Confidently Lost

"Cassy?"

"Hey."

"It's late..."

"I know...I just...I wanted to hear your voice."

"Is something wrong?"

"No...I was just...in bed...in LA...and it still...it smells like you."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"Cassy, I know you. Something is wrong."

"I just miss you. I want to see you. I...need to see you."

"I'll leave tomorrow."

"Justin, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you so late. I'm so stupid. Don't come. Forget I called you. I'm gonna go to sleep. I'm sorry."

"Cassy, please don't-"

"Don't, Justin. I'm sorry for calling you ok? Goodnight."

"Goodnight. I love you."

"I love you, too. Bye."

I closed my eyes really tight as I felt my chest tighten up. Hearing Justin's voice used to be comforting, and now it was becoming a descent into anxiety. I used to be able to call him at any time of the day and he would talk to me for hours. But now he was married. I was acquaintances with his wife. I rolled over and looked at the clock next to my bed. 3:27am. I rolled my eyes. I reached for some sleeping pills in my drawer and waited for sleep to hit me.

The next morning I woke up and decided to find a yoga class to go to. When we reached the end of the class and we were winding down, all laying on our backs and listening to the teacher speak to us, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes again. When was the class was over I went to grab my bag and pulled my phone out of it. Justin's name was flashing across the screen and I hurriedly opened it.

"Cassy, I'm worried about you after that call last night. I hope everything is ok. I'm sorry I couldn't talk to you longer I just didn't want Jessica to get suspicious. I hate that we have to do this. I love you. Call me when you get a chance."

I grabbed my bag off the floor and realized everyone around me was gone.

"Hi." I realized the teacher of the class was walking towards me.

"Oh, hey. Sorry I guess I got lost in my own world for a minute. I really loved your class. It was very...freeing."

"I don't want to seem weird or anything, but I noticed you crying. It happens from time to time but I still wanted to ask you if you were doing ok."

"Yeah, of course. I'm fine."

"You just...have an energy surrounding you. Like something is really plaguing you."

Did this woman think she was my psychiatrist?

"No, I'm fine."

"Ok. I hope you decide to come back tomorrow."

"I probably will. Thanks."

I walked out the room and to my rental car, a weird feeling lingering after the teacher spoke to me. I found myself driving past a salon and decided to pull over. I don't know what came over me but I knew I wanted to change something. 2 hours later my hair was black for the first time in 7 years, my curls straightened and blowing in the California wind. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was me. I felt like I was home.

I stopped at In n Out on my way home and sipped on my neapolitan milkshake while I listened to Strawberry Bubblegum. When I got home and walked through the front door, I saw Justin sitting on my couch.

"Justin, I told you not to come."

Justin jumped at the sound of my voice, and then got up to face me.

"I know but...wow." he said, but he stopped to stare at me.

"What's wrong?" I said, worried.

"You died your hair back."

"Oh." I said, touching it. "Does it look terrible?"

"No, no. You look great."

 "How did you get into my apartment?" I said, setting down the food and drink on the table.

"I stole one of the keys you had hidden." he said, with a smirk.

"You're such a creep." I said, laughing.

"So..."

"So...?"

"Are you going to kiss me?"

I paused. It didn't even occur to me to hug or kiss Justin. I don't know why. I just felt good with him being here. I felt safe. We had never had that kind of relationship before. I looked up at him. He brushed my hair out of my face and behind my ear. My skin got hot with his touch. He looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and smiled. I smiled back at him.

"You are so beautiful," he said.

"Justin, stop." I said, feeling myself turning red again.

"You look how I remember you. But somehow...even better," he said, placing his hands on my cheeks.

He leaned in and I closed my eyes, anticipating his lips. When they finally met mine my breath caught in my throat. He kissed me slowly, passionately, like he loved me. First with small kisses, then his tongue was in my mouth and his hand was in my hair. I felt so lucky having this man love me like this. The way my father said no man would ever love me. 

I thought of my dad's words, Jeremy's words, the words of men that had taken advantage of me. I thought of how through all my flaws and drama, Justin was always there. He never left me until I made him. I thought of when Justin asked me 'why him and not me'. I felt my heart plummet. How many things in my life could I have avoided if I would've told Justin I loved him years ago? How much emotional...and physical abuse would I have saved myself from?

"It feels like we're in our own little world no one knows about when we're here," I said. Justin and I were laying in bed facing each other and laughing about nothing.

"I like that."

"Remember that time we tried to build a clubhouse in my backyard? We had that stupid list of rules like 'must have an ice cream sandwich every Friday at 2'," I said, laughing.

"Or 'must not bother Cassy while she watches Growing Pains'," he said, poking me in the stomach. 

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"What's up?"

"Will you sing to me?"

"Wow, I haven't done that in forever."

"I know. I miss it."

He smiled at me and pulled me to him, wrapping his arm around me as I laid my head on his chest. i wrapped my arm around his body and took in the scent of his cologne. He slowly brushed my hair back and rubbed my arm back and forth.

"What do you want me to sing?"

"Sing Blue Ocean Floor."

He kissed me on the forehead and started singing. I closed my eyes and listened to his soft voice serenading me. I remembered all the times after my dad had left my room that Justin would sing to me. He would hold me and just start singing. An image of Jeremy hitting me across the face appeared in my mind. I felt my hand grip Justin's shirt and I wrapped my leg around his. Justin sang me to sleep that night, and I felt closer to him than I ever had before.

"You seem like you're in higher spirits today. You're radiant."

"Thank you, I had a good night."

"I hope whatever's ailing you is solved soon. Your light is there, but you're scared to let it out. I hope that one day you allow yourself to show it."

I left my yoga class that day thinking of the words my teacher told me. I wondered if it was written all over my face that something was wrong. I hoped no one could tell something was wrong. In a week I would be able to bury myself in my job and I was desperately looking forward to it.

When I got back to my condo, Justin was still fast asleep in my bed. I peeled out of my yoga attire and walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower. I pulled on a shower cap and got in, enjoying the warm water. For a while I just stood there letting the water hit my body, taking deep breaths. I was thinking about the process of leaving Jeremy. It was time. As the thought crossed my mind I felt two hands touch my hips and then a body press against my back. Justin wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the neck. I leaned back into him and smiled to myself.

"Good morning," I said.

"Where did you go?" said Justin.

"To a yoga class."

"So you're feeling limber?" he said, pressing himself against my back and sucking on my ear. I laughed.

"Maybe..."

And then the phone started ringing. We tried to ignore it, but the ringing didn't stop. I sighed and climbed out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around my body. I walked over to the bed and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I said, pulling my shower cap off and sitting down on the bed. 

"Where have you been all morning? I've been calling you," said Jeremy, annoyed.

"I went to yoga class and I was just in the shower, Jeremy. Calm down."

"Did you get the rental car?"

"I did."

"Well, I want you to go pick out a new car."

"A new car?"

"Well, you need a car to get to work don't you?"

"Of course, yes."

"Ok. So pick out a car. Any car. I don't care the price. Just put it on the American Express. I have to go. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye."

He hung up and i put down the phone, confused. I thought of the mornings after my dad beat me, and how he would make me breakfast or give me money for a book he knew I wanted. Justin walked out the bathroom, dry and fully naked. My mouth almost dropped open. I crossed my legs, feeling a throbbing developing and trying to contain myself. It was the first time I had been horny in weeks and I was taken aback. Justin walked over to me, leaned down, and kissed me. I could taste the toothpaste in his mouth as he pulled open my towel and lifted me further on to the bed. Before I even had time to process what was happening he was inside of me and my legs were wrapped around his waist.

"I missed you," he grunted in my ear.

"I missed you, too," I breathed into his ear, running my nails along his back.