Chapter 2 - Nobody Noticed It

Chapter 2 – Nobody Noticed It.

A week later; Graveyard.

Emily Sheldon...

'I heard broken footsteps; was that you limping? Well, I wish that I had spent just a little bit more time with you. Tears on my ceiling; weren't you watching? Well, I guess none of us will ever know what comes after this,'

My tears had begun about half way through Jeffrey's eulogy and I hadn't managed to stop – I feel weak and pathetic. It felt even more undignified when Jeffrey had, had to support me while leaving the funeral home. Lowering my dad's coffin into the ground; was when I felt the finality of the situation washed over me like a tsunami.

Even now, everyone was gone and it was just me alone with my dad and all I can think about is that how am I going to walk away; when it already felt like my feet had suddenly sprouted roots that felt like they wouldn't move. My stomach was clenching so tightly that I felt sick – I could feel it rising, but it just wouldn't come over that last hurdle to come out. I don't think that I have ever been to a funeral without my dad; which in a weird way, I wasn't at this one without him.

'You're still lovely, you were lovely then, all that you had to endure, I guess; nobody noticed it, I know your resemblance its out there walking, and I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten,'

Why didn't I see it? Why did he have to hide it from me?

Before his diagnosis; he had hidden the pain that he was in, he hid the fact that he was being sick more often than not. From what the doctor told me about the type of cancer he had; he would have been in a considerable amount of pain.

My heart feels broken and it hurts more than anything that has ever hurt me before – my dad and I had always been close; mostly due to it just being him and I. We had made a pact when I was ten years old that regarding his romantic life that I always had to be honest about whoever he was dating, and that he would always listen to my views. Even to this day; he had never dated. Jeffrey once told me that the reason my dad never dated or got married again, was because he loved my mom so much that there was no one else on this planet that could hold his love the way my mom had.

I loved the thought of my dad loving my mom so much that he just didn't even want to try and replace her.

'Well, they tried to make you look broken, but not while I'm living, 'cause I wanted you to know I heard what you said while it was raining, you're still lovely, you were lovely then, all that you had to endure, I guess nobody noticed it,'

I would have loved to have known my mother. Seeing the home videos of her during her pregnancy and before – she came across as a peaceful and loving soul. There were never any moments that she didn't have a smile on her beautiful face. When I say beautiful, I mean she was supermodel beautiful and I paled in comparison next to her. I guess I am guilty of holding her on a pedestal and trying to measure myself up to her and always failing miserably.

'You made me, I love you and did you know nothing has changed, and now everyone they notice it, everyone notices, you're still lovely, you were lovely then, all that you had to endure, I guess nobody noticed it, you made me, I love you and did you know, nothing has changed, and now everyone they notice it, everyone notices,'

"Ems?" the sound of his voice pulled me from the song that I had picked as the last moments of dad and I being together had begun to fade. My own last private moment – that if anyone else were to interrupt it, I would be livid with, but Jeffrey was different, he was my dad's best friend, they had known one another from the day they were born.

"You waited?"

"Of course, your dad would haunt the shit out of me if I left you here alone!" he informed me smiling and he was absolutely right.

Fuck! My dad would do a hell of a lot more if he had ever known how I felt about his best friend. Deep down; I knew that Jeffrey would never look at me in the way that I look at him. If I were to focus on that fact I know that it would truly devastate me but for now, my only true focus was getting through this day.

Saying goodbye to my dad the right way was all that was important at this moment in time. I want to do him proud and to do that; I can't be pondering about my feelings for his best friend. I would have plenty of time to mope around after this was all over.

"That is scarily true!" I nodded, "you know I am glad that we have a few minutes alone – I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the absolutely perfect eulogy. There was absolutely nothing about it that he'd have disliked or wanted change,"

"Your dad is my best friend, was my best friend and there was so much that I wanted to say and you have no idea just how much I had to cut out; otherwise we'd still be in the funeral home,"

My smile was instant; I definitely believed him. It seemed like every time we were altogether – they'd share stories that none of us had ever heard. I always found myself laughing at them – they had shared so many good times, and I need to remember that Jeffrey had also lost his best friend. Since my dad died Jeffrey had put his grief on the back burner in favour of being there for me. It was selfish of me to take comfort from him when he was also grieving.

"I'm sorry Jeff,"

"What are you saying sorry for honey?"

"You are grieving too and its been all about me,"

"Emily, you have just lost your dad – my grief can wait. You are my best friend's daughter and I promised your dad that I would look out for you – so you don't need to worry about me, I am grieving in my own way!"

"Well if you feel like you need to chat about it, I am here for you,"

"Thank you, sweetheart!" he gave me that smile – you know the one that guys give you when you offer something and they are too polite to say no, so they just smile and you know that there is no way that they will ever take you up on your offer? Yes, that smile.

Pulling me close to him – I just took comfort from it and I couldn't stop the tears from starting again. I am so glad that I had the foresight to avoid putting on make-up; otherwise I would be looking like Penny-wise after being drowned.

All I want to do, is just make him proud; I had always strived to make him proud and happy. At the end of the day, my dad had been my closest friend and going from seeing and talking to him, every day to absolutely nothing – I am not entirely sure that I can do it! I know that I have no option; I can't bring him back, I can't turn back the time; I just have to accept it and find my own path without him.

"Jeff?"

"Yes?"

"I don't think I can handle the wake!"

"Ok, so do you want to just go home?"

"Am I not obligated to be there?"

I don't have much first had experience with funerals – so I'm not sure of what is expected of me. Staring at the coffin lying motionless in the dug out for it and wish that my dad, had talked to me about this all but obviously it didn't occur to us that he'd be gone so soon.

"No honey. You are not obligated to be anywhere other than where you want to be,"

"I just clearly have no fucking idea of what I am doing!"

"You don't have to know what is going on or what you are doing, you are entitled to be feeling a little disorientated,"

I don't think that I could be more grateful for what he had just told me. I needed that; I needed to know that I don't need to have all the answers; which is something that I am really bad for doing. I feel that I need a routine and set times for what I'm feeling.

"You ready?" Jeff asked me.

"Do you mind if we stay for a little bit longer?"

"Of course, I don't mind!"

We both sat down on the grass around the grave-stone and we begun talking and reminiscing about the times we had spent with dad.

An hour later;

Jeffrey Dean Morgan...

I am not what you would call an emotional man. I certainly don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I very rarely cry; I guess it has more to do with how I was raised than anything else. However, losing my best friend I feel the largest wave of loneliness wash over me every time I think about my best friend being gone and never seeing him again. There just doesn't seem to be the right words to articulate just what I am feeling and what I want to say.

All of today I had been trying to keep my emotions in check; Emily is the only person in the world that mattered. Ben had been an only child and both of his parents had been killed in a car crash not long before Emily had been born. So, Emily really didn't have anyone by way of blood family to support her and I think that was why Ben asked me to make sure that she was ok, and that wasn't the only reason that I intended on keeping my promise that I made to my best friend before he passed away. I had thrown myself into helping Emily do everything that needed to be done in preparation for the funeral. So, I haven't had a chance to grieve yet.

Regardless; I miss my best friend.

I desperately wish that I could just pick up the phone and hear his voice telling me that he was ok with everything that I was doing to help his daughter through all of this. Ben had lived for Emily – they had a closeness that no one could tear apart, he had been so proud of her when she had put together her business plan and what she wanted to accomplish, which was why he had helped her out. As a shrewd business man, he had seen the revenue possibility of her idea.

When I had approached her at the graveside; she had almost finished playing the song that she had picked as her own, private goodbye to her dad. The sound of her crying had seemed to drown out the everyday sounds that was going on around us.

Standing at her side, I listened to her talk, I didn't want to invade her personal space; as it was something that she had made clear that she didn't want at this time, and I had told her if she ever needed a hug just to ask, so for now, I just stood and listened to her talking. I knew that today had been tough for her – she had hated people seeing her upset; it was something that Ben had been the exact same way about. In a way, she was like the female version of my best friend and for some odd reason, I took a little bit of comfort from that.

The graveyard had come to what appeared to be a standstill. It was hard to explain; but it was as if, everyone had left, that there was no one around and it was eerily quiet when we stopped talking. As we sat at opposite sides of the open grave, we talked about Ben and how he had handled his diagnosis. I figured that it was safe to tell her now that Ben hadn't wanted to tell her because he didn't want her carrying the weight of it all, but he had finally seen sense when I had talked to him about it and why he had to tell her.

"He really was one of the most stubborn men in the world, wasn't he?" she sniffed and reached for her tissue to wipe away the tears that seemed to just be free-falling now, and she wasn't even trying to hide them.

Was that a good thing? Did that mean that she felt comfortable enough with me now?

"Oh, trust me, you have no idea," I smiled thinking about my friend.

Growing up, he had been one of the most stubborn people I had ever known, if there was something that he wanted, he fought hard until he got it, he refused to give into people who told him that he couldn't do something and I guess that was why; he had been drawn to being a lawyer – it meant that he could make things happen and he got to stand in a court room and argue for a living; it suited him more than I had ever seen someone's career suit them before.

"Do you remember when my teacher had it in for me, and gave me a really low mark in my English assignment and dad marched right on down to the teacher's class room and refused to leave until he gave me the mark that I deserved?" she smiled.

"I do remember that and I also remember that he went to the headmaster's office and demanded that something be done about that teachers' attitude towards some of his pupils,"

"He did that?"

"He really did that honey, he would have walked into the gates of hell for you, all you would have had to do was ask,"

"He never told me about that,"

"No because he didn't want you to know, because he didn't want you to be mad at him,"

"I'd never have..."

"Come on kid, you were as stubborn as he was and when you stick your feet in, you are.... were his equal," I explained remembering him calling me after the altercation with the headmaster at Emily and my girl's high school, he had been absolutely livid as Emily's Lit teacher had admitted that he didn't like Emily, something that most teacher's would never admit about a student, but as I said – Ben was an expert at what he did, and he was amazing at getting the truth out of people.

My friend had made sure that he was always present at parent/teacher nights from that moment on, and he ensured that he made that teacher as uncomfortable as possible, and there had never been another unjust matter from that first meeting until Emily left school. Ben would have done absolutely anything for Emily, and I knew that she knew that.

"And like any other teenager, you would have been livid if you had thought that he was embarrassing you in front of your teachers," I pointed out the truth.

"Ok," she sighed staring down at the coffin that was still in view because we hadn't moved away, "you have a point!"

"Well that's the first time I think, that I have ever heard you give in, so easily," I tried to lighten the mood, because it was beginning to get dark and I knew that the grave-workers would be wanting to get out of here.

However, do not get me wrong; if she wanted to stay here all night – that is what we were going to do because that was what she needed. Saying goodbye to a parent is never an easy thing to face and I wished that there was a way that I could fast track the grieving process for her.

Reaching into the pocket of my suit, I pulled out a pack of smokes and offered her one which she happily accepted and lit up with a very deep and satisfied looking drag.

"Jeff?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we leave now?" she asked me bringing her eyes up to meet mine and I could see the lost feeling shining despite the darkness that was enveloping us.

"Of course, whenever you are ready," I told her, as we both got to our feet and she began to shiver; pulling my suit jacket from my body, I draped it over her shoulders and began the walk back to where I had parked my car.

Today hadn't ended in the way that I had thought that it would, if I am completely honest.

I think that we had both needed to do this today though – it was our very own private goodbye to the most honest, passionate, strong, smart and caring man that I had ever known. The world got a little colder when he passed and now, it was like I was ready to accept that he was actually gone and wasn't going to be coming back.

Authors Note; Lyrics courtesy of Lisa Marie Presley.