Chapter 11

"I want you to be mine, and I mean it with every fiber in my body. I need you to be mine," Siva breathed, his warm breath sending Jay's body into a frenzy.

"I'm all yours Seev, and only yours."

Jay woke up with a heavy heart and a pain in his chest. After what happened with Nathan, he "suggested" for Siva to leave. He wouldn't have taken no for an answer, though.

He placed his feet on the cool wooden floor of his bedroom and slumped. He dreaded the thought of having to get up and go out into the world; he didn't know what there was to expect. He felt hopeless, more so than he was before he and Siva hooked up. And now, Siva had been dragged down in his misery.

After much time of convincing himself to get up on his feet, he walked into his bathroom and turned the shower on to a warm temperature. He stepped in the tub and put his head under the sharp rivulets of water. Slowly, he turned the knob, making the water hotter, and hotter. Eventually, he stopped until the water was scorching against his pale skin, turning him a bright, painful red.

This was something he used to do back in his teenage years. In leu of cutting himself, or whatever self harm actions there were out there, he'd simply burn himself with water until all he could focus on was physical pain. It was also just a way to punish himself. Whenever he felt like a failure -most of the time-, or felt embarrassed, in result, he'd burn himself.

His shower had always been his only getaway. He didn't have to hear or see anything other then the water splashing on his face and the steam rising. It was the perfect hideaway. No one could take that away from him. At this point in time, it was once again all he had.

Jay spent a long time in the shower. It took a lot of willpower and immense pain to get himself out. Once he did step out of it, he wanted to just turn around and go back in. He felt so exposed, so vulnerable to the world's wrath. Not in a million years did he ever think he'd feel that way again, but Siva broke his shell. The very person he loved most sent him into ruins.

•••

"Siva," Nareesha said breathlessly with wide eyes. She was setting out for work, but once she opened her front door, she found Siva with a key in his hand.

"Hey," he replied, unable to look her in the eyes.

"Came here to get your things?"

"No, actually. I came to see you."

"What for?"

"I'd rather we talk inside, if that's alright with you."

"Yeah, sure. Come in." She stepped aside allowing him to enter.

He walked in and leaned his body against the back of a sofa while she closed the door. They faced each other with hollow eyes.

"You haven't been sleeping well?" Nareesha asked.

"No, not really. It seems you haven't been sleeping either."

"I'm mostly a nocturnal designer; you know that."

"Right," Siva said while raising his brows, knowing that wasn't the reason.

"So, what did you want to talk about, how great things are going for -what's it called- Jiva?"

"Definitely not. Why would I even think of doing that?"

"I've got a ton of foul words to answer that with."

Siva scoffed. "You really don't have to act like a bitch."

"Oh I'm being a bitch now?" Nareesha rose her voice. "You're the one who cheated on me and decided you didn't love me after. So, I have every right to be mad and bitchy!" She made air quotations at bitchy.

"I didn't come here to argue. I just want to have a civil discussion."

"Go on then!"

"Okay. I know you told Nathan about Jay and me. Did you tell anyone else?"

"Why would that even matter?"

"Can you please just answer?"

"No, I only told the boys. What's the matter? Scared I'll take the story to the press?"

Siva remained silent.

"Congratulations, you're absolutely right."

"What's the point of doing that? You've never been a bitter person."

"Well, when you spend six years of your life with someone who then cheats on you, what else can you be besides bitter about the situation?"

"I apologized for that already. Just move on."

"Yeah, because saying sorry fixes everything! How can I just move on immediately after you've completely broken my heart?"

"So, you're just going to go and ruin my reputation? If you do I'll have to deal with constant harassment for the rest of my life."

"No one told you to be a cheating fag-"

"Nareesha! What's going on with you? This isn't like you!"

"Exactly, and you can blame yourself for that. Now, if you're not gonna get your stuff, you can get the fuck out!"

Siva crossed his arms and stood up straight. "No, I'm not leaving, not until you promise me you won't tell anyone."

"That's not gonna happen, Seev."

"Him and I are over, okay? And do you know why? It's because of you. So, go ahead and tell'em about us. We'll deny it without a problem."

"Do you honestly think they'd believe you two queers over broken hearted little old me?"

Siva gaped at Nareesha. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The person in front of him was not the women he loved. She was a monster.

"Are you going to leave now?"

"What would I have to do to get you to forgive me and just let Jay and I live in peace?"

"Nothing, because that would never happen."

"Nareesha, plea-"

"Save your breath and go. I'm still going to ruin you like you ruined my heart."

"You don't mean that," he said as he shook his head in denial.

"I do, down to a molecular level."

She walked back to the door and opened it wide for Siva. He looked at her with a clenched jaw and blazing eyes.

"Fine," he said with a hiss and stormed out.

He left the apartment building and hopped into his car. He put both of his hands on the wheel and held it tightly, making his knuckles turn red. He gave a frustrated sigh and banged his head into the center of the wheel several times. He'd never been so upset in his life. He couldn't even hear the car's honks, because he was fuming. Such rage disrupts your senses.

After his final scathing head bang, he left his head down on the wheel and sobbed. It's all my fault, all mine, he thought, which only made him cry more.

With his eyes blurred by clouds of tears, he lifted his head -unable to properly see things which only frustrated him more. "God dammit!" he yelled. He pulled on the car door's handle and it kicked it open. He got out, shut the door with a trembling force, and walked away.

He didn't know where he was going, or where he'd end up, but he hoped with all his might it would be far away from London, from this horrible world he's been living in.

•••

"Hey, Daron," Jay said into his phone with a weak voice.

"Ello little birdy," Daron replied, making Jay smile to himself.

"How are you?"

"Alright, I suppose. The hospital will be releasing me in just a few hours."

"That's good."

"Yeah. I was wondering if you could pick me up and let me stay at yours for the night. I... I don't want to go back to my empty place just yet. It always manages to make me feel lonely."

"Erm... I don't know. I'd let you stay, but-"

"Siva's staying over your's."

"No, actually. We sort of, uh, broke up."

"What? How'd that happen?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"I'm really sorry you guys had to end your relationship so quickly. I don't understand how he'd allow himself to lose someone as wonderful as you."

Jay smiled again. "You're too sweet."

"And you're too good to deserve such heartbreak. It isn't fair."

"Let's not worry about me. I'm not the one who's been hospitalized. I'd let you sleep over, but I'm just not in my right state of mind; I'd just depress you."

"It's fine. I'll just stay with Lucy or something. She'd cheer me right up with horrible chick flicks and junk food."

Jay giggled. "I wish I could be the one to cheer you up, instead I'm just an absolute mess who'd just make you descend into the dumps with me."

"I'm sure you wouldn't."

"I most likely would."

They were quiet for a bit, then Daron broke the silence. "Jay."

"Yeah?"

"Why'd you and Siva breakup?"

Jay pursed his lips, scared to answer. Telling someone his current situation would officially mean that it was real.

He cleared his throat. "It's just not gonna work out."

"That makes no sense. You were obviously crazy for each other. He friggin broke up with his ex-girlfriend for you! So, what's the real reason?"

"I don't wanna say. The reason is pretty shameful of me."

"I wouldn't care," he replied sincerely.

"Fine. His ex told the rest of the band about our relationship, and Nathan got mad about it. I figured, if she told them, she'd tell the rest of the world if she could. In an effort to protect Siva, the band, and myself, I broke up with him."

"Everyone knows your gay, so how would coming out about your relationship be a bad thing?"

"The ex would tell everyone that Siva cheated, which he did. Then everyone would make a big deal about Siva being a cheat and bi, and then eventually say that the rest of the band is secretly gay. They'd probably make up some crazy stories about all of us getting it on with each other or whatever."

Daron laughed.

"What's funny about what I said?"

"Getting it on," he mocked.

"Honestly, Daron? I didn't even want to tell you about this and the response I get is your laughter. Did you not even hear anything I said besides getting it on?"

Daron chuckled as he tried to calm himself down. "I'm sorry, it's just that, I thought you were this confident man who didn't think saying sex was too taboo, nor cared about what other people would think. If you had big enough balls to tell everyone you were gay, why should you be afraid to date Siva in the public eye?"

"I'm not afraid of that. It's just that Nareesha could get people to hate us."

"Homosexuality is more accepted now. I doubt anyone would bother you guys about what you did or who you are for so long."

"That's what I would've initially thought, but it's not true. There are tons of people out there who are completely against homosexuality and pretend not to be. Siva cheating with me will give them all a reason to harass us and talk bad about us for as long as we're somewhat relevant and recognized easily."

"Ugh. The life of international pop stars in a boy band."

"Tell me about it."

"So, what now?"

"I don't know. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping nothing major will happen. I've actually got to go and see the boys. We're recording stuff at the studio."

"That should help you feel a little better. You'll have the boy's support."

"Support for what? Siva and I are over. And did you forget that Nathan's mad at us?"

"Why?"

"I'm not even sure. My guess is that he's upset at us because we were sleeping around behind Nareesha's back."

"Nareesha being the ex?"

"Yeah."

"It's nothing to worry about. The boys will have to forgive you both, if the rest of them even care about what you've done."

"You really think so?"

"Of course! They're like brothers to you, are they not?"

"Yeah, they are."

"Alright then. There shouldn't be a need to worry about them."

"If you say so."

"Good. I have to go now. I'm not allowed to use my phone. A nurse is going to walk in here at any moment, so I'll call you later."

"'Kay. Bye."

"Bye, Jay."

•••

"Hello, Jay," Tom said to Jay as he entered the studio. His greeting didn't sound very friendly. It sounded more like how principle would greet you after being sent to their office for disrupting a class.

"Hi," Jay replied, unable to look at any of the boys.

"We need to talk."

"About?" He plopped down on one end of the black leather couch. Max was sat on the other end.

"This Jiva business."

"Since when was Siva gay?" Max asked.

"He's bisexual," Jay answered.

"Why didn't he tell any of us?"

"Why should he?"

"Where is he anyway?" asked Tom.

"I don't know."

"Didn't you two spend the night together?" Nathan asked.

"No we didn't."

"So you screwed, and then he left?"

"Really, Nathan?" Max asked in disgust at the thought.

Dismissing Max, Nathan asked Jay, "How could you two do that to Nareesha?"

Jay brought his hands together and fiddled with his thumbs, his eyes locked on them.

"When she called Kels the other day, she was in tears. We could barely understand her until she managed to calm herself down," said Tom.

"I suspected something was going on with you and Siva ever since we finished the tour. You guys were acting pretty distant," Nathan said under his breath. He seemed to be in deep thought as he spoke.

"I-I'm not exactly clear on how this all came to be," Jay stuttered. He paused momentarily and bit his bottom lip. "I hate what we've done to Nareesha. Neither of us wanted to hurt her."

"Then why'd you guys do what you did?" Max asked in frustration.

Jay sat silently; he didn't even move a muscle.

"Go on then," Nathan said as he rubbed the palms of his hands together counterclockwise in an effort to cool himself down. Nareesha was like a sister to him and the boys; he couldn't be anything other than angry.

"It was a mistake," Jay finally replied, diverting the question. "I don't know what we were thinking. I was out of sorts that first night we- Siva must've been out of his mind as well."

"That's not exactly answering the question, Jay." Tom's voice was quiet, and his words precise.

"I'd blame Siva, but it takes two to tango, doesn't it? I wasn't feeling like myself. I was weak at heart, and just really down. Next thing I knew, Siva was kissing me, and then it went further.

I thought we'd talk about it the next day, but he just ignored me. I felt like such an idiot. He apologized the next day, but only to get my in bed, so it seemed. I got pissed off after when I realized he was just using me while I was in vulnerable place. He had no intentions of leaving Nareesha. I feel bad that I wanted him to.

I decided that the only way I'd ever forgive him was if he told Nareesha everything. He wouldn't do it.

Somehow, he managed to take control of me again, but he told me he wanted to be with me that time around. And so, we made a plan for breaking up with Nareesha. It was huge fail, but he managed to tell her the truth.

Last night after Nathan came over -I'n sure he told you what went on- I decided to just end things with Siva. I didn't want out relationship to compromise our lives or the band."

"Maybe you should've kept your hands off of each other the first time," Max suggested without sounding rude.

"I would've stopped him that first time, but he told me he loved me."

"How long has he had these feelings for you?" asked Tom.

"I don't know, mate. I think he developed them recently."

"Never in a million years would I have thought Siva would be capable of being unfaithful," said Nathan.

"I think there's more to it than

you think. I feel like Siva hasn't been in love with Nareesha for a while but didn't want to let go of what they had, so he stayed in denial. So, during that time he managed to fall for me somehow.

What he did to Nareesha was horrible, but maybe it was his only means of escape from their now broken relationship."

Tom exhaled a heavy breath. "Alright then. I guess we shouldn't be so upset about this. You both just need to make things right with Nareesha."

"I don't think that'll be possible. She's more than angry, she's infuriated."

"That doesn't matter. You have to do it."

He knew he had to, and although he was completely afraid of her, he would.