Chapter 14 - Build Your Fences

*HAYLEY'S POV*

We'd started the next part of the Europe tour and had arrived in Prague when it began to get really bad.

We spent the morning sightseeing and exploring the city; looking around all the tourist attractions, checking out the architecture (I was really interested by that kind of thing) and several specialist bakeries (which was more Jeremy's style). We turned up in the early afternoon at the arena we would be performing in the next day. We were doing a sound check, fixing a couple of mistakes that we'd made the night before.

"Okay guys, we're going to have a five minute break while we just fix the lighting here," one of the tech guys shouted from backstage as Jeremy played the last bar of Ain't It Fun, which was about half-way through our setlist.

I placed my microphone (traditionally wrapped in orange tape) back on the stand and hopped off the stage, grabbing my hoodie from where I had tossed it on front row of seats. I slipped it on and then jumped back onto the stage, sitting down on the Paramore box and taking a breather. I took a sip of water from my bottle and placed it back on the floor, pulling out my phone from the pocket.

"Rad baseline, Jerm," Taylor commented, taking his guitar strap off and laying down the instrument on the rack.

"Take 'em to church!" I joked, slightly out of breath from rehearsing.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that people had found out about Josh and I. It had started around a week ago - a steady stream of comments on every platform of social media I had; friends, fans and strangers remarking on the rumours that Hayley Williams and Josh Farro had made up. I guess someone had seen us out together, and the stories had started to circulate, spreading like wildfire. At least they don't know about the rest of it, I had consoled myself. They only know that we're friends again. They haven't found out about... Well, not yet, anyway.

Up until then, it had been manageable. I'd been coping. But at that moment, when I opened twitter on my iPhone and began to scroll through my feed, I realised something had changed. It was turning from a continuos flow to an all-out deluge. I went on Instagram, and it was the same. It was bombarding me from all sides.

That was when I saw the photos.

It was Josh and I walking out of the arcade, hand in hand. The comments ranged from, 'So glad they're talking again!' to, 'He was such a prick. What's she doing with him?' to, 'Hmm. Now I get why Chad got dumped...', to downright abuse, with lots of expletives. People had already been saying these things, but the release of solid evidence in the form of pictures, rather than just relying on word of mouth, had added fuel to their flames. It was inescapable. I felt like someone was holding a huge magnifying glass to my personal life, analysing it, satirising it. Like every little thing I had tried so desperately to keep to myself had just exploded out. Nothing was secret anymore. It was completely horrible.

Stop being so selfish, I scolded myself. You're not the only person this has happened to. And it's not like everyone in the world is talking about it. You're not that famous. It's not like anybody really cares, anyway. They just like something to gossip about.

Social media really can be a breeding ground for negativity. Somehow, sitting behind a computer or tablet screen seems to give kids some big old fake balls. Sometimes I wondered why I even bothered with it. Taylor had been talking abut deactivating his twitter account for months.

I should have been grateful, really, that whoever had snapped these shots hadn't seen us around a minute earlier, when we had been kissing by the entrance. At the moment, those comments were merely speculations. No one had anything concrete. It's okay, I tried to tell myself. They haven't found out about all of it. It's okay. It didn't help, though.

Jeremy and Taylor must have seen the sudden difference in my countenance - the way my back started to slump as the weight of the world crashed down on my shoulders - because they both came over, looking worried.

"You okay, Hayles?" Taylor asked.

I scrubbed my face with the back of my hand, trying to hide the tears I had issued involuntarily. It was too late, though; they saw them anyway. They exchanged a meaningful look and crouched down by my side. I felt Jeremy's arm around my shoulders.

"What's up?" I heard the anxiety marring his strong, Southern accent. Jeremy was like a big brother to me. He'd always been there, through thick and thin. I knew I could trust him and Taylor. So why don't I want to tell them?

"It's nothing," I replied quickly, trying to fake a smile. It didn't fool them.

"Come on, Hayley," Taylor said reprovingly. "It won't help to keep it bottled up. You can tell us."

"Really, guys. I'm alright." I sniffed. "It's just some stupid people saying some nasty things who have nothing better to do with their time."

"What kind of things?"

I gave in, passing them my phone. I hated making such a big fuss out of it; I never like sharing my problems with people unless I have to. But right then, I needed a shoulder to cry on. I couldn't take it on my own anymore.

I watched their expressions as they looked at the screen; I observed the widening of their eyes, the fury pressing their mouths into hard lines.

"Hayley..." Taylor began, putting his arm around me to rest by Jeremy's.

"'I told you so', right?" I laughed humourlessly. "You guys warned me it wasn't a good idea to get close to Josh. You were right."

Jeremy shook his head resolutely. "No, Hayles. Don't blame yourself."

"But it is my fault," I said. "If I had followed your advice, this wouldn't be happening." Of course, I didn't really mean that. Josh was worth it. I would take this for him. Martyr, I thought to myself.

But I could hardly tell Jeremy and Taylor that. They, like everyone else, only knew for certain that I had reconciled with Josh. Nothing more. I'm sure they had their suspicions, though. Holding hands isn't something just friends usually do, unless they're very close.

"It's going to be okay. We're going to stop this." Taylor assured me.

"How?" I retorted sharply, and then sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be taking this out on you, T. It's just that I don't see how anything I can do is going to change it."

Taylor paused, looking thoughtful. Eventually he sighed as well, defeated. "To be honest, Hayley... I don't know. But you're going to get through this. I promise."

"You might just have to ride it out," Jeremy frowned. "They're not going to be talking about it forever. It'll blow over sooner or later."

"I know. Thanks, guys. You really are my best friends ever, okay?"

Jeremy cracked a smile, and Taylor rubbed my arm reassuringly. "We know."

They didn't even ask me about the comments suggesting Josh and I were more than friends, even though I could tell they wanted to, and for that I was grateful.

There was a moment's silence, and then we heard someone calling Jeremy's name. It took me a few seconds to connect the female, British voice with Kat, who I spotted coming through the door at the back of the stadium. Jeremy straightened in response, his smile widening to a beam. I couldn't help doing the same, wiping the last of the water from my eyes; Jeremy's happiness was contagious. He and Kat were so in love; it was impossible to feel down when you were around them. Besides, I'd been crying far too much recently. Jeremy was right; things were going to calm down in time. I could survive this.

Kat reached the stage, giving us a wave. Her wide eyes and wide grin told us she was excited. Jeremy reached out a hand and helped her up onto the stage. I noticed how she held her stomach unconsciously as she did so, and how she was wearing slightly baggier clothes than she usually did. Actually, thinking about it, she had been wearing looser dresses quite a lot recently; I didn't know why - she had a great figure.

"Hey, Hayley! Hey, Taylor!" She exclaimed, and gave Jeremy a peck on the cheek, leaving a red-lipstick mark on his cheek. "The backstage people told me I couldn't come in here because I was too distracting, but I snuck out of the bathroom."

I chuckled. Kat gave Jeremy a pointed glance, and I wondered what the implications of it were. "Shall I tell them?" She asked Jeremy eagerly.

Jeremy grimaced a little. "Uh, actually Kat, it isn't really the best time..."

"No, no, it's okay," I smiled. "What is it, Kat?"

She clapped her hands together like a little girl. She was entirely oblivious to the gloomy atmosphere she had walked into; it didn't matter, though - her bubbly presence was lightening it up anyway. "Well, I couldn't wait to tell you guys any longer. Jeremy and I have some big news."

"Uh-oh," Taylor laughed. The rest of us joined in.

Kat looked at Jeremy again, who gave her a consenting smile. She paused, milking the suspense. I elbowed her gently, and she giggled, brushing a lock of her long, curled brown hair out of her face. "Alright, alright. Jeremy and I... We're going to have a baby!"

Once I had registered what she had said, I gasped with Taylor simultaneously. "Oh, my gosh, Kat! Jerm!" I laughed incredulously. Jeremy beamed, pulling Kat into a hug. "Congrats, guys! That's amazing!"

"Congratulations," Taylor agreed, slapping Jeremy on the back. "Are we the first to know?"

"Almost. We've only told our parents so far, and Granny and Grandat."

"Cool. Is it a boy or a girl? Or do you want it to be a surprise?" I asked.

"It's a girl. We couldn't wait to find out," Kat replied, ecstatic. Jeremy rolled his eyes fondly in a you-mean-you-couldn't-wait-to-find-out kind of way.

The rest of the crew piled onto the stage to give their own warm congratulations, and, even though I felt better than I had before, I still seemed out of place amongst the happy faces. I found myself thinking of Josh. I didn't miss him in the same way I had missed Chad when I had been away from him; I longed for Josh in stronger waves, in tsunami tides that washed over me and left me feeling weak. I didn't just want to feel his strong arms around me; I wanted to taste his lips; I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to work out.

I wondered, fleetingly, if we had the possibility of ever having children, like Jeremy and Kat. I knew it was still early days, but I wondered if that future was open to us. I pictured the image of a blonde girl, with chubby legs and small hands, and a brunette boy running beside her. And then they wandered out of my mind, leaving nothing but empty space.

*JOSH'S POV*

I flicked through the pages, feeling a greater sense of foreboding as I read each entry. They dated as far back as 2007, and whilst they were written fairly regularly at the beginning - at an average of around once a week, although sometimes as frequently as every day - they began to become more sporadic towards the end, with longer periods of time between each one. The last five had six months between them. They were also shorter; the odd paragraph instead of the pages of outpourings she had penned before. As I came to the last one, I saw that she had written it only last week.

It felt inherently wrong to be invading her privacy like this - to be reading her diary without her knowledge - but I was too fascinated by these thoughts she had never shared with me to put it back.

I had come across it in the bottom drawer of her part of the wardrobe - somewhere I had never had cause to visit, which was probably the reason she kept it there. I had been clearing out old clothes, for something to do. I had been at something of a loss for the past few days; I felt sort of empty since Hayley had left to go back on tour. I found myself missing that life - something I had never done before. I had spent most of my teenage years in a tour-bus, and, in some ways, I had been glad when it was over. The constant proximity and involuntary intimacy was a little stifling at times, but now I longed for it. I had been away from Paramore for so long that I had almost forgotten what it had been like. Most of the negative memories had overwhelmed the positive ones. I remembered it all for what it really was now, and I wanted it back. And it wasn't just because I wanted to be close to Hayley, although that was part of it.

So I had been rifling through the old shirts and underwear, failing to ease my boredom, when I had found it. It was an unassuming little notebook, really - it could have been anything - but I had guessed it was a diary as soon as I saw it. Jenna was just downstairs; she could come up at any moment, so I skimmed through it quickly. At first I was just impassively curious, but now I couldn't stop. I was intrigued and vaguely upset by what I read, although I wasn't really surprised by any of it. It wasn't like I hadn't already suspected these things in the back of my mind; this just put it on paper.

The first entries were the strangest, or at least, it felt that way reading them. She had written them just after we had met - we had actually known each other as kids, but I hadn't seen her in ages, and I had just got back from a tour prior to the release of Riot!. It was bizarre feeling like a third party reader, who had no involvement with the people she wrote about.

I was still dating Hayley back then, and a lot of it had a weird tone of jealousy. The Josh and Jenna in the story she told became closer, and then, when there was the part about him splitting up with his girlfriend, her voice seemed oddly smug and self-gratifying, almost as if she had engineered it. The following sections held an underlying sense of paranoia - I guess that was the right word. As she was invited to join him on the next tour, she was always fearful about the relationship he had with Hayley. They were just friends now, that was clear, but whenever he playfully punched her on the arm, or told her a joke, she would worry. Even when Hayley got a new boyfriend and she and Josh started officially dating, just like she'd always hoped, she still worried.

The last entry made me feel unsettled. It was about her confrontation at the mall with Hayley, and I understood now why she had acted that way. It was because she was frightened that she was going to lose me. She viewed me as a possession, of sorts - as something she wanted to keep a tight grip on. She also talked about how she had seen pictures of Hayley and I together a few days ago that resurrected her old fears. She didn't want to talk to me about it, although it was evident that it was eating away at her.

It was actually kind of pitiful, really. I couldn't help feeling sorry that she felt that way, when I had thought of her as a trusting person in the beginning. It was sort of sad that she had never told me any of this. It made me realise just how little we had been communicating. I knew that we were growing apart. I couldn't bring myself to feel upset, though. It sounded awful, but I really just wanted out. Hayley understood me better than Jenna ever had.

It was also sad because this time, her suspicions were correct. Her paranoia wasn't entirely unfounded - in fact, what she worried about was true - and that made me feel even more guilty.

It made me decide that I needed to do it sooner rather than later. It helped me make that choice, finally, and I realised I was getting up, putting the diary back in the drawer, and heading down the stairs. I was going to do it. I was going to tell her about Hayley and I. Of course, knowing what I knew now, I didn't quite know how she was going to react. She was probably going to go crazy. I didn't know. To be brutally honest, I didn't really care.

I came to a halt in the hallway, and saw that Jenna was by the door, putting on her coat. It threw me - I didn't want her to go out and leave me to have second thoughts; I charged in anyway.

"Jenna, I need to talk to -"

"Sorry, Joshie, I need to go out and get some groceries," she said brightly, a smile on her face. It seemed a little too composed, as if it took a lot of effort to fix it there. "We've run out of eggs, and I wanted to make omelette for when our family comes round tonight. And I was going to meet up with Isabelle - she wants to get a new dress for her dance on Friday..."

Oh, God, I'd forgotten about that stupid dinner party she'd arranged. "This is important. Jenna -"

"Not now," she said firmly, the smile wavering slightly. She picked up her purse, opened the door, gave me the remnants of that disintegrating smile, and left the house before I could stop her.

If you let me I could,I'd show you how to build your fencesSet restrictions, separate from the worldThe constant battle that you hate to fightJust blame the limelight

Don't look upJust let them thinkThere's no place elseYou'd rather be

And now you can't turn backBecause this road is all you'll ever have

And it's obvious that you're dying, dyingJust living proof that the camera's lyingAnd oh, oh, open wide, 'cause this is your nightSo smile