Chapter 4

Waking up after a night of drinking is always bad. Waking up after a night of drinking and your ex threatening you over the phone is definitely worse. Me being stubborn, I pushed it to the back of my head, telling myself he jusht wanted to scare me. It worked.

The debate of telling JJ was fresh in my mind when I travelled down the stairs and back into the kitchen to see that no one was awake yet. What would happen if he knew? He didn't need the drama in his life, a lot of things he did now were watching by thousands of people, the last he needed was word getting out that he had been hangning out with a crazy chick with baggage to last for miles. No, I wouldn't tell him. This was my chance to start over and I refused to let Aaron fuck that up for me. He was angry that I was moving that, that's all.

Even with my headache I wanted to do something nice for the 4 boys that were kind enough to let me invade their bachelor pad. So after choking down two advil, I got started on a beautiful breakfast. Putting 3 pans on the oven, each containing something different. It took me forever to find everything I needed but eventually I started on bacon, scrambled eggs, and pancakes. I am not a cook but where I do succeed in the culinary arts, I've gotten it down to perfection. As the food was cooking, I took the time to quietly clean up all the empty cups all the guys left laying around last night, careful not to wake Harry who was still passed out on the floor. It was the least I could do.

Their kitchen was huge. The counter tops were marble with a black and white theme, in the middle of the kitchen sat an island to match. I wondered if they ever put it to use, if any of them knew how to make anything. Sitting above and below the countertops were the cabinents that accented the entire room nicely, being a light brown to give the entire room a nice, warm feeling. That whole YouTube thing might not be so bad after all, just how much did JJ make from it anyway?

Breakfast was mostly when Vik was the first one to wake up around noon and pad his way in the kitchen. It was nice to watch his face light for the mass amount of food that had been placed on the table. He was a soft spoken kind of cute, different from the rest of the boys.

"No way, what's all this?" He asked sitting down and immediately shoveling the food onto his plate.

"A thank you, sort of. For making me feel right at home." Putting the last of the bacon on the plate I took a seat across from Vik with my tea.

"You didn't need to do this but I'm glad you did."

It didn't take any longer than 20 minutes for the rest of the gang to wake up. All of them appreciative to waking up and not having to eat cereal again. It really wasn't much, seeing as it was their food I was cooking that they had bought with their own money, but it was a step in the right direction in repaying them. No one except for JJ will understand why I'm grateful, but that's okay. They just needed to know I was.

They insisted on helping with the clean up but I declined, telling them they had videos to make and headaches to nurse. To be honest, they didn't need much convicing, JJ hugged me tightly before exiting the room with everyone except Simon, who stayed. Without a sound he picked up a plate and started washing it.

"You really don't have to-"

"I want to," he interrupted. His stern look that he gave me showed that there was no room for argument. Instead I dried the dishes he put in the drainboard and put them back where they belonged. A comfortable silence fell upon us for at first, neither of us needing to say something just to say it. But then questions started to fill my mind about just how much he knew about everything.

"What did JJ tell you about me?" I asked without looking at him.

Simon handed me a pan. "He told me that you were a tough red head who didn't take shit from anyone. That you've been really mad at him that past two years and wouldn't talk to him. You're the only person in his life that really gets him, and vice versa. He's my best friend but I know I'm always going to come second to you, that's okay." A small grin found it's way to my face. JJ thought I was the most special person in the world, that there was something better about me than other people. Mostly I thought everything he said about me was a load of shit, but to have someone think so highly of you. That's why me and JJ could never date, we started to care about each other too much, a level deeper than dating, deeper than attraction.

"I don't think that's all he told you," I replied back softly. Simon knew more than he let on, maybe not everything, but enough.

The water was turned off and Simon twisted himself so that he was now leaning against the sink wiping his hands off with a wash cloth. "Don't worry, he didn't go into details. Just told me you had a rough time. I don't think any differently of you, it wasn't easy for me in high school either."

If only he knew. "Don't tell anyone, yeah?"

"Of course." His eyes were a nice shade of blue that weren't too vibrant against is lightly tanned skin. You can tell a lot about a person from their eyes, and his were telling me that he meant what he said. It wouldn't be as easy as just saying that I could trust him, that wasn't logical. Aaron taught me that no matter how genuine someone could seem, it was all an act.

Our eye contact was too intense, it was almost like Simon was reading my mind and I couldn't take it. Without another word, I turned on my heel and headed out of the kitchen and up the stairs in search for JJ. It was about time for me and my best friend to get the alone time I'vr been craving. A few minutes here and there just wasn't enough.

He didn't answer when I knocked softly on his door. Impatiently, I swung the door open only to find him sitting at his desk with his headphones in and staring deeply at his computer screen. When he didn't notice me enter his room I carefully walked up behind him, careful not to get in his line of vision. Once I was close enough, I lifted both of my arms up high up in the sky and slammed them down on both of JJ's shoulders. What I didn't expect was this girly scream come from such a tough guy's throat as his entire body jumped completely out of his seat.

Doubling over in laughter at the sight, my back flopped down onto his bed, wild hair falling all over the place. JJ gathered himself before taking off his headphone and looking at me with a sour face. I found that even funnier and continued to laugh even as my stomach began to cramp. "Y-you should have seen your face!"

"It's just not right to sneak up on a man while he's editing."

"Editing what?"

"Videos for my channel."

"Oh yeah." I could feel myself losing enthusiasm. What kind of shitty person was I? Angry that my best friend was living the dream. I didn't want to live in his shadows. Truth me told, I only wanted to be someone who was good enough to be his friend. His friends here, they're all just like him. And I'm so different. A lost cause. "How's that going?"

"Really good. You know I never really thought about doing it before I moved away and had to distract myself from how much I worried about you. I played video games constantly, got pretty good. It was actually Simon who convinced me I was good enough for people to want to watch."

"I could have told you that," I huffed. "You and Simon are really close, yeah?" There wasn't much I was doing to hide my jealousy from JJ who looked at me with a sympathetic smile, which I hated. Part of the reason I refused to tell anyone about my past was because I didn't want their pity. "Stop looking at me like that, asshole. It was just a question."

"Simon's my best mate, but he's never going to replace you, why don't you know that? You always question our friendship on my part, it wasn't me who stopped picking up the phone Kells."

Because you had it all figured out and I was still scrambling to find myself, I thought. But wouldn't dare every say out loud. Instead I tried to change the subject, not coming in his room to start an argument. "So a lot of people watch your videos? How does it work?"

JJ shook his head knowing I was just dodging the deep talk but went along with it. "I get a good amount of views. Usually I'll use my computer to record what I'm seeing on my screen and use another video camera to record my reactions. It sounds complicated but it's really not. The longest part is the editing. No one wants to watch a disorganized video. I think you'd be really good at it. You're funny, sometimes. And you could do anything you want as long as people are willing to watch it, you know?"

"That's your thing JJ. I know you want me to have a good time here and I am, but I'm not the same as you. People don't like me like they like you, obviously."

A loud sigh errupted from JJ's throat, and instantly knew I was in for trouble. "If you keep thinking like that you're never going to get anywhere. Can't you see that this is where you belong? The boys here already love you but you can't wrap you close mind around that not everyone is like the people at home. You need to at least try something different or you coming out here was a waste of time."

There were very few times that JJ had talked to me like that. The last time I could remember was when I got too drunk on stood on the ledge of the pier, earning nearly an hour long lecture about my safety. JJ only got serious when it was important, his normal personality usually carefree and light. "So what do you want me to do?" I asked sotfly. At this point all I felt was that I was doing everything wrong. JJ must have knew because his tones changed nearly right after.

"Kells, I need you to try. YouTube might be dumb to you but can't you see how much it helped me?"

No matter how much I wanted to argue, tell him that it wasn't the same because he was better than me. JJ was the kind of person people wished they were while I was the kind of person people stayed away from. But, God, he was right. I've only been here a day and it seemed like this place was changing me for the better.

"So tell me how to do it. What's the first thing I need to do to make things better. Show me JJ."

And he did, he showed me how to work his video camera that he said I could use and explained all the things he did to not feel weird not talking to anyone yet talking to everyone in the world who watched. I took in everything to the best of my ability. I didn't know when I'd be able to make that step. It'd be so much more than just recording myself. It's revealing pieces of myself to people who might not like who I am. Right now all I could do was take it day by day and be the person I knew I could be. What I've always wanted to be. There wasn't any time to waste.