Chapter 13 (I Love you, Christian Anthony)

Mitchel

Mitchel woke up at 3:00 pm. The night before, he dreamt of everything he wished for. He'd never felt so content in his life- it was as if Mitchel had everything he needed. His heart felt so full that it was about to burst with joy, and it was as if nothing could ruin how he felt.

He woke up before Christian, lying on the younger man's chest. The both of them were as naked as the day they were born, except for Christian's t-shirt that Mitchel wore.

A small smile formed on his face as he recalled the events that took place only a few hours before. His body still melted into his best friend's. They still breathed in and out in unison. Mitchel convinced himself that the kiss he shared with him on Molly's birthday was just something he imagined, but the red marks all over his body were enough proof for him that this time, it was real.

And Molly. She didn't matter anymore. Christian said it himself: Mitchel was the one that was there with him. And he was there to stay. He knew Christian in ways that Molly- or any other girl- could never know him. He felt what he felt. He breathed and lived for him. They were like a single cell that worked to carry out the basic functions of life.

Mitchel shifted on his best friend's chest and traced circles on his skin. Everything felt so clear. He could see everything with a new light as if he'd gotten a pair of special glasses. He could hear Christian's steady breaths and heartbeat as if he was using a stethoscope.

"I love you, Christian Anthony," He whispered mostly to himself, but then he saw Christian's lips slowly stretch into a smile.

"You do?" He asked. His voice was groggy and a little strained from his sleep. Mitchel pulled away quickly, a familiar heat spreading on his face and neck. He cleared his throat.

"Good morning," He said and sat up. He watched Christian inhale deeply and rub his eyes.

"Say it again," He told him. Mitchel gave him a puzzled look.

"Good morning-?"

"No, no. Before." Christian cleared his throat and tried his best to sound like Mitchel. "I love you, Christian Anthony," He imitated.

Mitchel's skin was hot and red and he looked away in embarrassment. "Don't make fun of me," He mumbled. Christian let out a small laugh and tugged Mitchel down by the t-shirt.

"I'm just teasing," He cooed. "How are you feeling?"

Mitchel snuggled up to his best friend once more. Despite what they had done the night before, he found comfort in the fact that Christian treated him just the same.

"Good. Really good," He replied and averted his eyes from the blond man. The both of them said nothing for a while but it was okay. It was a comfortable silence that they bathed in. It was just as good to enjoy each other's company without exchanging any words. After a while, however, his thoughts began to tear at his brain and he longed to tell Christian what he'd wanted to say for over a decade. He was sure that everything would go well as long as he was honest, so he broke the silence.

"I meant it," He spoke. He still avoided his eyes and busied himself by playing with Christian's fingers.

"Meant what?" As Christian talked, he could feel his voice vibrate through his chest.

"What I said. About loving you, I mean. I meant it. I really do. More than you could imagine," he took a breath before saying, "You've always been special to me. Right when we met, I knew that I loved you. And being friends was great. It still is, but it's not enough." He stopped talking and let go of Christian's fingers.

He sat up and looked deep into his best friend's shiny green eyes.

"You're in my heart and always on my mind, Christian. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking of you even if I tried. You're a part of my soul like a puzzle piece. Last night it felt like you completed it. It felt like you finished the puzzle that I couldn't solve."

When he finished speaking, Mitchel could hear a familiar tune. He looked around for the source of the sound, only to realize that it was playing in his head. Red Blood. His song was playing in his head and he could hear himself singing the lyrics.

Mitchel took both of Christian's hands.

"Tell me what you're thinking," He said. "Tell me I'm not crazy, that it's not one-sided and you love me too," He said. Christian looked into his eyes and it felt like he was finally seeing him. He thought he always had before, but this was something entirely new. It was as if Christian could see his soul shining through his body. He could read his thoughts and emotions. He could anticipate his next actions and say what had to be said.

Christian gently pulled his hands away from Mitchel's. "Of course I love you," He told him. Mitchel couldn't contain his smile. There. He said it. He said what he'd been dying to hear almost his entire life. "But wow," Christian whistled. "Not like that."

And then his world shattered.

He'd done it again. Christian made him feel like the luckiest man on Earth only to yank out his heart and stomp on it.

"What?" Mitchel asked. He could feel his face fall, his voice came out as only a whisper.

"I love you too, Mitch, but definitely not like that. You're my best friend. My number one guy. But I've got Molly and honestly, I'd never really thought of you like that," He said.

There. He did it again. Twice in one day, and they hadn't even been awake for more than half an hour. He broke his heart again and kicked it around with heavy boots. He stampeded over it and left it to bleed out in the beating sun.

"But..." Mitchel began. "What about last night...? A-and you said you missed me and-" Christian pursed his lips and sat up.

"I missed you, yeah. It was like you weren't even here. You barely talked and always stayed in your room. Clinton said to wait until you were ready. And then you were and it was like I got you back."

"But we just fucked!" Mitchel said. "It's not like I forced you to do that. We could have stopped at any point," Christian scratched his head, giving Mitchel the look that he hated so much: the look of pity as if he were a lost dog, abandoned by its owner.

"I don't know," He said. "It seemed like you were horny and we both know you've got no hoes," He explained. "I figured I'd be a bro and help you out," He said.

"So you had no idea? Even though I bottomed you last night?" He asked. When Christian failed to reply, he let reality set in.

Christian never loved him. He led him on. Even if he never meant to, he broke his heart like it was nothing. Mitchel looked away from his best friend. He felt tears welling in his eyes and he wasn't about to cry in front of him. He bit his lip hard and squeezed his hands into tight fists.

"What about Molly?" He said finally. He still didn't look at him.

"Well I'm not gonna tell her about last night," He replied, but Mitchel cut him off. He lifted a shaky hand to his face and wiped a tear from his cheek before Christian had a chance to see it.

"Would you still feel the same way if you weren't with her?" He asked. Christian took a long moment to answer while Mitchel waited patiently.

"Well, I don't know," He said. "It would be different and well... I guess maybe I'd give you a chance," He said. Mitchel nodded and stared at the wall while letting out a shaky sob. It reminded him of the day that occurred in their high school years. Christian was just as oblivious, but at least he gave him an answer. An answer he hadn't realized he needed so badly.

Mitchel quickly slid out of Christian's bed and slipped into his boxers.

"I'm gonna shower," He said and left before Christian could reply. As he walked away, he could feel his best friend's eyes on him. He wished for the first time in his life that he'd just look away.