43 "his favorite thing"

2017

It was 5pm on a Friday night. I had spent the week visiting collage campuses. I finally got home from the farthest one, almost all the way across state. Neither of the campuses would accept my application due to my insufficient funds. I was exsausted. Defeated. I was giving up on my veterinarian dreams. I thought about community collage.... But that would mean I would have to leave state.. I had zero funds to leave said state. So here I arrived back home to the place I've never belonged. I slammed my car door shut as I saw my boyfriend Fred. He stood with his hands on his hips after wiping his sweaty brow. I smiled Widley at his sight. "Hey!" I called out as I jogged to his figure. He held out his arms to lift me in a hug. He squeezed me tightly around my teeny waist and said "where you been kitten?" his hands settled firmly on my rear as if he owned me. "I told you I was visiting some schools in the state" I ran my hands over his large forearms, he was built like a lumberjack. "Ohhh fuck the schools baby. You don't need them. I told you, you don't need schooling. It's for city slickers and white collar assholes" he claimed. "No it's not Fred. It's an opportunity. I wanna be a veterinarian" I smiled as I squeezed onto his arms in an excited manner. "I don't think it's a good idea" he said. "I think it's a great idea! I could own my own clinic, buy my own house! Have you live with me and not have to pay a dime! You'd never have to work here again!" I patted his cheek in a loving and gentle way. I cared for him alot.. more than anyone could ever imagine. "I said no willie" he repeated a bit more stern. "But Fred! I could build a house! A life. We can get married..." I held his hands as I smooched the tops of them "maybe have a baby. Maybe two" Fred moved his hands from mine quickly as he shouted "I said no! Do you have fuckin ears? You're not going to collage. You're not gonna be my fucking money maker! You think I'm weak or something?! Like I can't take care of a woman or somthin!?" He shouted loudly. I coward at the sound of his loud voice. "N..no.. no I know you can.. I.. I just figured I love you so much I would try to set you up for life.." I frowned. "You don't give a fuck about me! You're doing this for your own collage ego! Ooo! You got your degree. Good for you! Doesn't mean you're better than everyone else!" He roared at me. I looked down at the ground with shame. "It...it was just a thought.." I said quietly. "Well it was a stupid fuckin thought!!" He pointed his massive finger in my face as he swore "don't you ever bring collage up to me again! You understand me?" He was mean... a very angry and controlling man. I always just thought it was love and protection. Turns out it wasn't. I nodded my head "...I understand" I whispered. "You love me don't you?" He questioned as he used his finger to tilt my head up. "Of...Of course I do" I stroked a long piece of my hair as I was bantered by the mean spirit infornt of me. "Then don't bring that shit up again. It's stupid. It hurts me" Fred looked around as he realized the time. It was time for his supper. "I'll see you later okay darlin?" He stepped backwards as he spoke. I sadly nodded my head as I watched him. "D..don't you love me too?" I asked with a hopeful smile. Fred looked back at me as he walked "will you finally put out?" He asked. I frowned again. "Didn't think so" he walked into the bunkhouse as he left me behind. He was just like everyone else but I never realized it.. As long as someone was giving me love or attention I was willing to ignore it. I stayed up all night click clacking on my computer. I continued to research inexpensive apartments or dorms close to any community collages. The cheapest one I could find was in New Jersey.. nearly across the country. I sat alone in a plastic chair that sat outside the barn after I finished feeding the horses. I was getting tired of scrolling and typing. I was losing hope. "Whatcha doin darlin?" Fred asked as he startled me. I quickly shut my computer. "N...nothin baby.. just some research" I smiled up at him. He pulled my hand for me to stand up as he sat down to pull me back into his lap. "You busy?" His finger tips ran along my legs that poked out from the bottom of my sundress. "Never too busy for you" I smiled with my blonde head lying down upon his shoulder. "You think you cold do that thing that I like?" He grinned. I lifted my head to frown almost instantly. "...I'm.. I'm not in the mood Freddy.." I gulped. Fred groaned heavily. "Of course not! You're never in the mood. I doubt you even fucking love me" he scoffed. "I..I do! I...i love you! With all my heart!" I held his cheeks a so kissed them. I watched him with my nervous face as I tried to convince him other wise. "You never want me" he said. "Oh baby.. I'll always want you Freddy. You're the love of my life" I smiled. "You're my everything. All I ever think of" I caressed my thumb along his beard. "I love you" I repeated as I nuzzled my nose against his cheek. " yeah.. right" I glanced at me as he moved my hair from my eyes "I bet you're entertaining other men huh?" He shook his head "all blondes like you are all the fucking same" he stood up knocking me off his lap. I caught myself from falling. I was confused by his sudden change of behavior "no! Never! I only love you Freddy" I followed him like a scared puppy. "If you loved me  you would show me that you do"

"I.. I do! I do love you! You.. you just know.. you just know my Past.. I'm.. I'm not like that. I don't like doing that stuff. You know that!" I didn't want to lose him. I've told him everything about myself. It was up to him to care about me or not "right! Your past! Where you fucked around with multiple men at once and regretted it the next fuckin day! You can be quite the whore for them! But not even your own fuckin boyfriend!"  My heart was breaking at his words. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to throw up at the thought of him twisting my words and story around. My eyes were welling at his words "you.. you.. you know that's not true!! You! You! Jerk!!" I began to cry. "Oh with the crying bullshit! When will you grow up Will?! You can't be ashamed of being a whore now!" He stepped towards me. I cried even harder "I'm not a whore! I.. I never did.. I.. I never did a.. any of.. of that!  God forget it. I'm going to bed" I was sobbing like a baby. I was so hurt by his words. I waved my hand at him as I tried to leave the barn. "Fuck sakes! I'll give you something to cry about!!" His hands gripped around my wrists that held my computer. "Get away from me! I.. I don't.. I don't even wanna.. l.. look at you!" I turned my head away from him as he yanked the computer from my hands, dropping it onto the ground. He glanced down at the screen that held 'New Jersey collages'. "What the fuck is this?" He picked up the computer by its screen. "It's nothing! What do you care anyways!" I tried to grab the computer as quick as I could but I wasn't fast enough. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" He yelled before throwing the laptop against the barn wall. "Hey!! That.. that cost me everything I've ever owned! You owe me $300!!" Suddenly, my body was slammed against the wall by his open palms. I grunted at the air that was shoved out of me. "What the fuck did I say about your god damn collage!?"

"Screw you!! I don't want anything to do with you anymore you bastard!!" I angrily smacked my hands against his chest to get him away from me. Before I knew it his fist was flung against my face. I squealed in agony by his big knuckles. Never did he hit me in the face. It was only ever on my body. He always told me to hide anything I've done. Even though no one would've cared. I slid down the wall in a defenseless manner. I covered my face as I cried harder than before. I stared down at my palm that held my weeping blood from a gash that oozed along my cheekbone. "Fr..Freddy.." I cried.  "You gonna fucking listen to me now? Fuck sakes! Look at you made me do!" His teeth were gritted like a rabid dog. My big sad blue eyes looked up at him as tears poured down my face. I nodded slowly. "I hate seeing you cry like that kitten. You know that..." his face softened. I stayed in a ball on the floor still holding my chest to my knees. "...god you got blood all over me.. you fucker" he mumbled under his breath "Come on baby doll.. you're too pretty to be on the ground" he took my arms gently to help me stand up. His huge palms dusted the dirt off the back of my dress. I stayed quiet as I usually do. I quietly let out sobs with my head down. I squeezed my arms around my body as tight as I could to comfort myself. "You know I didn't mean anything by that.. right kitten?" His big thumb wiped my tears and blood as he spoke softly. I nodded my head. My small legs were trembling with fear and shame. "You're breaking my heart by not loving me baby... can't you just do my favorite thing. You know.. the thing?" He pouted to me as if he didn't just wack the life outta me moment ago. I bowed my head again. I would do anything for him to love me. I would do anything to make him happy. Even if it meant traumatizing myself over and over. "...o..okay" I whispered. "Good girl. I'll wait in the truck for you. Clean up your face. You're looking a bit rough right about now. I don't need blood all over my lap" gently he kissed my face and then my lips. "I love you darlin" he said with an ear to ear smile. "...I love you too Freddy" .....