⫣45⫦ Path of Healing

Someone taps on my shoulders, and a sudden instinct takes over, enraging me and making me snap at the person- only to see it's Taehyung. My anger vanishes like it was never there. He looks down at me with a soft expression."He's asleep now, Lian. You can let go." I don't want to. I don't think I can. But then Namjoon and Jin are by my side, slowly lowering Hoseok down on the bed and out of my hug. I keep my eyes on his sleeping face. He suddenly looks so peaceful, his face relaxed and serene in sleep. "I want to stay here tonight," I breath out, unable to stop the words. I can't leave him, my heart still in tatters after what just happened. Someone strokes a tear away from my face and I look up at Taehyung again. Whatever he sees in my expression makes him nod. "You can. But please let Jin treat that wound first." Confusion spreads within me. Wound? He takes my hand and lifts my arm so I can see the blood running down from a gash on my upper arm. "Oh," I breath, suddenly remembering the shard of glass. It's like pointing out the wound finally releases the sharp pain that accompanies it. I let out a hiss and Jin is by my side a second later. "Let me see," he says all professional, then inspects the wound carefully. "And?" Yoongi asks from the back. They are all still here- making sure I was all right I realize. Jin sighs. "It's not that deep. It doesn't need stitches. A bandage will be enough. Can you get me one from my things in my trailer, Yoongi?" Yoongi barely seems to have heard him. He is only staring at the slepping boy, his expression dark but unreadable. "Yoongs?"Finally his face snaps up to Jin and he nods, then turns on his heels and is out the door in a heartbeat. He must have sprinted over there, because only a few seconds later he is back, his breathing heavy and holding something white in his hands. Jin makes quick work of binding me up, then leans back and silence descends. I glance back down at the sleeping Hoseok. "How often does this happen?" Even my whispering seems too loud. It's Jimin who answers, sitting on the floor next to Jungkook who looks more shaken than anyone, like he is blaming himself for not being strong enough.

Or because of how much he was reminded when he himself had been so out of his mind, under the influence of drugs he accidentally hurt a person he loved too. "Usually once every two months or so. But his last one was almost five months ago. It's not always this bad. Today-"

He doesn't finish. He doesn't need to. This time was worse. There is a deep sigh from Namjoon before he straightens himself and announces:"All right. I think we should all get some sleep. Enough action for one day. Taehyung, you should get some comfortable clothes for Lian." His voice is steady and clear, shaking the others out off their still stunned state. They all nod at their leader, leaving one after the other, Jungkook leaning heavily on Jimin as they walk out together. Taehyung turns one more time, like the thought of leaving me even for a few moments bothers him. Silence descents again as it's just me and Namjoon. He hasn't left. "You should get some sleep too, Namjoon." He doesn't respond, his hands opening and closing like he is struggling with himself. Then he walks over to where I sit on the bed and hugs me. I am too stunned to do anything. "Thank you, Lian," he whispers holding me for a moment longer then withdraws to look me deep in the eyes. "We've never been able to calm him when he was like that. I don't know if you understand just how amazing you were today. And at the same time-" He lets out a growl, his face darkening. "Don't you ever do something so reckless again! What if it had been a knife? Did you even think about yourself before you acted? You could have seriously gotten hurt!" I sink into myself, looking at my hands, then back at Hoseok. I stroke his face, more like the whisper of a touch. I look back at Namjoon. "You would have done the same if you had seen in time, am I right?" He opens his mouth, probably to deny it, then closes it again, glancing at sleeping Hoseok as well. His face softens and I see the love he holds for every single one of his members. Love and fear- fear of loosing them like he lost his brother. I breath in sharply, suddenly understanding. What must have it been like for him to see Hoseok direct that shard at himself today? Did it remind him of his brother?

And still he had taken control of the situation: directed the others and acted as their raft in a stormy sea.

I take his hands into mine and he looks back at me. "You don't have to bare everything alone, Namjoon. Let me help you a little, okay?" His eyes widen, then he lets out a small chuckle. "Lian, you have no idea how much you already helped me." I lean back, unable to forget a conversation with Hwasa that suddenly feels like it happened ages ago. "I- Look, I know it's none of my business," I start but it earns me just another rumble of laughter."And when has that ever stopped you? Out with it."

I make a face, unsure how to articulate my mind.

"It's about Hwasa."

His head snaps around in surprise.

"Hwasa?" "Mhh, You know- about you and her?" He snorts but then grows a little more serious looking down at our interlocked hands. "Me and Hwasa was a long time ago." "And?" "And-" a cease forms on his forehead, his expression saddening. "It's complicated." I snort. "Isn't everything?" He lets out a heavy breath before speaking in a small voice, his eyes far away. "I met her when I was seventeen. I was doing one of those horrible jobs in a catering company where we were treated like crap for minimum wage. But at least we got paid. There was this gala we were hired to do. Only the rich and powerful were invited and I remember being so jealous and angry. How was it fair that I needed to work my ass off and even skip school in order to have a decent meal, make sure my brother was treated, our rent got payed and these people could snap with their fingers and get it all?" Even though I know he isn't talking about me, I feel a pang of shame. I was like that. My family has been to such Gala's and I never really wondered about the people getting the drinks and foods. Luckily, Namjoon doesn't notice as he continues. "I was carrying the champagne when I saw this girl walk in." His eyes glaze over with a sort of shimmer. "She was beautiful. Long black hair, tall and thin, wearing a blue dress that brought out her eyes and made her look like a princess. And that face- stunning, even as I hated everything about her." I raise my eyebrows in question, but he doesn't see that either. "I hated her, because I knew I wanted her, but didn't stand a chance. She was walking hand in hand with one of those cliché noble men: styled back hair, tailored suit and a smeary grin on his face. I knew I was invisible to those people. I was nothing but a tray with two eyes and the one to blame if the food didn't taste good or didn't look appealing enough. The man walked up to me, dragging her along, but of course it was just the Champaign he had eyes for. And that's when she looked at me. Not at the Champaign, or my ridiculous uniform or the way I kept trying to be invisible like I was told. Me. And what I saw in her eyes was not arrogance or condescending superiority- it was envy. This girl who had it all, wearing a diamond engagement ring on her finger was envious of someone like me!" I try to imagine Hwasa like that. First of all, thin and tall is not the way to describe her: that girl has curves and knows how to use them as her weapons: sexy, that's the word for her, not just beautiful. And Hwasa had been engaged to someone?

"I couldn't help but watch her all evening. She was polite, calm and elegant, never disagreeing with anyone, always nodding to the things her fiancé was saying. But I saw the way she looked at the food in front of her, hungry and yet she didn't touch it, politely refusing. And I saw her steal glances at me too. I'm telling you- it was a test of my willpower to stand still. Even back then, she had that alluring thing in her eyes when she looked at you- the devil beneath, you might say. Then it was time for the first course and lucky me, I got their table!" He chuckle to himself, lost in the memory. "I was sweating, my heart racing as I walked over. And yeah, maybe catering wasn't the job for someone as clumsy as me. That combined with being so near Hwasa, it was set to be a failure from the start. That stupid asshole of a fiancé didn't pay attention to me serving and accidentally knocked over my tray. I almost burst out laughing when I saw him covered in fish-soup and precisely cut legumes. But of course, he didn't find it funny at all. I knew I was gonna be fired anyway, so I figured: fuck it. I told him exactly what I thought of him and the other snobs sitting at his table. Uh, you should have seen their faces, it was hilarious. I had been quite good with words even back then. They were so offended and shocked- all but Hwasa. She was smiling at me. And then-" He shakes his head, like he still couldn't believe it. "She just stood up and kissed me. In front of everybody."

I can't help but laugh. Yeah, that sounds more like Hwasa. "Then she turned to her fiancé and said: 'I think I know exactly what you need to finish the look' and then poured the rest of her champagne all over him, grinning like a rebel. They all watched her in utter shock as she grabbed the piece of cake she had refused earlier with her bare hands and shoved it in her mouth like a barbarian, then showed them the finger and dragged me out behind her." "Hwasa is badass!" I let out, unable to hold it. He nods in agreement. "Yeah, she is. And from that day on, she didn't care who saw it. She told me I was the one who finally gave her the courage to stand up to those lying snakes, break off her engagement and move out of her parents house." "So you asked her out after that?" Again, Namjoon chuckles. "Nah. Once we got out of that Gala, she just turned to me and said: 'Congratulation. I'm your girlfriend now' and, well, it was Hwasa, what was I going to say except yes?"

We both let out a giggle, before a shadow crosses over Namjoon's features. "Then my brother died." The loss in his voice sends a sharp pain through my heart. I wish there was something I can say, but there just isn't as he continues. "I wasn't in a good place back then, Lian. By brother's suicide did more damage than you could imagine, not just to me and my father but my brother's best friend too. I'd known him since I was a little boy, and we were friends too...or so I had though. It all went to shit when my father died too and I had a rather unpleasant fall out with my brother's best friend. I hurt Hwasa. I know she had feelings for me and wanted to help me get through it, but I left her anyway. I don't handle my loss very well. I don't fall into rage or grief or despair though. I turn cold. Calculative. I shut off all and every emotion and only my rational mind controls my actions. And my actions... they were solely driven by revenge. Revenge on the one who had a hand in my brother's suicide. And in my revenge was no place for a girlfriend or- well... I pushed her away, said... I said things to her I will regret for the rest of my life. It took me a long time to get over my brother's death- to find my own way of healing and letting go of my revenge. And even though I did that to her, she never left my side. No longer as my girlfriend, but as a friend who supported me and helped me out of the dark." I let out a rattling breath, hearing him speak so openly about what he lost. "Did you love her?" He glances back at me, opening his mouth but no sound comes out. His eyes fall shut and he takes a deep breath before he breaths: "I never stopped."He opens his eyes and I see his words mirrored there. Hope blooms in my chest. Hope for the two of them to get the happiness they deserve. "You wanna know what I think? I think it's not too late." He chuckles quietly. "Are you planning to play cupid again?" I smile too but shake my head. "No. I think this is something the two of you can figure out yourself. And I'm sorry to tell you this, Namjoon, but if you let someone like Hwasa slip through your fingers, I don't care how high your IQ is, that makes you pretty dumb and I'm probably gonna have to kick your ass." His answering laugh sounds almost happy. Nodding more to himself, he lets go of my hands and stands.

"I guess I should give it my best shot then. Don't wanna make someone like you mad, right?" "You can bet on that. I can get very nasty. And now I'm even getting some training! You wont even see me coming." I joke back and his low rumble of laughter is like medicine to my heart. He leans down and kisses my forehead. It bares nothing other than love between family and I smile after him as he leaves. I turn to Hoseok who still sleeps peacefully and gently let my hand run through his hair, hoping it will sooth him. "See?" I tell him, even though I know he can't hear me. "I'll make them laugh, even when you can't"