Final - Part 1

They say it will get easier, the pain will ease and I’ll be okay. How long do I have to wait for the pain to stop? I just want to stop hurting. I need it to stop hurting. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I’ve never met someone who found so much joy in other people’s misery. So much that he’s the one that causes it for his own amusement. I allowed him to toy with me, build me up just to tear me down.

Why?

I need to know why? Why me? What did I do to deserve his cruelty?

Now I feel numb. The pain is still present, like thorns of a rose scraping against my skin relentlessly. Ashton is like those roses, so beautiful at first sight but when handled without care can cause so much pain. Pain that tears through you and never lets up.

From the moment I met Ashton he’s been trying to push me out of his life, only to pull me right back in. Our relationship has always been this constant cycle. I never wanted him to push me away, no matter what his reason might have been. He’s broken and I wanted, no, needed to help piece him back together. I thought he was worthy of my kindness and compassion. Now I know I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my life.

Maybe I shouldn’t have expressed my true emotions to him. I blame myself for that, knowing damn well how he would react. I’m only human. I can only keep those feelings to myself, bottled up inside me, for so long before they come bursting out of me.

I’ve spent days and nights crying over someone who will never feel the same way about me as I do him, someone who feels absolutely nothing for me. I’m sure I haven’t crossed his mind once when every moment the two of us shared plays in my head on loop.

I’m exhausted. Exhausted from the pain and the tears I’ve shed. Even in those short hours when I managed to get some sleep, I’d wake up with a tear soaked pillow. It’s as if he haunts my dreams and I don’t have a clue how to make it stop. And I need it to stop, this hurting needs to end.

I’ve barely moved from my bed in days. I’ve missed every class since our last fight, the one that put everything to an end. The one where he wrote me off like I was nothing and I was carted away like a mental patient that needed be restrained.

It was Tuesday when I forced myself to look in the mirror for the first time in days. Messy wouldn’t even begin to describe what my hair looked like. A brush would snap trying to work through the knots and kinks of my hair. My skin was pale and blotchy. Mascara still stained my cheeks. My eyes were blood shot and puffy. I barely even noticed myself. It’s like I was staring at a stranger. A sad, lonely, broken stranger.

Adrienne forced me to shower on Wednesday. I refused, begging her to let me stay in bed. That’s when I hit my low. I was weak, both my body and my mind. The thought of standing after lying around for so many days seemed impossible.

Michael carried my weak body to the bathroom as Adrienne undressed me and showered me, washing my hair and body as I sat on the floor of the tub just staring at the wall, praying that the thought of him would leave my mind for just a moment.

Eating was another struggle. I didn’t consume much apart from the few snacks Amy forced me to eat. My stomach was just too uneasy to handle food.

Getting down crackers and pretzels was simple. Luke and Calum had brought by a pizza on Thursday and I almost vomited at the smell alone. I tried to eat a slice but the lump in my throat made it nearly impossible to get anything down.

“You’ve got to eat” Adrienne demanded. “You look like shit.” She was no longer being the nice friend, which is exactly what I needed from her. She should yell at me and force me to do things I don’t want to do.

I gave her a look, confused and slightly fearful before looking back at Luke who held out a plate with another slice of pizza on it. “You love pizza” he smiled, wafting the smell towards me.

“Yeah” Calum chuckled to himself. “You’d raid our room every weekend and eat half of my pie.”

I attempted to smile but failed, thinking about how annoyed Ashton would be when I stole a slice from him. It made him so angry when anyone touched his food. That’s why I resorted to stealing it from Calum.

“Good” Adrienne grinned. “Now you can go to class” she said, pushing me towards the edge of the bed.

I rolled my head on my shoulders, glaring at her. “What’s the point of going today? The week’s almost over” I argued.

“Don’t care” she shook her head. “You’re going.”

“No” I whined, covering my face with a pillow.

“I swear to God Shane Elizabeth if you do not get up and at least put on a bra and a pair of shoes I will call your mother and have her here in a few hours” she threatened. That was enough to get me up and going. The last thing I wanted was for my mother to come and see me like this then proceed to lecture me about my life and the boys I choose to give my heart to.

“I’ll walk you there” Adrienne told me, waiting for me to slip into my boots.

“I can go by myself. I’m fine” I said, exaggerating the word.

“I’m walking with you. And I’m buying you a coffee on the way. Do not argue with me.”

I nodded, rolling my eyes. I wasn’t going to win this battle with Adrienne. I’m just happy she got me out of my dorm room when I couldn’t bear to climb out of bed.

It was Friday morning when I first saw him. I spent Thursday night at Adrienne’s apartment watching comedy movie after comedy movie. It was a great distraction and for that tiny window of time I almost felt like myself again, not some broken girl who had her heart shattered.

I saw him and all the pain came rushing back. I felt all the blood drain from my face as I stared at him blankly. He didn’t even glance my way once, almost as if he couldn’t bear to look at my face. And in that moment I could physically feel another piece of my heart break, knowing that the one person I love more than anything is acting like I don’t even exist.

Seeing him ripped me apart. It took one short moment for him to tear out my heart and stomp on it, walking right past me like he didn’t know me at all.

I made it back to my room by the time the tears came pouring down my cheeks. I didn’t want him to see or hear me as I broke down over him. I really believed I was getting stronger, better, happier. It was all an illusion. It took one second for everything to come crashing down again.

Today.

Today is different. It’s a new day. My hurt and pain was replaced by anger and the need to move on with my life.

Ashton must become a thing of the past. He’s a bad habit I have to kick. It’s going to be tough, I know. It’s like putting an end to any addiction. It takes time and strength but one day I will be able to look back on my time with him and be okay.

If I’m truly going to try and get over this I need to be myself again, feel like myself again. And selfishly I want to win this break up. I need to put myself out there first, let the world see I’m still this fun, loving, perky person I always have been.

So when Adrienne bursts into my room I don’t even try to protest. “We’re going out!” she shouts as she heaves her body on top of mine. “No if, ands, or buts” she warns, poking my nose with her finger.

I throw my hands up. “No complaints from me. Promise” I smile.

“Perfect. Where’s that gorgeous green dress of yours that brings out your eyes?” She pushes herself off my bed and skips over to my closet, sorting through my dresses. “And it makes your ass look so good.”

“Uh, thanks” I accept her compliment. Maybe if I look good on the outside I might actually start to feel better on the inside. It’s a start.

After showering and curling my hair, Adrienne sits me at my desk to apply my make-up. I’m not planning on meeting someone or hooking up with anyone but a few glances my way couldn’t hurt. I could use the confidence boost.

“I’m an artist” Adrienne says, admiring her work. “He’ll regret ever letting you go” she shakes her head and I immediately frown, dropping my head to my hands. “No, no” she takes my hands in hers. “No sulking. You’re going to have fun tonight. You trust me, don’t you?” she cocks an eyebrow with a smirk on her face.

“More than I should” I roll my eyes dramatically. If there is one person on this planet who can get me to have a great time when I feel like I could die, it’s Adrienne. I wouldn’t ask for a better best friend.

——————————-

Being back at my favorite bar almost brings a smile to my face. Seeing familiar faces makes the knot in my stomach come undone and I finally feel relaxed.

Adrienne slaps her palms on the bar. “So what are we drinking? All drinks are on me” she offers.

“Vodka soda” I shrug. Seems strong enough to get me to loosen up. “Where are the guys tonight?” I ask, noticing that Michael, Luke and Calum aren’t here.

Her eyes grow wide then she giggles. “You know them. Playing some dumb game or something” she shakes her head.

It’s safe to assume that they are with Ashton. I’d like to think they are doing the same for him as Adrienne is for me but I know that Ashton doesn’t need a pick-me-up. He seems just fine without me.

With that thought, I knock back to shots in a row, letting the vodka burn my throat. This is a pain I can tolerate.

“We’re dancing!” Adrienne grabs my hand, twirling me around. I follow her to the dance floor, spilling my drink as I make my way through the crowd.

Frankie and Keith join us, dancing but keeping their distance. I’m sure they heard about my horrible break up with Ashton. But maybe I don’t want so much space between us.

I blame the alcohol for what I do next. I step closer to Frankie, gripping at his hips, grinding my body against his as the beat picks up.

“You look stunning tonight” Frankie whispers in my ear, his lips brushing against my skin, his nose pressed to my cheek.

I lean back in his arms, staring up at him. I can’t stop myself. I push on my tippy toes and press my lips to his, immediately regretting it the moment I did.

I pull back, cupping my hand over my mouth. “I’m so sorry” I shake my head, feeling so ashamed. “Sorry” I shy away, making my way through the crowd to the bathroom.

Adrienne stops me before I enter. “What are you doing Shane?” she gives me a knowing look.

“Just need to freshen up” I lie, trying to hold back all my emotions. “Just give me a few minutes?”

“Yeah. Okay” she sighs, obviously afraid to leave me alone. I’m not going to do anything drastic, just leave.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I need fresh air and a quiet, walk back to campus might be exactly what I need.

I make it to my floor and instantly begin sobbing, my body collapsing to the floor in front of his door.

He’s in his room. I can hear him laughing with his roommates. I assumed he was doing all right without me but confirming that he’s fine just makes it hurt that much worse.

I can barely crack a smile yet he’s in there laughing his ass off at some stupid TV show.

I pull my knees to my chest, trying to catch my breath. Hearing his voice only causes the pain to grow deep inside me.

I can’t face him. I just can’t.

I pull my phone from my clutch, scrolling through my contacts through blurry eyes until I land on his name. I give in, losing any sense of pride I had left.

Three rings then it goes to voicemail. “I miss you” I cry into the receiver quietly before hanging up, letting my emotions get the best of me. I force myself to stand up and walk on shaking legs back to my room where I can wallow in my own self pity and cry myself to sleep like I’ve done every night since he threw me out of his life.