17 | ❝ IT ALL FELL DOWN... ❞

══════════════════════════════════════════

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

❝ IT ALL FELL DOWN ❞

══════════════════════════════════════════

[ season 2, own storyline ]

TRIGGER WARNING!

This chapter discusses the topic of exploiting women for a known purpose...

This is such a difficult topic that I can't even bring myself to say the name.

Please keep this in mind...

LISSIE POV

THE SUN HAD LONG SET, BUT SHE COULDN'T TAKE HERSELF AWAY FROM READING THE BOOK. She'd made it a point of honor to finish reading Buck's gift tonight, completely ignoring all news from the outside world. She was sure someone had tried to call her on her phone, or Rosie called her for dinner, but after the third time, she'd given up completely. She was so drawn into the plot and its ending that she couldn't just tear herself away from it now.

Finally, as she closed the cover, she felt empty. She knew this book was good, but she hadn't expected it to be this good. She had a typical book hangover, and she was sure she'd be living with this plot and characters for the next few days. She put the book aside and reached for her phone, wanting to thank Buck again for the Valentine's Day gift. Besides, she'd promised him that as soon as she finished reading, she'd give him a full report and her impressions, and she intended to keep that promise.

Lissie unlocked her phone and immediately went to the messaging app, quickly clicking through the entire message to Buck. She knew he might not respond immediately because he was working an extra shift at 118, but she wanted him to know she'd managed to finish reading and that it was one of the best gifts she'd received recently. Only then did she start clicking on every notification that popped up on her phone. Most of them were simple ads and promotions – she'd signed up for various stores' newsletters far too often, hoping for some extra discount on her first order. There was also a short message from her father, wishing her a good night's sleep, and a notification from Ian's Instagram account that her friend had uploaded a new photo, showing only his body from waist to neck in his firefighter uniform, which was unbuttoned, and he wasn't wearing anything else under his jacket, revealing his muscular chest.

Flirty.

She shook her head in amusement and liked the photo, then typed a short, humorous comment. After that, she finally clicked on the last notification – a message from an unknown number with an apparently large attachment, as it didn't show up in the preview. At first, she wasn't going to click on it at all, fearing it might be a scam, but ultimately, for her own peace of mind, she clicked on the message. Her anxiety grew when she saw only a link to an external source, and underneath the message:

Missed me, pretty?

There was only one person who called her that. And even though it was just a simple word, it repulsed her utterly, and above all, it brought back memories she'd tried so hard to bury for the past two years. She clung to the faint hope that it wasn't possible. That Austin was still in prison, and the guy she'd seen a while ago at the store wasn't him.

But really?

All her cheerful mood vanished, and she managed to forget how excited she'd been moments ago about the book she'd just read. With trembling hands, she clicked the link she'd received, which took her to the video. The screen was black, and all that was visible were the white buttons. Heart pounding, she pressed the play button, and the video started. The image was almost flawless, exactly as everyone in the courtroom had seen it – the judge, the jury, Suzanna, Ian, and those members of their Chicago unit who had come to support her that day. The video showed her half-dressed, the worn-out Chicago motel room, and Austin leaning over her, holding her still as he...

Lissie quickly locked her phone and tossed it to the other side of the bed.

It was a memory she'd tried to bury for months, and all it took was a single moment for it to come back to her in the most brutal way.

Tears immediately welled up in her eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if it would help rid her head of the persistent image, but it was practically etched into her memory, along with every sound she'd just heard – sound she remembered perfectly every night she relived her worst nightmare.

This was what she'd secretly hidden from everyone.

Her breathing became faster and shorter as she realized her world was about to collapse like a house of cards again. She'd fled Chicago for this very reason, but escapes had a way of catching up with you sooner or later.

The sound of approaching footsteps briefly brought her back to reality. She quickly wiped her cheeks, just before Rosie knocked and then entered the room. She was wearing pajamas and her hair was tied in a high ponytail; she was definitely getting ready for bed, but before she dozed off, she wanted to make sure her friend didn't stay too long without food.

"Lissie? Still reading, eh?" Buckley said, leaning against the door frame. She looked at her best friend with a smile, but it quickly vanished when she noticed something was wrong. "I left you dinner, so you can heat it up if you want."

Nash didn't answer, still staring at the phone at her feet. Rosie seized the moment and decided to go inside.

"Is everything okay?" Rosie asked with concern. It was surely the stupidest question, since anyone – even someone who didn't know Lissie – would be able to tell nothing was wrong. But she nodded stubbornly, not even glancing at Buckley. "Come on. That wouldn't convince even Chim."

Rosie hoped her friend would laugh at the joke, but Lissie was practically like a rock – motionless and oblivious to the world around her. All she could do was stare at her phone, as if it were the answer to all her questions – or her greatest undoing. Lissie couldn't focus on anything. She knew Rosie was in her room and she should do everything she could to show she was fine, but this time putting on a mask was much harder. All she could think about was what would happen if Austin caught her again and how she should tell Rosie and her father. Because now – it was certain – she had to tell them about what had happened in Chicago.

She felt Rosie sit down next to her on the bed, and she almost unconsciously flinched at the unexpected proximity. Her body defended her, practically telling her to move as far away from Buckley as possible.

"You know I'm not pressuring you, I'm just caring, right?" Buckley asked gently, though it was clear that Lissie's treatment had only made her more worried. "I feel like there's something you're not telling us... You've been acting differently lately. Sort of like yourself, but not entirely. I thought it might be the stress of moving to Los Angeles, but now I know it couldn't be just that."

"I'm fine," Lissie finally replied, but her voice was cold, almost rote.

Rosie could recognize that attitude – young Nash was withdrawing from her, retreating into her bubble of problems. If Rosie often had trouble talking about the bad things going on in her life, Lissie was a damn good actress. She could put on a facade that everything was okay when, in reality, she was falling apart. And it seemed to be exactly the same now.

"I know you. This isn't you. I just don't understand why you won't tell me."

Lissie lifted her blank gaze.

"Maybe there's nothing to talk about?" she snapped, exasperated.

This wasn't how she wanted this conversation to go. She should have told her directly what had happened, to finally lift this burden from her shoulders, but she couldn't.

Rosie sighed heavily.

"And that just shows me you're pretending everything's okay. You're putting on the same mask again, like after your family's funeral..."

"What are you so hung up on, huh?" Lissie stood up from her seat and reached for her phone, checking to make sure it was locked. She didn't want Rosie to accidentally see the video she'd received. "I'm fine. I'm not faking anything. Everything's great, and I'm not putting on any mask."

"I know you're having nightmares," Rosie blurted out directly, and Lissie froze, her back turned to her. She hadn't expected that at all, because she was sure no one had heard anything, or at least Rosie hadn't mentioned it once. Until now. "I just don't know why, because you never had any... You've lost all your joy, and I'm not just talking about the holidays, but in general. You always had a glow around you, and I know it might sound silly, but it was. Now it's gone, and you don't even laugh the same way you used to."

"Breaking news, people change."

"Are you trying to show me with irony that you're not suffering at all?" Buckley stood up to catch up with Lissie, but she quickly towered over her due to her height. "You're pushing me away, and I want to know why!"

"I just..." Lissie felt resigned. She didn't want to argue with her, but Rosie was starting to get stubborn too. She felt trapped, and she understood why, but it didn't change the fact that Buckley was starting to push her too hard. "Let it go. Go to sleep. You're going on shift early tomorrow morning."

Rosie laughed ironically and folded her arms across her chest.

"Don't tell me you're so worried about me and my dream when you won't tell me what the hell's going on with you!?"

"Maybe I'm tired of you hovering over me like I'm some wounded, beaten dog!"

"Maybe I wouldn't have to do this at all if you'd been honest with me for even a moment since you came to LA."

"Well, I'm not the one with the problem being honest between the two of us," she said coldly, surprising even herself.

It was a low blow, and she fully realized it, but it was too late. She even wanted to apologize right away, but she knew it wouldn't change anything at that moment.

Lissie turned to Rosie and noticed her grip on her shoulders, tears of anger welling in her eyes.

"I had my reasons, and you," she pointed at her, "know them perfectly well. If you think I'm going to sit and watch you pushing away everyone, you're wrong. You can even start calling me names, but I won't leave until you tell me what's bothering you."

"Oh my God!" Lissie rubbed her face irritably. "You don't understand! You have no idea what it's like to be afraid of your own shadow!"

"Then help me understand!"

"I can't!" Lissie finally shouted. She was afraid the argument would wake Marrie, of course, but she didn't want her niece to witness it.

"Why not?"

"Because if I start telling..." she said, a little calmer, tears glistening in her eyes. "Everything will fall apart. Including me."

Rosie seemed shaken by what she'd just heard. And even more worried. She tried to get closer to her, but Lissie only shrank back.

"I'm not your enemy, Lissie. I just want to help you."

"So leave me the hell alone!" she growled louder, finally shoving her phone into her pocket. She reached for her backpack, where she always packed her most important things, but now she also added a fresh pair of underwear and her nightgown.

"What are you doing?" Rosie matched her tone. "Where do you think you want to go now?"

"Anywhere but here. I need space, and you don't want to let go."

"What you need right now is to stop shutting yourself off from people when something's bothering you, until there's no one left to come back to. Do you think pushing your loved ones away will lead to anything good?"

Lissie paused for a moment, zipping her backpack shut. She thought she heard the front door close, but she didn't pay much attention.

"I think anywhere will be fine, just not with you."

She slung her backpack over her shoulder and started to leave the apartment. Rosie followed her a few steps, completely pissed and agitated.

"Great! Run! You're the best at this! But don't pretend this is something you need, because it's just the easiest way out for you!"

Lissie didn't answer, not because she had no idea what to do, but because she'd spotted Chim and a sleepy Marrie in the middle of the living room. They were both equally surprised, and young Buckley-Han was even downright terrified. She looked at her with tears in her eyes, and Lissie cursed silently as she realized that exactly what she didn't want the girl to experience had happened.

"Auntie?" she said softly and tearfully, and Lissie knew she had to leave this place as quickly as possible to avoid hurting anyone even more.

"Forgive me, Little Flower," she replied, and then, ignoring all calls from Marrie and Chim, she left the apartment.

WHEN SHE WOKE HER FATHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, HE WAS DEFINITELY SURPRISED BY THE SIGHT OF HER. He didn't, of course, shoo her away and let her sleep in the spare room, but he was definitely confused and worried, not only by the sight of her but by the state he saw her in. She knew she must have looked terrible, and when Bobby asked her what had happened, she merely said that she and Rosie had argued and that it would be best to give themselves some space for now. If her father had been surprised before, he wasn't quite sure what to do after this information. Lissie and Rosie never argued, at least not really, and that was a fact.

She didn't close her eyes for a moment, too absorbed in what had happened. Too many emotions were swirling inside her – those related to receiving the video and the argument with Rosie – and although she tried to find some resolution to the situation, and maybe even bring herself to tell her father what had happened, she couldn't. She felt blocked, and her subconscious kept telling her she couldn't tell anyone, because all they would see was someone weak, someone who couldn't handle the slightest problem.

However, the morning and breakfast with her father brought no relief at all, only more emotions and bitterness. Chim had been texting her from early morning, saying he didn't understand what they were arguing about, but that he knew them and it shouldn't be such a big deal that they couldn't talk it out calmly. At first, he tried to sound neutral, but the more often he sent his messages, the more she sensed his irritation. Around the tenth message, he finally summoned the courage to call her, and she reluctantly accepted.

" Lissie, I understand people argue, but what the hell? The girls didn't sleep all night because of you. Marrie's upset, and Rosie won't say a word about what happened between you. You could talk to her; it won't hurt you at all. "

Chim's tone clearly indicated that the entire argument was her fault. And she agreed with him. Just as she appreciated the fact that he stood so firmly behind Rosie and Marrie. At least it was clear he'd take care of them once she completely cut herself off from them. Because she knew the only thing she could do now was run away again. Somewhere far away, preferably the other side of the world... Maybe at least there, Austin wouldn't be able to find her.

"The fault isn't all on one side, Chim, and you sound like you're blaming me for everything now."

"Maybe I should, since they've had a rough night, and you seem to be acting normal!"

It was a blow she hadn't expected. Which hurt just as much as the fight with Rosie. Chim had become like an older brother to her over the past few months, but she didn't think he'd completely turn his back on her, even in a situation like this. Did that mean that the entire relationship they'd managed to build over the past few months wasn't as close as she'd thought?

"Are you calling me just to yell at me?"

"I'm not yelling, I'm just trying to understand... You and Rosie are like sisters, almost twins. And now? She doesn't want to talk, Marrie cried all night, and you sound like you want to escape it all."

"I don't know if there's any way to fix this," she admitted quietly but honestly.

Personally, she thought there was no way to fix it, or at least the one that existed couldn't get through her throat.

"You know what I see?" he said, his tone calmer, and for a moment she pushed aside the thoughts that their relationship was nothing but a lie. "I see two sisters arguing like it's the end of the world, when in reality, you're both devastated because you think you're going to lose each other."

And that was something that hurt her even more.

But that was just the beginning, because when she got to work, Maddie was already waiting at her locker, ready to fight. The eldest, Buckley, had always been nice to her and thought they had a pretty close relationship, so she hadn't expected such a tantrum over a simple argument. She understood it was about her sister, but they were all adults. If they were going to reconcile – which she doubted – then no one should interfere.

"You know what I'm going to tell you, Lissie?" Maddie glared at her with pure anger. "You're being selfish. My sister would do anything for you, and you can't even say a simple sorry."

Lissie slammed her locker shut, wanting to end this conversation before it truly began. Because this wasn't a normal conversation. Maddie was simply venting all her emotions at her, thinking she was the worst.

"You shouldn't interfere in something that doesn't concern you."

"I'm going to interfere because it's about my sister! And you hurt her. The last person I would have thought would do that. You know exactly what she's been through and you treated her like that?! How could you even? You didn't even think for a second how she'll feel about this, right? You're so focused on yourself that you don't care that Rosie cried all night, and I'm sure she's feeling the same way she did after losing Daniel again. And you call yourself a good friend?" Maddie snorted, furious. "True friends don't act like that."

"Yes?" Lissie folded her arms across her chest, irritated by Buckley's constant monologue. "And what do you know about that? You kicked your best friend in the ass when he confessed his love to you, and then you didn't have contact with any of your siblings for years. So please don't lecture me, because you know nothing about what happened between me and Rosie."

"All I know is that my sister is suffering, and it's because of you. You'd probably understand it better if your siblings were alive."

It was clear Maddie immediately regretted what she'd said, and tears welled up in Lissie's eyes. Buckley opened her mouth to probably apologize, but Nash didn't hear it, as she turned and headed for the empty desk where she'd started her shift, trying not to burst into tears.

During her lunch break, which she'd spent unusually outside the dispatch area, Buck called her. He didn't need to start the conversation for her to understand. Another person who was supposed to defend Rosie and unleash all his emotions on her about how wrong she was – and they were mostly right.

"If you're calling to tell me how wrong I am by arguing with your sister, then do it now," she said immediately after answering the call, before he could even say hello. "And let's not drag this conversation out."

"I know you two had a fight, but I'm not going to get involved... This is between you and her."

"I'm surprised," she said, playing with her fork on her empty plate. "Until now, everyone's been telling me I should run and apologize to Rosie."

"I don't know what you two were fighting about, and you probably won't tell me. I just think that after your emotions have cooled down, you both should talk calmly. The blame never lies solely with one side."

"I don't think your sister wants to talk to me..." Lissie sighed heavily. "I said something that's not so easily forgiven. I think everyone might be right when they think I'm a bad person."

"You don't believe it yourself, Liss. I fight with Rosie too, and sooner or later, she forgives me anyway. She cares about you as much as she does me, so I know it'll be the same with you. Just talk to her when all the emotions have subsided."

"I'll try," she finally agreed. "But not today. Like you said, emotions need to subside. By the way, is Rosie acting like an angry wasp at the fire station?"

"She didn't show up for work today," he confessed unexpectedly. "Chim asked Bobby for the day off for her. And you see, you're worried about her, and that says a lot."

Lissie only briefly agreed with him, because she knew much more herself – Rosie not being at the firehouse only meant she was truly falling apart. And that Maddie was damn right, because she was a terrible friend if she'd let this happen.

A DAY OFF MEANT SHE'D BURROW HERSELF INTO HER SHEETS AND SPEND IT ALL THAT WAY. However, Bobby had other plans entirely and didn't want her to be alone in the apartment. So after breakfast together, he told her he'd take her to the Grants before his shift, where May was already waiting for her, hoping for a day together. It was the last thing she needed right now, but she couldn't say no to young Grant, and perhaps this kind of time together, even if it would distract her from what was happening for a moment.

As expected, May greeted her with a broad smile and immediately dragged her to her room. Lissie wasn't sure if this was how she'd planned their day together, knowing she and Rosie had argued and wanted to comfort her somehow—which would actually be a novelty, since until now, only this small group hadn't treated her like their worst enemy. It only confirmed that this entire "family" of the 118th didn't think of her as a full member. She was just an appendage to their Captain, and it was going to stay that way, especially now.

Sometime in the afternoon, after they'd cooked and eaten dinner together, Lissie's phone rang. She almost breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Ian's picture on the screen. She could talk to him, because she wasn't sure she could survive another fight with Chime or Maddie.

"How's my favorite girl on Earth doing?" he asked enthusiastically. Lissie thought he sounded a bit too enthusiastic.

"It sucks," she decided to be honest with him. "I had a fight with Rosie."

"So how are you holding up?" Lissie frowned.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I had a fight with her?"

"Well..." Nash shook her head. Ian was a terrible liar, or maybe she knew him that well. She glanced at May, who was just finishing loading the dishwasher, and decided to retreat to the guest room for a moment.

"You talked to her," she said quickly, switching to the video call. When she saw Ian's embarrassed and remorseful face, she knew she'd hit the nail on the head. "What did you tell her?"

"What you should have a long time ago."

"Ian!"

"Lissie, you can't be mad about this now."

"You had no right!"

"I've been quiet for too long... I should have called her, and especially your father, right after it happened. I didn't do it because you asked me to, and I would have done anything for you, but this is taking too long."

"That doesn't change the fact that you had no right to talk about what happened to me behind my back!"

"If you want to be mad at me for this, I don't mind, but I won't apologize. They had a right to know..."

Lissie couldn't argue with that. She knew she should have told the truth a long time ago – long before she'd arrived in LA. But she was ashamed and blamed herself because she should have acted differently, fought harder... And yes, telling them what had happened only showed how weak and broken she was. She didn't want them to look at her like that, so keeping it a secret seemed much safer than risking the judgment that might come. She also reasoned that she didn't want to put them in danger, because she knew all too well how they would both react to such news. Her father would be furious and blame himself, and he would probably even want revenge on her, and Rosie would feel helpless because she couldn't help her, would feel guilty for abandoning her in Chicago. Silence also gave her a kind of illusion of control. When she didn't talk about it, she couldn't think about it or mention it, and that almost meant the same thing, as if it had never happened.

"When you talk to Rosie..." she said after a moment. "How was she holding up?"

"Honestly? Not so well... And I think I could have just made her feel worse, but you can't dwell on it. It's not your fault, it's mine, and I'll have to explain it to her."

"What did you say to her?"

"I just... I said something before I thought, and I know I hurt her."

Lissie sighed heavily, knowing she wouldn't learn anything more. She said goodbye to Ian and stared blankly at the wall in front of her for a moment. The fact that Rosie had learned the truth should have lifted some weight from her shoulders. But it didn't, because now she was even more afraid of confronting her. She didn't want to see in her eyes how disappointed she was in her...

May knocked gently on the door and stood inside.

"I didn't want to interrupt you while you were talking to Ian, so I made us some tea," the teenager smiled, and Lissie followed her into the living room, where two mugs of warm tea were waiting on the coffee table.

They both sat on the couch. May turned on the television so it played quietly in the background, but Lissie felt like she couldn't stop watching her, and something was clearly bothering her.

"Can I ask you something?" May asked hesitantly, turning the tea cup over in her hands.

Lissie nodded and looked up at her.

"It's about Rosie." She hesitated for a moment, waiting for Lissie to react rather nervously, but she let young Grant finish. "I don't want to get involved in your argument, I'm just worried about you."

Nash sighed heavily and leaned back against the couch.

"May, I don't have the energy for this. Maddie and Chim spoke enough about it yesterday."

"I'm not taking sides either, I just want to understand what's going on. You don't have to go into detail about why you two argued, because if you want, you can tell me about it yourself when the time is right."

"What are you getting at?"

"I don't know if Mom or Bobby told you about me trying to kill myself last year?" she said bluntly, as if it were a fact she'd learned to live with. Lissie only nodded, because she knew it, but not from her father or Sergeant Grant, but from Rosie, who had called her that day, worried that May might not wake up. "Back then, Rosie did everything she could to help me and my family. I remember how supportive she was of my parents and how she sat with me in every free moment... It's her nature to act almost like a mother to everyone she cares about. She cares about everyone she loves."

Lissie lowered her gaze, wondering where May got all her wisdom from. She was younger than her, and it seemed she looked at the whole situation much more logically than she did.

"It can be irritating sometimes," she continued, smiling quickly, knowing it all too well. "She doesn't let up because she's worried. You know her best... If she didn't sense something was wrong, she wouldn't have asked you questions."

"She worries about others because no one else did," she muttered glumly, running her thumb along the rim of the mug. "I know she didn't mean to hurt me... In Chicago, when we lived together and went out, she never left my side."

Despite everything, she smiled briefly. Chicago wasn't just about bad memories, but there were also a few good ones she cherished.

"Your relationship is strong," May confessed honestly. "You're both important to each other. Besides, I knew Rosie before you met, and I know knowing you is good for her."

"You have more sense than most adults, May."

"That's from Mom," she replied, puffing out her chest with pride. Lissie laughed briefly. "At least try talking to her. Even the worst arguments can be fixed."

Lissie nodded, making her a silent promise.

For a moment, they each sipped their tea in peace. A game show began playing on the television when the front door opened with a soft sound. Both girls turned toward the stairs to see Athena, but not alone, for Suzanna stood beside her. The red-haired woman looked nervous, even terrified, and Lissie knew there could only be one reason for her unexpected appearance in LA.

"May, will you leave us alone for a moment?" Athena turned to her daughter, and the teenager, seeing this was a rather serious matter, rose from her seat and locked herself in the room.

"Suzanna?" Lissie looked at her aunt with concern. "What are you doing here?"

"Have you been watching the latest news?" she asked, without much of a greeting. Young Nash shook her head. She'd been too busy and emotionally drained all day yesterday to worry about something as trivial as the latest news, and today she'd devoted her entire day to May.

"I haven't had a chance..."

"Austin escaped from prison," Suzanna said bluntly.

Lissie felt as if someone had punched her in the chest as hard as they could. At first, she couldn't comprehend what Suzanna had just told her. Her words sounded completely unreal and impossible, but was she? After all, she'd seen someone who looked exactly like Haywood in a store a few days ago... And that video? No one except him and the investigators had access to it.

Her hands began to shake so violently that she didn't even notice when the cup slipped from her hand and the tea spilled across the floor. She was breathing heavily, and tears of helplessness immediately welled up in her eyes.

"It's... impossible," she whispered, but her mind and heart told her it had to be true. Suzanna had no reason to lie to her in such a perfidious way.

She felt her legs give way beneath her. Panicked thoughts of having to relive this nightmare swirled through her mind, refusing to let her rest for a moment. Then she thought of all her loved ones and realized that this time, not only she was in danger, but everyone she loved, even if half of them now thought she was a monster.

Lissie pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle a rising sob. She was on the verge of collapse, feeling as if she had traveled back in time and was waking up again in that motel room, intoxicated and only half-aware of what had happened.

But that wasn't the worst part; it was the sound of the message, which Athena and Suzanna received at the same time. When Sergeant Grant opened it and then looked at Lissie, it was clear that it contained the exact same video Nash had received.

A/N

Welcome to the carousel of emotions - please make yourself comfortable, because the ride will take a while...