Chapter 9: It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

I've been awake for maybe two or three hours. I don't really know. Time is so painful right now. How can I even sleep knowing in a few hours I will be burying my grandmother. Michael sleeps so peacefully on my chest again. Holding me so close. He's so adorable I swear. I brush his curls out his face just admiring his beauty. He snuggles closer to me. I can't help but smile. 

"Mm. Maya." He mumbles in his sleep.

Awe is he dreaming about me again? Cuteness overload. 

"There's something safe about being in your arms." He says smiling. 

My eyes grow wide. Is he awake? He moves his body up and kisses me on the cheek before burying his face into my neck. He grabs my hand that's behind him and places it back on my head. He intertwines his hand with my free hand. He turns his head and kisses my hand. Here comes the butterflies. 

"How much time do we have before we have to get ready?" He asks with his eyes closed. 

I turn my head and look at the alarm clock on my nightstand. The clock reads 6:48 am. The service is at 11:00 am.     

"About two hours or so." I say turning my attention back to him. 

"Mm." He hums. "Can we stay like this til it's time?" 

"Sure, I don't mind holding you. This is pretty comfortable anyway."

"Don't worry if you want me too tonight I'll hold you all night."

"I'll need you to hold me all day too."

"Yeah, I'm going to need to hold you. It makes me so happy to hold you so close to me."

"Me too Michael." I say giggling. 

"Good because I need you too. Just like now."

"I'll hold you forever if you allow me too."

"Yes, also keep playing in my hair. It helps me to relax." He says giggling. 

"I'm glad you like it. I think me playing in your hair is becoming my new favorite thing." I say laughing. 

"It really should be." He says laughing with me. 

"Boy, you are too much."

"My sweet Maya. Be mine forever." He says placing a kiss on my cheek. 

My eyes grow wide. What?

"Let's be best friends forever."

Damn it Michael. Stop playing with my emotions. 

"Yeah." I say. "Best friends forever." I say lowly. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to hold it all together for today." I lie. 

No, I am not. I like you too damn much for my own good. Everyday you make me fall for you more. You make me feel things I never felt before. I just can't seem to win. 

"Everything is going to be okay in time. I know it hurts but, I'm going to be right by your side through it all. Holding you close and holding your hand too. I need you as much as you need me. I got you beautiful no matter what."

Damn it boy. Do you not know what you do to me. You just gotta know when you call me beautiful. I know you can feel the fast beat of my heart. You got my emotions all over the place. It gets harder and harder to swallow my emotions. Why did you have to make me fall for you too? This is all too much for me. It hurts my heart knowing I would never be good enough for you to feel the same way about me. No matter how good I am to you. I will never be good enough to be more than just your best friend. Why isn't being your best friend good enough anymore? I wanted it when I first said it. But once I accepted my feelings for you everything changed and not for the better. Why can't I ever get something I want. Just once I want something I want or at least get something I need. I really need him. Especially for more than my best friend. I sigh and yet I could never be more than that. Just my damn luck. 

"Hey you are quiet over there." He says bringing me out of my thoughts. "What's on your mind?" He asks. 

You. But, I can't just say that. Telling him how I really feel will just ruin our friendship. I will definitely lose him for good if he found out how I really feel. I just got to fight these feelings. No matter how bad it hurts. I just got to let them go. I sigh. Easier said then done.

"Maya." He says as he pulls away to look at my face. "What's wrong? I don't like it when you are this quiet. You know you can talk to me about anything. No matter what it is. Let me know what is in your heart. What is hurting you? I can see the sadness in your eyes. It's not just because of your grandmother's funeral. Something else is heavy on your heart." 

 "The anniversary of my brother's death is coming up." I say. 

Which is partially true.  

"There's something else."

What the hell Michael. Why do you know me so well. I sigh. 

"I'm worried that I won't make my grandma proud and do everything I promised her."

Which is also partially true too.

"Maya, I'm sure she isn't expecting you to do everything overnight. I'm also sure she knows its going to take some time and you need to heal. I think that's why she asked those things of me. Because she knows we were meant to meet. I don't think we met by coincidence. Everything happens for a reason and I do believe that we met for a reason."

Yeah my shear dumb luck. Something else to torment me. I seriously can't seem to win in life.

"Hey." He says softly touching my face. "Get out of your head. You need to clear your mind for today. Speak from your heart. Remember that favor your grandmother asked of you."

"For me to keep it real."

"I know it hurts but, I'm here to be your strength for today. I'm going to be right by your side. If you ever feel like giving up just know that I am right here and I am not going anywhere. I got you no matter what. And I hope you'll do the same for me."

"Of course. I would do anything for you. Thank you so much. Your kind words have calmed my soul."

"I swear you are too cute." He says laying back down on me. "Please, your hand back in my hair." 

I can't help but giggle at him as I blush. His hand intertwines with my free hand as my fingers mesh in his curls. 

"I swear this gotta be heaven. Being in your arms is so magical."

"Okay you are over exaggerating now." I say laughing harder. 

"Maybe a little but, it's the best way to describe it."

"Whatever you just owe me mister."

"Whatever you want. I am yours."

Why do you gotta say things like that.

"You gotta play in my hair too."

"I thought you would never ask." He says laughing. 

"Huh." I say confused as his free hand finds my hair.

I sigh in satisfaction when his fingers tangle in my curls. Damn it that feels so damn good. I bite my lip trying to containing my moan. Shit Michael. Why does that feel so good?

"Feels good doesn't it? I swear I can stay like this forever."

"I wish that too. But, let's just enjoy it for a little while longer."

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Why did time have to go by so quickly? We have to leave soon and even though I am dressed I am emotionally and mentally not ready for any of this. I'm glad Michael is going to be right by my side. It just makes it more real now. Saying goodbye to her is going to be so hard. Seeing family I haven't seen in years is going to be so hard. I'm not ready to face any of them. Even if Michael is right by my side. I don't know if I will be able to handle my family's emotional abuse. They put me through hell when we buried my brother. All of this hurts my heart. 

"Hey are you ready? The car is here." Michael says bringing me out of my thoughts. 

I turn to face him from my mirror and see him standing in the door frame. Look more handsome then ever. 

"Damn." We both say under our breath. 

We both laugh at each other and he pulls me into a hug. I swear his hugs bring peace to my soul. 

"Never forget I'm going to be right by your side." He says. 

"Thank you but aren't people going to recognize you?" I say as we pull away. 

"I'm putting on my sunglasses, a hat and a jacket. Hopefully it's enough. If not oh well. You need me and nothing is going to stop me from being right by your side."He says making me smile. 

"Thank you." I say before taking a deep breath. "I am ready." I say intertwining my fingers with his. "Never let go okay."

"I promise beautiful." 

"Thank you so much handsome." 

We head out my room and he smiles at me before grabbing his sunglasses and placing them on then his hat. He grabs his jacket and slips it on. He helps me with my jacket and I slip it on. Bill smiles at us and we head out to the parking lot where the car was. Like he has promised he never let go of my hand. Only when he had to put his stuff on. I got this as long as Michael is here with me. He gives me strength when he's by my side. 

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We got here to the church way quicker then I thought we would. I'm so scared right now. I can see faces I haven't seen since my brother's funeral just standing outside the church conversing. 

"Maya I care so deeply for you but dang girl you are cutting off the circulation of my hand."

"I'm sorry Michael." I say loosening my grip. "I'm just scared about how everyone is going to react. I haven't seen my family since my brother's funeral and a lot of them blamed me."

"I'm right here. I got you. Don't forget that. Just close your eyes and count to ten."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath and count to ten. I swear I don't deserve this man. 

"Okay, I am ready." I say.

With my hand in Michael's we climb out the car. He keeps me close to him as we walk towards the church. All eyes were on us. Well, mainly me. I'm so scared right now. A lot of them just glare at me. None of them spoke to me but, all of them whispered to each other. 

"I'm right here Maya. I got you." He whispers in my ear. 

I feel so much safer and calmer from his words. 

"Thank you." I whisper back to him. 

We make it inside and find our seats. Let the show begin.

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The service is almost over and it was now my turn to speak. I don't know if I am ready for this. My emotions are all over the place. If Michael wasn't right here by my side I would probably be bawling like a baby. I can't take these stares. I know they still blame me for something I had no control of. 

"Maya." Michael whispers in my ear. "I believe in you."

"Thank you." I say placing a kiss on his cheek.

I take a deep breath before standing up. Here we go. I just hope things go smoothly. I can't handle anymore emotional abuse. I get enough from myself. I fix my dress and slowly make my way towards the podium. 

"I can't believe she showed her face today." Someone says as I walk up the four little steps. 

"She shouldn't even be here."

"She should be ashamed of herself." Someone says as I reach the podium. 

All eyes were on me and my mouth is so dry right now. I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat before speaking. 

"My grandma has always been the kindest woman I have ever met." I say in a shaky voice. "She's always been so sweet and loving to people. I always wondered if I got that from her."

"You are nothing like her."

I grip the podium as I feel the tightness in my chest. My heart is pounding so hard that it hurts. My tears are so painful. I feel so dizzy right now. I feel a big hand touch my face so gently. I know it's Michael's. There's something about his touch that no one can ever duplicate. He pulls me in his arms and holds me close to him. 

"I'm here Maya." He says softly. "I need you." I say crying. "Don't listen to them. You are more special and amazing then you will ever know. I believe in you. Just close your eyes and count to ten. I'm right here."

I close my eyes and count to ten. My heart rate slows down and the dizziness subdues. The pain is gone and I feel so much calmer. I swear I don't deserve him. With him by my side I swear I can do anything. Climb the highest mountain. But, for now with him right by my side I can speak the truth and right from my heart like my grandma asked me to do.

"Thank you. I'll definitely never stop needing you Michael." I say slowly pulling away."She has some nerve bringing a complete stranger here." Someone says. "She came with a few of them." Someone else says. "I'm always going to need you too my sweet Maya. Now tell the truth. They all need to know." "Thank you so much." I whisper for only him to hear.

He smiles sweetly at me before turning to walk away but I grab his hand.

"I need you." I whisper. "Right here by my side please." I say and bite my lip.

He chuckles lightly at me and intertwined his hand with mine. I need him right here with me.

"I'm here." He whispers right before he kisses me on the forehead.

Which sends butterflies to my stomach. Yeah, I just fell more for this man. He stands behind me while holding my hand. I take a deep breath before speaking. 

"My grandmother was the only parent I ever known. She raised my brother and I alone. With no help from anyone but herself. I swear I owe her so much. I made promises to her I plan on keeping. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making her proud. Even though she told me countless times she was so proud of me. She always wanted the best for my brother and I. Even though they are both no longer here. I'm going to continue living my life for them. Taking a part of them with me every where I go. My grandmother always believed in showing everyone kindness and love no matter what. With growing up I took it to the heart. Which caused me to get hurt by people countless times. Family included. But, she also taught me to never stop caring and seeing the good in people. But, doesn't mean you have to put up with the bad apples she always said. I just had to learn the hard way which she taught me that. She taught me many things I'm going to take with me. She never stopped pushing me. Even after she passed she pushed me into the one place I need to be." I say and lightly squeeze his hand. "Say what you want about me. But, don't act like you care now. Because not a single one of you were there when she got sick. It was all me. I stayed by her side. I paid all her bills. Don't act like I didn't tell any of you when she got sick. A lot of you said it wasn't your problem. So don't come for me when you are no better. You had a whole year to come see her and act like you care. I love her with all my heart. She was the one person who never stopped believing in me. She never stopped caring. She never gave up on me. And I thank her for raising me into the person I am today. A little mess but, something special and amazing. She also pushed me into the one place I didn't know I needed to be. But, I thank her. I thank her for loving me and always keeping it real no matter the situation. I shall live in her honor." I take a deep breath and swallow my tears. "I love you so much grandma and thank you for pushing towards Michael. He's exactly what I need to heal." I say smiling at her coffin. 

"I'm so proud of you." Michael says pulling me into a hug. 

"I can do anything with you by my side."I say hugging him back. "Now I need some air."

"You got it beautiful." He says pulling away. 

Bill stands and smiles at us. With his hand in mine we walk down the four little steps. With Bill right behind us. It feels like everything is in slow motion as we walked towards the doors that leave to outside. I can feel everyone's stares on me. I even hear some of their scoffs. At this moment none of that matters. Michael is right here with me and all I want to do is be in his arms. We finally make it outside and down the steps. Once we stepped into the grass. I stopped him. He looks at me confused. I just pull him close not saying a word. I really need him close right now. I can hear the sound of everyone leaving the church. But, at this moment I don't care. I'm exactly where I need to be. Right in his arms. 

"I'm going to pull the car around." Bill says. 

I hear him walk off.

"I'm so proud of you." He whispers. 

"I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for never leaving my side."

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

"Am I the one place you need to be?"

"Yes, I know I pushed you away in the beginning. I was just scared but, I need you so much. I never want to lose you. Yeah I want you around but I need you around. You are my strength and my happiness. I told you, you have my heart."

"I swear you are my everything Maya. I refuse to live my life without you. Knowing you are by side I feel like I can do anything. You inspire me to be me. To love myself. To achieve my dreams and so much more. I need you Maya. Promise to never leave my life because I will be so heartbroken if you no longer need me."

"I'm going to need you forever. I need you here forever. I need you right by my side forever. Never forget that."

"I promise I won't." He says giggling lightly. 

"Hey, the car is ready." Bill says. 

"Okay." We both say at the same time. 

"This is why you are my best friend Maya." He says pulling away some.

"Yeah, you were my best friend first mister." I say giggling. 

"It's not a competition."

"Only when we dance."

"Maybe that." He says laughing. 

I can't help but laugh with him. Gosh he makes me so happy. Genuinely happy.  

"You have some nerve." Someone says. 

I turn to look at them to see it is my cousin Keisha. I roll my eyes. 

"Excuse me." I say. 

"Maya, you said all you needed to say. No need to repeat yourself." Michael says. 

"You are right. Thank you so much." I say softly touching his face. "I swear you are my savior." I say before standing on my tippy toes and kissing him on the cheek.

Once I place me feet on the ground I see him blush. I can't help blushing too. I bite my lip as we just stand there staring into each other's eyes. My best friend how you have no idea how much I am falling for you. It hurts knowing you will never feel the same. It hurts knowing I will never be good enough. But, no matter how hard I try to fight it. My heart wants you. It needs you. It yearns for you. It craves you. 

"How are you going to bring strangers here. This is only for family." She says breaking our intense stare. 

I look at her and Michael cups my face. Making me stare back at him. 

"You don't have to repeat yourself." 

I smile at him. 

"Ha" I laugh a little too hard. "Well, all of you abandoned me. So I had to find the other half of my real family." I say never taking my eyes off of Michael. "Tony and my grandmother were the only family I had for a long time. But, I'm where I need to be. Where I'm meant to be. So please just leave me alone. After today you know you won't ever see or hear me again. Goodbye forever Keisha." I say and sigh. "Let's go. We have to go to her grave site. Then it will be just you and I Michael." I say to him. 

He smiles sweetly at me. 

"I swear I need you forever." He softly says to me. 

"Wait what? Why do you sound like Michael Jackson." Keisha says. 

Without another word to her we walk off to the car and Bill opens the door for us. We both climb in. Before he could fully sit down I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his chest. I feel his fingers find my curls and I sigh in satisfaction. Man, that feels so good. It feels good just to be in his arms. His free hand gently rubs my back. I'm so content right now. I really needed this. I never want to let him go. 

"Mm." I moan. 

My eyes grow wide. Did I really just moan like that. What the hell is wrong with me.

"You are too adorable." He says laughing. 

"Hey, that's my line." I say. 

"I guess we are just going to have to share it."

"Fine." I say. "Now keep going."

"Anything for you beautiful. You got me forever." 

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I'm just standing her watching them lower the casket with my grandmother in it. My heart feels so heavy right now. But, Michael is right here with me holding me tight. He keeps reminding me he's right here and I need that right now. I need the reassurance. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. I want to be strong for my final goodbye but it's so hard. I cling to his arm that holds my hand. My head leans against his arm. His hands gently cups my face. Bringing my forehead to his lips. We stayed like that frozen in time. His lips never moved from my forehead and I never want them too. I grip the sleeve of his jacket. Letting him know I never want him to let go. He pulls my body closer to his and his lips never left my forehead. I bite my lip trying to get my emotions under control. I really need this right now. I really need him this close to me. I bring our intertwined hand to my lips and place a sweet kiss on his hand. His free hand holds me close to him securely on my lower back. My free hand caresses his face so gently with my thumb. 

"Ahem." Someone says getting our attention. 

Michael's lips fall from my forehead and he buries his face into my neck. He holds me tight with both arms now. I run my fingers through his curls letting him know everything is okay and that I am okay. I turn to look at them and it was another one of my cousins 

"You don't belong here." Jessica says. 

"She's my grandmother too." 

"Maybe by blood. But, you are an insult to this family. You are nothing but bad luck. They are both dead because of you. It's all your fault. You are nothing but a waste of space, good air. All you do is bring pain where ever you go. It should've been you instead of Tony. At least he's good at something. You are useless as always."

I feel so much pain in my chest. Why does it hurt so much? Michael pulls away and faces her. 

"Take that back." He says. 

"Excuse me."

"She the kindest, most sweetest loving person I ever met. She cares for other's more then herself. She's always smiling no matter the obstacle she has to face. She shows so much hope and strength in difficult times. She always puts other's before her. But, she's amazing just the way she is. She's special in so many different ways. She's not useless. I need her. I need her so much that it hurts. But, I know she's always going to be there for me. Because she never gives up on those she cares about. She's such a determined person. She stands up for what she believes in. You are going to wish you had someone like her."

Oh my gosh. Why would he say those things about me? He's so good to me. I really don't deserve him. He's been a blessing to me. 

"Oh my god" She yells. "You're, you're Michael Jackson." She says. 

She bumps me so hard that I fall to the ground in a loud thud. What?

"Maya." He says. "How could you do something like that?" He says crying out for me. 

He tries to reach his hand out to me but, she refuses to get out of the way. A crowd has slowly formed. I stand up lost in the back ground. He needs me. I push through every screaming person to get to him. I wrap my arms around him bringing him close to me. 

"Michael." I say. 

I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions under control. 

"Maya." He says surprised before wrapping his arms around me. 

"We are in this together. I'm so sorry."

"Everyone back up please." Bill says. 

We look at him to see him and the other body guards holding everyone back. This is all my fault.

"Get to the car. We'll join you in a second." He says. 

"Come onel Maya." Michael says grabbing my hand. 

He pulls me in the direction of the car. We were so close and it' s all my fault. She's right all I do is cause pain where ever I go. We get into the car and moments later Bill and his other two body guards join us in the car. 

"Should I take the both of you home?" The driver asks. 

"No take me to my secret place." 

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We finally reach it. I never spoke a word during the whole ride and not even during our hike to the spot. His hand held mine the whole time though. It all hurts. The pain my family puts me through. My brother's death. My grandmother's passing. How I will never be good enough for Michael. It just all hurts. I slowly let go of his hand as I walk more away from him. I stare at the beautiful scenery in front of me. The beautiful blue sky with fluffy clouds that look drawn on. The green acres of untouched land. I grip my chest from all the pain. I wish I wasn't such bad luck. I couldn't help what came out next. I stand there screaming my pain out. Screaming everything. I just want to let go of all the pain. I want it to stop hurting. My legs slowly start to feel weak and I fall to the ground. This burden is too much to handle. 

"Maya." Michael cries out.