Daddy Issues

 Chuuya's heart felt like it would burst out of his chest. He was lying in bed, staring up at the light filtering through the white adoption papers he held gently in his hands.

He bit down on the inside of his cheek, he had yet to decide if he wanted to cry or run excited circles around his room. But he knew one thing, he wanted to tell Dazai.

He was going to be adopted. He would finally be someone else's son.

Chuuya smiled, he had never expected Margaret and Louisa to adopt him since he was almost 18. But he figured even adults need parents.

Two moms. He'd never had a Dad before, he'd never even needed one. All he needed was Margaret and Louisa.

He hadn't heard from his Mom in months, he had barely any remaining love for her. He hoped he would never hear from her again.

He felt no remorse as he signed his name at the bottom of the page.

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Dazai wanted to sleep until he was 40.

The only issue was that Atsushi refused to sleep. No matter how much Dazai complained and how much exhaustion in his limbs pulled him to his bed, Atsushi was off the walls with energy. Dazai was unsure about the psychology of it, but he was certain something about being home after a traumatic experience made the kid manic.

Dazai slumped against his bed, sighing as Atsushi chatted his ear off about how much he loves tea on rice.

"Atsushi," Dazai complained, "Can't you sleep? I was up all night."

Atsushi shrugged, "You can sleep. I can take care of myself"

"You know I can't do that," Dazai hugged his brother.

Atsushi groaned "I can't sleep."

"You can," Dazai cupped his brother's face, "Just lay down and close your eyes."

"I'm scared," Atsushi whispered, and suddenly Dazai was reminded of the kid that Atsushi was, small, innocent, and bright.

"You'll be fine," Dazai soothed his brother's hair, "I'll be with you the whole time." He's just a kid, if I have to treat him like one then so be it.

Atsushi gripped Dazai's hands tightly, his small fingers twining around his index fingers, "Is Chuuya coming over?"

Dazai shook his head, "He got in trouble. He's gotta stay at home for now."

Atsushi pouted, "I miss him."

"Yeah," Dazai smiled, "I do, Kiddo. Now," Dazai tried to be stern but kind, "Sleep. Or die trying to resist."

Atsushi laughed and layed down beside Dazai, "Okay. I'll sleep."

As Atsushi's eyes blinked shut, and an overwhelming tiredness consumed his face, Dazai was thankful for his brother's safe return. And moreover, thankful for Chuuya. He'd never felt comfort like that boy had given him.

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Dazai was awoken by the low trill of his phone ringing at his bedside table. He glanced at Atsushi beside him peacefully sleeping, if he was lucky he'd sleep until dinner. Dazai swiped the phone from the table and carefully stepped out of the room. The call was from Chuuya, it was early afternoon.

"Hey," Dazai whispered as he answered the call, stepping into the kitchen.

"Hey, Did I wake you?" Chuuya asked, his voice unusually bright.

"Yeah," Dazai leaned against the counter, "But I don't mind. What's up?"

He couldn't see it but he could tell Chuuya was smiling, "I'm outside right now. Nice Pjs."

Dazai spun around to look out the kitchen window where the boy was standing on his front lawn, his face flushed pink in the cold. He was grinning ear to ear.

Dazai was outside faster than Chuuya could greet him, sweeping the young boy into a searing kiss. Chuuya's lips were cold, but Dazai's hands winding to his neck warmed the skin of his face.

When the two pulled away Chuuya was gasping for air, "Jesus, it's only been a couple hours."

"But I missed you so much," Dazai made a noise low in his throat and pulled Chuuya closer, kissing him harder, their bodies slotting together like puzzle pieces.

It took everything Chuuya had to push Dazai away, "We're outside- the neighbors..."

"I don't care what they think," Dazai's hand gripping the nape of his neck pulled his face close enough for their lips to graze, "Just kiss me."

Chuuya gave in, winding his hands up Dazai's chest, twisting the fabric of his singlet between his fingertips. He kissed Dazai, suddenly lost in Dazai's rhythm. He had almost completely forgotten the reason he was here. Dazai's hands on his neck and face and waist, pulling him close and searing his skin was enough to distract him from the piercing cold outside.

He pulled away when he felt Dazai shiver beneath his touch, "Are you cold?"

Dazai laughed quietly, "Yeah, might be time to head inside." He held Chuuya's waist, giving him a look that said trust me. And Chuuya did, as he jumped into Dazai's arms, his legs wrapping around his boyfriend's waist and his arms around his neck.

Dazai held him tightly, "You're so light," He teased, "You practically weigh nothing to me."

Chuuya rolled his eyes at Dazai's smirk as he carried him up to the house, "Hey!" He half shouted in a laugh as he felt Dazai's hands grope his ass.

"Hm?" Dazai hummed innocently as he placed his boyfriend to his feet inside the hallway, "Can I take your coat?"

Chuuya smiled, "Trying to undress me?"

"Yes. Is that an issue?" Dazai smirked as he slipped his hands under Chuuya's coat and pulled it off his shoulders.

Chuuya's eyes couldn't stop from grazing over Dazai's red plaid pajama pants and white singlet, the muscles in his back moving as he lifted the coat to hang it. With a start, Chuuya realized he had abandoned his bandages, his bare skin was honey coloured and dotted with scars like stars across his arms. Chuuya reached out before he could stop himself, and ran his hand up Dazai's arm, feeling the rough surface of scars, Chuuya wished he could read it like braille, hear his boyfriend's story through the marks and lines he wore.

Dazai glanced back at Chuuya, surprised at the cold hands tracing the muscles of his forearm, "How long since you..." Chuuya trailed off.

Dazai shook his head, "Not since the day you threw that can at my head."

Chuuya winced, remembering the day they had first spoken, or at least first spoken in a while, "That day, you were wearing a singlet. Just like now."

"You like it?" Dazai turned around, tentatively placing his hands tentatively on his boyfriend's waist.

Chuuya nodded, "You look good."

"Just good?" Dazai raised his eyebrows, a smirk appearing on his face, "Because your face is red."

Chuuya tentatively touched his cheek, "It's just cold."

"Yeah, sure," Dazai's hands cupped Chuuya's neck, and he kissed him softly, Chuuya parting his lips and sighing. A thought danced around his mind.

"OH!" Chuuya shoved a stunned Dazai back.

"What?" Dazai searched his boyfriend's face in alarm, "Did I bite you?"

Chuuya shook his head, "No. No, I completely forgot to tell you."

"Tell me what?" Dazai lightly grasped Chuuya's shoulders, matching the excited tone in Chuuya's voice.

"I'm being adopted!"

Dazai's eye's lit up, "Holy shit, are you serious?" He cupped Chuuya's face, "Margaret and Louisa decided to-" Chuuya nodded vigorously, smiling, "And you're gonna be- Fucking hell, Chuuya this is amazing." He kissed his boyfriend on the lips quickly, softly, as if telling him he loved him without saying the words, "You happy?"

Chuuya grinned, nodding, "Yeah I am. I'm so happy."

Dazai kissed him again, "Fuck. I love you." Dazai muttered between kisses, his thumb prying Chuuya's chin to part his lips, tangling their tongues and deepening the kiss. The hot and heavy feeling of the elated kiss fogged his brain. He barely even noticed as he whispered against Dazai's lips.

"Can we go into your room?"

Dazai shook his head slightly, "Atsushi's sleeping."

Chuuya sighed as Dazai kissed his neck, "The couch?"

Dazai smiled into the nape of his boyfriend's neck, "You wanna fuck on the couch?"

"No I didn't-" Chuuya's face burned red, "I didn't mean it like that."

Dazai's hands slid up the back of Chuuya's shirt, exploring the dips and curves of his spine and shoulder blades, "I did."

Chuuya gasped as Dazai's hands on his hips tugged their bodies closer, with a start, Chuuya realized that Dazai's thin pajama pants didn't really hide anything. Chuuya would be damned if he were even wearing boxers at all.

"We surely can't do... that while Atsushi's sleeping," Though Chuuya made no efforts to push his boyfriend away.

"That kid's out like a light, I couldn't wake him if I tried," Dazai's hands felt no shame as they explored Chuuya's body.

"Then where do we go?" Chuuya asked. Dazai paused for a moment before grasping his boyfriend's hand and leading him down the hall, "Wait Dazai where- You're kidding," Chuuya glared at Dazai as they stopped in front of his Dad's bedroom door.

"I'm quite serious," Dazai placed his hand on the door nob but Chuuya stopped him.

"Wait, when I first came over you said that I couldn't go in here," Chuuya insisted, "You said it was a rule."

"I think at this point, Chuuya, we've broken enough rules."

✰✰✰✰✰

Chuuya was not sure what he expected. Beer bottles and ashtray piles as far as the eye could see for sure, but not the walls of framed paintings and pictures hung on every surface.

"He kept every painting she made," Dazai stepped through the door behind him, "He couldn't bring himself to let them go."

Chuuya traced his finger around a silver frame, inside a photograph of a smiling family, it could have been any family, but Chuuya recognized the stout figure of the man he had seen at the police station, and the tufts of brown hair of the baby cradled in a woman's arms, "He kept every photo too," Chuuya whispered, unsure if Dazai had heard him.

"I think he would wish for a time like the past, so he surrounded himself with these memories, hoping that one day he could have it all back," Dazai sounded sad, as if grieving the Dad he could have had.

"Seems like false optimism," Chuuya gazed at a photo of Dazai as a toddler, sitting in the lap of his father as he read a book, "He clung onto the past so much that he missed out on the future," Chuuya turned around to look at Dazai, "He missed out on being the Father he aspired to be."

"If I had just-"

"No, Dazai," Chuuya cupped his boyfriend's cheek, "There is nothing you could have done, nothing you could have said to make him change, not now and definitely not as a kid. As much as you feel as though you are responsible I guarantee you are no more responsible for your father than I am for my mother."

"You always know just what to say," Dazai whispered into his lips, "To make everything else feel small."

Chuuya parted his lips beneath him, breaching the gap between the two, suddenly hungry for the touch Dazai had left him starving for. It had barely been 24 hours since they last did it but fuck, Chuuya felt like he would go insane.

Dazai's hands all over his body felt like needles of heat digging into his skin as if everywhere he touched burned his skin. It only took Dazai a moment to tug his hoodie off his head, beginning to lift Chuuya's shirt beneath it but stopped as they tumbled backwards into the bed. Chuuya could smell the cigarette smoke staining the sheets but he didn't care, all he could taste was Dazai, and he couldn't be happier.

His hands found their way up the back of Dazai's singlet, tracing the muscles of his shoulder blades. Dazai rolled the two over so they lay side by side, Chuuya jumping under his touch as he felt Dazai's hand slip downwards, palming him through his pants.

Chuuya's hand followed suit, not at all surprised to find Dazai was in fact not wearing any boxers. He slipped his hand under the waistband of Dazai's pants, feeling the familiar touch of Dazai in his hand.

Familiar, that is, until the door banged open rather unceremoniously.

"Shit Atsushi when-" Dazai began sitting up, but his eyes went wide, fearful, "Dad?"

Chuuya was quick to sit up, feeling his stomach sink, in the doorway was Dazai's father, looking livid.

"When I said I didn't mind if you experimented," His father pinched the bridge of his nose, "I didn't mean in my fucking bedroom!"

"Dad, I'm sorry I-"

"You're not even fucking allowed in here!"

"Dad," Dazai began again, "This is Chuuya, he's my boyfriend."

His Dad sighed, his face an odd red that reminded Chuuya of a cranberry, he glared at Chuuya with a resigned look that spoke volumes.

Chuuya grimaced and waved, unsure if he should run, hide, or die in a hole.

"What are you doing here Dad?" Dazai asked, his face going from fearful to stern.

His dad raised a pointed finger, "I could ask you the same question."

Dazai gestured to Chuuya, "Isn't it obvious."

Chuuya blatantly decided it was about time to die in a hole.

"For god sake I swear I'll-"

"Dad?" A sleepy-eyed Atsushi stepped into the room, his bare feet on the floor making no noise.

"Atsushi, come here," His Father muttered his face suddenly softening to a sickening tone.

He took a step towards the boy but Chuuya was quick to action, standing in front of Atsushi, and though the man was stout in his posture, Chuuya still came up short.

"Get away from my son, Fag."

Chuuya gasped slightly, but if he had shown any kind of surprise on his face his father didn't seem to notice, "I thought you said you were okay with your son experimenting."

The man's eyes narrowed, "I said experimenting, not being a fucking queer, he needs to know his place, and if fucking around with some guy is the way he's going to do it then so be it. Now get away from my son."

Chuuya stood his ground, "No."

"Chuuya-" Dazai began but stopped before he could say anything, or even react, his Dad's hand had come up and swung down, striking Chuuya across the face with the back of his palm.

Chuuya stumbled back, gasping, the shock rattling him more than the pain. And the man too, as it seems, stumbled back, as Dazai grabbed his Father by the collar of his shirt, tugging him back.

One look at Dazai's face gave Chuuya all the instruction he needed, "Come on Atsushi, let's get out of here." He turned around, grasping the kid lightly by the shoulders.

"But Dazai-"

"Will be fine," Chuuya led the boy out of the room, trying to ignore the sound of a loud crash behind him, "Let's go to your room, hm?"

"But-" Atsushi jumped at another crash from behind them, and he hurried to his room, suddenly afraid of what was happening back in that room.

Chuuya followed him, closing the door and pushing a chair underneath the handle so that no one could open it. And sat on the floor, cross legged. Atsushi sat across from him, he was shivering, or maybe he was shaking. But he was trying to hide it, his jaw tight.

"Hold my hands," Chuuya put out his arms, palms up, and Atsushi held onto them, his small hands trembling.

Another crash. Quieter this time. Followed by the sound of shouting.

"Squeeze as hard as you can," Chuuya told the boy. Atsushi did, it stopped him from shaking, "Good, now squeeze about half that much," Chuuya almost smiled watching the boy put all his focus into squeezing his hands, "Now squeeze each finger, one at a time." It was a little ritual he and his Mom would do whenever things got too loud, too much. "And now trace the lines of my palms while counting." Atsushi's voice was a whisper as he focused on counting.

Another crash.

"Now what?" Atsushi asked, his voice small.

"Fold all your fingers into a fist, then back out again, do that until you think of nothing else," Atsushi breathed, a tremor in his breath, and followed through, pressing his fingers to his palms.

Chuuya stood, pressing his ear to the door, he could hear faint conversations, the two voices strained.

"Three months.... I can't even...... My own Dad" Chuuya pressed his ear closer, but he was only able to hear small bits.

"I never wanted...... you were always complaining...... I gave you money." His Dad's voice.

"Doesn't matter...... I had to sell drugs..... Took care of Atsushi myself...." Dazai's voice was strained with hurt. Chuuya's heart ached for him.

"HE IS MY SON!" His father yelled, "I will be taking him with me since you couldn't keep him safe!"

Chuuya jumped, he could imagine the man's face red and reeling with anger, his fists raised.

"Take care of him?! When have you ever taken care of him!? He had.... Long sleeves to school.... He was only 7.... You beated him..... Beated me....."

There was a loud thump, and Chuuya squeezed his eyes shut. Please be okay, Dazai.

There was silence. Eerie silence. Chuuya could hear his own heartbeat in his ears.

He considered opening the door and going to Dazai, but the sound of the bedroom door opening then closing, and heavy footfall on the hall before the front door is slammed shut.

Chuuya breathed, the pulse in his throat humming loudly, "Stay here." He said to Atsushi who was still sitting on the floor.

Atsushi nodded, his eyes fixed on the floor in front of him. Chuuya creaked the door open, praying to the gods he didn't believe in, that Dazai was okay. His Dad's bedroom door was swung open, and as Chuuya peaked around the corner he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Dazai..." Chuuya whispered, more to himself than the boy standing in the center of the room, his fists clamped at his side, shaking. Dazai looked cut off from the rest of the world, reserved in himself, he was staring at the floor, his eyes grim. He looked a million miles away.

He didn't look at Chuuya as he walked towards him

He didn't look at Chuuya as he stood in front of him.

But he held onto his boyfriend as if it were the last piece of his world that wasn't entirely broken.      

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A/N:

IM SORRY I DIDN'T DIE. Ive just been working a lot recently and havent had time to write. FORGIVE ME.