Chapter 18

Its almost eight in the evening when we got to Elizabeth's apartment. We haven't talk that much after the kiss but she stayed close which is enough for me. So now that we're here I've been meaning to talk to her and somehow try to break her walls around her. I still have time to spare before Casey comes back from her shift at around 10 pm.

"Hey" I whispered as I take her hand and gently turn her around in my arms as we stand in the middle of her living room just looking at each other. Its still there, the uncertainty in her eyes is so visible.

"Are you still mad at me?" I say and she smiles, a smile that doesn't meet her eyes. She lets out a heavy sigh and drops her head on my chest. She's carrying something heavy and I can feel it. What's holding her back.

"I'm not mad, I'm sorry. I'm just-" I give her a slight squeeze pulling her closer to me in attempt to give her some kind of comfort.

"You can tell me" I whispered. She lets out a shaky breath this time so I placed a gentle kiss on top of her head. "Its okay."

"I'm scared" Her voice trembles and I know she's close to tears and it was hurting me more than she could ever possibly imagine.

"Scared of what?"

"Of everything" She finally looks up her eyes welling up with tears that are daring to fall and she just lets them. "I'm scared for us, for you. Don't get me wrong Shan. This is all I ever wanted since the day you left. What I've been dreaming of happening finally coming true. But, I'm scared of the possibility that if you and I will happen again, the rest of it will happen again and I can't."

"What do you mean?" My brows furrowed in confusion. I was lost in what Elizabeth is trying to say. She sighs and pulls away from me with a strange look in her eyes.

"What happened to you was my fault." She whispers finally letting the tears fall and I stood there frozen on my spot. I watch as she walks past me and walked towards the hallway and for some reason, I followed her and she led me straight to her bedroom.

"Elizabeth?" I whispered but she didn't turn tolook at me instead she goes to her bedside table and open her drawer rummaging through her things. I can feel my heart racing still confused on what she just told me earlier. I just don't understand anything right now.

"Here." She sniffs taking out a neatly three-folded piece of paper. She walks around the bed and handed it to me.

"What is this?" I looked at the the piece of paper in my hand. Her name written on it with my own handwriting. Is this a letter, to her.

"You always give me letters or notes every time I will wake up without you beside me. And that letter is the one you wrote me the morning you left." She paused and I looked at her she still has tears in her eyes. "after the day I kissed Robbie." My heart sank shattering into millions of pieces. I stared at her a heavy weight on my chest as my hand slowly unfolds the piece of paper that she handed me earlier and read.

Good morning Elizabeth,Usually, I would've waited for you to wake up so I could say that to you and it feels weird to just write you one instead. I woke up with you beside me and for a moment I wanted to stay and hold you much longer. For a second, I wanted to just miss my flight and just cook you breakfast instead. But for some reason, my mind can't take the fact that we're just ignoring what we truly feel. I've kept things from you and you've kept things from me. That is not how a healthy relationship works and maybe time apart might put our minds and hearts into place. I just want to apologize for all my shortcomings. There must be a reason why you did that and I'm sorry if I made you do that. I'm a coward for not being able to say this to you personally and that I've already said my goodbyes to the others. I just want you to know that, I still love you so much and that won't change even if you decide that you want him instead of me. I would understand and just love you from a distance. I hope and pray that soon fate will lead us back in each others arms and we'll stay like that forever. But for now, this might be the last time I'm writing to you. I'll see you soon my love

-Shan bee

I read the letter over and over again highlighting the phrases there must be a reason why you did that and even if you decide that you want him instead of me. She kissed Robbie, while we were together? Is that it and then it happened, hitting me with scenarios of what happened.

The kiss, her leaning in to him and I was there watching her. Then I took her home and found out that she isn't wearing the ring. The ring. A sharp pain shoot through my head like lightning and I flinched as it did so.

"Shan" I felt her icy cold hands on the side of my face gently stroking my cheek. I shut my eyes from the pain and I don't know if its coming from my head or from my chest. "Just please sit down." She whispers before we sat down on the side of the bed.

"You kissed him, I was there." The first words that came out of my mouth after a few moments of silence between us. Saying it just makes it so real. I should just leave and be done with this but for some reason, I can't. That was in the past, its different now. Well, they're aren't together right now and I doubt they got back together then because if she chose him then what in the hell did she accept my request on helping me bring back my memory.

"Yea, that was the reason why we broke up at first." At first? So there was another break up after that?

"After that, is it the one where I had-"

"Yes, But the first one made your anxiety and depression worst." She swallowed as I look up to her. Her eyes are darted to the floor and not at me, fingers picking at her nails. She's anxious.

"Tell me" I say in monotone and she sighs letting out a few breaths and my mind went back to what happened earlier so I slowly held her hand to stop her from picking at her nails and placed a soft kiss on it. This seems to shock her because she just stared with me with a disbelief look. To be honest, I don't care about the kiss. It doesn't change how I feel about her. Its obvious that she regrets it and surely I've forgiven her in the past, but for some reason, I still want to know everything.

"Its okay" I smiled softly and she grips on my hand tighter lacing our fingers together holding on for dear life.And its sad because she's been holding this in days maybe weeks or years. Maybe she just need to release these feelings.

"After we broke up, you went back to LA and I stayed here with the twins. We lived our separate lives for two whole weeks. I went back to LA after to sell the house to Robbie and we talked about it and talked him out on letting me go and it worked. We're currently not on speaking terms since then. I was hoping I would see you at work but you had this arrangement with Kit that you'd go to work on days I'm not working." Her voice cracked so I pulled her closer and rest a hand on her leg. I know this is hard for her but I just really need to know.

"We had an emergency meeting. I know I'd see you there because I wasn't suppose to be at work so surely you're there and I was nervous to see you because I don't know what would happen. When I got to the conference room, Mark was holding up someone getting themselves excuse." She paused and sighs heavily.

"She was thin and weak, wears a shirt and jeans, a pair of Converse and a cap. Kit told me it was you and I refuse to believe. I didn't paid much attention to the meeting because all I think about was you and what had happened in those two weeks and I couldn't take it anymore so as soon as the meeting ended I immediately talked to Mark and he told me everything. He told me you're not eating, you skipped meals every day and work so hard, you won't stop to the extent that you don't get that much sleep. The panic attacks and chest pains, you stopped talking to Joan-"

"Who's Joan?"

"Our psychiatrist, I used to go to her for my social anxiety  and even before what we had, you had yours as well even got hospitalized by it and that's when I found out so I took you to her." All these revelations are making my head hurt. So really this is serious. Well, if we're talking about attending to sessions with a psychiatrist then this is really something to be concerned about. Was I that worse?

"Go on." I say and still offered her a smile reassuring her. She stared at me for the longest time and sighs.

"We got back together that night after forcing you to talk to me. But you were different. You barely talk, you got so insecure of how you look, sometimes I can feel you getting so distant, you're somewhere else when we're together, you get mad so easily, you're all fidgety, A crowded room is already too much for you, you started having these blackouts and its hard to bring you back. I couldn't understand what was happening, but I tried  my best to go through it with you. You had progress though because you started eating on a regular basis and you're gaining a little weight and that made me think that maybe you are really getting better until the dinner." Her brows knit together as she shakes her head. So I'm guessing that maybe this was it.

"Was this the one where I punched Trent?" I asked softly and she nods confirming it but she didn't look up to me. She just stares at our hand on her lap. "What happened?"

"I didn't listen to you when you said you weren't ready to meet them and instead I insisted that it would be alright because I'm going to be there with you. When we got to mom's house you were already shaking. I reassured you but didn't consider backing away and just go home. They greeted you one by one and I can already sense that you're not fine when the twins greeted you because you were looking so lost. By the time Trent greets you, that's when I knew something's wrong." I look away from Elizabeth as scenarios starts flashing through my head.

Shan, baby look at me.

"I pulled you to the garden and noticed that you were already having a black out. You're eyes had gone darker and I can't seem to snap you out of it"

Hey baby, I know you're in there. Please listen to me. I need you honey. Please come back, I'm sorry I forced you into this. We'll go home, I promise, just come back baby.

"Trent thought we were fighting because I was crying already and knowing him, he can be a little over protective. I was telling him to go because I don't want something to escalate between you two and you tend to be a little dangerous when you're in that state.

Liz please, I will just talk to your girlfriend

Just go let me handle this

"He said some things and that made you punch him in the face. Then the twins came and still you were out if it. I was losing hope. It was the longest time you've had it and I was getting scared and desperate."

I don't know what to do anymore Shannon. I don't know how to bring you back. Why can't I bring you back? Where are you?

"Ahhh" I flinched as a sharp pain shoot through my head that made me drop it on her shoulder. Was that it? That was what happened that night I punch Trent and the night that also made me decide that I've had enough.

"Shan! Hey, what's wrong?" I scrunched my eyes tight as the pain subsides releasing a deep breath. It came back to me, what happened that night. If I'm not mistaken, I think that was when I had a heart attack.

"I told you I won't wait for the time that I will lose control again and hurt you." I whispered. Silence, I even thought she stopped breathing for a second. "That's what I said right?" I slowly lift my head up to look at her and she just stares at me with a blank expression on her face. Her hand on the sides of my face.

"You remember?" She slowly whispers. It was barely there but I heard her pretty clearly. Tears like crystals fall from her jade eyes as her lips tremble. I hum in response and nod my head. But it still doesn't change a thing. I know its strange and just knowing that should make me change my mind in all of this. But then I realize that happened two years ago. I had a second chance and maybe this second chance was for us to start all over again and not continue where we left off.

"Hey, its okay." I whispered raising my hand to the side of her face and gently wiping the tears with my thumb. "Yes, I remembered how that night happened. But that was two years ago. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't meant to be. We broke up two times, I've had an accident that completely washed my memory away and that includes you. But still here we are, you're still here in front of me. Don't you think that is rather strange?" I whispered offering a soft smile. She breathes out deeply, and released a sound between a laugh and a cry leaning into the palm of my hand.

"I could've died in that accident Elizabeth and I was told that. But I had a second chance, and I won't waste it this time. Its not where we left off sweetheart but maybe its time that we start all over again."She smiles before launching herself to me sitting on my lap as my arms wrap around her for support and I felt home. I still can't remember everything but even though I remember all of it, bad or good, I would still choose her at the end of the day.

She's still my home. Forever