Chapter 3

"Another day..." I woke up to the sound of my alarm, ringing loudly filling my apartment with its sound. I reached out to the nightstand beside my bed.

I opened my phone, the screen light shined, being the only source of light inside my apartment. The clock being my first attention showed the time at 7:02, my eyes hovered to the empty notification bar before turning off my phone and tossed it to the bed.

"I'll tidy it up later." I spoke my voice harsh as I began to walk towards the bathroom and noticed the scattered trash on the floor.

I turned on the faucet, letting the cold water run as I splash my face with it. I look at the mirror, sighed as I see my own reflection. Eyebags that seemed to get darker each day, my eyes dull. It's been a long time since I really looked at myself.

After finishing my business in bathroom, I wandered back to the living room. The dawn light crept through the curtains, casting a soft glow on my cluttered apartment. Papers scattered around, clothes anywhere, trash, the mess didn't bother me anymore.

Despite how much I tried to not think of her, my mind always drifted back to Sui-chan.

I've not watches her streams for days, not that I don't want to, but I need to move on from her, it's been what? Seven years I think, yet her voice still lingered inside me, her touch in my dreams felt real.

I'm proud of her, for what she achieved, for finally become an Idol like she always wanted to be. It felt like yesterday when she talked to me for the first time, when she invited me to watch her rehearsal after school, and now look at her shining so bright. From the Gymnasium Stage to Budokan.

What about me? I've living like this for years, going to the same routine over and over again. Lost my money to gambling, and addicted to alcohol. "I've really changed, huh?"

I spoke at the same time dressing up to go to the office.

'How is she doing?' I thought to myself, her smile appeared in my mind.

As I stepped outside, the cold air greeted me, waking me up more than the coffee I hadn't bothered to make. The city was already buzzling, cars honking, people rushing to start their day and stuff. Everything blurred together into a monotonous life.

I pulled my jacket tighter, feeling the cold creeping up behind my back, the fluorescent lights inside flickered, adding to the sterile, lifeless feelings that hung over the place as I stepped inside the office, the smell of coffee and ink printer greeted me like it did every day.

"Hey man!" A colleague of mine greeted me, "Want to join for some beers after work?"

"Yeah, I could drink some." I replied giving a nod before heading to my desk.

As I made my way to my desk, I pulled out my phone, habit taking over. I opened YouTube and hovered over Sui-chan's channel, the urge to hear her voice and see her face are strong, but, I'm able to stop myself as I locked my phone.

Still. It didn't stop the memories to flood back. I could almost hear her laugh, the way she used to teases me for being too serious. Those days felt like it belonged to someone else, not me.

I stared at the computer screen in front of me, checking emails, schedule, reports and meetings, but my mind went elsewhere.

"Hey, Y/N-senpai." A voice called me out of my mind, I turned to the source of it and saw Ayumi, my co-worker whom just joined the company a year ago. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Ayumi." I replied, turning my attention to her. Her black hair shimmered under the office light.

"Are you sick or something? You look worse." She asked moving her chair next to me.

"I'm good, Ayumi. Thanks for asking." I replied, though I feel mentally destroyed.

"You know that you can always talk to me, right, Senpai?" She put her hand on my desk, resting her head on it.

This junior of mine somehow always feeling cheerful all the time, despite the gloomy atmosphere of the office.

"Yeah, I know." I gave her a nod.

I was grateful she didn't press any further, she didn't need to know, nobody needs to know what I've been going through, of what happened to me just because a single woman walks away from my life. I don't deserve her in the first place anyway.

The hours ticked in slow motion, my body went through it all by itself, typing reports, meetings. And yet my mind kept flashing back to that time again and again.

That afternoon, at the Gymnasium where she stood out amongst another students, her voice filled the room captivating anyone whom heard it. It felt like yesterday when that happened, and I knew she would make it as an Idol that day.

I fucking hate it, why did we even talk that day? If only I didn't come to the Gymnasium that day, if only I avoided her back then.

I fucking hate myself for thinking that I mattered to her. I didn't matter at all, the whole world would be the same if I died, what would change?

"Senpai!" A voice tracked me back, it was Ayumi's. "It's break time." I realized I've been spacing out for the whole hours of meeting.

"Oh, you're right." I look around the room, noticing there's only two of us. The rest already went for lunch.

"You've been spacing out a lot these couple days," She paused, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm okay, just tired, that's all." I replied, to which she stared at me in disbelief.

She then gave me a small nod and leave the room. I exhaled, sinking deeper into the chair.

The rest of the day dragged on, but I made it somehow. By the time I step outside my colleagues already there, waiting for me.

We walk towards the bar together, and I could already feel the day weight getting heavier on my shoulder. The bright lights of the city reflected on the damped pavement as we made our way to the bustling city.

The bar was dimly lit, chatter of people filled the room as we stepped inside. The smell of alcohol and fried food hit me in the nose, and for a moment, I could feel everything's going to be okay.

We found a table and my colleagues ordered the drinks. I didn't bother to listen to their talk about works, or women. Instead I sipped the beers in front of me, over and over again, the taste offered me comfort.

"You okay, dude?" One of my colleagues, Ryuu asked me, noticing I've been silent for the whole time.

"I'm good, man." I replied, wishing he didn't push any further.

"Talk to me, Y/N." But instead he put down his drink and turned to me. "You've always helped me, you know that?"

'Maybe I can talk to him.' And as I'm about to started talking to him, other colleagues of mine crack a joke which make everyone laugh, and I forced a smile.

Hours passed and I kept drinking and drinking, moving to heavier stuff as the night stretch. My head felt heavy, my vision started to blur. Eventually the group began to disperse as we leave the bar, and I found myself walking towards my apartment drunk as the night air creeped in my back.

As I struggled to see things clear, I bumped to someone. I can't clearly see the face but it's seems like two young man with their girl beside them.

"I'm sorr—"

Right as I'm about to apologize I found myself in the ground.

"What a bum." One of them speaks, spitting at me. I couldn't accept this.

I stood up, resting my body to the wall behind me. "You don't need to spit at me."

Instead of giving a reply, one of them who had a blonde hair throw a punch at me. My instinct kicked in as I block his punch and throw one myself at him, it felt sluggish as I see him stumbled, I fall to the ground after him as my head getting heavier.

His friend rushed at me and continuously punching me at the ground, I struggled to see his punch as I'm having difficulty holding my eyes open, but somehow, I'm able to throw him off my body.

I stand up again though it was difficult, I see him charged at me with his fist in the air, I pulled the rest of my strength and kick him in the face.

I could hear the two young girls screamed and I take it as a sign to leave before more problems came at me.

I spat blood to the pavement which I wiped using the back of my hand, As I walked towards my apartment, I feel my hamstring ached which make me remember that I used to learn martial art in high school. "Fuck, since when the last time I moved this much." I muttered to myself holding the back of my thigh.

The cold night air hit me again, biting my skin. My vision blurred again, feeling all the weights crushed on me, I leaned against the wall for support, feeling the cold and rough sensation through my suit before I slid to the ground.

"Sui-chan..." I muttered, the name I wish I didn't say again spilled out before I could stop it. My chest tightened as the past memories of her coming back again, her smile, her laughter and the taste of her curry.

I laughed bitterly, realizing it's nothing but a past. "What a joke."

The walk to home felt really long as I stumbled to the ground again and again, but eventually I made it to the front door of my apartment. I walked inside, trying to find the bottled water I placed near my bed. I drink the whole bottle, the room temperature water sliding down my throat.

I regain my vision, even just a little. I saw a framed photo, of me and her. I throw it out of my sight, hearing the shattered sound of glass as it hit the wall.

My phone buzzed, the vibration sending a jolt through my body. There's a notification, from a certain social media account.

"Aren't this?" I clicked on the notification, realizing it's Sui-chan's account.

I found all the old pictures are still there, our first date and everything.

Curiosity get me, and I clicked on her story and my heart clenched at the sight of it.

It was her, her usual warm smile is still there. She's in a selfie, with another man wearing a black suit, his hand over her shoulder as he smiled. The two looks happy, too happy.

My heart felt like it tore in pieces, the pictures in my phone blurred as tears fall from my eyes, but I quickly wiped it. The realization hit me harder than anything, I was a distant memory for her, what did I expect?

I should know that I didn't deserve her at the first place.