So Many Issues

TW: Panic attack and use of Slurs

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"I don't think I'll ever see his face again, Dazai fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

"Do you want to?" He and Dazai were sitting on the floor of his bedroom, two cups of hot chocolate between them. His Dad had stormed off after they fought, leaving Dazai with the words, 'You're on your own now.' Chuuya wanted to punch him.

Dazai shrugged, "I mean, he's my Dad, I should want to see him."

"You don't have to," Chuuya sipped at his hot chocolate.

"I kind of do," Dazai twisted his shirt around his fingertips, "He's the only connection to my Mom I have left."

"Not a great connection..." Chuuya whispered quietly.

Dazai sighed, "Yeah, maybe it's for the best. For Atsushi, at least."

"How are you going to cope?" Chuuya asked, "With him no longer around."

Dazai laughed low in his throat, "It wasn't like he was my Saving Grace, I spent most of my life without him, I can do it for a while more."

"What about money? And school? How are you going to go to collage while taking care of Atsushi?"

"Look at me, Chuuya," He gestured to himself and the room around him, "Do you really think I have any hope of going to collage?"

Chuuya tapped the ceramic of his cup, "Still... I just don't want you... selling again."

Dazai shook his head, "I promised you I wouldn't. I'm past that. I'm going to get a real job."

Chuuya nodded, "Me too. I'm going to help out in any way I can."

"You don't have to do that."

Chuuya sighed, "Yes, Dazai, I do. It's what you do for the people you love."

The corner of Dazai's mouth quirked up in a smile, he hid it behind his cup as he took a sip of hot chocolate, "I hate this depressing talk. Tell me about you getting adopted."

"Oh," Chuuya put down his cup and smiled, "They were going to wait for my 18th birthday to tell me, but Margaret thought the time was right so... I guess I'm their son now."

"Just like that?" Dazai asked.

"Well there is a shit tonne of paperwork to do, but I'm the closest to being their son than I ever have been so I guess yeah," Chuuya shrugged, biting on his lower lip.

Dazai pushed himself closer to Chuuya their knees touching, "Just so you know," Dazai whispered, cupping his boyfriend's face, "You can be conflicted about this, it's not easy getting adopted, erasing your old life for something new."

Chuuya pressed his face to Dazai's palm, "I know. But that's just it, I don't feel conflicted," Chuuya sighed, "I don't know, I guess I should almost feel... guilty, for moving on so easily, I feel like I owe my own Mom some kind of remorse."

"You don't," Dazai gave his boyfriend's hand a comforting squeeze, "She may be your Mom but she put you through hell, and now you have Margaret and Louisa who have shown you a whole new world of love. You don't owe anyone anything, but you do owe yourself happiness."

Chuuya smiled slightly, "Thanks Dazai."

"Come here," Dazai opened up his arms and Chuuya pulled himself into his boyfriends lap, wrapping his legs around Dazai's waist and his arms around his neck, "Things should start being easier now, but I can't promise you this won't be hard at times."

Chuuya pressed his face into Dazai's neck, drawing in the familiar smell of his boyfriend, "That's okay, as long as I'm with you everything will be fine."

"What about school," Dazai rubbed slow circles on the redhead's back, "You're not safe there after what happened."

"But you'll be there, you can walk me to classes and stay by my side," Chuuya pulled away slightly to look Dazai in the eye, "After RIVALS everyone pretty much knows the truth that we're together."

"They think I'm paying you to sleep with me," Dazai shook his head, "They don't know that we're actually together."

"Then we'll tell them the truth."

Dazai chewed on his bottom lip, "I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to be out yet."

Chuuya's eyes narrowed slightly, "You seemed pretty sure when you introduced me to your Dad as your boyfriend."

"That was one person, we're talking about telling the entire school, I have a reputation there, I have-"

"Yeah, a reputation of selling drugs," Chuuya crossed his arms over his chest.

Dazai's expression softened, "You know that's not what I meant."

"No of course, you just don't want to be in the same boat as me, the sad lonely gay kid who has no friends."

Dazai's eye's widened in shock and hurt, "Chuuya-"

"I get it, you'd rather be known for killing that Freshman boy than being my boyfriend. I wouldn't want to be be associated with me either-"

"Chuuya!" Dazai shouted, grabbing the redhead's face in his palms, "Don't say that. You know how I feel about you."

"I just thought you were sure you wanted to be with me," Chuuya's eyes searched Dazai's for some kind of hatred, but he only found a hurt pride and so much endearing love.

"I do. Fuck, Chuuya, I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. I love you, okay?" Dazai's eye's refused to break contact with Chuuya's, "But we are talking about me coming out to the entire school, that's a big step for me. I need to be sure."

"But," Chuuya intertwined their hands and pulled them away from his face, "If we're seen together at school people will just assume I'm some whore getting paid for sex."

"And I will kill anyone that thinks that," Dazai kissed his boyfriends forehead.

Chuuya smiled, "Not actually right?"

Dazai shrugged, "I'll consider it?"

"Dazai!" Chuuya laughed.

"Okay, okay," Dazai pulled Chuuya into a hug, "No homicide. But if Mori goes after you again I'm going to put him in his place."

"Dazai..." Chuuya looked at him sternly.

"How's your injury, by the way?" Dazai changed the subject.

Chuuya shrugged, "It's fine."

"Is that the truth?" Dazai narrowed his eyes.

"Maybe," Chuuya rolled his eyes, "My forehead is fine." Chuuya touched his fingertips to the bandage above his eyebrow.

"You know that's not what I'm worried about."

"I know," Chuuya clasped his hands in his lap, "But if it was truly something bad I would have gotten it checked out by now."

"Would you?" Dazai raised his eyebrows, "You have a tendency to try and fix things yourself."

"Dazai," Chuuya insisted, "I'm fine."

"Okay," Dazai kissed Chuuya softly, "It's just my job to worry about you."

Chuuya laughed and kissed him again. He had this happy feeling in his stomach. He had a boyfriend. He was being adopted. Things were finally going to feel right.

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It was decided, Dazai would be coming back to school. He had denied the idea at first because he wanted to be around Atsushi as much as possible, but Chuuya had convinced him that his brother would be safe at school. So long as Dazai dropped him off and picked him up at the gates, Atsushi would be safe, the school knew about his situation and assured him they wouldn't let the kid out of their sights. It took some convincing, but the next day Dazai walked into school side by side with Chuuya.

"Everyone's staring at us," Chuuya whispered to him.

"It's okay, they're not, you're just anxious," But Dazai stepped closer to Chuuya and squeezed his hand.

A couple months ago, Chuuya would rejoice that the idea of having very few classes with Dazai, but now he felt an ache in his chest whenever they parted ways. They had an agreement, Dazai would walk Chuuya to and from classes, and Chuuya couldn't figure out if this was because Dazai was worried aout Mori, or if it was because Dazai couldn't stand to be apart from Chuuya for long. He assumed it was a bit of both.

"Where do you usually eat lunch?" Chuuya asked as they walked the hallways.

Dazai shrugged, "If I'm hungry I'll buy something from the cafeteria, if not I'll just play basketball."

"I usually sit outside but it's to cold for that," Chuuya shivered, it was cold outside today, and it almost felt just cold inside the dank hallways of the school.

Dazai sighed, "Somehow it's nice to be back in this shit hole."

Chuuya laughed.

"You know," Dazai leaned in close to Chuuya and whispered, "We could always make out in the F-block toilets, for old times sakes."

"Dazai!" Chuuya shoved a laughing Dazai aside.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Dazai smirked, "Unless..."

"Let's keep school PDA to a minimum for now," Chuuya smiled, "But I'm free tonight if you and Atsushi wanna come over for dinner. I'm sure Margaret can keep Atsushi entertained with her Lego set collection for a little while."

Dazai grinned, "It's a date."

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Mori. The name brought a sickness to Dazai's stomach. He'd never wanted to kill a man more than in this moment, because as Mori walked down the halls towards the two with a villainous smirk, Dazai could feel his hands itching to stab a pencil in his eye.

"I fucking new it was true," Mori sneered, Dazai tried to guide Chuuya around him but Mori and his gang stepped infront of them so they couldn't pass, "Ya'll are fucking, aren't you?"

"Piss off, Mori," Dazai didn't realise how tight he was squeezing Chuuya's hand until he felt the boy flinch.

"So which one of you takes it up the ass huh?" Mori laughed, "Or do you take turns?"

"Mori, seriously just fuck off," Dazai could feel a bubble of rage building in his stomach.

"I asked you a question, Fag," Mori turned to Chuuya, "So is he paying you, or are you just a whore for free?"

"Coming from the guy who wants to fuck half the girls in the school," Dazai sneered

"At least I get enough pussy that I didn't have to turn to some Faggot," Mori leaned in close to Dazai, "Can't say the same for yourself 'ey Druggie?"

"Mori I swear to god I'll-"

"What? Put me on RIVALS? Beat me up?" Mori smirked, "Seduce me?"

Dazai scoffed, "I'd rather kill myself than sleep with you."

"Yeah I bet you've tried that," Mori gestured to the bandages around Dazai's arms.

"Fuck off Mori," It was Chuuya this time, he seemed small in the presence of everyone else, but his voice was just as loud.

"He talks," Mori laughed, "I'm assuming you're the one who likes getting fucked up the ass."

"Better than being a stuck up cunt," Dazai stepped infront of Chuuya.

"You're lucky you're here or I'd beat the little Fag up," Mori pointed a finger at Chuuya.

"I'll fucking kill you Mori," Dazai treatened.

Mori laughed, "I'd like to see you try, it was so fucking easy to pin that kid to the ground, fucker barely even fought back, he probably enjoyed it."

"I swear when I-" But Dazai stopped, there was a small tug at his sleeve. He glanced behind him, Chuuya had his head lowered, his red hair falling in front of his face. Dazai squeezed Chuuya's hand, a question hidden behind a simple gesture. Are you okay?

Chuuya shook his head, blinking through tears that threatened to drip down his face. 'Don't cry' Chuuya silently begged, "God, for once in your life don't cry.'

Dazai gripped Chuuya's hand, as if he might slip away through his fingertips. Ignoring a retort from Mori, Dazai pushed past him, shoving Mori to the side just enough to piss him off as he dragged Chuuya down the hall. Mori shouted after him, something Dazai couldn't hear, he was too focused on Chuuya.

'Fucking Mori,' Dazai's head was spinning with a million ways he could cave inthat assholes face, 'When I get my hands on him I'm gonna rip-"

"Dazai stop." Chuuya tugged his hand free from Dazai's grasp, letting them fall to his side. He gripped the hem of his shirt, "Just stop."

"Chuuya.." But as he placed his hands on his boyfriends shoulder he could feel his heartbeat rapidly pulsing through the boy's body. He was shaking. His breath heavy.

Dazai didn't think twice before pulling Chuuya into the empty classroom at their side, thanking the God he didn't believe in that the class room was unlocked. He pulled Chuuya into a hug, holding onto him as if he were breaking to pieces.

Chuuya couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, he felt like the room around him was spinning in circles and he was stuck in the center of the spiral. Ever twisting downwards. His eyes spotted with black as his chest heaved and fell, feeling as if he may collapse-

"Shh" Dazai ran a hand through his hair, "You're safe. I'm here."

Chuuya squeezed his eyes shut gasping through breathlessness. He had only just noticed how much he was shaking, he pulled his hands to his chest and held them their, feeling his heartbeat race beneath his skin.

"I need to-" Chuuya stopped, he felt like he was dying. But Dazai got the picture, helping him lean against the wall just as Chuuya's knees buckled and slowly he slipped to the floor.

"Here," Dazai took Chuuya's hand as they sat across from each other, "Press your thumb here." He guided Chuuya's hand to the place above his eyebrows, and watched as he squeezed his eye's shut, "Count for me."

Chuuya started counted quietly under his breath, by the time he had gotten to 35 he felt his heartrate slow. He kept counting until he got to 50, then 60, the whole time Dazai was watching his face carefully, drawing small circles on the back of his boyfriends hand with his thumb.

"I'm sorry," Dazai whispered when Chuuya seemed calm, "I should have just let it go and gotten you out of their, it must have been hard for you."

Chuuya looked down at his hand, "I don't know why- or how- I just stopped thinking."

"You had a panic attack," Dazai squeezed his hand, "I get them sometimes."

"I used to get them too," Chuuya shook his head, "I thought I left that part of me behind. It's been so long..."

"You went through something traumatic and had to face it head on today," Dazai cupped his boyfriends cheek, "And I was an asshole for making you face that head on."

Dazai barely used any strength to pull Chuuya into his lap, the boy was limp, as if exhaustion had left him completely riddled of strength.

'I will be better for you. I will make everything right. I'm sorry.' Dazai thought as he held his boyfriend in his arms.

The two sat like that in the quietness of the empty classroom for a while, until the bell went, breaking that peaceful silence they had fallen into.

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Margaret eyed Dazai up and down like a marksman eyeing their target. Dazai had thought of everything, his posture was decent, his hair was brushed to perfection, he had even dressed up for the occasion in a button down shirt he found in the back of his Dad's closet. He prayed it didn't smell at all like cigarettes.

"Margaret, Louisa," Chuuya addressed his Moms, "This is Dazai."

Margaret's eyes narrowed, "We've met."

"Ignore her," Louisa laughed and stepped in front of her wife, "I'm Louisa, it's a pleasure to have you over, Chuuya has told us all about you."

"Through tears," Margaret muttered under her breath, receiving a piercing look from Louisa.

"Be nice, honey, they are our guests," She smiled proudly, "And Chuuya's first ever boyfriend."

Chuuya laughed, "Way to rub it in, Lou."

"We are very happy for you, darling," She shot a look at her wife, "Both, of us."

Margaret sulked, she was always like that, protective. She was not as trusting as Louisa, and it showed when Dazai appeared at her doorway for dinner.

"I'm Atsushi!" The kid ducked out from behind Dazai's legs, feeling left out of the conversation.

"Hey Kiddo," Margaret ducked down to Atsushi's height, a warm smile on her face, "I heard you like lego."

Atsushi's eye's brightened, "I do!"

"I have a great collection if you wanna go have a play?" Margaret stretched out her hand for the boy, and Atsushi took it, chatting away to Margaret as they walked down the hallway, Margaret threw a wink over her shoulder at the rest of them.

Louisa laughed, "That should keep them entertained for a while," She turned to Dazai, "It really is nice to properly meet you. And don't fret about Margaret, she has a tendency to judge. She only wants the best for Chuuya, but she trusts Chuuya, so she'll come to trust you."

"It's no worries Mrs May Alcott," Dazai smiled, holding Chuuya's hand, "I've made some mistakes in the past but I can assure you I love Chuuya more than anything."

"That's good to hear," Louisa grinned, "And please call me Louisa, it makes me still feel young."

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Dazai fell backwards onto Chuuya's bed, sighing, "It's been a while since I've been in here, remember when we-"

"Ew, don't say it," Chuuya interrupted.

"I was going say remember when we worked on the project, get your head out of the gutter," Dazai sat up, grinning.

Chuuya laughed and sat down beside him, "Yeah, like there was a lot of working going on here."

Dazai looked around Chuuya's room, it all looked the same since he had been here last, except for the framed photo of Chuuya and his Mom Dazai had noticed the first time he came here. That was long gone.

"I'm sorry," Dazai said for the hundredth time today.

"What are you sorry for now?" Chuuya leaned against his boyfriend.

"The first time we did... you know," Dazai flushed, "I should have been better, you deserved someone more skilled and romantic."

CHuuya shrugged, "I didn't mind all that much. Sure it was an insane way to lose my virginity but I enjoyed it."

Dazai stopped short, "You were a virgin!?"

Chuuya blinked, "I thought you knew."

"No I didn't!" Dazai laughed awkwardly, "You seemed so sure of yourself and experienced, I thought you had at least done it once before."

Chuuya laughed, "Nope. You, Dazai Osamu, were my first time."

Dazai groaned and covered his face with his hands, "If I had've known I would have been more loving and gentle. I'm so sorry."

Chuuya patted his boyfriend on the shoulder, "It was my choice to lose it that night, and I don't regret it. Besides, you made it up to me a hundred times over."

Dazai hid his face, "Stop talking about sex, I'm getting embarressed."

Chuuya laughed at his boyfriend's cuteness, "Okay, okay, I'm done."

"Thank you," Dazai uncovered his face, smiling, "Enough talking.

Chuuya had barely any time to reply before Dazai kissed him. Dazai wrapped his arms around Chuuya's waist and tugged him closer, giving Chuuya the chance to pull away and breathe.

"I hope you weren't planning on doing anything while my Moms and Atsushi are in the house."

"Nope," Dazai shrugged, "But this no school makeouts rule you put in place is driving me insane."

"Me too," And Chuuya kissed him, tucking his hair behind his ear and swinging himself sideways so his legs rested on his boyfriend.

Dazai was the first to part his lips, cupping Chuuya's cheek and deepeneing the kiss. And just as he had started to lower Chuuya into the mattress beneath them, they heard a yell from down the hallway.

"Boys! Dinner!" It was Louisa, calling out from the kitchen.

Dazai sighed, "Do you think Louisa would be upset if we skipped dinner?"

"She would be heartbroken," Chuuya laughed.

"Alright," Dazai sat up, "I'm hungry anyway."

Chuuya stood, fixing his hair, "You go on ahead, I just need to use the bathroom."

"Don't leave me alone with Margaret for too long," Dazai pressed his hands together as if in prayer, "I'm worried she'll gut me."

"She might," Chuuya followed his boyfriend out of the hallway and stopped at the bathroom door, "Just don't mention all the working we've been doing on the project."

Chuuya heard Dazai laugh as he closed the door behind him, he locked it, and turned to face the mirror, sighing as he saw how much Dazai had managed to mess up his hair with one kiss. As he reached up to fix it he felt a stabbing pain ripple through his chest. He winced, dropping his hands to his sides.

It had been like that ever since his brawl with Mori, every time he moved his chest ached, it gnawed at him as he tried to work, or wake up, brush his teeth or even eat. It had gotten hard to breathe, as if all the air in his lungs had been squeezed out and left him suffocating.

Chuuya hesitated as he pulled off his shirt, not even being surprised at the deep purple bruise that covered his abdomen. He tentatively pressed a hand to where he thought his heart might be, a flash of white hot pain shot through every nerve of his body. He gasped, feeling his stomach turn, a wave of sickness clawing at his throat.

He doubled over the toilet just in time.

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A/N:

I feel like I apologise all the time for slow updates, but I recently started work and there has been a lot of drama in my life recently. I really hope to get back on track with this story soon especially since I'm so close to the end.

Also thanks for 66K reads this is absolutely insane, I appreciate it so much.