Chapter 6: Ranpo's (and Yosano's) Advice

Much like Kunikida, Dazai had found himself in dire need of some advice. Only problem was, he didn't know who he could ask cause he was painfully aware that there were at least two certain someones who would never let him live anything down. Let it be known that those girls were brutal. Dazai thought about asking pretty much anyone but Yosano and Kyouka for advice. He considered just about everyone else, and then finally came to Ranpo. The ace detective would tease him here and there but it wasn't as bad as Yosano and Kyouka, at least. Plus Ranpo was unrealistically smart, so that was another reason to ask him.

Dazai ran over to Ranpo's desk where the detective appeared to be napping. "Raaaaaaaaaannnnnnppppppoooo..."

Ranpo looked up. "What is it? This better be important, cause you woke me up from my nap."

"Sorry, Ranpo. I just really need some advice," Dazai confessed.

"Do ya now? Well, you've come to the right place," Ranpo declared.

Dazai grinned. "Awesome."

"So, what seems to be the problem?" Ranpo asked.

"It's about Kunikida-" Dazai began.

Ranpo's eyes widened. "What about him?! Don't tell me he looks forward to checkups again!"

Dazai shook his head. "Oh no, it's nothing like that. In fact, he's been a lot more terrified of Yosano lately."

"Well, that's pretty normal," Ranpo pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's not what I came to ask you about," Dazai replied.

"What is it then?" Ranpo questioned.

"Since the other day, Kunikida hasn't been that mad at me," Dazai revealed.

Ranpo's eyes widened.

"Yep, I know it's shocking," Dazai continued.

"It really is..." Ranpo was finally able to utter.

Dazai nodded.

"This is reminding me way too much of when he had amnesia," Ranpo admitted.

"Same," Dazai agreed.

"Do you think maybe he has it again?" Ranpo wanted to know.

"He doesn't. He remembers everything just fine, the only shocking thing is how he hasn't been mad at me," Dazai replied.

"That is really shocking," Ranpo noted.

"Gee, thanks," Dazai said sarcastically.

"Don't worry, I'm not shading you," Ranpo assured him.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Dazai replied.

"I know the girls never get tired of shading you, but don't worry. I only do it every now and then," Ranpo continued.

"Well, at least there's that," Dazai said.

"Indeed," Ranpo agreed.

"Any advice you might have about Kunikida?" Dazai asked.

Ranpo thought about it. "Hmmm...first I have to ask, are you afraid of Kunikida not being mad at you?"

"Well...no, at least not completely. It's nice and all, but it does remind me of when he had amnesia and that does kinda scare me," Dazai answered.

"Fair," Ranpo agreed.

"That and I gotta say, it's so out of character," Dazai continued.

Ranpo nodded. "It is."

"So...yeah, I just really need some advice," Dazai repeated.

"As you keep saying. Well, all I can say is enjoy it while it lasts-"

"Are you implying that he'll go back to being mad at me? Ouch. I expected more from you, Ranpo."

"I wasn't finished."

"Sorry."

"As I was saying, you should enjoy it while you can. Not to shade you or anything, but we all know Kunikida is mad at you more often that not. Which is understandable, cause you really do take every chance you get to ruin his schedule."

"...That sounded an awful lot like shade."

"That wasn't my intention, but it needed to be said."

"Ok, fine."

"But if I were to offer some sincere advice, I'd say maybe you should stop trying so hard to ruin Kunikida's schedule and maybe he'll stay not mad at you."

"See, I would do that. But it's more fun to try to ruin his schedule."

"Then have fun getting him mad at you."

"Oh, I will."

Ranpo sighed. "I'm serious. If you stopped throwing a wrench in his plans, then it would do a world of difference."

"I know," Dazai admitted.

"Take it or leave it, you're the one who disturbed my nap to ask for advice," Ranpo replied.

Dazai gave a thumbs-up. "Thanks again, Ranpo. I owe you one."

"Yes, you do. I want all the snacks for this," Ranpo agreed.

"I will do that whenever possible," Dazai responded.

Just then, Yosano entered the room.

"Oh no, it's scary doctor lady," Dazai lamented.

Yosano gave him a piercing glare and took out her hatchet. "Boy, you wanna say that again?!"

"Erm...no...?" Dazai replied timidly.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Yosano agreed. She still looked angry, but she put her hatchet away.

"Sup Yosano," Ranpo greeted.

"Hey, Ranpo," she replied.

"So what's going on here?" Yosano wanted to know.

"Oh, I was just giving Dazai some advice," Ranpo replied.

"Interesting," Yosano commented.

And there's no way I'm telling you what the topic was cause you're probably never gonna let me live it down, Dazai thought.

"What was the advice for?" Yosano asked.

Crap, Dazai thought.

Ranpo glanced over at Dazai, silently asking if he could tell Yosano.

Dazai gazed back and reluctantly nodded. He knew Yosano wouldn't give up until she got an answer, and at least Ranpo was offering to tell her so Dazai wouldn't have to.

Ranpo gave a thumbs-up and turned to Yosano. "Dazai here is worried cause Kunikida hasn't been mad at him lately."

"Oh yeah, that," Yosano remembered.

"Have you actually seen this happen?" Ranpo asked.

"Indeed," Yosano confirmed.

"Yeah, yesterday she chased Kunikida around the building at least three times trying to give him a checkup," Dazai added.

"Hey, you can't blame a doctor for being concerned," Yosano defended herself.

"Maybe, but it's counterproductive if your potential patient is as terrified as Kunikida was," Dazai pointed out.

"I guess," Yosano reluctantly agreed.

"I can only imagine how that looked," Ranpo remarked.

"It was equal parts tragic and beautiful," Dazai announced.

"Uh...what?" Yosano asked.

"Tragic because you wouldn't leave him alone and he was terrified as a result. But beautiful because he was screaming," Dazai explained.

Yosano and Ranpo gave Dazai a strange look.

"Mind explaining?" Yosano asked.

"Well, here's the thing. Ranpo knows what I mean," Dazai continued.

Yosano looked to Ranpo.

"I refuse to comment on that and I in fact would love to forget I ever heard it," Ranpo announced.

"Ok. So doc, the reason I said that is cause I never get tired of hearing Kunikida's lovely screaming," Dazai announced.

For once, Yosano was left speechless.

"Dazai, I think you broke her," Ranpo spoke up.

"This girl performs surgeries all the time and she's weirded out by what I said?" Dazai asked.

"Apparently," Ranpo replied.

Yosano finally was able to speak again. "You just openly admitted to having a thing for screaming, specifically Kunikida's screaming."

"That I did," Dazai agreed.

"I hope for his own sake he never hears of this," Yosano announced.

"What, you don't think he'd be flattered?" Dazai asked.

"More like weirded out and/or embarrassed," Yosano answered.

"Tsk. You don't know Kunikida like I do," Dazai sulked.

"Or maybe you don't actually know Kunikida and are just imagining things about him," Yosano shot back.

"Well, neither of us will know that for sure unless we talk to Kunikida himself," Dazai pointed out.

"Fair point," Yosano agreed.

"So yeah, Ranpo was giving me advice about these strange occurrences," Dazai announced.

Out of the corner of her eye, Yosano noticed Kunikida walk by. She smirked.

"Uh...doc? What's that look for? I'm scared," Dazai said, hiding behind Ranpo.

Even Ranpo was a bit worried at this point, so he backed up.

"Oh...nothing. Just that I might have an idea about Kunikida and how he hasn't been mad at you," Yosano declared, still grinning.

Kunikida couldn't help but overhear Yosano. Please don't suggest what I think you're going to suggest...

"And I'm convinced that despite all the worry you've been feeling, deep down you're rejoicing about this," Yosano continued.

"You lost me, doc," Dazai interjected.

Ranpo was curious now, so he was listening to Yosano's every word.

Yosano continued to smirk with every intention of Kunikida hearing what she was about to say. "Dazai, I bet you like him."

"WHAT?!" Dazai exclaimed.

ARGH, SHE SUGGESTED IT... Kunikida thought.

"You heard me," Yosano replied.

"Why was I almost certain you were going to reach that conclusion?" Ranpo wondered.

"No clue, Ranpo. But I can picture it now, Kunikida finally let his guard down and is starting to feel more comfortable about you, maybe even comfortable enough to finally share his true feelings with you. And as for you, suicidal maniac, as I said earlier, you're thrilled that at long, long last, he's becoming less annoyed with you and actually secretly has a soft spot for you and he's finally letting it show," Yosano monologued.

"I-" Dazai had no clue how to respond.

Outside the room, Kunikida was so red he very likely looked like a tomato again. Yosano why...? First Chuuya, and now you? Who's going to be next to suggest that totally untrue claim?

"And you two will become a love story for the ages, and we'll all be cheering you on," Yosano concluded.

"DOC, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Dazai screamed.

Kunikida burst into the room at that point. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT-?!" Kunikida began to yell in unison with Dazai, and then he noticed Dazai there.

Dazai noticed Kunikida as well.

The two of them blushed and looked anywhere but at each other, and it was definitely due to embarrassment and nothing else.

"Aww, just look at them!" Yosano cooed.

"I. Am. Going. To. Die..." Dazai muttered.

"Normally I'd be scolding you for saying that, but right now I feel the same way so I can't really say anything..." Kunikida agreed.

"Ok, Yosano, time to stop. You're embarrassing them..." Ranpo cut in.

"Ugh, fine," Yosano replied. That's the best thing I've ever done, saying that right at that exact moment cause I knew Kunikida was there.

"Uh...Kunikida?" Dazai asked.

"Yes?" Kunikida replied, still unable to make eye contact with Dazai.

"You didn't hear what I said earlier, did you?" Dazai wanted to know. I hate to say it, but Yosano was probably right. If Kunikida knew I enjoyed hearing him scream, I'd probably never be able to live it down, and I doubt he would, either.

"Hear what?" Kunikida wondered.

"Ok, good. That means you didn't hear it," Dazai replied, relieved.

Kunikida was confused and low-key a bit curious, but at the same time, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Ugh. That darn Yosano. First Chuuya made that claim, and now Yosano too? Kunikida decided he'd have to brace himself for more potential comments like that.

Dazai finally looked at Kunikida. "Can you believe she said that?"

Kunikida managed to do the same. "Yes and no. How about you?"

"Same," Dazai agreed.

Ranpo walked up to the two of them and put his hands on their shoulders. "You poor souls."

"Thanks, Ranpo," Kunikida replied.

"Yosano really just went and said that..." Dazai sighed.

"That she did..." Kunikida responded.

"How untrue it is," Dazai added. I...really just said that. Wow, I'm a liar. Please don't take that the wrong way, Kunikida.

"Yeah..." Kunikida agreed. I don't like Dazai, so why am I feeling this way? Why did that feel like rejection just now?

(A/N: these poor boys are so deep in denial they can't even see it 💀)

Yosano was still satisfied with herself for the claim.

Just then, Atsushi entered the room and noticed Ranpo relaxing, Yosano smirking, and Dazai and Kunikida being oblivious blushing messes. "Er...what happened here, dare I ask?"

Yosano was still smirking and pointed at Dazai and Kunikida. "Hey, kid. I just made an epic claim about those two."

Atsushi glanced at them. "What did you do to cause them to look like that?"

"I just said what neither of them would say cause of how deep in denial they are," Yosano replied.

"Huh?" Atsushi asked, still confused.

"Ask them yourself if you're so curious," Yosano suggested, shrugging.

Atsushi looked to Dazai and Kunikida for answers, assuming he'd be waiting awhile cause of their current state.

"Yosano apparently thinks Kunikida and I are secretly in love," Dazai managed to reply.

As for Kunikida, he was way too embarrassed to do anything.

"Interesting..." Atsushi remarked.

"Do you agree with her?!" Dazai demanded.

Atsushi shrugged. "I mean, that's for you two to figure out. I can't say for sure since I'm not either of you."

"Makes sense," Dazai agreed.

Why did Yosano have to go and do that? Just why...? Kunikida wondered.

"Uh, you ok over there, Mr. Kunikida?" Atsushi asked.

"I wish I could say I am," Kunikida answered.

"You look like a human tomato," Ranpo remarked.

"Thanks a lot, Ranpo," Kunikida retorted.

"But so does Dazai. So don't worry, I'm not just singling you out," Ranpo added.

"You may refer to me as Tomato Boy," Dazai joked.

That got a laugh out of everyone.