Chapter 11

“Can I talk to you?”

I take a seat on Amy’s bed as she’s typing away on her laptop. Probably some paper that isn’t due for another month but she insists on doing it anyway without any distractions.

“I’m kind of busy right now” she says, not bothering to look up from the screen.

I push the top of her laptop down and close it. I want to have this conversation now and I won’t wait until it’s convenient before. If she’s messing with my life I’m going to confront her about it.

“Okay, what?” she leans back in her chair and raises her eyebrows.

“What have you been telling your mom?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” she shakes her head and re-opens her laptop only to have me push it down again.

“You don’t have to tell her every detail of what I do. You know she’s going to run and tell my mom.”

“I didn’t tell her anything” she looks me straight in the eyes.

“Oh, really?”

When I first came to this school my parents forced me to room with Amy. It was there way of keeping an eye on me. It’s not like I partied excessively in high school. I only came home drunk a few times. I didn’t do any drugs. I listened to them for the most part. I don’t understand why they don’t trust me. I’m an adult and they need to learn to back off.

“It’s not my fault that you stumble home drunk when I’m on the phone with her and you’re slurring your words. She’s not an idiot Shane.”

“I know she’s not. It’s called lying.”

“I don’t lie to my mother like some people.” I groan loudly, running my fingertips across my forehead in frustration. How do I even begin to understand the ways of my cousin?

“And Ashton. What did you tell her about him?”

“It was more for advice.”

“Amy” I cry out. I don’t want my family knowing details about Ashton. My dad already caught me with him in my bedroom and made me out to be a complete fool. I still can’t believe the things he said about him.

I’ve only known Ashton for a short time. And for most of it we were arguing or drunk. But I had this urge to protect him and defend him. I didn’t allow anyone to speak badly about him. I can’t tell you why. I just have to.

“Shane you deserve much better than Ashton.”

“Oh, can I?” I snap. The way I see it I don’t deserve him. I know he’s angry and rough and mysterious. He likes to keep to himself but I know there is much more to him.

Even though he’s an angry person, he protected me. Who knows what would have happened if he didn’t pull Dan away from me that night.

I’ve seen Ashton slightly vulnerable a few times. I was sure that I was one of the very few people to ever see him like that. The first time was at the show. The second time was after Keith’s party.

I think in that moment I fell for him. I won’t admit that to anyone. I’m still trying to convince myself that my feelings aren’t that strong.

He was showing a side I have never seen. He wanted me. I saw it in his eyes. He didn’t want to lose me.

“I didn’t like Keith” she admits. “But he would never treat you the way Ashton does.”

“And how do you know how Ashton treats me?”

“I live with you. I’ve seen it. He talks to you with such disrespect. Me too” she carries on. Ashton isn’t Amy’s biggest fan but I wouldn’t say that he was that rude to her. “I’ve seen the bruises too” she points to my stomach.

I pull up my shirt and stare in my mirror. I run my fingers over the bruises from his fingertips. I didn’t notice I had any. I smile down at them but I’m sure Amy won’t understand. “These are good bruises” I answer. I like his roughness in bed.  “He would never put his hands on me in ways I didn’t want him to if that’s what you’re thinking.”

She rolls her eyes, clearly disgusted by the situation. Amy is still a virgin and will never understand the concept of rough sex being good sex.

“I hear you and Adrienne talk about him all the time. You can’t go a conversation without calling him a jerk.”

“I can’t help my feelings for him, okay?” I defend myself. If I had control over them then I wouldn’t keep giving into Ashton. I want something with him. Something more than just sleeping together and occasionally lounging around in our rooms. I don’t think Ashton could handle a relationship but I want to be more with him.

“Just be careful. I don’t trust him.” I nod my head but don’t say anything in return.

I climb off her bed and lie on my own, staring up the ceiling. What am I going to do? I’m not want to care about labels but I don’t like the feeling of being used either.

——-

Adrienne jumps on me, breaking me out my daze. I’ve spent the past hour or so arguing with myself in my head.

Ashton wasn’t the only issue on my mind. My parents and their impending divorce clouded my thoughts. The two of them getting a divorce didn’t worry me so much. I’m more concerned with how Kyle and Bella will take it.

“Hey” I sigh.

“We’re going to get dinner in the cafeteria. Get up.” She pulls me up by my arms so I’m in a sitting position. As soon as she lets go I fall back down. “Are you sick?” she feels my forehead.

I swat her hand away and push her body off of me. “Go away” I cover myself with my blankets.

“No. I’m hungry. Get your lazy ass out of bed.” I fling my blankets off of me and do as she says. There is no point in arguing with her. I’m not going to win.

I stand in front of the mirror, sighing at my current appearance. Adrienne doesn’t hold back from being completely honest. “You look like absolute shit Shane.”

“Gee, thanks” I turn my head and glare at her. My blue sweatshirt is one size to big. Yoga pants and flip-flops prove that I put no effort in today. I run my fingers through my hair in an attempt to look somewhat presentable.

It’s a Thursday and I should be looking forward to going out tonight. It’s my favorite night at the bars and Alexa wanted to have a girls night. It was the first time her boyfriend wouldn’t be coming with us. Not that I minded him but sometimes you just need that night out with your girls.

Michael and all his roommates are waiting at the back of the building when we get downstairs. Ashton barely acknowledges me. He just simply nods his head and continues his conversation with Luke.

I slip on my sunglasses, trying to hide the fact that it bothers me that he acts like I’m nothing more than some girl he sleeps with from time to time.

Only a few days ago he trashed his dorm because I went to dinner with my dad and ex-boyfriend. Why would he do that if he doesn’t have some feelings for me? My dad called him trash. I know how mad it made him. I saw the aftermath. But there has to be more to that. Just a wild guess but it’s probably because he gave my dad a bad first impression. But then again I don’t think Ashton really cares about first impressions. You see my problem here? He’s hard to read so I have no idea what he is thinking about anything. I have my theories but I’m pretty sure they are all wrong.

After the outburst I never asked him why he did it. We didn’t discuss it at all. I only helped him clean up the mess. We actually haven’t spoken since and it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Ashton was never in the room when I stopped by. I texted him a few times but knew that he wouldn’t respond. I decided that space was the best thing I could give him. So since then I’ve been in my room sulking and wondering if feeling this way is all worth it. Is Ashton worth it?

I push around my salad barely taking any bites from it. I’m so out of it that I can’t even keep up with the conversation that is happening at the table.

“So when did you plan on telling us she is actually your cousin?” Calum nudges me.

“Hmm, what?”

“Amy is your cousin” he repeats himself.

“Yeah, it’s not something I like to tell people” I shrug. If you haven’t noticed already Amy and I are complete opposites. Just because we share DNA doesn’t make us family. We’re getting closer now but we were mortal enemies when we were kids.

“I’m just surprised I never knew” Adrienne laughs. “All these years I’ve been so offended you never wanted to live with me.”

“I tried. I begged my dad to let me live off campus. He refused to pay for my schooling if I did.”

“Spoiled” I hear Ashton mutter at the end of the table but I pay him no mind.

I stand up from the table, grabbing my tray. “I’m not really hungry. Call me when you’re coming to my room” I say to Adrienne and quietly make my way out of the cafeteria.

——-

At least three times I talked myself out of going to the bars tonight. Drinking wasn’t a good idea in my current state on confusion. The last thing I needed to do was barge into Ashton’s room and make a fool of myself. Again.

Once I had my outfit on there was no turning back. I curled my hair to perfection. My make-up was spot on. I looked hot in my outfit. It’s a tight dress on top. The top is black. At the waist it flares out in a pink floral skirt that is way too short. I paired it with black-heeled booties and was ready to go.

I have to run out of my room to catch the bus downtown. Times like these I really wished I lived off campus.

“Shane” someone calls for me as I hit the stairs. I turn back towards the hallway to see Luke leaning against the wall. His eyes rake over my body and I smile in return. “Where you off to?”

“O’Malley’s” I answer. “Girls night.”

“So Michael getting ready and saying he’s going to meet Adrienne is pointless?” he raises his eyebrows. I roll my eyes. Of course she would tell Michael to meet her there. And Alexa probably told Adam to meet us too.

“I have the best friends, don’t I?” I ask sarcastically.

When I get to the bar Alexa and Adrienne are waiting with a drink for me. A lemon drop. They know me so well. I drink it faster than I should, allowing the alcohol to burn through me.

“Remember” Adrienne says, turning to me nearly spilling her drink on my dress. “It’s girls night. I will fight off any guys that come near you because you are one fine piece of ass!”

I cover my face in embarrassment. When she’s drunk she doesn’t realize how loud she is being.

Girls night only lasted for another hour. Michael and Adam both showed up. Adrienne and Alexa immediately clung to their sides.

I wander around the bar looking for someone else to talk to. There are always cute guys by the pool tables and dartboards. Keith and Frankie are two of them.

“Hi guys” I walk up to them.

“You look really good tonight,” Frankie whispers in my ear, placing a soft kiss on my temple.

“Don’t go there Frankie” Keith warns him. I cock an eyebrow at him, unsure of what he meant by that. “She’s taken.”

“Am not” I argue.

“Let me get you a drink then” Frankie grins and heads towards the bar.

“What are you doing?” I smack Keith across the arm. “Don’t be such a cockblock.”

Keith just laughs and shakes his head. “Me? You really want to get with Frankie?”

I shrug, “Well no but don’t go around telling people I’m taken when I’m not.”

“You really think a boyfriend is going to stop people from hitting on you?” he chuckles. “Shane, I would be standing there with my arm around you and guys would come up to you.”

“That’s not true” I shoot back. No one has ever hit on me when I was out with Keith. At least not that I ever noticed.

“Yes it is. And speaking of guys I wish would stay away from you.” Keith takes a sip of his beer and walks away.

A lemon drop is placed in front of me. Without thinking I say, “Thanks Frankie.”

“Frankie?” Ashton snaps. My eyes grow wide and I slowly turn around. “Who the fuck is Frankie?”

“A friend” I shrug. Ashton is visibly mad. His cheeks turn a bright red.

“Hey Shane I got you a bud-” Frankie stops talking when he sees the look on Ashton’s face. Ashton towers over him. I can see the fire flashing through Ashton’s eyes as his fists clench tightly.

“She doesn’t like beer” Ashton says through gritted teeth. I don’t have a problem with beer. I drink it cause it’s cheap and that’s what most parties have. But yes, a lemon drop is definitely what I prefer. It shouldn’t but it makes me happy that Ashton remembered.

“Okay, we were just going…” I say and pull Ashton by the arm. His breathing is heavy as he follows behind me.

We walk back to campus in complete silence. I’m cold and in uncomfortable heels. I am not drunk enough for this.

Ashton shakes off his hoodie and hands it to me. “What?” I bark.

“You look cold.”

“Keep it” I shove it back towards him. It’s back to silence as we make our way up the stairs of our building. Ashton follows me back to my room and I have half the mind to slam the door in his face.

Ashton catches it before it does slam in his face. “What the fuck is your problem?” he asks harshly.

“My problem?” I scream. “Is you” I poke at his chest. All that rage is back in his eyes as the vein in his neck pops out.

“I can’t believe you fucking wore that out” he points out my outfit.

“What’s wrong with this?”

“Jesus, Shane” he growls. “You are so damn impossible” he starts pacing the room, which makes me nervous. “How am I – when you-“ he stutters over his words. He starts rubbing his forehead, clearly deep in thought.

I huff and sit down on my bed, kicking off my heels in the process. Ashton takes a seat next to me but keeps the distance. “Why are you here?” I ask him, no longer caring if it will make him angrier.

“I don’t know” he replies with defeat.

“What are we doing?” I breathe out as he places his hand on my thigh.

“What do you mean?” he looks at me confused.

I swallow the lump in my throat, slowly pushing his hand off my body. “What are we?”

He shoots up from the bed. “Why do girls always have to do that?” he screams through clenched teeth. “You always have to make something out of nothing” he throws his hands up.

“Nothing?!” I stand up, walking towards him.

“That’s what I just said. Is it not?!” His hands fly up to his hair and starts pulling at the roots. I wasn’t going to back away from this so he would calm down. He could throw whatever fit he wants.

“Get out” I cry.

“Shane” he sighs, his fingers wrapping around my waist.

“Get out Ashton” I repeat myself a little louder.

“You just had to open your damn mouth. You couldn’t just leave things how they were” he continues on as it’s my fault. If he doesn’t care about me the same way I care about him then what’s the point? I have feelings and if those aren’t matched I am the one that gets hurt. Not him. Me.

I start pushing him by his chest towards the door. He is much stronger than me so he takes small steps back as I shove him. “Shane” he yells my name again.

“No! Leave me alone!” I wipe away the single tear that fell from my eye. He grabs both my wrists in one hand as his other hand cups my cheek.

“Get the fuck out!” I pull myself from his grasp. He lets go of me, slamming the door on his way out.

I stand with my back against the door. I punch my fists against the hard wood and fall to the floor, tears streaming down my face as I bury my head in my hands.