Chapter 16 - Forget The Things We Swore We Meant

*JOSH'S POV*As soon as Jenna and Isabelle came back home, I was ready to resume my conversation with Jenna from where she had interrupted me to leave. I had planned it all out. I was going to tell her everything, and I wasn't going to let anything get in the way this time. I was in the kitchen when I heard the sound of the door opening and their quiet voices as they took off their jackets and shoes. I allowed them that much time, and then went into the hallway. However, three things made me hesitate.First; Jenna's self-congratulatory smile that contrasted oddly with the second thing: Isabelle's shaken expression and lack of her usual exuberance that was immediately evident in her countenance. The strange atmosphere between them was almost enough to make me pause."Jenna. We have to talk -"I would have carried on, though, if the third and final thing - my mobile vibrating in my back pocket - hadn't happened at that moment.I think Jenna must have heard it, because she looked up and her small smirk widened. I didn't know how to read that. "Yes, Joshie?" She asked sweetly. I rocked back on my heels, thrown. "I'm sorry, I should probably answer this. I'll be back in a moment," I reached for my phone. "Nice shopping trip?" I asked Isabelle. She nodded, and walked past me into the living room without saying anything. Weird.I glanced at Jenna, whose face was what I can only describe as gloating - at what, I had no idea - and as I headed up the stairs to take the call, I thought I heard her chuckle to herself. I shook my head and went into our bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I checked the caller ID, immediately forgot about my wife's behaviour, and perked up. "Hayley," I said eagerly once I had pressed 'accept'. "Hi, Josh," she replied. Her tone took me by surprise. She didn't sound equally happy to hear me; in fact, there was stress and some kind of suppressed emotion in her disembodied voice. "You got back from Europe yesterday, right?" I asked her anyway. "I was going to call you, but I guess you beat me to it." Silence. "How was it?""It was..." I heard her huff a sigh of hurt. "It wasn't that great, to be honest. I mean, the shows were fine. But... Have you seen the photos?""What photos?"As I listened to her telling me tersely that pictures of us together had been assailing her for days, I could sense that it wasn't just that bothering her, but there was something else, too; another cause for frustration creeping into her words. I figured the photos she was talking about were the ones Jenna had described in her diary, but I hadn't actually seen them. To be honest, I hadn't been on any form of social networking for a while; it had always been Hayley who was addicted to that, whereas I had never seen the point or had much time for it. Although I wanted to comfort her, I didn't see why it was such a big deal."But does it really matter? People are going to find out about it sooner or later." I said once she had finished."Yeah, I guess you're right about that. And no, it wouldn't matter," she ground her teeth together, "if you weren't still married. Josh, I wouldn't care about these photos if I was in a position where I could tell people that we were together. But as it is..." she puffed out in exasperation. "I just don't know what you're waiting for.""Waiting for what? Waiting to tell Jenna about us? Believe me, Hayley, I've been trying to.""Trying?" I could feel the annoyance brewing in the way she almost spat the word. "If you really wanted to, I think you could have done it by now."I was beginning to get angry myself, now. "Hayley, please stop. You're not being fair -""Oh, I'm not being fair? Have thought that perhaps this whole situation is unfair on me, too? I mean that if you really wanted us to be together, you would end things with Jenna. Why are you uncertain?" Her voice broke slightly. "Do you not want this?""Come on, Hayley, don't be ridiculous. You know I -""No, I don't know what to think anymore. I hate this." I heard her take a ragged breath. "I hate going behind people's backs. I hate not being able to be open about our relationship. I hate that I'm just some dirty little secret. I hate that I've given up everything for you - made myself so vulnerable, dependant on you - and you're getting cold feet. I didn't break up with my boyfriend of five years for you to -""You're twisting this all wrong. I love you, Hayley. Why are you making this so difficult?" The way she had said that had wounded me. She had sounded almost as if she regretted her split with Chad. I knew it was probably just because she was upset, and rightly too, I supposed; but still, it hurt."But how can that be true? When you're starting a family with her?"A family? Hayley, what are you talking about?"I could her her trembling down the line. "Are you, or are you not having a baby with Jenna?"A baby? What the hell is she talking about? Was she really interpreting me taking my time telling Jenna as evidence that I didn't want her? She thought I was stalling because I was, in fact, having a baby with her? Where was she getting this from? I was so shocked that I couldn't answer immediately. I couldn't believe she doubted me so much as to suggest something that ludicrous."I'm not even going to dignify that question with an answer."She was crying into the phone now. "Why can't you just say 'yes' or 'no'?""Because I shouldn't have to!" I shouted back. "You should trust me enough to know the answer!""I don't know how I can trust someone who leaves me hanging like this.""Leave you hanging? Hayley, this isn't easy for me either!""How hard can it be? Just tell her!"Just tell her? She couldn't have understood how conflicted I felt. It wasn't as straightforward as that; it was so confusing. I knew it was the right thing to do, and yet I felt kind of indebted to Jenna, like I owed her more than that. I didn't love her anymore, but I had once. I didn't want to break her that way. I knew it would destroy her. And yes, maybe I had been hesitating, but it wasn't because I didn't love Hayley. I just needed more time to work it out."It's not that simple! Every time I'm about to, there's always something in the way." It was a feeble excuse, and I guess part of the reason I was angry was because I was aware of that; I knew she was right in some ways. I just wanted her to be more sympathetic. "But you can't seem to understand that! You can't understand that everything isn't always about you!""Oh, shut up! I don't think everything's about me.""Yes, you do. You always did. This is just like back when we were both in Paramore. You always had to make yourself the centre of everything. You always did distort everything so it fit your point of view.""That's not true. That was you." She paused. I could her the phone shaking in her hand. "Why are we even talking about this? We said we'd leave that behind. I don't want to think of the past. I'm trying to think of the present, and the future. I'm trying to see how I'm going to get through this. But I don't know if I can anymore.""Fine!" I yelled. "Be that way! If you really have so little faith in us, maybe this wasn't supposed to work out.""And what does that mean? Where does this leave us?" She asked in a small voice."I don't know." I said. "I don't know."There was space where neither of us said anything, and all I could hear was my own heavy breathing. Finally, Hayley whispered, "Goodbye, Josh." And then she put down the phone.As soon as she was gone, I felt my fury ebbing and being replaced by a nagging sense of numbness and grief. I stumbled over to my bed and sat down, resting my head in my hands. My brain felt seized-up and frozen, incapable and unwilling to fully register it because of the pain it would cause. Empty and thinking of nothing, I focused on the sounds of Jenna and Isabelle moving around downstairs and listened to the muffled exchange of their disjointed conversation. Slowly, my breathing and heart rate returned to normal, and as the adrenaline left my body it began to dawn on me what had just happened. Was that it? Was it all for nothing?I looked across at a picture of Zac and I on the table beside my side of the bed and closed my eyes, trying not to let myself think that Hayley's name was now on the growing list of people who I had lost for good.And here we go againWith all the things we saidAnd not a minute spentTo think that we'd regretSo we just take it back,These words and hold our breathForget the things we swore we meant