Chapter 25

Forth immediately ran after Beam when he passed by them leaving Lin standing there. Lin was trying to have a conversation with him but he can't hear anything since he was waiting for Beam to get out of the car.

He was expecting Beam would grab him out of there just to show Lin that his friends were not lying when they told her that one of the famous illegal doctors is his boyfriend. But Beam just walked past them like they didn't know each other. He know Beam was tired, but ignoring him in front of the girl who makes him so jealous? Was he that tired?

*

Lin. That day after exams when she ran to Forth, his friends had told her that the rumors were true.

They couldn't stand it. Every time they were outside waiting for another class to start, Lin was also there. And she seemed to be needing help every time they would see her.

First was when she needed a ride to get something from her dorm room. Forth had nothing to do but help. Besides, he was hoping to see Beam. At least he had a reason to go there.

Second was when she needed help understanding a chapter in the books. They were at a bench outside waiting for class to start. Ai'Art had offered to help but Lin had specifically asked Forth. Forth was reluctant, but being a gentleman, he helped her anyway.

Lam and their other friends didn't like how she sticks close to him. Unnecessarily close. But they really can't tell her directly that they don't like her always being around Forth. She was still a girl and they were still boys. They just can't tell her off.

Jan. Lin's friend and Mark's girlfriend (Mark is another friend of Forth, Lam and Art.) does not like what her friend is doing. They may be friends but Forth is also a friend to her. And as a girlfriend, she don't like the idea of someone lingering around her boyfriend.

She adviced Lin to stop trying to make Forth date her. The guy was taken. She don't want her friend being the reason of another friend's problems. But instead of listening to her advice, Lin decided she would just be more persistent. Now they're not on good terms anymore.

Jan decided if Lin would be persistent to ruin a relationship, then she would have to be more eager not to let it happen.

*

"Beam? Is everything okay?" Forth had found him inside the room, lying facedown on the bed.

"Tired. I want to sleep." Beam answered in the most uninterested tone he could muster.

Forth sighs.

"You're not okay." He lays their bags neatly on the couch.

"I am."

"Should we talk?"

He sat on the bed and scrunched his nose. He looked at Forth standing near the foot of the bed.

"Im tired."

"When you wake up?"

"......"

"When should we talk about it then?"

"Is there something to talk about, Forth?"

"There is. And it's a lot."

What Beam had seen earlier and what he had seen and heard on the previous days and weeks makes him afraid to hear of what Forth has to say. His negative thoughts isn't helping either.

"Then shoot."

"What's wrong Beam? Why did you act like you didn't know me in front of N'Lin?"

"Well...you seemed to like the attention..."

"Beam?!" This has to be the lamest theory he had heard from Beam. "You know that's not true."

"If it's not true then....okay. Can i sleep now?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"...no.."

"So what's this?"

"What do you mean what's this?"

"This..you are avoiding a conversation with me.."

"WHAT?!" Beam snapped. "IF YOU SAY IT'S NOTHING THEN I BELIEVE YOU!! CAN I GET SOME SLEEP NOW?!" This is the first time he had raised his voice when he got agitated.

"Why are you raising your voice Beam? I'm trying to talk to you calmly...Why are you being so difficult..." He added the last part in almost a whisper but Beam heard it.

"I have always been difficult Forth. I showed you how difficult i can be but you were stubborn. Please don't throw that blame back at me." Beam said as faced the other direction.

"...I am not blaming you for anything..."

"Then let's not talk about it."

"We have to talk about -"

"You know what? .. Maybe let's just leave things the way it is. You don't have to explain anything to me. You don't have to feel sorry for me. Feel free to walk away .."

Forth turned speechless. Was Beam implying that they should just breakup?

Too distressed to remain standing, he sat the edge of the bed and covered his face with both his hands, trying to remain calm.

"..and besides .. You'll be better off without me anyway .."

What Forth heard made him turn to Beam gaping, he cannot believe Beam has the guts to suggest, moreover think of such stupid ideas.

"I am not going to break up with you if that's what you want me to say."

Beam sighs.

"I want to be alone for now."

"There you are again. Always trying to push me away.."

"Leave. Me. Alone."

Forth took a deep breath before speaking.

"I'm sorry."

"..I was persistent because i wanted to understand how a person like you can fake happiness in front of other people..."

"...I wanted to break down the walls you surrounded yourself with and see what's inside not because i was curious but because i cared. I wanted you to be happy even when no one is looking not because i pity you but because... i love you."

He stood up and walked towards the door and without looking at Beam, he said...

"...I'm sorry if all i did was distract you from your fake happiness."

Then he went out the door and closed it behind him.

*

His heart ached when he raised his voice. Of all people, he did it to the person he loves. Forth snapped and Beam had forgotten that even the nicest people have their limits and Forth has just reached his.

When Forth walked out of the door, it felt like his throat tightened. When he heard the crack in his voice, he felt same pain he felt the day he lost his mother.

He was sure Forth would never return and he was back to ground zero.

Once again, it felt like everything came crumbling down on him and there's no one there to save him.

He has spent the entire afternoon crying his heart out. He had regretted raising his voice but his fear of abandonment got the best of him.

Well, if Forth was going to tell him that he would be leaving him, then he better take the first step so Forth won't find it difficult to say goodbye. At that time, it felt like he was doing him a favor.

It only happened to him once but he seemed to be all too familiar with it. With people promising they'll stay and then ends up leaving or choosing someone else. Because that's what people always do.And that's what they will always do.

*

A pebble thrown in the water, no matter how little creates a ripple. Just like how every action one makes bears a consequence. Every word you say would bear a consequence, but funny enough, every silence too.

They are not okay. This was the result of his silence. He had kept silent longer than intended and this where they end up. Both of them, hurting. He was supposed to help, not make things worse.

When they both internally decided to have a word with each other, this was not what they had in mind.

Months ago, when Beam decided that he didn't want to see Forth, this place is where Lam found him. Now, this is where he finds him again. Same place, same number of beer cans scattered around him, same bloodshot eyes, same distant stare.

"What happened? Are you guys alright?" Asked Lam as he placed down another dozen beer cans which he bought beside them and sat down facing the same direction.

Forth was leaning his back to the wall. His right elbow rested on his bended right knee, a beer can dangling from it. He chugged before saying something.

He shook his head. "Still trying to figure out how everything went wrong so fast."

Lam nodded as he pops open a can of beer.

"I should have been more understanding.." Forth continues.

Lam stared at him in disbelief.

"No! For fucks sake Ai'Forth! Stop being so nice!" Forth turned to him confusedly.

"You should have made him understand your feelings. If he understands maybe he will let you help him cause that's your goal right? So what if you guys fought? So what if someone raised his voice? It was bound to happen anyway. So why did you have to wait this long? So you both could throw a fit at each other?"

"......"

"What i mean is...Doc Beam is stubborn. But asshole Forth so are you!"

Forth kept listening. This was the first time his best friend had given him an advice that is not pure nonsense, lame or dangerous.

"...so if Doc Beam makes things difficult, you have to try harder. Right? Look at yourself. You kept yourself silent for too long and now look where it got you."

Lam gulped at the can he was holding, then turned to face Forth and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"I had to be out of character tonight so you take me seriously. Dude, i don't have any idea how Doc Beam can drive you up the wall but man please get your shit together! I don't want to spend the rest of our university days babysitting some weeping hazer who gets thrown away by his wife. Man, this is why i don't do relationships!"

Forth smiled at his best friend. Somehow it made him feel better.

Lam was right. It was bound to happen anyway and he was stupid for dragging the problem long enough for it to hurt them both.

Beam is stubborn, there's no doubt about that. But why they became boyfriends was because he himself stubborn too. Because he refuse to give up.

*

Why did he hide everything from Forth? Why did he avoid talking to him in the first place?Why did he pretend to be unaffected with everything when the truth is, everything inside him was falling apart?

Was it salvation? Was he trying to save him from his own personal issues?

Or was it selfishness?

For so long he had tried to keep his shit together hoping that one day, all of it might end. And now a saviour has come to save him and he outright refuses to be saved.

The truth is, he hasn't moved on. Those nightmares still visit, not every time though. But even if they don't visit as often as they used to, they were the same old dreams. Sleep was supposed to be his escape, but this too, fails him.

Forth has no idea of course. He had kept it a secret for so long that it became as easy as breathing.

The problem wasn't Lin. The problem was both of them. Lin was just someone who opened their eyes to the truth. The truth that they lack understanding at each other's hearts.

*

Jan saw what had happened the day Forth and Beam got back from their weekend getaway. She was nearby when Lam's car stopped in front of the building and out came Ming and Kit followed by Forth.

She was there because her boyfriend Mark, has asked her a favor to borrow a book from Forth. Forth likes to jot down notes on the pages so it's easy for him to read everything at once.

She was going to call Forth and Lam but another voice has done it for her. She rolled her eyes as she sees her former friend trotting towards Forth like she was the girlfriend.

He glanced at Beam who was also watching the interaction. She wanted to drag Lin out of there for Beam but she didn't want to over react.

When Forth ran after Beam upstairs and left Lin standing there looking so pissed.

"You never learn do you?" She said as she approached Lin with her arms crossed.

"Oh. What brings you here my friend?"

"None of your business. Anyway, please find another man, you know, someone who is not taken. You're better than this Lin."

"But i want P'Forth." She said pouting, sounding as innocent as a child begging for candy.

"Lin! The guy is taken!" She hissed.

"Hmmn." She shrugs. "But, you never know? Right? And besides, P'Beam is hot too. He might find a pretty girl one day. If that happens, P'Forth will be mine." She said grinning.

"You're crazy." Jan had no idea her friend had this kind of mentality.

"Maybe i am. No matter how crazy i am P'Beam is a man too. He can't hit me. Awesome right?"

She walked away almost skipping like a happy kid at her realisations. Jan was left standing there in disbelief. So this is why she keeps flirting with Forth, because she knows Beam can't hit a girl.

"Yeah. But i can." She mumbles as she walks away while fishing out her phone to tell her boyfriend why she can't ask Forth for the book.

***************

To Be Continued...

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