21 "mamas dress"

Winter was cold. The earth was crisp, I could see my breath when I took in a deep breath. The grass was crunchy when walked upon. The birds were cawing at first glance. It was peaceful. It late in the day when I entered the barn. I thought today i work on some socialization on the horse with no name. When entering her stall I found he was sad no where to be seen and I checked each stall to make sure  he  wasn't switched to somewhere else. I felt a small gut of fear as I could see him when looking out into the pasture. With no other thoughts at all, I retrieved another horse, settled it up and ran throughout my fathers property. My first thought was fresh grass. Everything around us is cold, frozen and dead so it had to be quite far from this place. Horses adore, running water. So I set out to find the river, or at least the nearest part of the river. I questioned how far the horse could've possibly gone, because both of the barn doors were closed. Either someone is with the animal or the animal escape somehow my vote is he's with somebody, but I didn't know who that was a problem. The horse was in training. It wasn't the most socialized horse. It was a wild horse. Whoever he was with, had no idea how to control him, although I had a clue. Galloping quick through the woods I came across a field A simple wide open space that grew no trees. There in the tree line saw a figure next to an extremely large figure. The smallest figure was screaming, loud and clear with deep dark screams. His arms were up in the air as his legs stood on his toes to make himself look larger. I could see in the distance the large figure get even bigger is it stood on its hind legs. There stood the biggest grizzly bear I have ever seen next to my older brother Casey whom screamed for his life. As I do often, I carried a very large shotgun in the bag beside me. Without hesitation, I clicked off the safety and shot it into the air, causing the loudest ringing my ears have ever heard. Casey quickly Swung his body towards me is the Bear scurried off across the river , screaming for its own safety. I galloped closer to him. "The he'll you doing?" He questioned as he yelled across the land. " I could be asking you the same damn thing!"

"I didn't need you to help me"

"well, I didn't look like you had things under control"

"Well I did"

" how are you gonna be out in the woods without a gun?"

" I didn't think I needed one"

" you were sadly mistaken weren't are you?" Casey didn't respond. He just gave me a dirty look before turning around looking for the horse that he had lost. " you took my horse this morning?" Casey nodded. " I was going to see what was wrong with it. The old man was complaining there is some behavioral issues."

I galloped farther into the field where I found the horse munching on solid dry grass. Gently I grabbed his reigns is a direct them towards Casey once again. " well, you don't have to worry about that. I kind of got that under control"

" clearly not if the damn horse had to run away knocking me off my feet"

" horses aren't usually meant to be around bears, they're gonna act like that specifically, if they've never seen a bear"

" that horse you're on begs to differ. You shot right next to it's ear and he didn't move a muscle" I watched Casey closely as he panted his breath. " you calling me a bad trainer?" "No. Not at all" I wastched as Casey pulled himself back up onto the horse. He looked back over at me with a tilted his head. " why is your hair so dark?" "I colored it"

" what for?"

" I don't know. I guess I needed something new for a change."

" I think you were perfect the way you were"

" maybe you think so but I don't"

Casey gave me sympathetic eyes as he sighed.

"I don't just think that just me willow-"

"You two over here shooting!!?" rip shouts from the top of the giant hill above us. There was a bear!" I called out as rip got closer. "What y'all doin out here? I know it ain't workin. We all know Casey don't do that" rip spoke "Look at you. Didn't know you were allowed off my dad's leash!" Casey huffed. "What'd you say?" Rip snarled. "I didn't fuckin stutter" Suddenly both Casey and rip leaped off their steeds. I watched with confusion as their hostility increased. "Come on pussy boy. Don't be mad that your wife works for you" rip snickered. Their fists struck on another a frew times back and forth. I quickly pulled my horse away from the situation before the horse decided he felt unsafe. Although I didn't use my head. "Enough!" I shouted as I cocked the trigger of my gun leaving it to fly in the air. The horse I road was once startled again, the horse freaked out as I went flying into the ground. I laid stuck and stuff as the pain was unbearable. "Shit!" Rip whistled his fingers as he rushed to retrieve the horses. "Willie!" Casey kneeled by my side "you okay!? Can you move ? Can you feel your feet?!" He asked loudly. I nodded my head. "Yeah...just knocked the wind out of me" I whimpered. Casey stared down at me then looked right back up at my face as he saw the scare on my stomach. "The fuck is that on you for?!" He asked in an angry loud whisper. I quickly yanked my shirt down. "Nothing... keep quiet will you?"

"Willie!" He demanded an answer from me. "Casey please!" I whispered at him.

"Willie you keep blowing rounds off like that you're gonna get somebody killed!" Rip yelled as he tossed the reins of our horses at us. I ignored rip as if he wasn't there. "Im gonna go home and shower. Are y'all gonna kill each other when I leave?!" I asked loudly. "Mind your business willie" rip mumbled under his breath. Casey scoffed "don't talk to her like that. Last time I checked she's a Dutton not you"

"If she's a fuckin Dutton she should be treated like one instead of being treated the way she is"

"That ain't on me rip. That's on them"

"You're involved in it too boy. Don't act so innocent"

"Jesus Christ. Both of you shut up!"

I don't know what had gotten into rip. I wasn't sure if it was me or Beth hell or maybe it was work. Either way something was up with him. In all honesty I think he's realizing I don't need him anymore and it's killing him. Peices of me cared so much but at the same time. I'm free. "Y'all worried about me but it seems you both need to man up. Stop acting like little boys"

"Yeah. Right." Casey watched me with a sense of anger. Why did he care about what I put on my body so much. Before I headed to home I watched rip leave in the other direction of Casey. When home I kicked off my boots at the door the along with my hat. I blew hot air from my mouth into my freezing cold fingers. I opened and closed them a few times to gain my feeling back. There were no cars in the driveway, nor were their shoes or hats at the door. No one was home. When walking through the house, I hear the phone ring. It was the landline not a cell phone. When I picked up the call, there was a sweet voice on the other end.

"Hello?" I questioned.

"Hi. This is  Lynelle Perry. Is John available?"

"Uh...no he's not. He's not home. I can take a message for him" I held the phone against my shoulder and ear as I clicked a pen while sliding a paper pad over. "Hmm. Not that's okay. Is this willie?"

"It is"

"Oh how are you sweetheart! Will I be seeing you tonight?"

"Ummm..."

"At the stockmans dinner tonight. You're coming aren't you?"

"I had no idea about that dinner.."

"No? Well your name will be sitting at the dinner table, with a plate of food with your name on it" I could tell she was smiling by her tone of voice.

"Okay miss Perry. I'll be there. Thank you"

"Oh please! It's lynelle"

"Okay lynelle. I'll see you later"

I hung up the phone then looked around me for a moment. I'm not sure if I even dared step foot in an event I wasn't invited to by my father. I told myself  repeatedly I was never going to let them beat me down again. So I chose to go. But I never owned a dress. Nothing that fit. Everything was much too large on my small body. I went hunting for a dress somewhere in the house. I checked each closet avoiding my sisters. All I could find was a long silk red dress with a slit in the front of the leg with skinny straps up the shoulders. It fit like a glove, almost like it was Tailored for me. No part too big nor too small it was perfect. I assumed it was Beth's. Maybe from high school. Seemed too small for her to wear now. I took a tiny black hand bag to fit my belongings along with tall black heels I had been given to from Beth when she was 23. Carefully I stepped down the driveway in my tall heels. I've never worn heels specifically in this dirt gravel drive. I held up the bottom of the dress as I entered the bunkhouse. There I smell the aroma of BO and cigarette smoke. The men were playing cards and watching the rodeo on tv. Suddenly the loud room went silent when walking through the doors. I couldn't help but smile down at the ground as the men's eyes widened with awe. "Miss Nelson. Is that you? My little peanut all grown up!?" Lloyd snickered as the other men whistled. I clenched my purse as I bashfully hung my head. "If you see rip will you tell him I'm going out?"

"Out where?" Jimmy asked. The men glanced over at him as he blurted out. "Ohhh Jim bob here is scared you're gonna cheat on him!" Colby snickered. "No! Not true. Just wanna make sure she is safe" jimmy interrupted. I smiled at him with a nod of my head "I'll be fine Jim. I'm going to the stockmans dinner. I ain't going on a date Jim. Relax"

Jimmy cheeks glowed red as he put his head down into his bowl of food. "Sure thing baby girl. You drive safe now" Lloyd assured me as he held the door open for me. "Can't believe you're growing up peanut" Lloyd adjusted a piece  of my hair from my shoulder. "I'm trying to" I whispered. Lloyd gave me a soft and kind look as he stroked my scared up cheeks. "You're doing great baby. You're doing amazing"

"I'll see you later Lloyd!" I smiled bright as I quickly stumbled to my car.

When arrive at the dinner I was very late. The parking lot was packed full of pick up trucks and unidentified cars. You can tell people from the government were there. When I entered the floor was glistening, like it was freshly polished. The floor had a bunch of black and white tiles and the ceiling was covered in drapes and jewels with chandeliers. The place was much too fancy for my liking. I could hear the sound of a loud voice coming over  loud and clear as if somebody was speaking through a microphone. As I opened a single door, I was met with gleaming faces, staring at a stage where my father stood. He was giving a speech that I missed half of. I scanned around the room, looking for my family, but I couldn't get a glimpse of them at all. I questioned if they were there entirely. Quietly and gracefully, I found my table. All of the plates were full of food, but no faces to eat them. I sat down as people stared at me. I knew I was late, but I didn't think that would attract attention. My father finished his speech with "god give us rain and a little bit of luck, we will do the rest" the room clapped for the powerful man known as my father. My father bowed his head before heading back to his table. His eyes shifted as his face softened. He sat down at the table refusing to make eye Contact with me. I stayed quiet for a moment, but chose to speak up. "there was a very lovely speech daddy" I smiled at him. My father glanced up with a sigh. "what are you doing here?" John Questioned. " I came to see you I was told you were giving a speech so I showed up for you."

"I never invited you" he was very lonely with his head down refusing to acknowledge I was even in the room. "well, I just thought-"

" you dyed your hair?" he pointed out out of all things. "I did yes"

" why" my father sounded irritated, not necessarily mad. " I don't know. I just figured I'd look better with dark hair. I thought maybe you may look me in the eyes for once" he looked up at me almost sudden. Really fast he gazed at me. " I can look you in the eye anytime I want to."

" that ain't true and you know it. I didn't come here to argue I just came here to support you."

" I appreciate that, but I don't need your support. I'm a grown man I can do things my own."

" well based off of the empty table and the name tags names that aren It seems that's not true."

My father stood up angrily. He adjusted his hat then closed his jacket. "where are you going daddy?"

" somewhere other than here"

" you're gonna leave because I'm here?"

" no Willy I'm gonna leave because I have no business being here anymore. I look like a fool sitting at an empty table."

" but it's not empty I'm here"

" that's empty enough for me"

That hurt really bad. It felt like a pierce to my heart. I watched my father disappear from the banquet doors, but I quickly followed behind him. "What's wrong with you? you've never told me what the hell I did to you! You've never attempted to speak to me! You don't know anything about me! And for what?! Why do you hate me so much? I deserve an answer!" I shouted across the parking lot as my father continued to walk. He stopped in his place, keeping his back towards me as he sighed. " I don't hate you. I just don't prefer you"

" why!?" I demanded. " tell me right now why do you hate me?"

" you look like her!! You sound like her her!! You act just like her! And I can't stand looking at you or hearing you!"

"You know I didn't kill her right!! You know I didn't!!"

"...."

"You wish I was never born! Just admit it! Admit it and I'll leave for good daddy! I'll leave and never look back" p

My father didn't speak. He just stared at me with no words. It was as if he was thinking of what to say next. "Where did you find that dress?" He questioned. I scoffed as he completely ignored my question. "I found it"

"Yeah no shit you found it! Where did you find it!?"

"...in...in a closet"

"In the back of a closet!? My closet!?"

"....maybe"

"Take it off now."

I looked around me then laughed sarcastically "what? No!"

"No! Now willie. You're taking it off now"

Angrily my father gripped my shoulder trying to yank my sleeve off. "Get off me!" I yelled. "Get out of her fucking dress!! You have no fucking right to wear that dress!! You never fucking knew her!! Take it off" he screamed as his hands grabbed and yanked the silk fabric. "Cut it out!!" I yanked away from him quickly when suddenly the seam of the dress peeled apart from the hip to the torso. My father stood stunned. I stared at him with tears in my eyes as his eyes filled with rage. "What the fuck is that!?" He shouted. I looked down at my body as I could see my opened wound saying hello through the fresh tare of the dress. "Who did that to you?" "Nobody"

"Nobody!? Who did that to you!? Was it rip!? Who was it!?"

"It wasn't anybody! I did it myself!"

"Are you a fucking idiot or somthing!?"

"Clearly so!"

Quickly John charged after me, I wasn't hesitant to defend myself. Suddenly my father grasped my arm as I pulled out a pistol from my thigh. "What are you gonna do with that?"

"I've killed a man already. I ain't scared of you anymore" in reality I was shaking. I was shaking so hard. I was terrified. Never would I ever try to hurt my father. "You killed a man?" he spoke quietly. I stared him in the eyes like a strong woman I believed I was. "Yes" i whispered. My father looked down at the pistol I had pointed into his gut. My father then looked up over my shoulder

"John? Everything okay?" Lynelle spoke from behind a few cars. I quickly tugged my jacket closed to hide my wound and my pistol. "Everything's fine" John smiled slightly at her. He glanced at me "well talk later" he mumbled before stepping past me. "You're leaving so soon. Is somthing wrong?" My father stepped closer to her with a waving hand. " no. I just have things I gotta do for the season" he mumbled. I glanced down at my purse as my phone starts to ring. I answer the line before stepping away in between vehicles

"Hello?"

"Willow. Hey.... I need your help... you're the only one I can trust with Tate"

"What happened Casey? . I'll be right there!"