Chapter 12

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I can’t even explain why. I just did. I cried over something that never existed. He never gave it a chance to let it happen.

I could barely pay attention in my classes all day. Sitting through my History of American Serial Killers only had me thinking of ways I wanted to torture and kill Ashton Irwin.

Louise Lindloff turned to rat poison to kill two of her husbands. Some castrated their lovers when they betrayed them. Others preferred long, drawn out torture sessions that could last for days, even weeks until they felt like the man suffered as much as they had.

I got back to my dorm room as Amy was leaving for class. I notice one of my pictures had fallen off the wall, the glass shattered across the floor. Ashton slammed the door so hard last night the walls shook.

I quickly swept it up, throwing the shards into the garbage. It’s a picture my siblings and I at the beach from three years ago. It was a good summer. One when my parents actually got along and we were one big happy family. And just like this picture frame, that was shattered too.

I look over at my duffle bag and make a spontaneous decision. I was going home for the weekend. I miss them so much. And it would be nice to bid my old bedroom a farewell before the house goes on the market.

I pack up some shorts, pants, sweatshirts, sneakers, flip-flops. You’d think I was going away for a month with everything I stuffed into the bag. I would only be there for three days but a girl needs her essentials.

That also included every single piece of make-up I owned. Every hair product, hairbrush, skin lotion. My desk was practically empty by the time I was done packing.

I take one last look around my dorm room, letting out a loud sigh as I lock the door behind me.

“Where are you off too?” I bump into Calum in the hallway.

“The gym” I lie. No one needs to nowhere I’m heading and frankly I don’t think anyone cares. I’d send a quick text to Adrienne later when I got to my mom’s.

As for now I didn’t want anyone stopping me from leaving. I had a lot to think about and I couldn’t bare the thought of running into Ashton.

“With three pairs of heels?” he laughs, pointing to the shopping bag that was holding all my shoes. “Where you running to?”

“I’ll see you on Monday” is the only bit of information I leave him with. I give him a pathetic attempt at a smile and make my way down the stairs.

My car is parked on the other side of campus. My arms are ready to fall off as I unlock my car and throw everything inside. With a heavy sigh, I start up my car and back out of the spot.

It didn’t take me too long before I pull up in front of the house I grew up in. It looks just like I remember it. The gray stone is a little more faded now. The once white front door is painted black. My mom must have been tired of the angel fountain and switched to a traditional one.

I drive up the long path until I stop my car in front of the garage. I take a moment to myself before opening the car door and stepping out.

I ran my fingers along the railing of the stairs leading up to our front porch. I bent down and pressed my palm to the tiny handprint I placed there when I was 7. My dad was so mad when he saw what I did. Then he smiled and smashed his hand into the cement right next to mine.

I remember when this house was just an empty lot. My mom dragged my dad and I to every house that the realtor suggested. She wanted to move before Kyle was born.

There was no house that she fell in love with but there were houses that she loved. As a surprise, my dad had his friend that’s an architect draw up exactly what she wanted. He found an empty plot of land and with the help of his friends they built this house.

I remember her face like it was yesterday when she saw the final product. She scorned my dad and I for mucking up the front porch. Tears of joy streamed down her face when she stepped into the foyer. It was the last time I saw my parents truly happy with each other.

Now they can barely stand to be in the same room with each other. My dad doesn’t even live in the house he worked so hard to build. I would have to pack up my bedroom that held so many memories for me.

“Shane?” my mom opens the front door with a surprised look on her face.

“Mom” I breathe and collapse into her arms.

“Honey, I missed you so much.” Her hands reach for my cheeks as she examines me. “You all right?”

I nod my head in response. I can’t admit to myself why I’m upset so I don’t want to explain to her either. “I could use a nap” I let out a breathy laugh.

I climb around the boxes in an attempt to get towards the stairs. My fingers slide up the banister as I force myself up the steps. As always the top step creeks. I always hated that step. It’s gotten me in so much trouble when I was trying to sneak out or back in.

“Mom?” my little sister called from down the hall. I peek my head into Bella’s room. Her room is what you would expect a seven year olds’ to look like. Pink walls, princess bed, stuffed animals thrown around the room.

“Hi princess” I smile wide as I enter her room, my feet sliding over the soft-carpeted floor.

“Shane!” she shot up, her blonde curls bouncing around her head. She launches herself at me and we fall to the ground in a fit of giggles. “You’re home!”

“I’m home” I nod.

“For good?” Her eyes light up and I don’t have the heart to tell her I will be going back to school in a few days.

“Want to take a nap with me?”

“I’m not a baby anymore” she crosses her hands across her chest. “But we can play with my dolls.” I mentally groan. I need some sleep but I know it would mean the world to have her big sister play with her.

“Let’s play” I smile and carry her over towards her dollhouse.

The dollhouse is an exact replica of our house. It was mine when I was a little girl. It only seemed fitting to pass it on to Bella when I got to old for it.

“Look at you two” my mom stood in the doorway watching us with a wide grin on her face. “I’m going to pick up Kyle from baseball practice.”

“Can I come?” I sprung up from the floor. Kyle might be an annoying little brother but I miss him so much. A few phone calls a few months isn’t enough for me.

Kyle just turned thirteen and probably wants nothing to do with me. He’s at that age where he is too cool to hang out with his family. I don’t care. I’m going to smother him with hugs anyway.

“Of course. Go put on a sweater Bella.” Bella stomps her feet towards her closet, pulling out a pink cardigan with a huff. I don’t know why little kids hate putting on a jacket when their parents ask. Young rebels I suppose.

Driving through the town made me miss home a little more. The small Mom and Pop shops gave this town personality.

“I figured we could go for a manicure” my mom says. “You look like you could use something to relax you.”

“That would be great.”

“And maybe a trip to the mall. It’s been so long since the two of us went shopping.” I nod my head in response even though I was sure I would fall asleep in the dressing room given the chance.

We pull in front of the baseball field and I roll my window down. “Kyle!” I shout across the field.

His head springs up and I can see the grin on his face when he sees me. He waves goodbye to his teammates and comes running towards the car. He leans against the car, catching his breath. “What are you doing home?” he asks and I can feel my mom’s eyes on me. Everyone wants to know what brought me home for the first time in two years.

“Can’t a girl miss her family?” He shrugs and pulls the door open.

The nail salon is packed when we arrive. It’s a Saturday and I was anticipating that. Kyle took off to the arcade next door. I hold up Bella as she searches every row for the perfect shade of pink she wants for her nails. Of course she decides on the brightest one.

“So what did he do?” my mom nudges my arm as we were sat down at the nail station.

I turn to her and lift my eyebrows. “Who?”

“This boy” she waves her hands in the air as if I’m supposed to know. What is it with mother’s intuition? How do they always know exactly what’s wrong without you saying one word to her?

“There is no boy Mom” I lie. I know she wasn’t taking that for an answer and I couldn’t just run from the nail salon. “Fine” I groan. “His name’s Ashton.”

I notice a few other older, nosey women were listening in on our conversation.

“Ashton, huh? Tell me about him.”

I roll my eyes and take a minute to figure out what I’m going to say. I can’t tell her every detail about what happened. I’m sure that would give her a heart attack. She’s a very conservative woman.

“How did you meet?”

“Um… I just stumbled into him.” I can’t exactly tell her that I was drunk and walked in on him with another girl. “I’m pretty sure he hates me though” I sigh.

“No one could possibly hate you Shane. You are the sweetest girl.” I glare at her. She has to say that. She’s my mother. “So what did he do that made you come running home?”

“I didn’t come home because of him Mom. I just needed a break from school” I say, trying to convince myself as well.

“Did he get with another girl?” a woman sitting in a pedicure chair asks.

I spin my chair around to answer her. “No” I reply honestly. At least no girls that I know of. Even if he had hooked up with another girl I had no right to be jealous.

“Did you find out something about him that you didn’t like?” Ella, the girl doing my nails adds in.

There are a lot of things I don’t like about Ashton. For example his temper. The way he can get on my nerves so easily. And how he thinks he can come into my life and make me feel all these things that I can’t explain.

“No” I shrug. “Not yet at least.”

“Is he bad in bed?” the elderly lady at the end of the stations says and the whole salon gasps. “I divorced my third husband because of that.”

“Mrs. Goldstein!” my mom’s mouth falls open. I cover my mouth to keep myself from laughing too loud.

“No, no” I shake my head. “It’s just that I like him more than he likes me.”

“Commitment issues” the women in the pedicure chair sighs. “All men have them. You’ve got to show him that you can do much better without him.”

“Yeah, hold your head up high” Ella lifts my chin.

I’m still unsure if I would want to be in a committed relationship with Ashton. All I know is that I have these feelings that I shouldn’t be afraid to express to him. I shouldn’t be worried about how he might react if I kiss him in public because I’m drunk and not thinking about what I’m doing.

After the nail salon I notice my mom is driving in the direction towards the mall. “Mom” I turn towards her. “I kind of just want to get some sleep if you don’t mind.”

“Of course honey.” She gets off the exit and heads towards the house.

My room is nothing but packed up boxes. At least my bed still has sheets and blankets on it. With a loud sigh, I fall onto my bed. I forgot how comfortable it is after all this time. I climb under the sheets and cuddle up with my teddy bear that I’ve had since I was born. It might be old and worn and barely have a face but I love him all the same.

My phone buzzes and I groan loudly. I check my call log and messages. I have over a dozen missed calls from Adrienne, Amy and Luke. A few text messages all asking where I am and if I’m okay.

I call Adrienne, not caring to contact anyone else. “Finally!” she shouts into the phone. “Where the hell are you?”

“Home” I sigh.

“Home?” I can picture her confused face. I hear the loud music bumping in the background.

“Are you at the bar already?”

“Um, well, yeah” she laughs. “You okay? Calum said you were upset.”

“Yeah I’m fine” I lie for the tenth time today. “Just needed some time away I guess.”

“You don’t have to lie to me Shane. Ashton’s permanent scowl tells me things didn’t go so well between you two last night.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to sleep.”

“It’s 8 on a Saturday. Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?”

“I’m still here. I promise Trivia Tuesday. You and me.”

“Yay! But seriously Shane if you need me I’m here. Forever and always babe!”

“Thanks Adrienne. I’ll text you tomorrow.” I hang up and my head falls onto my sea of pillows. I send a quick text to Amy so she doesn’t freak out when I don’t come for the next two days.

I drift into a deep sleep. I’m only awakened when the scent of my mom’s homemade pancakes hits my nose this morning.

The sunlight streams through the opening in my curtains, temporarily blinding me as I roll out of bed. I maneuver around all the boxes, not bothering to brush my hair or teeth or even check what I look like before running downstairs for breakfast.

“Attractive” Kyle says sarcastically and I slap him across the back of his head. He shot me a look. “I liked you better when you were at school” he stuck out his tongue at me.

“Kyle!” my mom reprimanded him.

I pour a good amount of syrup over my pancakes and dig in. I am too distracted by the taste of homemade food that I didn’t notice someone pull into the driveway.

“Who drives a gray pick up?” Kyle looks out the window. I immediately drop my fork and run to his side to see Ashton pacing back and forth outside his truck.

“Shit” I mutter and fly up the stairs. I couldn’t possibly brush my teeth and fix my hair faster if I tried. I change out of my pajamas into a pair of leggings and a cozy sweater. I have no time for make-up but I hope I don’t look like a girl that cried herself to sleep over him for the second night in a row.

“That’s him?” my mom questions when I get back downstairs. “He’s gorgeous.” I glare at her but she just laughs. “He likes you honey.”

"I can assure you that he doesn’t" I scoff.

"It’s an awfully long drive" she raises her eyebrows and I bury my face in my hands hoping that he will just get in his car and drive off.

“Hi!” Bella opens the door. Ashton slowly walks from his truck up the front steps.

“Um, hi” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “Does Shane live here?”

“No” she shakes her head. I speed walk to the front door and lift her up in my arms.

“What did I tell you about opening the door for strangers?” I narrow my eyes at her. She just shrugs in my arms. “What do you want?” I turn my attention Ashton.

His eyes slowly lift to mine. He has the same dark circles under his eyes that I have. Only mine are puffier from crying. His hair is a mess like he’s been pulling at it too much. I notice the cuts on his knuckles. He probably lost another fight with a brick wall.

“It’s really great to see you too” he ignores me and steps in my house without permission. “Shane didn’t mention she had an adorable little sister” he pokes his finger at Bella’s cheek. She giggles and jumps out of my arms, wrapping her tiny hands around Ashton’s neck. He catches her before she falls to the ground.

“I like you” she says taking her hands and smashing them against Ashton’s cheeks. “You’re not a butthead like Shane said.”

I roll my eyes. She needs a filter. “A butthead, huh?” he grins at me.

“Trust me” I fake a smile. “I’ve called you much worst.”

He smirks and brushes right past me. “You must be Mrs. Harrison. It’s lovely to meet you” he takes my mom’s hand and places a kiss on her knuckles. She giggles like a schoolgirl and blushes.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasures all mine.”

“Okay, that’s enough” I snap and yank Ashton from the kitchen, out the sliding backdoor and onto the porch. “What are you doing?”

“It’s nice out here.”

“Ashton” I stomp my foot.

“Fine” He cranes his head towards me. His eyes are softer than I’ve ever seen them. “I’m sorry, alright?”

“You’re what?” I almost laugh. I never thought those words would ever leave his lips.

“Don’t make me repeat it.”

“So you drove all the way here to apologize?” He nods his head slowly not able to look at me. “Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?”

“Snapping at you. It’s just- I don’t know. You make me so-“ he sighs and sits down on one of the lounge chairs. I sit down on the edge trying to make sense of all of this.

“I make you so what?” I pull my eyes from the dry blood on his knuckles to his lips. They too have some dried blood. I wonder if its from biting them or a fight as well.

“You just know how to piss me off.”

“If I make you so mad then why did you drive over an hour to my house?”

“Because…” he trails off, covering his face and groaning.

“I’m going to finish my breakfast. You can show yourself out.” I push my hands against my thighs, standing up from the chair and head back towards my house.

“Don’t do that Shane” he sighs, gently pulling me back by the elbow.

“Do what?” I ask defeated and turn on my heel to face him. “I’m sorry you drove all the way here for nothing.”

A frown formed on his face. He huffs and stares up at the blue sky. “It’s not nothing Shane.”

My eyes fall to the ground and I run my fingers through my hair. I don’t even know how to respond at this point. He is the most confusing, irritating person I’ve ever met and I wish he would just drive back to school and leave me to some peace and quiet.

“You were never nothing” he breathes, his finger lifting my chin, forcing me to look at him. His hands find their way into my hair as he backs me up against the railing of the porch. His forehead falls against mine as I try to catch my breath. Just four words left me breathless. That’s all I needed to hear from him.

I roll onto my toes to kiss him. He pulls me closer, deepening the kiss.

“I’m sorry I was such an idiot” he says against my lips. I smile into the kiss, never wanting this moment to end.

“Shane!” my mom calls through the window. “Your breakfast is getting cold.”

We both laugh before pulling away from each other. “Come on” I nod my head towards the house and take his hand. “Follow me.”