5

Zayn

The days that followed Laila's engagement party left me anxious. I woke up the following day with a massive hangover and rejoiced that it was Sunday because that meant I could spend the next eight hours recouping on my couch. But what I didn't anticipate was spending that time rehashing the events from the night prior and stressing out over the way I left things with Ryder.

The overthinking and the mental gymnastics my brain was doing just made my hangover worse. By the time Monday morning came around, I was excited to be back at work just to have something to consume my brain. I had to think of mergers, group projects and revisions. Things were hectic at the office, especially since I lost my personal assistant so I had a lot to juggle. Though I'm sure it'll lead to a burnout soon, I was glad it left little time to think about Ryder.

I didn't hear from Claire until later that night. A simple you up? text that I ignored. I knew she was going to give me shit for it, but I just wasn't in the mood.

Another text rolled in last night, it was essentially the same in meaning worded differently.

Can you come over? I'm stressed and need a distraction

I ignored that one as well. A distraction did sound nice but I just didn't want to be bothered. The sex would come with a discussion afterwards, I wasn't in the mood to hear about her fight with her sister or how her boss was being an asshole.

My phone rang earlier and of course it was Claire.

"Surprised you answered, you've left me on read the past few nights. What's up with that?"

I sighed.

"Nothing Claire, I've just been drained. Sorry."

"Okay, well can we get together tonight?"

"No, I'm probably going to call it a night pretty early. Next week though for sure."

She's silent for a moment and I can feel her rolling her eyes.

"Next week? It's been a week since I saw you last and you were supposed to take me home that same night. That clearly didn't happen. Why are you drawing this out? Why are you avoiding me all of a sudden?" She questioned.

I resist the urge to snap at her and exhale steadily.

"I'm not avoiding you, I just told you I've been drained. Don't make this a personal attack, I'm just tired."

Ugh, fine, next week. But you better make up for it."

I snort at this, amused with her tone but she doubles down.

"I'm serious Zayn, put me on your calendar and don't even think about canceling on me. I'm beyond sexually frustrated at this point."

I was prepared for her to put up a fight, insisting on coming over but she didn't take it any further.

When we hang up, I switch my phone on do not disturb. I don't want any more interruptions, especially not from Claire.

She's been so needy recently.

I was sure it was because of Ryder coming back. She probably feels like she needs to check in and keep me on a tight leash even though it's none of her business. We're just friends who have sex occasionally. Who I spend my time with outside of her is none of her concern.

That's why I can't help but roll my eyes when I hear my buzzer go off. I look down at the blunt in my hand that I was only moments away from lighting and tuck it behind my ear. I glance at my phone to see the time is 8:47pm and know it can only be one person.

I groan as I get up from my couch and shuffle towards the door. If she was dropping by just for sex, that'd be one thing. But it's never that simple with her. And for her to come over after I just told her no irks my soul. I knew she gave up too easily.

My buzzer goes off again as I near the door.

"I'm coming Claire, chill," I called out.

I unlock the door and grab the handle.

"I said I wasn't in the mood tonight Claire, don't you-" my words trail off as I open the door and find Ryder on the other side.

I'm at a loss for words as she was the last person I expected at my front door at this hour. I don't even know how she got my new address. Her eyes widen as well as her gaze falls to my chest.

I stare at her for a moment as my brain catches up and I glance down and realize I wasn't wearing a shirt. I look back up to see her averting my gaze with flushed cheeks.

"Ry, shit I'm sorry. I didn't..I thought you were someone else," I apologize quickly and use my arms to cover my chest.

She shakes her head and wraps her arm around her torso. She's looking at me now, gaze locked in on mine so much that I can tell she's trying to avoid my chest all together.

"It's fine, I shouldn't have dropped by unannounced. I was just in the area and wanted to have a quick chat with you. But if you're expecting someone or now's a bad time, I can come back another day."

I shake my head a little too quickly. I know that she most likely heard Claire's name and now I'm in front of her shirtless. It's a bad look and I can get why she may want to leave but that's the last thing I want.

"No, no I'm not actually. I was just about to smoke and probably watch a movie. You're no bother, trust me," I assure her.

I step aside and open the door further.

"Please, come in."

She eyes me for a moment, her bottom lip between her teeth and nods. She takes a few steps in, just enough for me to shut the door and holds her tote bag to her chest. She's clearly not comfortable, her eyes looking anywhere but at me.

I clear my throat and gesture to the living room.

"Would you like to sit down? Get comfortable?" I offered.

She glanced at the couch and shook her head.

"No, here's fine. I won't be staying long," she replied.

A wave of disappointment washes over me but I quickly shake it off.

"Oh okay, so what did you want to talk about?"

She let out a quick chuckle as her eyes flickered down at my chest and back at me.

"Um, would you mind putting a shirt on first?"

A smile pulls at my lips as I refrain from saying the first thing that came to mind. Cheeky banter was always our thing but I didn't want to push it. She already seemed apprehensive.

"Yes, sorry. I think I've got a sweatshirt in the laundry room, one second" I reply.

I walked through the kitchen and turned the corner to the laundry room. I had a basket of folded laundry that just hadn't made its way up to my room yet. I grab a white t-shirt and tug it over my head. I use the opportunity to adjust my hair in a mirror and make sure I look alright before facing her again.

When I come back, she's in the same spot, her eyes wandering the apartment. It's much bigger and cleaner than the one I had when we were together. Feels a bit more tasteful and mature.

"Better?" I attempt playfully, hoping to lighten the mood.

Her eyes find mine and she smiles.

"Much, thank you."

"So, what exactly did you want to talk about? Is everything alright?" I ask.

"Yeah, everything is fine. I just... I had lunch with your dad and Laila today. We got to talking and I asked him if he knew of anyone hiring and he said that you guys were looking for an assistant. You, specifically. I mean he kind of offered me the job already but if I'm being honest, I think it's a terrible idea"

"Oh.." I said softly.

I raise my brows as I'm taken back a bit. I figured maybe she wanted to continue our conversation from Saturday night before Claire had interfered. There's a bitterness as I come to the conclusion that it's been hours since my father had this conversation with Ryder and failed to mention it to me. I would like to think he would consult with me first before offering my ex-girlfriend the job of being my personal assistant but I guess I'm giving him too much credit.

She gives me a knowing look.

"He didn't mention anything, did he?"

I shake my head and sigh.

"He did not," I responded.

"I'm sorry I figured he would've by now. I mean I know we're civil and it's been a couple of years but... I just think it'd look wrong, right? I mean me working for you when we were involved romantically in the past, it looks bad. I just figured I'd speak with you directly since this affects you as well."

I can tell she's going to pass on the job and is really just here looking for reassurance.

I sigh and lean back against the wall.

"I appreciate the opportunity to have an opinion on the matter but it seems your mind is already made up. If you want my input, I agree. I don't think it's a good idea. It's just... not good for company morale and public image if I hire my ex as an assistant."

She nods and visibly relaxes.

"I figured you'd feel the same way. I tried to voice my concerns with your dad but he just kept insisting it wasn't a big deal and then Laila agreed with him and I just figured you'd be the best person to talk about it with."

Of course the thought of being with Ryder everyday is sort of exciting but it wouldn't be in the circumstance I want. And it would put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship as I won't be able to pursue her romantically if she works for me. I want to be able to reconnect with her and really see if there's anything still there. There's a power imbalance if I were her boss and my father would kill me for even entertaining that idea. The negative press and potential lawsuits make my stomach churn.

"He just...cares a lot. He knows you'll never take money from him, or any of us. So he probably figured that was a simple solution without thinking about any of the complexities."

She shrugs.

"Yeah, you're right. I didn't ask, I was simply venting and he just offered the first solution he could think of it seems. He gave me until Monday to make a decision but I think I'll just give him a call tomorrow morning and decline. I'm sure something will come around."

Her voice is a bit melancholic and I can tell something's bothering her.

"What is it?" I ask.

She shakes her head and forces a smile.

"It's nothing, I'll be fine."

I narrowed my eyes at her, wishing I could take a peak inside her head. It's so obvious she's not fine.

"Don't psychoanalyze me Zayn, I'm fine," she insists.

"You sure? You know I'm always here if you need to talk about it. I know it's been years but it's still me. We can talk about anything," I offer.

She bites her lip as her eyes bore into mine. She's weighing it out in her mind, that much I know. I'm not going to push it, Ryder will come to me when she's ready.

"Look, in the meantime I can ask around and see where I can find some leads. Give you a good character reference even," I offer with a small smile.

She returns the smile and nods.

"Yeah, please send them my way. The sooner I can start, the better. I'm good for now but I know the bills will start accruing quickly," she remarks with a laugh.

I nod knowingly.

Ryder and I come from two completely different ends of the spectrum when it comes to finances. I was born into generational wealth, I never had to worry about rent, transportation, bills or where my next meal was coming from. Ryder had it much differently, working multiple jobs from a young age just to barely get by as their bills and shut off notices piled in. I was never ignorant of my privileges and certainly never took them for granted. That being said, I had never truly known anyone who had had it as rough as she did. Sure there were some kids on scholarships at the private schools we attended but if they were struggling in that way, you never knew.

"I understand, I'll make some calls Monday morning and get back to you as soon as possible. Do you still have the same number? I'll just shoot you a text," I replied and pulled my phone from my pocket.

"Yes, it's the same as before," she assures me.

I scroll through my phone contacts just to make sure I still had her number though I know deep down I did. Even for the brief moment she had me blocked, I never actually made the effort to delete it. Her contact picture was from a walk on the beach after a charity gala. She had her curls pulled back into a bun with smaller curls framing her face. She's mid-laugh, her crinkled eyes twinkling as she clutches her chest. There's an enormous full moon behind her, extravagant and dazzling in the night sky and yet she outshines it.

I pull my eyes from the picture before I find myself falling into yet another memory and lock my phone. I place my phone back into my pocket and lean against the wall. My mind shifts back to our conversation on the patio and to the person she was talking to on the phone before I came out. I know it's none of my business but I can't help my curiosity.

"So, you never did get to tell me what brings you back to the city?"

She shifts from foot to foot and bites her lip as she considers her words. When her eyes find mine, I can see the hesitation.

"It's my mom, she needed somewhere to stay and it had to be local so she could continue her therapy and so I offered to come back. So we're roommates now... I guess," she informed with a nervous chuckle.

I try my best to disguise the shock on my face because every time her mother was mentioned, it was bad news. The last I'd heard, Ryder and her weren't even on speaking terms. I wonder what could've changed for her to go from that to living in the same space with her.

"I know, I know. It's a long story," she sighs and runs her fingers through her hair.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I just wasn't expecting you to say that. The last time I'd seen you, you guys weren't even talking. What's changed?"

"Well she was institutionalized for one, thank god," she says with a comedic tone.

Comedy was Ryder's way of making light and coping with even the darkest of things. From her fathers passing, to her lack of a normal childhood, to the strained relationship with her mother. I'm sure she was making plenty of dark jokes about us after we broke up.

"And she's on medication and is actually doing the work. Not just putting bandaids on things and pretending they're better. She's actually working through her shit and I.. I think I needed the time apart to see things for what they were, ya know?"

I nod but don't say anything, knowing all she really needs is for someone to listen.

"I was stuck in this place of just being angry that she couldn't be like other moms. That I couldn't be like other kids my age and just focus on school and being a kid. It wasn't until I had that space from her to reflect and realize how badly my fathers death had affected her and why things got so bad in the first place. She's really all I have left so I want to help her in any way that I can."

A moment passes where I'm just staring at her as I let it sink in. She's really back and plans to stay.

"I'm sorry for dumping that on you, I didn't mean to. It's just.. an old habit," she laughs nervously.

I quickly shake my head. I didn't mean for my silence to make her uncomfortable.

"No no, don't apologize. I get it. I'm glad she's doing better. I know it was bad there for a while. I honestly never thought I'd see the day where you two reconnected let alone live together but I'm happy for you. Truly," I assure her.

She smiles with relief and nods.

"Thanks, I just... I'm nervous about it but I'm sure it'll work out. I'm just going to keep telling myself it will...manifest it or whatever," she jokes.

I laugh with her.

"I'm sure it will."

She glances at the door and I can tell our time together has come to an end.

"I'm going to head out actually, I've had an exhausting day but I appreciate you taking the time to talk. Just keep me posted about any openings."

I nod and straighten up.

"Yeah, of course, anytime. Let me walk you out," I reply.

I gesture towards the door though it's not like I really had to show her out. We only made it about ten feet from the front door. I follow behind her, my eyes instinctively traveling her body and I mentally scold myself. She stops abruptly just as we're approaching the door and I nearly bump into her.

"Shit, sorry," she apologizes and turns to face me.

She takes a step back when she realizes how close we are and reaches into her bag.

"I forgot I also brought you this," she says as she pulls a burgundy sweatshirt from her bag.

Ryder hands it over to me and my fingers brush hers as I grab it. I ignore the familiar pull in my stomach as I unfold the sweatshirt.

My old soccer sweatshirt, with my last name and number on the back. I can't remember the last time I'd seen this and I'm shocked she'd even still have it.

I smile as all the memories come back.

"Shit, I thought this thing was long gone," I laugh.

"Me too. I was going through some of my boxes from storage and found it at the bottom of one. I'm sorry, I truly thought I'd given you everything back ages ago," she explains.

"No, no worries. Thanks for returning it. Don't know if I'll ever wear it but the memories are nice."

"Yeah, I figured. Maybe you can always give it to Claire. I'm sure she'd love it" she muses.

Her tone is light and her expression is neutral but I can see through it. She seems displeased.

"What? No, it's not like that Ry," I argue.

She smiles and shrugs it off.

"Have a good night Zayn," she concludes.

And then she's gone again and I'm left staring at the spot she was just in.

I exhale heavily and look down at the sweatshirt. Memories of Ryder wearing it cloud my mind and I suddenly want nothing to do with it. I stride to my room and into my walk-in closet and tuck it into the back of a drawer.

I don't want to part with it but I definitely don't need it in my face. A constant reminder of the promises I made that never came to fruition.

I finally make my way back to my couch, blunt between my lips and a lighter in hand. I sit back into the couch and close my eyes as I take a long drag.