Chapter 42

 

I'm just going to put a very, very tiny trigger warning right here.

 

 

“I’m not riding,” I said adamantly. Dad was now standing in front of us with a very antsy Flash in hand.

“You are riding. I brushed him down. I tacked him up. You’re riding,” he said firmly.

“Well you wasted your time then because there is no way in hell I would ever ride again,” I challenged. This was fucking ridiculous. The very idea of getting back on after the things I’ve seen was just nonexistent.

“Elena, listen to yourself,” he reasoned. “What happened to that little girl who used to sneak out to the barn at night? Remember when we found you asleep inside one of the mare’s stalls? This was your life. What happened to that girl?”

I raised my eyes to meet his and if looks could kill, he probably would have dropped right then. I made sure everyone could hear the venom in my words as I spoke once more.

“That girl died with her sister.”

I hopped off the rail and walked away from the ring without so much as a glance to anyone. I intended to walk off to the barn, probably kick a bucket or five and break something, but I was stopped by my dad’s voice behind me.

“Don’t you dare take one more step away from here.”

I stopped and turned around, mostly because I was shocked that he used that tone with me. I hadn’t heard that tone since I was a teenager. When I turned, he was still standing there while Jess and my mom were both looking at me with the same worried expression.

“Come back here so we can talk about this, Elena. You’re not just storming off like you always did,” he said. I didn’t argue. I don’t think I could with the firmness in his voice. To be honest, I felt like a child again.

“Dad, I don’t want to ride him,” I insisted.

“Why not?” he asked. “Give me one good reason and I’ll take him back to the barn right now.”

That’s just it. I didn’t have a good reason. Yeah, the very idea of getting back on terrified me to no end, but that wasn’t a good reason. It really wasn’t. Hell, I‘ve cussed out countless girls for giving me that excuse when I taught lessons for my parents. I was literally the biggest hypocrite ever. After my few minutes of silence while staring at the ground I heard my dad sigh, causing me to look back up again.

“Just get on the horse for five minutes. That’s all I’m asking you,” he said gently this time. Flash was now quite a bit calmer once he realized nothing was happening right this second. I ran my hand through my hair nervously and sighed in defeat.

“Give me a leg-up, dad,” I said as I walked over to Flash’s side.

As I was hoisted up into the saddle the first thing I felt was that unpleasant fluttering in my stomach from pure fear. I was feeling a bit dizzy as my hands shakily gathered the reins and my feet found the stirrup irons. I could feel Flash’s muscles bunch up underneath me as I closed my eyes and attempted to collect my thoughts. This was something I needed to power through. This is what I did every day of my life and I enjoyed it. Flash pulled impatiently at the reins and at that last push, I opened my eyes and urged him forward.

Flash broke into his usual energetic trot but I didn’t stop him. Much to my surprise I relished it. The pure power that I felt in his strides only encouraged me and all my negative thoughts were pushed back as I focused on what I was doing. That’s thing about being on a large animal that could kill you at any moment. It makes all your other problems seem almost insignificant, if only for a little while.

When I finally actually took in my surroundings I could see everyone staring at me. Mom and dad were both smiling widely and Jess just looked like she was in awe. To be honest I couldn’t tell if that expression was caused by me or Flash seeing as Jess seems to be liking him more than me. I slowed him down to a walk as I started to approach the spot where Jess and my mom were sitting on the rail and stopped in front of them.

“Ride with me,” I said to Jess suddenly. This was something I just felt like I should share with her.

“Wait, what?” she asked, confused. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I gently asked Flash to step sideways closer to the rail. I reached my hand out to her and squeezed her hand. Her eyes widened as she realized what I was asking and that I was serious.

“Are you sure? I don’t know if—“

“I promise it’ll be fine. You trust me right?” When she nodded I took that as permission to help her on. “Just stand up on the middle rail and hold onto me while you swing your leg over. I promise he won’t move.”

Jess did as I told her and after a brief few seconds of struggling, she was now seated directly behind me. She was clinging to my waist tightly as I heard her curse under her breath.

“Shit, Elena he’s really tall,” she said nervously. I knew she was probably glancing straight at the ground.

“Where you look is where you’ll end up,” I told her with a smirk. “Just look straight ahead and hold onto me.”

I didn’t wait for her to answer as I urged Flash forward again at a brisk walk. I felt Jess’s grip tighten around my waist and I rested one hand over hers while my other hand gripped the reins. Now everything was perfect.

“Are you okay?” I asked her after we were walking around for some time. She hadn’t said a word since she first got on and I was worried that she was scared into silence this entire time. My parents had gone back into the house now, apparently satisfied with getting me on the horse.

“Yeah I’m fine,” she said quietly as she rested her head against the back of my shoulder. Her grip on me had loosened considerably but I still kept my hand on top of hers as we rode quietly around the little ring. It was then that I started to feel a bit, I don’t know, confined? I stopped our monotonous circle and cut down the middle of the ring toward the gate. I felt Jess lift her head from my shoulder as she sensed the sudden change in direction.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Going out of the ring,” I said simply as I reached over slightly and unlatched the gate. Flash was perfectly calm by now so I had absolutely no worries about him. I suspected he was pretty out of shape as well which probably had a lot to do with his mellow attitude now.

“What?” Jess said nervously, her voice squeaking slightly. Her arms literally had a death grip on me now and I just laughed as the gate swung open.

“I won’t let you fall,” I said as we set out toward one of the open fields. Jess felt tense behind me and I just kept continuously stroking her hand in an attempt to help her relax a bit. I decided the best thing to do would be to get her talking in order to take her mind off of the idea of falling. “So what do you think?”

“I think you’re insane.”

“I meant the scenery,” I laughed. We were headed toward the wooded area of the property. I wasn’t planning on staying out here long but I at least wanted to show Jess some of my favorite spots while we were out here.

“I love it out here,” she replied. “I would have loved to grow up with all this I think.”

“It was fun. We’re just gonna go a little ways up here and then we’ll go back. I already know you’re gonna be sore as hell tomorrow,” I laughed.

I kept Flash on the edge of the woods until we came up on the little indentation in the trees that marked the start of the main trail. It was completely shaded from the sun and extremely quiet. Flash’s footsteps against the dirt was the only sound besides the occasional call of a bird or two and the faint sound of rushing water. Jess had relaxed somewhat by now which was a relief for my breathing. We headed up a slight incline toward the sounds of the river that I knew was ahead.

When the incline finally leveled out we ended up on a ledge about eight feet or so across. It wasn’t the safest place but I had been up here so many times I was extremely familiar with where to step and where not to. I halted as far from the edge as I could, looking out at the river flowing below us. The water crashed noisily against the sharp rocks jutting out. It was quite shallow in this particular spot so the water was extremely clear looking.

“I used to come here a lot when I was younger,” I said as I watched the water rushing through the rocks. Jess rested her chin on my shoulder as she looked on with me, her hand turning over underneath mine to weave our fingers together.

“With Grace?” Jess asked. I shook my head slightly.

“No, I never told anyone about it. I always came here by myself if I needed to be alone or if my mom was being more horrible to me than usual.” I left out the awful details for Jess’s sake. I’d never want to hurt her by telling her how many times I’ve considering throwing myself off this ledge just to make it all end. It’s crazy really. The difference between me then and me now. Eight years ago I often longed for what I imagined to be the cool release of death. I can’t even tell you what stopped me all those times because I honestly don’t have a clue. Now, I couldn’t imagine taking my life purposely.

I don’t really know why I wanted to bring Jess to this place. Maybe I just needed some closure with this spot, telling the temptation that I was winning. Telling the rushing water and sharp rocks that they couldn’t have me and that I belonged to someone else.

 

In a way, I hoped that this would be my last visit to this particular spot in the forest.

 

 

 

A/N  I'm sorry I rushed the whole writing part of this chapter because I hate it. Updates will start coming quicker now that I'm past this part.