl of my chilli before I gave up and excused myself for the bathroom.

I was staring at my gaunt face in the mirror. I could barely recognise myself. My hair was flat and my eyes were heavy. My skin seemed pale and lifeless. I couldn't help but laugh at what I'd become. I kept watching myself and tried to picture what I should look like as if I was tried to photoshop myself in my mind. I heard someone call my name.

"Eleanor?" I looked up to see a super pretty blonde staring at me. She looked around my age. I didn't recognise her. Her hair fell down her shoulders in soft waves and her little black dress hugged her curvy figure in a way I could only dream of.

"Yeah?"

"Are you dating Pedro Pascal?" Was she one of his friends? I don't remember seeing her before. Did she know him? Did she know me?

"Yeah?"

"Wow. I'm sorry, but he could do so much better." Was all she said before she giggled and walked off. I fought against the tears that were burning in my eyes.

"What's wrong?" Pedro asked as I returned to the table. He could sense something was wrong and I was tired of trying to keep it in.

"It's been a shit day. I wanna go home." I started to collect my things before the tears came pouring out. Pedro followed my lead and started to stand up and collect his things. It made me feel guilty when I saw he still had half a glass of wine and a third of his meal left. So I left the table as quick as I could. When I turned back, he was stood still and confused, not knowing what to do. I asked the waitress who served us if I could pay for the bill and she left to get the card machine. Pedro shook his head at me and sighed. In that moment, my heart broke. I was failing him. He didn't deserve any of this. My eyes filled with tears as my body got hot. I was panicking. She returned and I left a generous tip to make up for the trouble we caused her. I thanked her and sheepishly made my way back to Pedro who was waiting for me by the table.

"Eleanor, you've gotta tell me what's going on? Please!" He begged as he put his hand on my lower back and led us out of the restaurant. As soon as I got outside, the tears flowed. I let a single tear fall before the urge became too much to let it all out. How fucking stupid I must have looked crying in the middle of the street. How embarrassing must it be for Pedro to be seen with me. "Hey, hey baby what's wrong?" He leaned over and grabbed my hand from my face and held it tight.

"I'll tell you when we're home." I didn't want to do this outside. Not with people around. Not with potential paparazzi waiting to get shots of us together. I didn't want this moment to be documented online forever. I wouldn't be able to deal with the idea that people thought something was going wrong between me and Pedro, or that he was the cause of my tears. He held me as we waited for a taxi. I loved him so much it hurt.

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?" Pedro asked as we entered my apartment. We always ended up here. It felt more like a home to me when he was here. Because he was home.

"I just, I'm just a bit sad at the moment and I feel like I can't do anything right for you and I let you down all the time and-"

"No you don't! Eleanor!" He shook my hand to try and get me to look at him and calm down but I continued to ramble.

"And as I was leaving the bathroom in the restaurant, some random girl stopped me and asked me if I was dating you and when I said yeah she laughed as said you could do so much better. Don't you think I already know that?" I dropped my head down to hide my tears. But almost instantly, Pedro grabbed my chin and picked it up to look at me.

"You really believe her?" He asked as he stared into my eyes. His gaze was so locked in that it made me wanna look away.

"It's nothing I didn't already know. It's just shit when someone else says it." I tried to pull away but he pulled my head back.

"Eleanor. Please listen to me. Please. Look at me." He forced my head to be just inches from his. "I'm here, in your apartment with you. Not her. I love you. So much. And only you. Only ever you. Fuck what she says. What anyone says. I love you. You are perfect for me. I can't do better. I got you. My dream girl. Do you believe me?" I just nodded, wanting to be away from him. I needed space. "Eleanor, tell me you understand this."

"I'm a sad depressed mess that can't be the girl you deserve. You deserve someone happy and fun who makes you fun and happy. And not some nobody like me that isn't fun to be around and just cries. I don't have anything I could offer you."

"Eleanor, stop. Stop it! Just fucking stop." I was shocked when Pedro shook my head in his hands, as if he was trying to get through to me. "I'm so sorry baby. I'm sorry." He kissed my brow. "You're not listening to me. Please. I'm begging you to listen to me. I need you to. I only want you. From the moment I met you, it's always been you. Please listen to me. I love you. I'm so in love with you. Please listen to me." He was panicked. His eyes wide. His voice urgent. How could I treat him like this? How could he want this?

"You deserve better."

"Eleanor. Don't don't this. I know what you're doing!" He was shouting at me now. His grip of my head was tight. His body stiff. He was scared. "You're trying to convince yourself you're not good for me cos you feel upset right now. But please don't do this. Please don't leave me. Please. Listen to me. I don't want anyone but you. You can't leave me. I don't know how to live if I don't have you. Please don't do this."

"I'm not leaving you. I just, wish I could give you what you deserve."

"You and me. Forever. Promise me. All of this shit, no matter what we go through. We do it together. Promise me."

"I promise."

"You love me. Wholeheartedly. On purpose. You wake up and choose to love me. And I am the luckiest man in the world for that. No matter how you feel, no matter what you think, I'm gonna be here with you. Forever." He kissed me hard and urgent, letting his lips do the talking. I kissed him back. Letting him know that I loved him. Reassuring him with my mouth and no words. "Go shower and we'll eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"You've not eaten properly in a week. Please. Just eat something for me. Anything. We'll order whatever you want."

"OK."

"Thank you. Hey hey, look at me. Thank you." He kissed me again. His thumb and index finger stroked my chin. "Gorgeous girl. Go shower." I kissed him and went to go and unwind.

After my shower, I came out of the en-suite to see Pedro had left my pyjamas out on the bed. I'd forgot. And he remembered. He took care of me. He always took care of me. Another wave of emotions hit and I started to cry again. I sat on the floor, in my towel, letting each sob rattle my body. I didn't realise how long I'd been on the floor till Pedro came in.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He repeated the same sentence for the millionth time. His voice was soft as he came and bent down next to me. His arm was over my shoulders as he pulled me closer to him and kissed my head. "If you don't wanna talk about it, it's OK. But I wanna help."

"Even when I feel shitty, you still wanna look after me." I lifted my head to look at him. The perfect man in front of me. He softly smiled and bobbed his head.

"I'm your boyfriend, it's kinda what I do."

"But you don't have to. And definitely don't have to this extreme. You care for me so much."

"It's all I wanna do." I crashed my lips onto his hard and fast so he couldn't say anything else. I kissed him with everything I had.

"I am so in love with you Pedro. So in love. Thank you."

"My perfect girl. Come on, you're freezing. Let's get you dressed." He helped me to my feet before he started to dry me off with my towel. Usually; standing in front of Pedro completely naked caused a fiery intimacy between us that made us feral and want to jump the bones of each other. But here, how he was tenderly caring for me, created a whole new level of intimacy I had never received in my life. He cared for me in the purest form. Caring for me as someone in their most vulnerable form; naked, exposed, emotionally drained. And he made each of his touches tender and comforting. He had no idea how magnetic he was. He helped me get dressed. He made me put my arms on his shoulders as he helped me put my legs into my pyjamas shorts. Like a child, he made me raise my arms as he lifted my T-shirt over my head and over my body. I was braless, my nipples exposed through my top. Something that usually made him go crazy over me. But he respected my boundaries. He didn't make comments or steal touches. He cared for me so deeply. He took my hairbrush from my dresser and asked me to turn around. Tears filled my eyes as he started to brush my hair. He was tender.

"Let me know if I hurt you OK." I could feel the pattern of the brush running through my hair, then Pedro's hand following the direction of the brush seconds after as he combed my locks down.

"Nothing ever hurts when I'm with you." My comment made him stop what he was doing. I turned to face him. "I've been feeling emotionally numb lately. But when I'm with you, there's a ball of fire in my chest that soaks through my body and it just warms every inch of me. When you go, it goes out. I can't promise I'll be much fun at the moment to be around so I understand if you need time to yourself. But thank you for not giving up on me. And for caring for me. Because I can't tell you how much it means to me that you do that." I hugged him. So tight. Tighter than I'd ever hugged anyone. I would have crawled into his body if I could. I wanted to be consumed by this man.

"Isn't it special? This? What we have. I treasure it. I'm so thankful for you, honey." He kissed the top of my head tenderly. "No come on, we've gotta go eat! Have you decided what you want?" He grabbed my hand and lead me to the living room.

We settled on Chinese, which was Pedro's call. I wasn't hungry till food got here and the smell of it made my stomach rumble. We were on my sofa, post food, on our phones. The TV was on in the background but neither of us paid attention to it. I had my feet on Pedro's lap and I lay back. He was slumped against the headrest, lost in his phone. I could watch him scroll and pout at the screen for hours. Pedro was unaware of what I was doing. Googling us. Something I did so recently. He would tell me off if he found out. He would tell me that I didn't need to read the 'bullshit online' and that I would feel better if I tuned it out. But I couldn't stop myself. An article from Hollywood Unlocked featured an article about Pedro being 'In-Love' with his girlfriend. It contained multiple photos of us; both paparazzi shots and pictures we'd posted online. It wasn't anything particularly exciting, it just explained that he'd been public about his relationship and that it was nice to see. Another posted a short article about me which described where I lived in England, how we met and contained posts from my Instagram. The article made me uncomfortable so I clicked off it. I saw a search of 'Pedro Pascal and Eleanor Parker' on TikTok which had hundreds of videos of montages of me and Pedro. I watched one of pictures merged together with a love heart effect over the top as some catchy remix of a song played over the top. It warmed my heart. The next was clips of us we'd posted online with Until I Found You by Stephen Sanchez playing over the top. The captioned was 'They love each other so much ❤️‍🩹'. I went onto the comments and so many people had lovely things to say.

He loves her so much it hurts! Eleanor is so lucky. I need someone to love me the way he loves her!!

They love each other so much ahhhhh

The way he looks at her 🥹🫠

Has anyone noticed the way he looks at Eleanor is so different to anyone else? He's is so smitten! We love to see you happy Papi! ❤️‍🩹

This song is so perfect for their relationship. Ugh I love them.

Pedro's head lifted when he heard that song.

"I love that song. Didn't I send it to you a while ago?"

"You did." Recalling the text conversation in my memory made me swoon.

"My song to you." He smiled at me before he turned his attention back to his phone. It was as if something clicked. Watching the videos, seeing the comments, people recognising what I had with him made it all make sense. We really loved each other. We were made for each other. It wasn't just me anymore. I needed to be stronger for him. For us. I crawled over to him and kissed him. My sudden outburst made him shy and giddy as I pulled away. His eyes were still closed as I leant my head back to look at him.

"What was that for?" He bit his lip as he smiled at me. That smile that could heal anything. The smile that lit up the world.

"I just love you so much and even though I haven't been the nicest person to you lately; I hope you know that."

"I love you, darling." I lay my head on his chest and brought up my phone camera. Pedro smiled at me through the screen as I captured a picture of us cuddling. I uploaded it to my instagram account with the caption,

"Forever grateful for you. I 🤍 you!"

It was the first time I had publicly said I loved him. Add that to your sparkly montages.

***********************************************

I tossed and turned, trying to find a position in the bed that made me comfortable. My mind was active, though I wasn't thinking of anything in particular. I was focusing on the pain inside my chest. The heaviness I had brought home with me. I leant over to my phone to check the time. It was almost 3am. Pedro was fast asleep next to me. I watched his back expand and retract as he breathed in and out. Up and down. He was gracious, even in his sleep. I slipped out of bed. I decided to go get some water. I wasn't going to get back to sleep anytime soon and didn't want to wake Pedro.

I sipped on the icy water as I looked out of the window. Seeing L.A at night always made me feel a certain way.  In a strange way, it was comforting. The city light twinkled like stars over the iconic horizon. I watched a taxi pull up and two girls stumble out onto the path before one paid and the taxi drove away. They linked arms and giggled their way into a nearby apartment block. I watched a man jog down the street and wondered what made 3am a great time to go for a run, though I kinda got it and thought about trying it myself. I watched an apartment light opposite switch on then off again. Then back on for a few seconds before it went off again and wondered what that person was doing. I watched the outside and nothing happened for a while and L.A seemed scary when it had no life. I watched the lights of the city horizon  twinkle to remind myself there was life out there when I saw Pedro creep up behind me in the reflection. I turned to look at him.

"Hey."

"Hey. You alright?" He asked as he rubbed at his eyes.

"I couldn't sleep and didn't wanna wake you with my tossing and turning."

"Is everything OK?" He asked as he leant against the kitchen counter. I walked over to him.

"I can't shake this feeling off. I feel kinda numb. I loved the letter, as bittersweet as it is. But it's just brought all those feelings back to the surface. I can't stop thinking about when she wrote that. Did she do it before, you know? Or was that always meant to be for me, even if she didn't do what she did. And then I think about her writing it, how she must have felt. I keep picturing her sitting by herself at home writing those letters for us and all the pain she was in. Knowing what she was about to do to herself. How in the most painful moment of her life, she chose to tell us how much we meant to her. And it hurts so much, Pedro. Like it physically hurts me. I just wish I'd have known. I wish I could have stopped her." I couldn't say anything else before the tears started again. My eyes stung. From lack of sleep, from all the crying I'd already done.

"Come here." He engulfed me in his arms. It always brought comfort to be close to him. He didn't say anything, he just held me. Tight. Time passed with us two standing in my kitchen, holding onto each other desperately.

"I'm sorry. You know, for crying all the time. I'm trying to be strong."

"You can put your strength down. I'm sitting here with you at your kitchen table. You don't need to say anything." His words floored me.

"But it's late, and you need to sleep-"

"I don't care if it's almost 4am. You're my best friend and I'll take care of you." Best friends? I'd never considered the possibility of me and Pedro being best friends. Best friends had always been so platonic to me. And I had the best ones in the form of Olivia and my friends at home. But maybe we were best friends. Maybe that's why we worked so well. Maybe he was my best friend. But the idea of being Pedros best friend made me giddy. My heart. "We were just two broken souls trying to fix one another... Somehow, I ended up with a piece of you and you me. We've got this, we've got each other." His voice was gentle. I scanned his face, trying to think of words that were poetry like to mirror what he just said to me.

"I just feel like I'm failing at the moment. I don't want to feel like this. I wanna be happy. I wanna to take of you. I want to be the best girlfriend to you. I want to make you proud-"

"As long as I'm alive, you'll always have someone who's proud of you in everything." Floored. Again. "You're already the best girlfriend. The best in everything you do." His hands gently stroked my shoulders as I stared at him, lost for words.

"I'll do better, to look after myself. To look at you, us."

"I'll take care of you."

"It's a rotten job." Literally the worst.

"Not to me. Not if it's you."

"I'm tough." No you're not.

"I know you are."

"I can take care of myself." No you can't.

"I know you can. You always will. I've just joined in. We take care of each other." His words healed. They hurt. In a good way. I walked over to him and hugged him tight. "Shall we go back to bed?"

***************************************************

"Good morning babe." I stirred awake to the sound of Pedro's voice. "Babe, you awake?" I sleepily opened my eyes to see Pedro at the side of my bed. He was dressed in a T-shirt, shorts and running shoes.

"What are you wearing?" My voice was thick with sleep as I asked the question. Pedro giggled.

"Good morning to you too." He leant forward and kissed my head. "I," He stood up to do an outfit reveal. "Am wearing my running outfit. And you," He leant over the bed and picked up some clothes. "Are going to wear yours. As we, are going for a run."

"What?" I threw my arm over my eyes which were still sensitive to the morning.

"I just went home to get changed. We're going for a run. I know how much you love running and you've not been going. I thought if I came with you, it would motivate you to get back into it." He looked so proud of himself. I really wanted to stay in bed. But how Pedro had been lately; how he'd supported and cared for me, how he was trying his best to bring me back to life - I had to do this for him.

"You are so cute." My remark made him giggle as his grinned widened. "I didn't think you liked running."

"No I fucking hate it. I don't know why anyone would want to put their body through that. I'm not even sure my old man bones will make it through this. But I hate seeing you like this more. So if it gets you out the house and doing something you love, well, Miss Parker, I am ready to put myself through this."

"I love you so much."

"And I love you. Now come on. Breakfast. We need to fuel up before we go smash that 10km."

"Pedro?"

"Yeah?"

"Come here." I beckoned him to my level. He bent down to my face. "I love you. But you're not doing 10km sweetie. Love the enthusiasm though." I kissed his lips tenderly. "Thank you."

"For what?" He seemed genuinely unsure of my words of gratitude.

"For being the best." My comment made his lip curls into a wide toothy grin. It was the most rewarding thing in the world to be able to make Pedro smile. And laugh.

"I'm proud of you." I did nothing to earn that praise from him. But Pedro being Pedro, understood how I'd been feeling lately. And to him, pushing through each day was enough to make him proud of me. I added it to the mental list I was making of reasons to push through this and get better for him. "Now, I'm gonna go start breakfast. I'll give you 10 more minutes to relax in bed. Then I'm coming for you." He kissed me on the forehead so sweetly. His hand ran over my hair as he smiled at me and left to make me breakfast.

Running with Pedro went exactly how I pictured it. We had to keep stopping because he had a stitch or would get out of breath. I heard him swear more times in that one run than I had the whole time I'd known him.

"You do this for fucking fun!? What's wrong with you?"

Was a personal favourite remark he'd made. It was safe to say 10km was not achieved. But I had fun. The fresh air, being in Pedro's company and seeing Pedro running released a tonne of serotonin for me. I felt the heavy weight I'd been carrying start to slowly roll off my shoulders.

When we got back to my apartment, I instructed Pedro to go shower and handed him a bottle of muscle relaxing shower gel to help soothe his pre-aching body. I knew he'd thank me for it later. He insisted that there were muscles he'd exercised today that he didn't know he had and would appreciate a hand in the shower to help him work out those knots. I knew this man just wanted to shower with me.

"You coming Eleanor?" I heard my name being shouted over the beating droplets of the shower water. I was just laying out our post shower clothes.

"Yeah coming." I replied and almost skipped to be with him. The shower was all glass, meaning I had the pleasure of seeing a naked Pedro exposed and framed. His body was beautiful. All wide shouldered and tiny waist. I envied him. Envied that he was perfect; both physically and internally. He turned around and caught me staring. I thought he was going to make a quirky comment but he didn't. He smiled and opened the glass door and offered his hand to help me in. I wondered why he didn't make a comment. I'd noticed that he didn't the whole time I'd been feeling low. I knew deep down that it was because he didn't want to cross boundaries. Didn't want to instigate anything whilst my mind was preoccupied and not in the right headspace. Because he didn't want me to feel like he was taking advantage. The thought of this man being so understanding and caring towards me in this way made me want him more than I ever did before. He turned me so I was under the water, and he got the bounce backs. Another sweet gesture. My skin prickled with the heat of the water making contact with my cold skin. I watch Pedro's skin prickle for the reverse effect. I reached behind and turned up the temperature dial, needing the water to be a little warmer for me.

"Are you trying to boil me again like last time?" He asked as I watched steam rise from our bodies. His comment made me laugh. He didn't take his eyes off mine as his hands rubbed the top of my shoulders. They weren't wandering over the curves and ditches of my body. I felt a sudden desire to want him all over me. I reached forward and skimmed my hands over his abdomen. "Hey, hey, no touching."

"Why?"

"If I have to be good, so do you."

"I didn't say you had to be good." I challenged. I watched him swallow hard as he brought me closer to him and hugged me under the rain of the shower head.

"I just want to look after you. Inside first. We have the rest of our lives to be doing that. But I just want to take care of you." His words were muffled by the beating of the water. I needed him. I looked up at him. Really looked at him. Into those beautiful chocolate eyes that glistened. Down to the mouth that was framed by a thick moustache and patchy beard. My eyes scanned his face, trying to memorise every little beauty mark and imperfection. Except, nothing about him was imperfect to me. "This is already hard enough. Please don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" I gasped, unable to steady my breathing. I needed him.

"Like you're so in love with me."

"I am so in love with you." I couldn't take it any longer. I leant up on my feet and brought my lips to within a centimetre from his, silently begging for him to kiss me. It was like my body was pumped full of air when he kissed me back. A rush of tears flooded my eyes and I was thankful they were being washed away as soon as they fell down my cheeks. Pedro grabbed my head in his hands and tenderly, but ravenously, kissed me. My arms found his waist as I kissed him back, enjoying every second of the feeling.

"I could spend the rest of my life kissing you. It makes me feel so good." He bit his lip when he momentarily pulled away. I felt embarrassed when he opened his eyes and looked at me. "Fuck, are you crying? What's wrong?" How did he even know? I was so sure the water has wiped away all evidence.

"I'm just, overwhelmed. I feel happy. All because of you. Thank you." I grabbed his head and kissed him harder, more urgent this time. My right hand moved from his waist and down to his crotch.

"You sure?" Pedro's voice was heavy and tentative.

"I want you. I always want you. Forever. My Pedro."

"My Eleanor." He kissed me again, light and lovingly. My hand found him and I gently started the motion of up and down his length. His whispery groan made me lose my head. I let my mouth and hand mirror a steady motion for a while before Pedro broke the kiss and whispered, "Let me have you." His hands found the back of my legs, "Put your legs around me, baby." I jumped into his arms. He pressed my back against the shower wall, which was icy against my skin and made my body shiver. "Sorry!" He giggled before he kissed me again. Pedro grabbed himself and slowly pushed himself into me. The feeling it stirred in me made me moan out involuntarily. I leant my head forward and rested it against his collarbone before he stilled. "No babe, look at me. Please."

"OK." I breathed as I looked at him in his gorgeous eyes. They glistened for me in a way that no one else had the privilege of getting. His hands remained under my bum, clasped together and keeping me pressed against the wall. "Is your back OK? I'm not too heavy?"

"You're fine, darling." He slowly pushed himself back into me, making me moan and throw my head forward again. "Look at me, Eleanor." I did as I was told. He continued to go at an excruciating pace, slow and soft. Each stroke was tender and full of love. My bowed my head again, unable to keep it upright because my body wanted to curl in on itself. "Eleanor, look at me babe." There was a giggle in his voice as he repeated himself.

"I can't, it feels so good. I'm trying my best."

"I know, I know you are." His tone made me realise he wasn't just talking about sex. "But I wanna look at you. I wanna see what I do to you. I want you to watch what you do to me." He'd started to thrust harder, the feeling of him needing more from me. I'd always romanticised my life because of the films I'd watched or the books I'd read. The way I'd walk down the street with my earphones in as if I was in a music video. Or how I'd read a book in a coffee shop like the main character who was waiting for something exciting to happen to her very mundane life. I'd read a thousand stories on how boy meets girl and they fell in love. I'd read the chapters where the girl could work out how much the boy loved her by the way they'd had sex. How she could tell they were making love and not just having sex. It always seemed cringey to me. And impossible. How could anyone think that the same activity with the same person could feel like two different experiences? Yet here I was, knowing I was making love for the first time in my life. Maybe it was in the way he held me. Or the way he looked at me. Or the tender way he was controlling my body. Maybe it was a mix of it all. It wasn't the first time, and I knew it wouldn't be the last, that Pedro made me feel like I was living a main character life.

"You're so beautiful, Eleanor. My god." He whispered as he pushed his forehead against mine. His eyes would crinkle when it felt so good, but he never closed his eyes or moved away. He stared at me the whole time like if he blinked he would lose me. His outward curving nose fit perfectly in the inward curve of my nose and I let myself believe that this was because we were made; physically, mentally and emotionally for each other. "I love you."

"I love you. My gorgeous man." My fingers found his hair as his hip thrust started to become harder and faster. We were both close. Both eyes and head locked to each other.

"I'm gonna cum baby."

"Me too." I whimpered as I moved and bit down into the flesh of his collarbone. Even his skin tasted sweet. He called my name as he came too. I added our collected orgasm to the ever piling reasons we were made for each other.

**************************************************

"I think this is gonna bruise." Pedro was shirtless in my bedroom. Dressed only in his pyjama pants. I wanted to screenshot that image of him.

"What?" I asked as I walked over to him. I followed the trail of his finger to where he was pointing to his collarbone. I saw the reminiscence of my teeth marks and a red mark on his beautiful skin. "Oh my god, Pedro! I'm so sorry!" The idea of leaving a mark on his body made me feel awful.

"Don't be." He pouted as he pulled his shirt over his head. "Eleanor, really it's fine." He'd noticed my internal battle of what I'd done to him.

"I don't like the idea of marking your body though. Or hurting you."

"Babe, it's not permanent. It's fine. It doesn't hurt. Besides, I think it's kinda hot that when I look in the mirror, I'll be reminded of the time I made you cum so hard you took it out on my collarbone."

"Hmmm, I'm not a fan. And I'm sorry for marking you." I twisted my face in disgust of my own behaviour.

For dinner, I made us a chicken stir-fry, which Pedro loved. For the first time in almost two weeks, I'd finished my dinner. Pedro did the dishes, even though I asked him to put them in the dishwasher. But he insisted it would be quicker for him to do in the sink, as we'd only used a saucepan and two places and once it was done, it was done. Rather than wait for the dishwasher to finish. He had a point. He asked me to choose a musical to watch together. Which shocked me, as that man hated collective singing. Musicals and karaoke machines were his enemy. Once I'd chosen The Greatest Showman, he asked if we could pamper each other.

"You know, this reminds me of one of our first evenings together. Do you remember?" He asked as he watched me bring my skincare basket out from the en-suite and into the living room.

"Ah yes. When you tried to soak us with my face mask?" The memories of him begging me to hurry up whilst I laughed uncontrollably flooded my mind.

"It feels so long ago now. It feels like you've been in my life for much longer than you have."

"I can't work out if that's a compliment or not." I chuckled as I fingered through my sheet masks to find ones tailored to our skin types. I settled for hydrating masks for us. We could never have too much hydration in L.A weather.

"A compliment! I feel like I've been happy for so long and it's all because of you, Eleanor." He smiled sweetly at me. My phone buzzed on the side of the sofa, making me jump. It was a notification from my bank.

Bank of America: A payment of $5880.00 has been paid into your account. This will show immediately in your available balance. To opt out of text messages, please reply STOP to 76643

"Pedro, do you have my bank details?" I asked, confused about the mysterious money being transferred to my account. It was an incredible amount of money.

"Probably, I can't remember. Why?" He was chewing on the corner of his mouth as he continued to scroll through his phone.

"Have you just transferred me some money?"

"Nope."

"Don't lie. Why are you sending me money?"

"I've not sent you any money. What's happened?"

"I've just had a payment sent to my bank account and it's a lot of money and I don't know where it's come from."

"How much money?" He locked his phone and put it on the side of the sofa.

"Almost $6000 dollars." I showed him the text message.

"Shit! Have you got a sugar daddy I don't know about?"

"Stop, Pedro. I know it's you. I'm going to send it you back."

"Eleanor, I promise it's not me." I couldn't work out if he was lying or not.

"I need you to tell me the truth otherwise I'm going to have to call the bank in the morning."

"I promise I'm telling you the truth. I haven't transferred you any money. I would, you know I would if you needed it. But I haven't. Look!" He tapped at his phone and turned it to show me. The screen was of his online banking, "My last payment out was Starbucks. The one before that was fuel for my car. Then my rent for the New York apartment. Nothing to you." He continued to talk but I stopped listening as I fixed on the screen. I couldn't get over the numbers I was seeing. The $7.29 Starbucks and $77.01 on fuel seemed so small compared to the $5126 on his rented apartment in New York and the number of digits in his available balance. There were too many digits it almost looked like a telephone number. It was at least 7 digits long. It made me uncomfortable so I looked away.

"I'm gonna have to call the bank." I absentmindedly opened my banking app, hoping for some clue. That's when I noticed it was sent from my work. What was going on? "It's from work. I'll text my manager." I opened my message thread with Josh and text him to ask if he knew why the money was being sent to my account. A few minutes later, he replied,

Josh Work: Oh that's your commission! Sorry, forgot to tell you that you should be expecting it soon. They realise commission every day quarter. You'll get your money from the Santa Monica deal in the next quarter, so just before Christmas x

Me: I didn't realise we got commission, I thought it would just go against our bonus scheme? Thank you x

Josh Work: yes, you get a bonus on top too. But that's not till March, at the end of the financial year. The way you're going lately, I think you'll get a tidy bonus too. X

"It was commission I got from my first deal at work." I told Pedro as I got to the bottom of it.

"Go Eleanor! Proud of you. What are you gonna spend it on?" He asked as he opened his arm up and silently asked me to go snuggle in next to him.

"Gonna spend every last penny of it on you. Spoil you for once."

"Go for it. I'll just transfer you the money right back. You earned it. You spend it on you."

"You spend your money on me and you earn that." I challenged as I cuddled in next to him. He smelt so good. Like clean linen, a little woody and Pedro. My Pedro.

"That's different." He kissed my head before he stared back at the TV.

"How so?"

"Just is." He winked at me as his right hand squeezed the top of my shoulder. "I think you should treat yourself to something nice. Maybe a new pair of trainers, seeing as you're always buying them."

"Maybe. I think I'll just save it for now."

"I'm gonna ask, and you can tell me to mind my own business, how much is in your savings?"

"About $40,000, so like £30000? Soon to be $45000."

"That's a lot of money."

"Yeah. I've worked since I was 16. It started off part time whilst I studied. Then I loved earning money so would help my Dad out at work on the evenings and he started to pay me by the hour. Then I quit my job because I was getting harassed by a guy at work and they did nothing about it and worked with my Dad on weekends too. I swear he paid me more than he was supposed to. Then after college, I worked with him full time. After a few years he introduced me to one of his property friends and I started at that company and have been there since. Every time I got my bonus I saved it. I've always been good with my money. I was very fortunate growing up, Dad earned enough so Mom could stay at home and we always had a nice house and nice holidays and nice presents. But they were humble in making sure we worked hard to get what we want. If we wanted something, we had to do chores. We had to learn the consequences of not having money if we didn't spend it wisely or didn't earn it. So I started saving mine so if I was naughty, which by the way never happened I was a golden child it was more so if Oli got me in trouble, I'd have money. Then I started to see the number grow and then became obsessed with saving it."

"That's a really good mentality to have. I had a similar childhood. My parents were quite fortunate, they worked so hard. My Dad was a fertility Doctor and my Mom a child psychiatrist, and they spoiled us. But when I wanted to do acting, I had to move to New York and I had nothing. Literally nothing. I made friends with a woman in this store and she would fucking feed me. I still see her now and now I get to feed her. A full circle moment."

"You are so sweet, Pedro."

"Hey, it's not me. I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for her."

"But she saw what we all see in you. You, you are someone everyone wants to see do well. You have so much support, in abundance, because you're such a kind person."

"Thanks baby, that's nice to hear." I kissed his chest through his shirt and cuddled my head into him. I could feel my eyes start to close when the buzzing of Pedro's phone on the arm of the chair shook my body through the vibrations. "Sorry." Pedro must have felt my body jump. "What are you doing in September? Well, September ninth?"

"I don't know off the top of my head, probably nothing?"

"I have a red carpet event I need to attend. It's in L.A, about 30 minutes from here and it's on a Friday. Would you like to come?"

"Urm, I dunno-"

"If you don't want to, I understand. I know you're not into that kind of thing. I just wanted to ask, cos it would be nice to have you on my arm."

"If you want me there, I'll come."

"I don't want to pressure you."

"You're not. You always take interest in my work. I want to be present for yours. I'll come. But you have to help me find a dress."

"Deal. I'm excited. I'll send you a calendar invite so you don't forget." He kissed my head. I lay my head against his chest again and started to think about what the hell I was going to wear.

***************************************************Weeks had passed by in a blur. Pedro and I were both busy with work. He had to go away for two weeks to England. I was jealous that he was closer to my family than I was. Dad had been in London with work the same weekend and they spent one night together. They went out for a meal and drinks. I found out by texts from both of them, telling me how much they'd enjoyed themselves and how much they liked each other. And by so many tagged articles on Instagram of paparazzi catching the two of them hugging coming out of a bar. They claimed our relationship was 'serious' now, as Pedro and my Dad were hanging out. Though it had been serious of us for some time. Dad had also text me the following week to say his friends couldn't believe he had made headline news online.

Pedro had arranged for me to meet his stylist ahead of the red carpet event next week. I'd never met him before but Pedro reassured me he was lovely and would be able to find me something I loved. I pushed open the small door of the boutique. A tall woman stood behind a desk. She wore a black pin stripe suit with a white satin shirt. Her long black hair was pin straight and glossy, not a single dead end in sight. It made me realise I needed a haircut before the event.

"Hello. I have an appointment with Julie. My name is Eleanor Parker." I smiled sheepishly at the intimidatingly perfect woman.

"Of course, Miss Parker. Just a moment." She tapped on the keyboard and within seconds, who I presumed was Julie came bouncing around the corner.

"Eleanor?" He grinned at me as I nodded my head. He gripped my shoulders and placed a small kiss on each of my cheeks. "You are as beautiful as Pedro promised. I cannot wait to dress you up." His Spanish accent made his compliments evermore charming. We talked for a short while about things I was comfortable with; silhouettes and materials, what colours I liked to wear and how much skin I would be willing to show. I was pretty open to anything, wanting him to surprise me with a dress not even my imagination could create.

"What do you think of this?" He asked as he held up a netted black gown. The top half of the dress was pretty sheer, and knowing my luck, I wondered if it would surely cause a malfunction on the red carpet.

"It's so gorgeous. But I'm not sure I'd do it justice." I let my fingers run over the better material. For lace, it was incredibly soft.

"Oh stop, this dress was made for you. I think you should try it." I ran my fingers over the sheer material and I wondered what Pedro would make of it. I googled the pictures of the dresses and sent them over to Pedro.

Me: Which dress? Dress 1.

Me: or dress 2?

Within a few seconds, Pedro replied,

Pedro: I like them both. Try them on. Think I prefer the second one. Very classy. Not sure how I feel about having my girlfriends nipples on show in the first one xx

His comment made me laugh. 

I tried on both dresses and instantly fell in love with the second one. Pedro would be happy, no nipples on show from me. I text him a picture of me in the dress for his approval.

Pedro: my god

Pedro: you look incredible 🥵

Pedro: Luckiest. Man. Ever.

Me: I should hope so for the $1200 it costs 😢

Me: Didn't realise it was a designer boutique!! good job I got that bonus isn't it!?

Me: no, I don't want you to pay for it thank you x

Pedro: you're not paying for it

Before I could reply,

Pedro: I'm not paying for it. It's free. Red Carpet outfits = free

Pedro: Do we need to go grocery shopping tonight?

The idea of an expensive dress being free made me uncomfortable. The feeling exhilarated when it came to me signing for the dress and being told I could go and collect it in 2 days. No payment was taken. **************************************************

"I'm so nervous." I could feel my body vibrate as the anxiety kicked in. "I don't even like having my photo taken."

"You look so beautiful, Eleanor." Pedro purposely didn't address my comments about having my photo taken. He didn't want me to talk about it so he was trying to change the subject to make me feel better. "You ready?" I could see the cameras all lined up, poised and ready. The white noise of paparazzi and the media screaming for celebrities look like in every direction to get their golden shot. Then it was our turn.

Pedro was a natural. He stood up straight and tall. His chin held high. A small smile plastered across his face. His black rimmed glasses sat atop his nose, framing those twinkling eyes that reflected the golden glow from the camera shots. I tried to be like him. I tried to feel natural in front of the cameras.

"You know," Pedro leaned in to my ear quickly, "I get nervous too. That's why my hand is here. I put it here cos that's where my anxiety is." I handed noticed till he pointed it out but his right hand clutched the middle of his chest. Without thinking, I dug my hand under his and rested it in the spot where his anxiety was, hoping my touch could make him calmer. He rested his hand down over mine and smiled at me lovingly. "Thank you." He squeezed my lower back. We walked a little further down the carpet and had to stop again for photos. I was quickly getting used to not being able to see the faces behind the cameras, the flashing was too bright and too often that it became an orange screen. I'd become too fixed on the orange glow that my eyes started to hurt, so I looked up at Pedro who was already looking at me. His lips bent down in a happy frown.

"What?"

"I feel like I'm gonna cry." I noticed his eyes had started to water.

"What? Why?" My hand found his anxiety spot again, hoping that my touch could make him feel better. He grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles. He didn't care about the millions of people who would see this moment captured on screens around the world.

"I'm so fucking proud of you. And you look beautiful, Eleanor. And you're here with me, on my arm. I'm really proud to show you off."

"Pedro!" His sweet words melted me to the core.

"And every fucker in there is gonna wanna take you home but you'll be coming home with me." He arrogantly smirked. His comment made me belly laugh.

"You're so silly. Like I'd look at anyone but you. I don't think I've ever fancied you so much. You look so handsome."

The night had gone against all my expectations and had been so much fun. I thought it was going to be me following Pedro round like a lost puppy, too nervous to speak to anyone there. Especially a room full of A-List celebrities. But I found myself mingling well and making connections, even without Pedro. I'd managed to catchup with Bella and Sarah, and they were so lovely with me. I'd been talking to Bella for the past 45 minutes, but it felt like minutes. They were so easy to talk to.

"Pedro's been staring at us for the last 10 minutes, I think he's getting jealous." Bella tilted their head over my shoulder. Lo and behold, Pedro was at the bar staring at us. He raised his hand and goofily waved to us as he sipped his beer.

"I'll go check in on him. You coming?" I asked Bella. They looked so beautiful in a black tux with their hair tied back in a slick ponytail.

"I need to go find Felix. But I'll come grab you both soon." I hugged them and moved over to Pedro.

"You look so fucking good." He pouted his lips as he drank me in. His look alone made me wanna go feral but his hands on my body drove me crazy. "I've had people come up to me all night and say how great you are. How beautiful you are. I've been watching you. Being a kind, nice human comes naturally to you. Everyone is drawn to you. At one point, you had a queue of people waiting to speak to you."

"Stop, don't lie to me."

"Eleanor! I wouldn't lie to you." He seemed genuinely upset that I'd accused him of such a thing. "You are beautiful. We all know it. I had some fucking guy I don't know ask me what his chances were of you giving him your number."

"You what?" I took his beer off him and swigged from his bottle. The gesture made his eyes darkened as he licked his lips. It turned him on.

"Some idiot started fucking talking to me and he noticed I was watching you. You were talking to Andrew Garfield, which by the way, I noticed. Just cos you met him first, it's not happening. He's had his chance. You fell for me. You're mine." He kissed my forehead. "Anyway, this fucking guy said "yeah man, I'd stare too. She's hot. I've been watching her too. Reckon she'll give me her number? You reckon she'll be up for coming home with me?" Even retelling the story, I could see how jealous he was. "So I said, "I don't know man I think she'll be going home with her boyfriend" And this guy goes "oh, she's got a man?" And I felt so fucking smug when I said, "yeah she has, me." You should have seen his face."

"Hi. I'm so sorry to interrupt." Some petite blonde woman wedged herself between us. I smiled at Pedro to let him know I was OK with this woman wanting his attention. "I'm Lauren. Hi Pedro." She grinned at Pedro, but not in a sleazy way. "It's Eleanor, right?" She turned her attention to me and offered out her hand. Something she hadn't done with Pedro. I didn't think much of it.

"Yes. Lovely to meet you, Lauren." I returned the handshake.

"Likewise. Eleanor, I'm so sorry to interrupt but I'm leaving soon and I was wondering if I could leave you my business card?" She pulled out a slick black card with gold foil writing on. I ran my thumb over the letters that were etched into the card, 'MGT Management' along with her contact details. "I'm not sure if you'd be interested, but I'd really like to ask you to come shoot with us."

"Shoot with you?" I asked confused, as I flipped over the business card and saw it was a modelling agency. "Oh, sorry. I'm not a model."

"Well you absolutely should be. Have you seen you?" She laughed as she nudged Pedro, encouraging him to take her side. He nodded his head in agreement and beamed at me. "Without sounding like a stalker, I did do a google search of you before I came over to see if you had already done modelling or with an agent and I couldn't find anything. But I really think you'd be amazing. And, and we can find whatever you're comfortable with. High street fashion, sportswear, catwalk, you know maybe even lingerie modelling." Pedro had froze with his beer mid way to his mouth and stared at me. I tried my best not to laugh. "It's whatever you'd be comfortable with."

"I'm not sure. I've never done anything like this before and I wouldn't know where to start. And I'm not really model-"

"Nonsense! I get this might have been surprising for you. But maybe we can grab a coffee soon? And I can answer any questions you'd have?" I looked away from Lauren and over to Pedro who silently encouraged me to go for it.

"Sure. OK, yeah. I'll think about it and we can grab coffee."

"Ah amazing! Thank you. I really do need to go but I couldn't not try and come speak with you. Right, you have my details. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a good night both." She blew a kiss as he left us.

"Wow." I uttered under my breath. I took a look at the slick card in my hands again then up to Pedro.

"My girlfriend's a model. I'm dating a model!" He grinned at me as he punched the air. "Where's that asshole from earlier gone? I need to tell him I'm dating a model."

***************************************************The year rolled around quickly and before I knew it, it was Christmas. I asked Pedro what his plans for Christmas were and he said he would see his family at some point but hadn't made plans as Javiera was at her in-laws for Christmas Day and they needed to find time all together. I invited him to spend Christmas with us in England and he accepted. In return, we were to fly home in the time between Christmas and New Year, spend New Year in L.A and visit his family shortly after. I silently vowed that next Christmas, we would spend it at Pedro's. It was only fair.

"I can't believe how big you are now, baby." I was sat on the floor of the living room with Theo. He was 7 months old. He could sit up by himself. He could smile and put his own foot in his mouth. He had a mass of brown hair forming of his head. He was gorgeous. And I loved him with every single part of me. Jess and Oli were at their home, spending their Christmas Eve late afternoon wrapping Theo's last minute gifts. I was looking after Theo. Pedro had gone with Dad food shopping for last minute bits before the shops closed for the festive break. I hated food shopping at the best of times, so Christmas food shopping was hell to me. Pedro graciously offered to help out when I sighed when Dad asked. They'd been gone almost an hour when the key in the front door got our attention. "Who's that? Is that Grandad and Uncle Pedro?" Uncle Pedro. Would my heart always swell hearing those words?

I heard them go straight into the kitchen ready to unload the delicious Christmas goods. I picked Theo up and sat him on my hip and walked into the kitchen.

"Hey love." Dad grinned as he saw us enter. Several food bags lined the counter top. Way too many.

"I thought we had pretty much everything we needed?" I asked as I prized my eyes away from the food and looked at the man beside me. Who wore a green jumper, jeans and a Canada Goose jacket. Who's unruly hair bounced off in every direction from under his cap. Who stared at me with his mesmerising chocolate eyes framed by his glasses. His cheeks were rosy from the bitter frost outside. "Hey you." I leant up on my toes to place a kiss on his lips. "God you're freezing."

"I'm not used to these cold weathers at Christmas. It's, nice. It feels like real Christmas." His hand rested on the back of my neck as he leant down and kissed me again. "Let me help you get all this away." Pedro started to unpack everything.

"Another 4 bottles of Baileys?" I questioned as I saw Dad unload a carrier bag.

"Yeah, I know what you're like. You'll probably plough through those yourself." Dad scoffed as he put them into the alcohol stand. "Have a world with your boyfriend will you, Eleanor?"

"Why? What's he done now?" I asked but didn't need to. He'd paid for the shopping.

"He's paid for all of this shopping." Told you.

"It was a thank you for having me this Christmas." Pedro was unloading box after box into the side, still trying to figure out where everything went.

"You're part of the family, Pedro. You don't have to pay me to be here. Whilst you're under my roof, I'll take care of you." Dad tapped Pedro on the shoulder and in unison, they smiled at each other and hugged. My heart. "I'll take care of all of you. Especially this one." Dad pinched at Theo's pinchable chubby cheek. "Are you excited for Santa to come?" Dad asked Theo. The adult, rational part of me wanted to roll out a sarcastic comment like, 'Of course not. He's a baby. He doesn't remember what he did 10 minutes ago. He'll never remember this Christmas.' But having a baby in the family and being around a baby made me realise that these things are absolutely normal things to say to a baby.

Later that evening, Oli and Jess returned home so we could spend Christmas Eve together. Unbeknownst to Pedro, Dad and Oli, we'd got everyone matching pyjamas. Including Ziggy. Whilst everyone was dressed in red plaid pyjamas, we played games over Christmas music, drank and ate delicious foods. We each shared our secret Santa Christmas Eve gift. I had gotten Jess this year and brought her a silver necklace with T on for Theo's initial. She loved it. Dad had gotten Pedro and brought him a new cap, which Pedro really loved. It made my heart burst. Before putting Theo down for the night, we took a family photo to treasure forever. Dad in the middle, holding Theo with Ziggy at his feet. Me and Oli either side of them, hugging them. Then Pedro on my right and Jess of the left of Oli. It was my favourite photo ever. When I uploaded it to Instagram with the caption,

Merry Christmas from me and my family to you and yours🎄

I received a tone of comments from Pedro's fans to say how cute we were, how beautiful Theo was. But the majority, of course, were fangirling over Pedro in his pyjamas. Of which, when we climbed into bed, I spent at least 5 minutes reading them out to him.

"'Pedro wearing matching Christmas pyjamas with his in-laws was not on my 2023 bingo card but I am so here for it. Yaaaaas Pedrito, slay queen.' I think that's my favourite comment so far." I read it out to him, whilst he chuckled out loud. "Don't you find it crazy that you have fans? Like millions of people around the world adore you and just love you so much that you in a pair of pyjamas makes their whole year?"

"I'm still trying to process it all." He commented as he took off his glasses and put them on the bedside table. He'd swapped the button down pyjama shirt for a white T-shirt because he didn't like to sleep in a long sleeve shirt. But the pyjama pants were still worn. "Enough now, put your phone down and cuddle with me please." His large hand tapped my phone, encouraging me that screen time was over. I put my phone on charge and settled into bed. Home Alone played on the TV but neither of us were particularly interested. "This evening has been so nice. You have a great family. It's so cute watching you all. And I love being part of your traditions."

"You're one of us now." I kissed his chest through his T-shirt and found myself having to clench my body after a sudden urge of needing him ran through me.

"This is the life I've always dreamt of having but never thought it would happen to me. So thank you." I felt his moustached mouth plant a kiss on my head. "You know?" There was a gap between words, so I lifted my head up to see what he would say next. "I've never wanted to be a Dad and I know we keep having this conversation, but when I see you with Theo, I dunno something just stirs in me."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, I dunno, I guess it makes me think about having kids with you. You look so natural. And it, it's nice seeing you with him. Earlier, when you had him on your hip and you were dancing to Merry Christmas Everyone and you were both giggling, I, I loved that. I could watch that all day every day. I couldn't stop smiling. And then I thought about how you'd be with my baby. What a wonderful mom you'd be. And how lucky our child would be. Don't-" Pedro could tell I was about to interrupt, "I know you don't want kids, I don't either, I'm just saying. So you know, please don't feel like this is me trying to talk you into anything cos it isn't. I'm just saying, it makes me wanna put a baby in you." I kissed him. Because I didn't know what to say. Because part of me had started to think about having children. And that part of me wanted his children. But he didn't. And these were just thoughts he had because Theo was a cute baby. And when we wasn't around Theo, he'd lose them again. So I kissed him.

**************************************************The best Christmas Day ever. My heart was so full. But I couldn't shake off the feeling that had been looming over me since we landed. The feeling swept through my body like a dark heavy lead, poisoning me. I turned to look at Pedro and my heart broke. He was playing with Theo, who was sat on the floor at Oli's feet. Theo and Pedro were playing with a JellyCat Theo had got for Christmas. For a man who didn't want children, being paternal came so naturally to him. A loose curl had fallen onto his forehead and made me swoon a little harder for him. The face splitting grin he bared made me fancy him so much it physically hurt. Pedro turned his head to look at me, probably feeling me watching him. He winked once, slowly and sultry before he pouted his moustached lips and blew a kiss at me. How could I leave this man? I hated that I'd spend the next few months trying to figure it out. But I couldn't do this again. I needed to stay home. I was leaving L.A and coming home to England.