⫣44⫦ When he Sun disappears

Yeah, like I said... never get comfortable when things look good...

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We actually do take a shower then, Taehyung over-flowering me with compliments how good it felt and that I was a natural. I'm grinning the entire time, feeling more than a little triumphant. And smug.

There is some more kissing and touching as he helps me shower around my tattoo. Then we head back to his trailer and get dressed. "Here," Taehyung says, handing me a large pink bag. I take it and nearly loose my balance, it's that heavy. "What the hell is in there? Brick stones?" Taehyung chuckles. "No. That is Hwasa's idea of getting you 'a few' clothes she thought would look awesome on you. She brought them earlier today when she picked up the Porsche." I gape at him, then down to the bag. "You mean this is all mine?"

He nods, then grins wildly. "I might have taken a sneak peak inside. And if you ever wear that red, lacy dress, I can promise you that you wont make it one step out of this trailer before I fall all over you." My stomach knees turn to jello but I manage a dark chuckling: "So animalistic, you men!" I haven't even seen the dress he's talking about, but it's already my favourite. Taehyung decides to go for a white t-shirt with a deep neckline, revealing a lot of his chest and shoulders which is tucked into comfortable black trousers. I watch him as he takes the front of his hair and binds it in a bun on top of his head, revealing his forehead. It makes him look older and more dangerous- like the gang member he is. Like I am now too, I realize and open the pink bag. "God, I love Hwasa," I murmur as I pick out piece after piece, one more daring than the other. These clothes were the complete opposite of what my mother made me war all those years, and I couldn't be happier about it.

"What do you think, Tae?" I ask when I hold up the black piece of fabric that I've chosen. His eyes widen, skip to me then back to the thing in my hand, then his eyes narrow. "You really want me to go crazy, right?" I laugh and nod which makes him roll his eyes. He sighs. "Look, I'm never going to forbid you to wear anything, just make sure you can live with the consequences later." "And what would those be?" He smiles like I've just stepped into his trap. "Wear that and you'll find out tonight."

****

"Holy shit, what are you wearing?" Namjoon exclaims as he sees me and Taehyung join them in the canopy. The sun has already vanished, but it's still bright enough to see well. Yoongi's head turns in our direction, then he stops in the middle of feeding the fire, his eyes widening as he glances me up and down. Jin's reaction is the best, as he chokes on his beer and then bursts out into wild coughs, ringing for air. Jimin and Jungkook let loose some low whistles and hoots. Well, at least the gays know how to properly greet a bitch like me. Because that's what I looked like: A bad bitch. The black dress I wear is hardly allowed to be called that. The top is nothing more than a bra, dipping down low to reveal the shape of my breasts surrounded by lace and nothing more, then it hugs my waist as tight as a second skin. The skirt only barely reaches over my ass and a thigh garter is fastened on my right leg for extra badass-ness.

To finish the style, I opted for thigh high black boots and put my hair up in a high pony tail. I more than enjoy their dumbfounded expressions, but something is missing as I look around. "Where is Hoseok?"

Namjoon's expression changes into one of worry as he glances over to Hoseok's yellow trailer, the one at the far right, painted into a big massive sun. "He wanted to lay down for a while. He wasn't feeling good," Namjoon eventually says, but I feel like there is more to it. "And what's really going on?" I ask, hands in my hips as I wait for a real answer. Taehyung sighs loudly next to me, then pulls me down on one of the sofas. "Let's hope he's just tired, okay?""But-" "Here, drink this," Jin suddenly interrupts, handing me a cup filled with dark liquid. I take it, but only because it smells like booze mixed with cola, then open my mouth to fire more questions. Yoongi lets out a groan. "Just drink, enjoy the music and shut up Lian. I'm sure Hoseok will be fine." As a way to underline his words, he turns up the volume of the music, the bass filling the air.

I stare at the cup in front of me for a second. Fine. Let's just get fucking wasted and not care about anything tonight. Under six watchful eyes, I drown the entire cup, set it down and say: "Happy now?" "That's ma girl!" Jimin yells from other side of the fire, holding his own cup in the air and gulping it down too. I forget about my questions as the warm feeling spreads in my stomach. And boy, does BTS know how to have a fun time. Five minutes after sitting down, I'm already giggling on the floor- ten minutes later Jimin has me dragged up and made me dance.

Half an hour later I'm sweaty all over, dancing on the table, yelling and hooting with the others and there is no one to stop us or yell at us or judge us. Here we can be whatever we want. I smoke, drink, scream into the night and show God my middle finger. Fuck everyone else: this is all that matters. Jimin challenges me to a flip-off: whoever lands the better back flip wins, the looser has to drink. I lie on the floor choking on air while laughing when Jimin holds his nose shut, forced to drink the worst mixture of alcohols I could find. Jin looks pretty fucking drunk when he and Namjoon hold a battle of worst dad-jokes, Jimin being the loudest at laughing, rolling on the floor in hysteria, holding his stomach. Taehyung makes out with me in front of everyone, which has me both blushing, turned on and smug at the same time. Somehow Tae and Jungkook end up in a wild chase around the entire camp, for what reason I don't even remember as my thoughts turn blurry. Jimin knocks my elbows and grins at me cheekily: "Mine is winning!" he bursts out just before we both hear Taehyung shout in defeat. The night has finally set and the two of them had run off too far for us to see. The first thing we manage to make out as they come back, is Taehyung being dragged back by the youngest in a choke hold, grinning wildly while holding on to his Hyung. Taehyung only manages to struggle out when they already reach us, his bun having come undone and his hair disheveled like he had put up resistance- and miserably failed. He growls with a pout, his face red. "That's not fair! Namjoon, I think we should stop feeding him so much, he is getting out of hand! Look at him! I used to be able to hold him down with one hand, now he does it to me!" I can't help but giggle. God, who knew he could be this cute, all pouty and mad. "Stop whining. I bet Jimin doesn't complain when JK holds him down!" Yoongi throws in and everyone breaks out in laughter and hoots except Jimin who turns red. Even Jungkook chuckles, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend as if to say: well, they're not wrong."Nah, Nah," Jin then proclaims with a head shake in my direction, the rest of us still giggling. "You don't get to laugh, Lian!" I look up at him confused even as Namjoon grins wildly, and screams in the most high-pitched female voice he can muster; "Oh, Tae! Tae! OH!" I turn a deep red when I wonder just how much they had overheard earlier. Too fucking much, apparently. Then I narrow my eyes, drink the last sip of my cup and grin at our leader darkly. "Oh, you're gonna regret that!" Then I start chasing him around the fire, his laughter almost louder than the music."Yoongi, hold him," I shout and then watch as Yoongi does exactly that, happily betraying his leader for me. Namjoon has no time to escape or shake Yoongi's grip as I tackle him and we both go down. Then I stop, looking down at him as I sit on top. He laughs even more. "You have no idea what to do now, do you?"

I don't. I haven't thought that far ahead. So instead I laugh too. I want to laugh or the rest of my life and never stop.

I stand and start to walk over to my usual place: in Taehyung's lap who is waiting for me with a happy gin. That's when a loud crash rips through the night, even louder than the music. "What was that?" I ask as Yoongi already kills the music.

For a second everything is eerie silence. I'm not even sure they are breathing, all on high alert. Then there is another loud bang and all our heads whip around to the source of the noise.It's like I see it happening in slow motion as all their faces fall, Taehyung, Jungkook and Jimin looking at each other. They nod, barley visible and then they are off faster than the wind, running over to the yellow trailer before I have a chance to even blink. I stand there absolutely dumbfounded. "I'll get the syringe," Jin shouts, heading the other way into their living-area trailers, his face a mask of worry and fear. I really don't understand. What's happening? Yoongi has already followed after the maknae's, leaving me and Namjoon behind, the fire crackling next to us, but unable to warm me as I shudder. I turn to him just as another set of crashes and sounds come from the trailer, but it's too dark to see anything. "Namjoon?" I only ask, my voice shaky. I know something is wrong. I could see it in that millisecond before everyone took off. I'd known something was off with Hoseok since this afternoon. But they had told me not to worry... Namjoon's worried expression turns pained and I can swear I see tears fill his eyes. He rubs his eyes and lets out a sigh of utter despair. "He's been showing signs all day. I just hoped- I guess-" He stops his lost stammering. If I didn't already know this was serious, now I do. Namjoon sounds hopeless, his face pale. "Tell me," I whisper, the fear I feel obvious in my trembling voice. Namjoon looks down at his shaking hands like he could find an answer there, his head hanging low. "He was good for so long. I hoped he had it under control." He doesn't look like he's hearing me, so I step forward and shake him until he looks at me. "Tell me Namjoon." There is a scream, so loud and pained and crazed, it hardly sounds human. But I know that voice, even though I only ever heard it laughing and joking and giggling. My mind doesn't want to make the connection. It can't be Hoseok. It can't! Namjoon's body flinches like the sound had physically hurt him, his voice grave. "Do you remember what I told you about how we found Hoseok? About his clubbing and taking all those drugs?" My stomach drops. I feel sick. "You- You said he sometimes gets these attacks-"I drift off and glance back to the yellow trailer, barley visible in the night. "I might have played it off a little. You should stay here, Lian. You don't want to see him when he's like that. It's almost... like it isn't him." He already starts for the trailer before I move into action. "Are you sure?", he asks when he sees me walking next to him. I shake my head. No. I'm not sure, but what choice do I have? This is Hoseok. My family. Nothing, not even my own fear can stop me from going in there. Namjoon nods, like he understands how I feel. Together we cross the small distance. There is another loud crash just as we enter. "Stop! Hoseok, look at us! It's Tae! And Jungkook, and me, Jimin!", I hear Jimin shout just as we make it through the door. The room is a mess. I've only been in Hoseok's trailer once, when they had all showed me around. Like I expected from a bubbly guy like him, his trailer was an arrangement of colors, from orange painted walls, to yellow curtains, a red sofa with green cushions and posters of puppies over his bed. He had proudly shown me his ridiculous collection of stuffed animals from unicorns to puppies to giant teddy bears. He said he thought they looked cute, that's why he collected them but now I wonder if it's a way to cope with his pain.

A stuffed animal for every time his parents left him alone in that massive mansion? Of feeling like there is always someone with him, even if it's just stuffed animals?

He had them rowed up and carefully arranged as he presented them to me with glee in his eyes. Like sunshine. Now they are spread around the room, some of them broken and missing limps, their insides torn out in blind rage.

The posters on his wall had been ripped down and pieces of wood lay splintered around, as if someone had thrown the chair against the wall.

And then there is Hoseok. The air leaves my lungs. It can't be him.

He stands in front of the bed, his pajama shirt ripped and blood covering his arms, like he hurt himself in his rage. His brown hair sticks to all sides, droplets of sweat running down his forehead as he violently shakes his head.

His face is drawn in a snarl, his teeth showing as he grabs for the next best thing and throws with a scream so lost and pained it almost makes me stumble to the floor if not for Namjoon's supporting hand on my back. The alarm clock breaks in a million pieces when it hits the wall, some of the splinters hitting Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook. They don't seem to care as they hopelessly watch Hoseok howl and grab at his own hair like his thoughts were haunting him, their eyes pained as they watch their brother helplessly. I get a glimpse of his eyes then. They are glazed over, wild and confused and afraid. I know he doesn't see us. I'm sure he doesn't see anything real, lost to whatever hell his brain conjured up for him. Hot tears stream down my face and a sob escapes me when he screams like he is in pain again. My heart breaks. If I ever meet those parents of his, I'm going to fucking kill them! But as soon as Jungkook tries to step forward to calm him, Hoseok explodes back into action. "NO, NO, get away! Get away!" He screams as he pushes Jungkook hard. Jimin barely manages to catch him as JK stumbles back. My breath catches. To make Jungkook stumble like that, you had to either be very strong or absolutely lost to fear. "Damn, where is Jin with the sedative?" Taehyung rumbles, speaking to no one in particular, keeping his eyes on the brother in front of him like he's a wild animal. "I got it!" Jin's voice suddenly shouts as he burst into the trailer, holding a long needle with a colorless liquid. He breaths heavily, his cheeks flushed. The three maknae's share another glance. It's like they're one brain, able to understand each other without words. They move like one as well. Jungkook from the left, Jimin from the right and Taehyung straight for Hoseok's middle. Jungkook takes one arm, Jimin another as they push him down on the bed, Taehyung cradling on top, forcing him down with his weight. Hoseok screams as he trashes against their hold and I see their struggle to contain him. The three of them together might be stronger, but there was no end to Hoseok's crazy rage. I see Jin shoot forward, needle ready in his hand. Just as he is about to insert it into the trashing boy's thigh though, Hoseok manages to break Jimin's hold on his hand, throwing Taehyung off him as he shoots up. Jimin is knocked to the side by a flaying hand while Taehyung hits the floor with a loud bang. Jin stumbles back too, dropping the needle which shattered on the floor. It's like seeing a caged animal as Hoseok snarls and pushes Jungkook away from him as well and this time there is no Jimin to catch him. He crashes against the trailer wall with a bang. Yoongi is there a second later, but he hasn't even reached him before Hoseok punches him and send him to the floor too. "Shit," Namjoon curses and leaves my side to help Yoongi to his feet as the other hold his already reddening cheek in pain. If even the three maknae's failed... Hoseok's crazed eyes suddenly fall on something shiny next to him. The world stops for a moment as I see what it is: a piece of glass that must have splintered off from the alarm clock. He picks it up. Time seems to slow down again as he points it at himself, pain shining out of his eyes but not seeing anything.

I don't think- there is no time. "No, Lian stop. He's not in his right mind!" Taehyung's voice shouts from the floor, but he isn't fast enough to stop me as I fling myself at Hoseok. I hardly feel the pain as I hug him closely, wrapping my arms around him and tackling him just like I had Namjoon earlier. "Hoseok, stop, please," I cry next to his ears, my head buried in his neck as I hold tight. "Please. It's me, Lian. You can stop. I'm here. I'm not leaving." I feel him struggle against my hold, but I only hold on tighter like my life depends on it, even as he screams in frustration. I don't know how long I cling to him like that before I feel his struggling decrease, his breathing slowing down a little and his rigid body relaxing. Carefully I draw away to look at him. I let out a sob, because what I see is no longer glazed over eyes and a wild expression. Hoseok looks at me with huge, confused eyes, but they are clearer now. I take his face in my hand, stroking the sweaty hair from his face, his breathing still ragged like he had just run a marathon. "It's okay now," I whisper even as tears still stream down my face. "Lian?" His voice is croaky, broken from all the screaming and yelling but I couldn't be happier to hear it. I nod. "Yes. It's me. I'm here."He takes a long rattling breath then looks at the others standing behind us. What I see written on their faces can't be put into words. It's relive, shock and fear, yet hopeful and glad. "Oh no," Hoseok let's out and his body shakes all over as he understands what happened- what he did. Yoongi already shows signs of a blackening eye, Jimin holds his arm protectively, like he fell on it and all three maknae's are covered in small little cuts and bruises. "I'm sorry," he whispers as he looks back at me, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry..." He keeps repeating the words as heavy sobs rock his body. My heart breaks a second time as I pull him close. His arms come around my body too and holding on to me like I'm the only thing keeping him sane. I keep whispering to him, telling him I won't let go- that it's okay, I'm here and wont leave, stroking his hair while doing so.

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