25; his own brain is killing him

Just to clarify; Elias knows he's dying before the doctor gives him the diagnosis.

If he's honest with himself, Elias knew he was dying the minute Adeline tried to contact him when he first came to Forks- he just tried to remain optimistic.

And then he fell in love with someone who was dead.

James had happened, Elias lived, yet presence of death hung to him like a shadow. It's why Elias really thought about turning into a vampire- that constant worry, the tick tock in the back of his mind- he felt his own time running out- or maybe that's normal when you're a human in love with an immortal.

So the idea of immortality became more appealing with everyday, and when offered again, Elias decided he'd take his own fate, he'll get to choose his own death this time with and for the one he loves- meaning Adeline was right, Benji was right, back then he was a dead man walking.

Until he left, leaving Elias human, heartbroken and alive.

For the minute. Because the prospect of Adelines prediction still haunted him, because his choice of death had been snatched away from him, but he hadn't been snatched away from death.

"I'm sorry I had to leave," Bella apologies in a wobbly voice. She's sat at the edge of Eli's hospital bed, clad in her soft brown clothes and her big shiny eyes, she stands out against the white walls of the hospital room. But her own small hands blend in as they clenched around Eli's larger pale one.

It's been almost a week since the seizure at her house. The first few days were a blur of tests and scans and worrying. Each morning he'd wake up in the uncomfortable Forks hospital bed more anxious than the last day wondering what the hell was happening.

Finally, on the fifth day the doctors gathered enough information to deliver the bad news.

"It's okay," he reassures. She'd been there yesterday, just before the doctors came in. Their faces showed with the bad news before a word could come out there mouth. Elias had sent her and Eaton out before anyone could say anything. "There was a lot of crying and shouting after you left, you wouldn't have liked it."

Bella winces, her bottom lip wobbling. She sniffles and when she looks up at him again her eyes are glazed with tears, "How bad is it?"

Elias has to look away from her, not having the strength to keep it together if he watches her cry. He catches the MRI scan peaking out of a file on the bedside table and feels a wave of disgust roll over the sadness.

The doctors words tumble out Eli's  mouth, robotic and detached. "I have two grade four malignant tumours. One of them is too close to my brain stem to operate on, the other is in my frontal lobe but they've theorised even if they did do surgery, I'd have too many complications and would probably die on the table."

Bellas hands tremor and a cry falls quirky out of her lips, as if she's trying to hold it in. Elias looks back at her, gripping her harder, as if it will keep himself from falling apart, or her... he didn't like pain, but he hated seeing her in pain more.

"There's a lot of things I didn't really understand, I'm pretty sure I lost my hearing for a while," he smiles animatedly, as if it's a joke, because he's not sure what else to do in the situation. He just wants her to stop crying, he doesn't like the sight of it.

"There must be something we can do?" She begs, up on her feet suddenly as she paces the room. She speaks again and it's as if she's alone, her thoughts echoing around the four walls through her mouth. "There must be a doctor, there's always some other option. A specialist, maybe, that can help you, you can't just die, you-" the words stop as she clutches her throat, like she can't breathe.

"Bella," Elias calls her name in a demand. He leans over the bed, as best as he can with the wires attached to the different parts of his skin from all the machines monitoring him. It only take a small tug on her jacket until she's coming over to him, her body weakly collapsing into him.

He moves her around like he used to when she had a nightmare and was incapable of moving herself- for the first few minutes anyway. He cradles her to his chest, her knees automatically coming up until she's a small ball pressed into his body. "Breathe Bella, I'm okay. I'm right here, breathe," he murmurs, over and over.

"You're my best friend," she sobs, and he feels the tears form her eyes on the thin material of the hospital gown he's wearing before she pulls her head up to see him. She looks as broken as Elias feels, "you can't just leave me, we have some much to do together-"

"-It's going to be okay, we'll figure something out," he promises, though he knows it's a lie. They both do, deep down.

Sitting there, holding her and holding himself together, he feels as hopeless as he did back in the ballet studio, staring down the powerful predator knowing he can't do anything. Only this time it's a brain tumour he's fighting. There's no death only seconds away- this is more drawn out, more agonisingly slow and intimidating.

It takes a while for them both to calm down, or at least not be hysterical as they sort their thoughts out. Elias rests his head on her head, breathing in her comforting lavender scent that's permanently etched into his brain as Bellas scent.

"How are you?" He asks, voice quiet to not break the peaceful atmosphere. Or silent atmosphere, more like. He doubted both of them felt any sort of peace, not since they left.

"Lonely," she replies instantly, because this is her best friend and she'll always tell him what's really happening. "Especially now I don't wake up to you snoring."

"I do not snore," Eli grumbles, laughing into her hair, liking the way it eases the heaviness of his chest, "don't be rude."

"You do snore. Worse than Charlie. I don't think I'd ever miss it in my life but now-" she cuts herself off, and Elias feels how she stiffens in his arms. He knows what dark path she's directed herself down and goes to speak when she utters in the most of broken of voices, "I thought I'd always have you forever... everyone else leaves, but you always stay."

For the first time in his life... he doesn't know what to say. He can't grasp a single sentence or word that could ever bring her up again... because he'd felt the exact same way- everyone is always leaving but Bella is his constant, his rock.

If Elias Sherwood was fire, Bella Swan was the fuel that kept the flames going.

Bella sits up and away from Elias, making him frown. Her face isn't distraught anymore, it's determined. "What if we both find Victoria or Laurent," she starts planning, not like before- the panicked kind that started accidentally. This is strategic and ready to do anything. He'd seen this face before- the time they were running from James, ready to do anything to save everybody. "Those wolves must be dead now and they're hunting us, what if we find them and-"

"-and they'll kill you in the process of turning me," Elias speaks with a flabbergasted frown. Even if they could wonder around and find the pair of vampires- they'd kill her and then get to Elias for the second part of their revenge. He could see it now with his too dark imagination- him overpowered, forced to watch the only creature on this earth that could save him, kill his sister.

"We both know that, Bella," he speaks with shiver of terror, wondering what the hell she was thinking.

Her lips purse. "I don't care being a martyr," she declares without a doubt.

"Well I do," Elias snaps at her, feeling the start of spark against his skin. "Don't you dare speak like that," he warns.

Bella just narrows her eyes back at him. "I'm talking hypothetically," she defends herself, though it's less determined from his upset reaction.

Elias thinks about it- hypothetically. Even if there was a way to have that life...he'd be all alone, or worse- with other nomad vampires since they had gone and left. He wouldn't be able to be around Bella, not at the beginning, not without the chance of hurting her since she was human...

"Hypothetically speaking," Elias starts, feeling his expression soften, "if that opportunity did arise, I wouldn't want that life now...not unless you were with me at least, now without..."

Wavy blond hair and a beautiful face comes to Eli's mind. It hurts, like always, but now less anger comes to the surface. Maybe because he knew he didn't have a long life of suffering and asking why Jasper had left- maybe now all he had left were the memories and clinging to the raw painful ache that came with them.

Elias couldn't have him physically, so he'd settle with the pain of not having him instead.

"No Elle," Bella snaps, as fiery sounding as he was a moment ago. "That's not a deal. If you could turn, don't think about me, just-

"-would you leave me behind, if the roles were reversed?" Eli asks, though even he knows it's rhetorical. Her fury crumples, showing exactly how right he is- they wouldn't leave each other, not if they had the choice.

"Anyway," Eli reminds, forcing his tone to be light as he gives her a smirk, like they're not talking about finding one psycho vampire to turn them into a vampire, "this is all hypothetical, remember."

"I'm not going to give up," she declares, as stubborn as ever as she rises her head up, "I'll think of something to save you Eli."

Elias starts to sigh, but it turns into a yawn since he's so tired- it's a feeling he's used to a lot in the last week. There was so many emotions and many people crying around him, so much shit happening he couldn't fix.

Bella catches the yawn and notices the bags under his eyes and smiles sadly. "I'll be back tomorrow, you get some sleep Eli," she promises, standing on wobbly legs. She leans over him, pressing her lips into his cheek.

Eli nods, wanting her to stay but knows she won't- she'll be up all night looking for help for him in books and other things. She's determined like that. "Don't do anything stupid," he warns her seriously, smiling as she rolls her eyes.

"I love you," she tuts as she leaves, like it's a bad thing.

"I love ya too, dickhead," he calls after her with a smile, liking how her lips twitch up for the first time in a true show of happiness.

As soon as the door clicks shut, as the silence becomes uncomfortably loud as he's alone again, and the smile falls as quickly as it came.

The hospital room doesn't offer much distraction- its only four walls, a seat across from him, too much machinery near his a bed that has rails on- just in case Elias has another seizure and rolls off. So as Elias sits back and closes his eyes to try catch some sleep, he's left with his thoughts and the dread of knowing his own brain is killing him.

He'd accepted death a long time ago. He just never thought it'd be like this.

It's a few hours later (after multiple nurses and doctors rotate in and check on him and all the machines he's hooked up to) Elias is laid on his side, watching the moon from the only tiny window available. He can't sleep, not with the new nightmare thats plaguing his dreams.

He's trying to figure out how he feels about everything- and funnily enough he doesn't feel sad, not for himself. Death is easy, you may panic going into it but afterwards it's just nothingness as far as he's concerned... it's the people who are left behind who have to deal with everything.

That's what hurts the most.

There's other problems too- Jace and Jake haven't called. They don't know about Elias. No one outside his and Bella's family do. There's the fact there's two vampires out there at the moment- those wolves, no matter the size- were no match for a vampire and all it's power. Surely. So that meant two vampires looking for Elias and Bella...

And there's the thought of Jasper...

Elias almost laughs, I guess I'll never know why you left me, he thinks. Though he knew from the beginning he'd probably never know. Did you love me too much, or not enough? Was I unworthy of you like I worried about? Will you mourn for me when I'm gone? How will you ever realise I've passed? Will it cause you pain? I hope you don't and I hope you do.

Elias does laugh this time, especially as he wishes he'd brought one of his black books with him. Maybe he'd write about how he feels like a character out of the Shakespeare plays they used to watch for class. I think of my beloved, deathly and hollow, and as I breathe for the life and love only you can bring me, I curse your name for departing from me for reasons unknown.

The lights flick on the same time the door swings open, tearing Elias from his thoughts and his eyes away from the dim moon outside. Elias winces, shielding his eyes from the bright light with one of his hands.

"Do you have a headache?" His mom asks instantly, rushing across the room, checking over him with wide blue eyes.

"No," he groans, sitting upwards in the bed, "You just turned the lights on when I was almost asleep."

The news doesn't help her panic. "But do you feel sick? Are you aching anywhere? I can tell the nurse to bring in some pain-" she cuts herself off as she presses the back of her hand on Eli's forehead- his unnaturally warm body had been a problem whilst here, "You're burning up, I should call a nurse."

"Mom-" Elias calls, pulling her back by her wrist as she goes to turn around. "I've had my hands on my face, that's why I'm warm. Check now," he urges through a lie, forcing his own body temperature to lower. It's a trick he can't do for long, it tires him much more than conjuring heat, but it's better than explaining why he's so warm he should technically be dying.

Well, more than he is.

Cassandra purses her lips, pressing her hand onto his skin again- cool and smooth. She doesn't look convinced despite it- though she's had that on edge look since the moment she rushed to the hospital.

"I'm fine mom," he assures, like a broken record... they both know it's far from the truth.

"We're looking into our options Elias, I just came back from a consultation with another doctor and he said..." her encouragement wavers and the wrinkles near her eyes deepen. "Well it doesn't matter what he says," she brushes off. "I'm talking to other doctors, too, we'll put you on medication, radiotherapy, chemotherapy, I'll give you my own brain if it comes down to it. We'll figure something out."

Everyone keeps saying that, he realises. It makes his heart sink each time- because this isn't a cold. It's a death sentence.

"Elle!" A younger voice shouts, running into the room.

"I was wondering where you were!" Elias greets happily, glad for the distraction. He leans down and picks Easton up under his arms, setting him on the bed. He's tall enough to reach up himself, but Elias always likes babying the kid. "How are you? How was school?"

"It was good, we learnt about the galaxy again. Did you know a million earths could fit inside the sun? It's looks so tiny up in the sky," Easton gushes, cheeks pink and eyes wide. He'd always loved the solar system.

Eli feels his brows rise genuinely. "I didn't know that, actually," he tells.

Easton nods, chocolate curls bouncing around. "I tried making a massive clay sun in art but taking the clay from boy sat next to me, but the teacher shouted at me for stealing other people's things." Easton grins mischievously, crossing his legs over Indian style like his brother is.

Eli leans closer to him, eyeing where is mom is- she's on her phone texting- but he still drops his voice into a whisper. "Next time just take small amounts from everyone so she can't notice."

Easton makes a 'oooh', like he hadn't thought of that. "I will," he hushes.

Apparently they aren't quiet enough since his mom directs a quick, "Don't steal things Easton and don't encourage your brother to steal Elias," which makes Easton blush and look guilty. Elias simply winks at his brother, causing his guilt to turn to giggles.

"So, did you get to paint the sun?" Eli asks on, since the change of conversation into something normal feels relaxing.

"Yeah. It's so hard to get the right shade. I tried making it shine with this gloss but it kept coming out pink. So I put more in and it went like a..."he looks around the room for something to compare it to. Then he lurches forward, bringing Eli's wrist up, where a blood red medical ID bracelet is wrapped around his wrist, "Like this colour!"

"I'm sure it'll still look great kid," Elias purrs in encouragement, hiding the words on the bracelet incase Easton reads it.

Easton beams at his brother, "I'll bring it to you so you can see," he promises. And this time when he leans forward to whisper, it's quieter than before so it's just between them. "Mom says you might have to be here for a while since you're sick."

Elias grins, though it feels forced- Easton didn't need to know everything just yet. Elias doesn't want the kid worrying. "I'll probably be here for a while," he tells, and to keep him distracted from the fact, he adds, "unless you want to help me sneak out."

Easton's excitement reminds Elias of the moon shining- bright and cool and calming. "The same way we used to sneak into uncle Benjis house?" He checks.

Cassandra stands up as her phone rings. "I don't know what you're both whispering about but I don't like it," she gives them a pointed look as she leaves the room, "I have to take this. Behave."

Easton giggles to himself as she goes, and Elias feels his chest lighten at the sound. It all feels okay when someone is laughing.

•••

Elias has another seizure, and it sucks. He knows he'll have them- it's why he has the medical ID telling people, just incase he's ever alone and it happens- like that'll happen.

This ones exactly like the other- the cold numbing feeling in his fingers that travels up his arms until his body locks, the confusion and being unconscious. When he wakes up- always a minute later so far- he's disoriented and his head hurts like someone took a brick to it.

This time, he's alone; well, he is until the wires attached to his temple alert staff on what's happening. By the time he's awake agin, he's tired, scared and absolutely done with being in the familiar hospital room.

"You've not had it easy, have you son?" David murmurs as soon as the nurse leaves from giving Elias his anti-headache and his anti-seizure medication. He's on the chair across the room and the way he lounges on it shows how tired he is.

The sympathetic tone his dad uses makes Eli wince. Everyone is so sympathetic and sad and worried and Elias is sick of it.

"How's mom?" Eli asks instead, because he's never liked the attention on him. "She seemed alright earlier, but she kept leaving to answer different phone calls from different doctors and every-time she came back she had that weird wax smile on her face."

David snorts a chuckle. "She's never been good at faking a smile," he admits.

He shrugs, leaning back in the armchair even more. He's been there for hours now, refusing to leave after last nights episode. "She's upset, as you'd imagine. We both are, this tumour-" he spits that word almost, "-it came out of nowhere."

Elias shakes his head. "There's nothing anyone could have done," he declares, strongly, since the guilt shows of David's face as much as the stubble lines his jaw.

His dad swallows roughly. "We all noticed your headaches and the throwing up but we-"

"-thought I was pregnant?" Eli chides, rising a cocky eyebrow.

The use of humour doesn't diminish his dads original statement. "We thought it wasn't serious," he sighs.

The irony of his words is dark but it brings subject to what Elias wants to say next. "Hey dad, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," David answers straight away, and something of Eli's face must show he's serious because he sits up on the chair.

"I want you to be honest," Eli warns, grey eyes connecting to blue, "What are they really saying? No bullshit and white lies. Tell me what all the doctors are saying."

David's never really been an emotional man- anger, frustration and sarcasm is easy, because they're a mask to what's on the inside. Elias had gotten that after him. There's only been a handful of times Eli's saw his dad cry, or upset, and all of them are because of his kids.

This is one of them.

"It's not good, at all," he starts shakily, hands clenched together. Elias wants to comfort him, but he's attached to the machines behind him and he can't really move more than a few feet. "I keep hoping that if we go to another doctor, they might see something the others haven't, or have a program that can help, that they might know a little more, I just want-"

David cuts himself off abruptly, all of his large body tensing. "Screw what I want," he scoffs out angrily, looking up at Elias with strong eyes, "What do you want? We've been here all this time and we haven't asked you anything."

His answers instant.

"I don't want treatment," Eli says through trembling lips. His dad opens his mouth and Elias holds a hand up quickly. "Dr Snow explained that whilst it might stop or slow the growth of the tumours, it won't get rid of them. After a while, or maybe straight away, it will be for nothing and I'll just get the side effects and nothing positive. I don't want that, I don't want-" a strangled sound escapes his mouth, the feelings he's pushing down finally try coming up.

David's arm is around Eli instantly. The softness his dad shows only intensifies how serious everything is. The Sherwood men aren't huggers. "What do you want?" He asks again.

"To live," Eli says instantly, as a reflex, because it's true. Months back he was ready to give up his life for the right person, and now he's not here, Elias has to change plans. "I want to spend the rest of my healthily days living to the best of my ability. I don't want anymore time in a hospital room, or getting injected with a bunch of weird medicine that's going to make me not feel like myself."

David stiffens, "Are you sure?" He checks, his tone unsure.

Elias nods. "If I have a limited amount of time left, it's not going to be spent in a hospital room," he shudders.

"Your mother won't be pleased," David says straight away, but he's not denying Eli's request and that makes him more confident.

"It's my choice. I'm eighteen, if she tries forcing me, then I don't know, I'll walk out or something," he shrugs, swallowing his own discomfort at the statement.

David cracks a smile, making him look ten years younger. "You're my son alright," he laughs quietly, patting Eli's arm. "I'll talk to your mother, and the doctors. We'll set up a plan for you."

"I love you," Elias grins, mentally adding, and I'm sorry for all the shit I've put you through.

David laughs again, "I love you too," he pushes Eli to lay back onto the bed again. "Now try get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning."

Elias likes to say he slept soundly that night knowing that tomorrow would be a brighter day- the possibility of leaving the damn hospital was as good news as any- but as soon as his eyes closed, a feral face tore into his dreams. Victoria.

When he woke, another person was feral and in his face- though this woman was less lethal and human- it wasn't a nice way to wake up. It should have been a sign that the day was going to be a shit one- no one can take Cassandra Sherwood arguing with them about wanting to leave the hospital as anything but a bad sign- but Eli tried remaining optimistic.

One way or another, Elias thinks, sat in his best staring at the stupid white walls, I'm leaning this fucking hospital today, one way or another.

When the door to his room creaks open and a large body rushes in, Eli feels himself perk up. Especially as a copper skinned boy looks directly at him with glinting eyes.

"Jace," Elias breathes out in shock, wanting to stand up, wanting to run to him but not able to.

"Hey there Grey," Jace grins, though it's just like how his mom looks when she's faking a smile- waxy. The older teen looks frozen to the floor, as if he's afraid to walk further and his eyes pour into Eli's in a thousand ways to express himself.

Eli feels the shock wear off. "I can't read eyes Jace, you've got to use your words," he encourages, his tone a little too harsh than what he wants it to be.

Jace doesn't seem to mind. Not if the way he crosses the room in two strides of his big legs and embraces Elias with his even bigger arms. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner, I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he keeps repeating it, over and over.

For some reason, despite hearing, knowing and thinking about his tumour and his ultimate death, there's something then, in Jace's warm body and comforting arms that makes the tears start to flow and the reality set in.

Maybe it's the phrase- I'm sorry. Elias hadn't realise how sorry he felt about everything.

"It's okay," Jace whispers, hugging Eli tighter, then he dips his head until his lips are next to the humans ear, whispering smooth words in a liquid like language that Eli isn't familiar with. It sounds like a song or a lullaby, something Eli feels himself slowly start to relax to.

Sniffling, he pulls back from Jace with a embarrassed look, wiping his eyes. "I missed you, dickhead," he states, which causes more sadness to clog his throat and cause his eyes to water, "Sorry for being all over the place, it's been a bad two weeks for me."

Jace's face pulls into its own agony. "I'm sorry I wasn't here. I didn't mean to leave you, I tried coming, but there's a lot going on with me too. Stuff I can't explain but you-"

Elias shakes his head, "-It's fine, you're here now," his forehead falls into the taller boys chest, "you're here now," he whispers again, eyes closing. He doesn't feel so alone now.

"I'm gonna stay with you, for as long as you'll have me, I promise," The copper skinned boy confides, his warm lips press into Eli's hairline.

The words are so close and familiar that Eli recoils. He'd had that promise before- from someone who broken him. Someone who loved and left and wasn't here now when he wanted him. "Don't promise me that," he orders.

Jace grips him harder, looking dead serious. "I mean it Elias," he swears.

Eli's mouth upturns into a snarl. "You promised to ring me too, to be my friend, and you broke that."

Jace sighs heavily, shaking his head. He looks like he's going to explain, he looks like he wants to, but all he says is, "I'm sorry, I wish I could explain it to you."

There's a hardness in his eyes that wasn't there the last time, Eli realises, like he'd aged years in a month.

Jace's stiffens, head swivelling to the window as if he's searching for something. Or heard something. Eli feels his body freeze and warmth spark in his palms.

"What's wrong?" Elias panics, thinking the worst. Is it Laurent? Victoria?

"I," Jace starts, reaching into his short pockets, pullling out a phone that pings the minute his hands touch it. He reads whatever the text says quickly and his smile intensifies. "I thought I couldn't tell you, but I guess I can after all."

The riddle confuses Elias. "What? What does that mean? Who's text you?"

Jace's grin is the biggest Eli's seen since the movie theatre. "Sam," he chirps out.

"Uley?" Eli spits the word with distaste- in his mind, he's responsible for whatever the hell happened to Jace and Jake. "What does he want?"

"Bella," Jace starts and pauses, catching the way the human locks up, "She's fine. She just accidentally caused Paul to shift, she's at Sams now. Meaning I can explain everything to you-" Jace stops as Eli rips himself out his arms, walking near the many machines lining the wall.

"What are you doing!" He hisses, going to stop him but Elias already starts pulling the plugs out from the wall.

"Ah," he grins mischievously, looking around the room, "no alarm, that means I can get these off without a nurse coming in," he states, taking off the two wires stuck on his temple, then to the ones on his chest.

"Eli, what are you doing? They're there to help you, don't pull them out!" Jace hisses again, trying to grab him and stop him but the grey eyed boy slaps his hands away.

"I'm getting out of here, and you're going to take me to Bella," he demands, finally free of everything. He looks healthier, now he wasn't all hooked up.

Jace shakes his head strongly. "Elias you can't just leave-"

"-You take me to Bella or I'll walk to her, which is hard, because I don't know where Sam lives but trust me I'll find the fucking house," he threatens with hard eyes, and his hands are balled into fists at his sides.

Jace knows Elias well enough that he's being absolutely serious. Jace stares at him for a second, biting the inside of his cheek, wondering if the boys mentally sane. Then finally, he nods.

"Now get me my clothes from that shelf," Elias grins, pointing to the wall behind Jace.

Jace turns, picking them up. He goes to pass them him just as Elias tugs the hospital gown off. He's wearing grey sweatpants, but his top half is free. Jace marvels silently at the boys defined frame, until Eli turns around and grabs his phone off the bedside table.

"What the hell happened to your back?" He gasps accidentally, looking at the burn scars.

"House fire, I was a kid, I told you about it remember," Elias grabs the shirt and jacket off Jace, quickly sliding them on. "Now lets go, you can explain and ask about everything in the car."

I swear, don't kill me, I have a plan. Also, it will be revealed exactly how many months the doctors have given him.

Don't be a silent reader.