Elevators

I'd been back in New York City a week and resumed my life as usual. Justin and I agreed not to see each other for a while and try to figure out what we were going to do. A part of me wanted to pretend it never happened, the other part wanted us to leave our spouses and be together; a very small third part wanted me to move to another country and assume another identity. I knew both were impossible (number 3 would never happen). Jeremy was getting antsy about my not wanting to have sex. I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him when I got home.  I couldn't make up many more excuses. I didn't want to make him angry.

"Babe! I bring steaks!" Jeremy voice boomed through the loft.

"The key to my heart!" I screamed back at him.

"I ran into Jessica on the elevator. Said she hasn't seen you in a while. I told her you'd call her."

"Ok. I'll do that." Yeah right.

"I'm going to make you a steak for the gods." He kissed me and kissed him back as passionately as I could.

I really did love Jeremy. He was everything you could possibly want in a man. Attractive, smart, artistic, filthy rich. And he loved ME. Of all people. Despite how crazy I was. I watched him make us dinner while I contemplated all this. Then I watched him as we both ate. We got ready for bed and were both watching TV when he started touching me. Then kissing me. He pulled me down and climbed on top of me, between my legs.

"Jeremy, can we-"

He placed his hand over my mouth. He went back to kissing my neck and I stayed quiet. When he pulled off my panties I didn't say anything. Sometimes this is just what he did. I just figured this is what being married was. I was surprised he had allowed me to go this long denying him. Maybe he really did miss me while I was gone. I'd never taken a trip away from him before. As he got more rough I tried to take my mind away from it. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Justin and how soft he touched me, how sweetly he made love to me, how his lips felt on mine. Instantly the sex felt better.nWhen he was done he rolled off of me, pulled me close, and fell asleep. I laid there for a long time afterward, staring into the darkness.

"You've been being weird all day. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm just out of it I guess. It's been a weird few weeks."

Reese and I were having tea after yoga and I guess she'd noticed how different I was. Justin had texted me saying he missed me earlier. I didn't respond. I just deleted the text. Jeremy kept buying me flowers to apologize for the last night, but I kept trying to push it out of my mind. Of course I wanted to tell Justin I missed him. I ached for him every day, but I couldn't.

"Did you see Justin while you were in LA?" My head snapped towards her and I made a face. "I'm guessing that's a yes. Tell me what happened."

"How did you know Justin was in LA?"

"You...texted me that you guys were on the same flight?" 

"Can I be honest with you?" I put my hands over my face and sighed. Every part of me seemed to be aching. I felt like I hadn't slept in weeks. I was having trouble focusing and all I wanted to do was take some drugs and numb myself.

"Cassy, what's going on?"

"I slept with Justin." I blurted out.

"WHAT?" Once again, everyone in the coffee shop turned around to give us a look. "Cassy, you're not serious. Justin like...hates you. Doesn't he?"

"It just...happened." I explained to her everything that happened. All the details, the way I was feeling, everything. She paused for a long time before she replied.

"Are you guys...going to get a divorce?" she said carefully.

"No...no. We never discussed that. Justin would never leave Jessica."

"I don't think it's that Justin wouldn't leave Jessica, I think it's that he would have a very hard time getting you to leave Jeremy."

"What does that mean?"

"You are comfortable with Jeremy. If there's one thing I know about you it's that you seek comfort. You want stability. Jeremy has proven to be stable. Justin comes and disrupts your life occasionally and it makes you crazy. You're confused and erratic. "

"I'm in love." I said,  pitifully.

"Cassy...what are you going to do?" She said very slowly.

"Nothing. I'm not going to do anything."

An hour later I stepped onto the elevator to my loft. Whenever I came home now I was nervous I was going to run into Jessica or Justin. I wondered if Jeremy had realized I was acting weird and that's why he's been so angry lately. I watched Justin step onto the elevator and stand next to me, not saying anything. The doors closed to the elevator and he stepped in front of me. We looked each other in the eye before he kissed me. He pressed me against the wall of the elevator and slid his tongue in my mouth. My hands were on his face, pulling him closer. The elevator came to a stop and Justin pulled himself away from me before the doors opened. I walked out the elevator and didn't look back.

"I can't ignore him anymore." I said sighing into the phone the next day. 

"I would say so if you're making out in elevators," said Reese.

"I don't know what we're doing but it feels...amazing," I said exasperated.

"What you're doing is having an affair. Don't sugarcoat it or think it's something other than what it is. Eventually you're going to have to make a decision and in these situations it's almost never that you both live happily after ever together."

I looked up to see the door to my office opening and Justin slipping in. He walked over to my desk and stood in front of it.

"Reese, I have to call you back." I didn't wait for her to answer before I hung up the phone. I got up and walked over to the other side of the desk, in front of Justin.

"You can't be here."

"I had to see you. Where else could I possibly see you. Why haven't you been responding to any of my texts or phone calls?" said Justin.

"We're married."

"Cassy, avoiding me isn't going to erase what happened."

"You think I don't fucking know that? I'm stressed out. I'm not having sex with my husband. I have to go to LA and find us a house while he's doing God fucking knows what out here. I have to adjust my whole fucking life, and meanwhile I had a fucking affair with Justin Timberlake! I'm all over the fucking place and all I can think about is downing oxys until I pass out."

I closed my eyes and leaned against my desk.

"So you got the job?"

"Yes, I got the fucking job. Of course I got the job." I said, looking at Justin incredulously.

"I'm happy for you, Cassy. I just want to to acknowledge that. I miss you," said Justin looking at me with those deep blue eyes again.

"I miss you, Justin. This is so hard. Jeremy is angry with me and I really hate when he's mad."

This seemed to trigger Justin. He moved very fast towards me and then he put both of his hands on my shoulder and he forced to me look at him with a very serious expression on his face.

"Does Jeremy hurt you, Cassy?"

"Justin, what? No! God, no. Why would you think that?" I said, shocked.

"That's what you used to say when your dad would hit you. 'He's mad and I really hate when he's mad'," said Justin.

I had sudden flashbacks. My dad's hand striking me in the face, kicking me on the floor, Justin climbing into my window and picking me up. Then red poppies. It all flashed through my head in what seemed like milliseconds. I shook my head violently and looked at Justin.

"He's never hurt me, Justin, calm down. I promise."

I put my hands on Justin's chest, and he released my shoulders. I had forgotten how protective Justin was, and it provided me with a comfort I hadn't felt in a long time. Sometimes it escapes me that we were both kids and it was probably traumatizing for him as well. I felt of rush of emotion towards him. So I stood up, I pulled him towards me, and I kissed him. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me close to his body. It wasn't a sexual kiss, it was a loving one. I realized then I was reaching a point where I couldn't live without Justin. I suddenly felt like I was willing to have this affair as long as Justin was.