Break up - 08

cw: thoughts of suicide

★★★★★

Rafayel came home yesterday.

But it didn't feel like he did.

He barely looked at me when he walked through his apartment door. No warm hugs. No cheeky grin. No playful "Did you miss me?"

He just said he was tired and locked himself in his room.

And I let him. Because I don:t know how to talk either.

I wanted to cry in his arms-wanted to melt into him and tell him everything. That Caleb was gone. That my chest felt like it was hollow and full all at once. That I needed him to hold me like nothing else mattered.

But I didn't.

Because every time I tried, my throat closed up and my heart told me it wasn't the right time.

Because Rafayel had changed.

His presence was here, but it felt like he wasn't.

Even Thomas is quiet these days.

I tried to ask him, just once, when we crossed paths in the hallway.

"Is something wrong with Rafayel?"

He didn't meet my gaze.

"I... don't think it's my place to say. Sorry, Y/N."

That was it.

No hints. No advice. Just a vague wall between me and the person I loved.

Then, I started noticing things.

How Rafayel always had his phone in hand. How he'd whisper in the hallway or lock himself in the bathroom to take calls. How he always looked tired, not in the sleepy kind of way-but the kind that eats away at you.

And almost always-he was on the phone.

Once, late at night when I passed by his room like I used to do before, I heard his voice through the cracked door.

"I can't tell my girlfriend about this. She doesn't need to know."

He sounded... stressed. Hurt. Guilty.

The line repeated in my head for hours.

She doesn't need to know.

She doesn't need to know.

She doesn't need to know.

Who was he talking to?

Why was he hiding something?

Why couldn't he talk to me?

I'm a psychiatrist...

My heart instantly went to the worst possible answer. That actress. The one he painted. The one he smiled with on that stupid video.

Was she the caller?

Was she the reason he didn't want to talk to me?

I hated thinking like that. Rafayel isn't like that.

But when you've already buried someone, when you're already cracked and shattered and barely standing... even little things feel like earthquakes.

I wasn't angry.

Not really.

Just confused.

Lonely.

Broken.

I didn't even have Caleb anymore. No one to call me "pipsqueak," no dumb memes waiting on my phone, no late night "you good?" texts. Just me, in this quiet apartment, sitting on the couch while the person I love was a room away... feeling like a thousand miles apart.

I curled into myself that night, hugging a pillow Rafayel gave me that didn't smell like him anymore.

My thoughts were too loud.

My heart was too tired.

I wondered if I made a mistake falling in love.

─── ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ ───

It was a Sunday. The last day of my break.

Quiet.

Cruel.

The kind of day where the sun looks warm but everything feels cold.

I sat on the rails of my balcony, fingers curling and uncurling in my lap. Rafayel silhouette stood across the room, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched like he was trying to fold himself smaller.

Can I jump here? Can I grow wings too?

Everything's so damn messed up. I feel pathetic. So, so pathetic.

Me and Rafayel haven't spoken properly in days.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Rafayel." I called out, and even just his name made my chest hurt. "I can't keep doing this."

He walked out and looked at me from his balcony. We used to have early morning and late night talks here. I miss it. I miss him.

He looked up, slowly. His eyes-god, those eyes-were tired. But not surprised.

"This," I gestured between us, "this silence, this wall... it's killing me."

Still, nothing from him. Not a word. Just a sad sort of stare, like he was watching something he knew he couldn't save.

The wind around us blew dramatically. Where am I? in a novel? A fanfic? Why the hell does the wind mock our situation?

My fingers gripped onto the railing, looking down, yet making sure that he's still listening to me.

"Is it the actress?" I asked quietly. "Are you... with her?"

He blinked. "What?"

I jumped down, looking directly at him, standing from the other side.

"Then what is it?" My voice cracked, hands balling into fists. "Tell me. Just tell me, Rafayel. I'm drowning over here, and you keep pretending like we're okay when we're not!"

He opened his mouth.

Then closed it again.

No excuses. No explanations.

Just silence.

It was worse than a confession.

I let out a broken laugh. "Wow... Okay."

Now I believe when people say that the silence is deafening. I proved to myself that it's not just an exaggeration.

"Then... I guess we're done."

His breath hitched, just a little.

And then he looked away-staring at the ground like it held all the answers he couldn't say out loud.

"...Okay."

That was it.

No "wait."No"don't go."No "this is a misunderstanding, let me explain."

Just...

Okay.

......okay.

Okay...?

I thought I'd feel relief. I thought maybe it'd make things easier, but it only made the hole in my chest stretch wider.

Because if he loved me-really loved me-wouldn't he fight?

Wouldn't he try?

But he didn't.

He just let me go.

I walked out the balcony . Each step felt like walking barefoot on glass. But before I exited, I grabbed the handle.

Paused.

One last time, I looked over my shoulder.

He was still there.

Still silent. Still looking at the floor. As if the weight of everything was just too much.

So I left.

And the moment the door closed behind me...

I cried like I did the day I lost Caleb.

Because this time, I lost someone who was still alive.

And that hurts in a different way.

In a more, painful way.

★★★★★

misunderstanding arc here we goooo!