Let go

Some songs to listen to: Zoe Wees-Control, Niall Horan-So long, Peter Manos-In My Head

I feel my hand sliding down and before it does I snap out of some weird-ass dream. I feel exhausted and the thought of that really happening causes goosebumps all over my body. I stretch out and lie there just for one minute before I open my eyes. I feel so warm and comfortable, I wish to never be parted from comfort like this!

My eyes try adjusting as the light hits them gently. I feel something heavy down at my legs as I try sitting up. What the hell? My eyes open and close immediately, shifting myself back onto the couch.

'O, dear God.' I say quietly to myself so that I don't wake him up. I prop myself up to look at him. His head lies on my legs, ah his hand hugs them, holding me carefully. I don't even remember coming here. I try standing up and not waking him. I quickly pushed the pillow under his head so he wouldn't fall down.

I get down on my knees and look at him for a second. His face is puffy and his hair messy. Just by looking at him, I feel overwhelmed. He makes me feel everything I couldn't even if he doesn't touch me. How is it possible for a human to have such an impact on another? With other people, I know that they don't even realize how bad I am. So it's easy to make myself believe in it also. I just pretend along, forgetting about my feelings. With that act I push everything away, and when it's time to feel something I can't. When I get so scared of something, I shut it all down. The capability of sensitivity, compassion, sadness, it's all gone. People think that I'm like that on purpose but no one sees the inside. I want to break down in front of Jenny and cry into her lap as I tell her everything, I want to come home and tell my mom how I really feel so that I could get it off my chest. But when you are surrounded by people that don't see you, you look pass everything too.

It's been a long time since my mind went to such lengths. I feel anxiety coming through as it gets deeper. I stand up looking around, trying to get out, now! I slide the huge window and step outside. Jesus Christ! An astonishing yard surrounds his house, the grass is perfectly cut and the trees look very artsy. The sky is gray but still, it doesn't fail to amaze me. Everything that involves him can't. I tried to ignore that fact, but I can't. He makes me think, makes me want to feel. It's been so long since I even wanted to. Things were so fucked up I didn't know how to handle it if I thought about it. I remember when Henry said that Chuck was married. In my heart, I always knew that he wasn't the one. With each passing day, we were far more away from each other. He made me feel, well actually that's the thing, he didn't. I knew how I should have felt in each situation, but I couldn't. I thought that that's how it's supposed to be, but with him, it's the opposite. I look back into the house and catch him still sleeping. He is here every single time when I need him, even if I don't know it. It's so strange but he finds his way to me each time.

A loud ringtone coming from my hands scares me.

'I heard you left for your honeymoon in a rush.' The despise I feel for this man could never fail me.

'Tell her whatever the hell you want.' This time there is no going back. 'Tell her what we both did, make sure to leave no details out because once I tell her everything, it's over for both of us.' I know how it feels to lose something, he doesn't.

'You really think I would risk the relationship with my daughter over a little incident that happened?' How does he never fail to piss me off every single time!?

'Stop pretending, God! There won't be any favours, no more lies and no more communication! I'll fulfil my part of the agreement to the end from NY. Once the contract is over, stay the fuck away from me!' His laugh sends shivers of terror over my body, making me scared, thinking about his capability of bad things.

'Okay. It was a pleasure working with you!' What the fuck? I can't keep my mouth shut, he caught me off guard and my face shows it clearly. He never lets go so easily. 12 hours ago he was threatening me with some bullshit and today everything's fine? Oh fuck!

The line goes silent as the sour hint of realization hits me. She knows! She knows everything! How can one person's peace relay on another's horror? I need to call her, to tell her my side of the story. She can't be around Adam if she knows! She must hate him, but as much as she hates him, she feels the same towards me too. My thoughts get cut off as the phone rings once again, I pick it up without even looking at the screen.

'Eleanor, where have you been?' Oh, God! I move the pieces of hair coming down to my face as the wind gets stronger. I don't even know who I expected to call, but she for sure was the last person.

'Sorry, I..' I try thinking of places to tell her, where have I been? I wish I fucking knew what I did in the past 24 hours or why I did those things but here I am! 'I know, I forgot about our appointment.' I sound immature and silly.

'I'm so sorry Elena.' I almost cry as an apology gets out. I'm not sure if I even meant it for her, but right now, there are a lot of apologies that need to be coming from me.

'It's okay. We'll just reschedule okay?' I wish everyone would accept it this lightly.

'Actually, I can't. I'm going back to NY but we could do facetime again.' She is way too smart to not realize that something's going on but I know better than to turn this into a session right now.

'Call me when you settle in.' I can see her moving her glasses up. She does it every time she comes to a realization and right now I know that she's full of them. 'Just remember, the things that matter never go away.' I close my eyes and quickly bring my hand to my moult, stopping it from the sob that evolved from my chest as her words cut through me. I end the call and just breathe. In and out, focusing on those trees that dance around with the wind.

A slow, gentle melody fils my earbuds. All of a sudden, my breathing stabilized and the pressure on my chest starts letting go. My legs move, following the melody that carefully hugs my thoughts, my heart. It warms me, brings me some weird kind of comfort. I slowly slide the doors open to the house. His hair is messed up but in a hot way, his blond highlights melt in perfectly with his light brown colour, it suits him better than I thought. His face seems tight but his hands move smoothly over the piano.

'Sorry.' He just looks up and sighs.

'What happened?' His voice is crispy, deep. God! It suits him soo good!

'No, nothing I just needed some fresh air.' That was true, partly. Without a second thought, I walk to him slowly, moving my hair behind my ears, keeping it away from my face. I don't feel nauseous or excited, I'm fine. That's the thing, my life without him feels like life without air. When I'm near him I feel like I can breathe for the first time, for real. I hold my breath all along the way, through every fucked up thing that happened, and I knew that once I was home I would feel relieved, but I never did.

I cross my leg and sit beside him. His hands are together, placed on his legs. Even if he won't say it I know that he's confused, so am I but at this point, I don't know what to do. I reach for his arm as I bring myself closer to him, placing my head on his shoulder as my arm slowly reaches for his. His skin responds to my touch. I move down his arm, just before I hug his with mine, still leaving his hands free to play. From the moment I laid my head on his shoulder, the warmth from his soft skin makes me go wild, but not in that way.

'Play, please.' A silent voice instructs him to continue. I feel warm, safe and calm. I always thought that people say that out of habit, but once you encounter it, it all makes sense. Some people are gifted with a home where they feel the love of their family but I never had that, everything was always so complicated but he isn't. It's funny how this is the most unusual thing to happen to me but yet, he is the thing that I needed, the simplest thing I could ever ask for.

He plays one of his songs as I close my eyes and let myself enjoy it, leaving every thought behind, letting it happen. I look up at him and can't help but smile at the way his brows narrow when he's coming up with something new, not sure in its quality.

'It's beautiful.' He looks down and smiles to himself, knowing that I said for the song but also meant it for him.

'Do you want to talk about it?' His hands move away from the tiles as his body slowly shifts to the side, now facing me. I can't look at his eyes, they make me say the truth but right now I'm not capable of such a thing.

'Everything will be just fine.' Even if I don't know if this is the truth, I know that it's the only thing to say.

'You can't keep on avoiding your feelings.' I know he's right. In my life, I never shared any of this, I always handled it with myself. Inside of my head as always.

'You don't like talking about yours either.' I push him lightly with my shoulder. It's true. He finds it hard, I do too.

'I do. Just not into words.' I find myself confused as the look on my face showed him the same.

'I put it into songs, melodies... I don't know.' It makes sense actually. No one can write such meaningful things unless you put yourself in it. At least a part of you, hoping to feel better.

'I know, it's just...you will always have music but I just have to keep them in my head, handle them there.' Talking about my feelings with just a regular person was never meant for me. I was never shaped into thinking that someone else could help me, I learned to do everything by myself.

'You don't.' He puts his hand on mine, while his eyes land on mine. 'You just have to let go.' Yeah right. Let go of what exactly?

'Let me show you.' His hand moves to my back, giving me a push as a sign to stand up. He moves back a little, leaving some space for me. His hand is still on my back, guiding me into his lap. I know that I shouldn't but I put my legs between his, slowly shifting my weight on his lap. He leans forward, pressing his chest to my back. I can feel his warm breath near my neck causing a thousand shivers evolving from there, right to my shoulders, through my collarbone, spreading it down my spine, leaving everything sensitive. Sensitive for his next move, next touch, next breath. I find myself out of breath as his hands slide underneath mine, generating my heart a million heart attacks.

'But I don't know how to play.' I tilt my head slightly back to look at him and find him smiling at me. I mean he already knew that but I wasn't quite sure he remembered.

'Put your hands on mine.' He almost whispers as his hands find their way to the tiles. His breath next to my ear makes my shoulders weaker, they feel sensitive. His heart beats against my back, making me feel more alive than ever.

I move my hands on top of his, making sure that each finger sets in the right place. His hands seem so much bigger compared to mine but yet, I manage to follow along. His fingers move slowly. The melody fills the room, leaving goosebumps on my skin, as his breath causes even more tension sending it over my whole body.

'Just let go.' He says and so I did. I close my eyes and lean my head against his. I find calmness in the melodies that he's playing, I find peace in the way his heart beats in the same beat as mine. Most of all, even for a couple of minutes, my chest stopped hurting. Every weight that was ever on my shoulders fell down. All that happened just with one song, one heart and one touch.

My hands stop moving as soon as his did. I want this to last forever, I want to play like this endlessly, leaving everything behind, just focusing on the present, never again on the past.

Our hands are still intertwined, and to be honest, I don't want to let go of this. I move slowly, this time already as close as possible. I find his eyes already searching for mine, waiting on them to give each other the much-needed companionship. He leans his forehead on mine as his hand lets go of mine just to hold me. His hand feels comforting like this, placed on my cheek, stroking me gently with his palm. I try calming down the tension by controlling my breathing but I made the situation worse. The smell of his perfume only sets me wild, it makes me connected, fully.

His grip tightens, moving my head closer to his. His lips barely touch mine, they feel like the first spring breeze in the morning, the one that's not too cold but just warm enough. The one that gets you excited about what's yet to come but the only thing that comes is the doorbell.

I jump up from his lap, almost bringing him to the floor as my hand touched the majority of those tiles, creating the world's worst melody!

'God! I'm so sorry.' I say silently, I don't know if I'm supposed to stay silent! Who the hell is at the doors right now?

'Honey, you came!' What the fuck now? I find myself scared again, not sure if I should hide, run or just die from embarrassment. I catch him looking confused, stressed. I don't even know where is that voice coming from. I don't even know where the entry is! My body stays still, frozen.

Niall rapidly walks to the kitchen as all of a sudden, a small, blond woman enters the room. Her hair is short, but it looks absolutely dashing. Her dark brown pants and a cream-coloured cardigan make her look innocent, absolutely warming.

Niall spreads his arms and she does the same, holding him tightly. I just want to disappear, from this moment, this house, Island!

'It happened in a hurry. I wanted to call you today, break the news.' She smiles at him, pretending to be mad but we can all see that she doesn't mean that. She is filled with such love, kindness that seems unreal to me.

'Alright.' She gives in, letting him win over the begging for an apology, even if there was never something to apologize for.

'But that for,' She looks up, right at me. Making me run the fuck away. What the hell am I supposed to do? 'I'll need an explanation.'

I'm not sure if her voice is judgy, or just mocking but at this point, I might faint without realizing a fucking thing. Her eyes seem so familiar, way too familiar. Oh, nice! Of course, she would be his mother! I hoped for an aunt, or maybe just a neighbour but of course, his mother!

'Mom, this is Eleanor.' He looks at me, but she didn't even have too. Her eyes were on mine this whole time. 'She is the one I talked to you about.' What the actual fuck? There is still an option that last night never happened, that this for a fact, still is a fucking dream! I would like to wake up, like right fucking now!

'God, Eleanor! I wanted to meet you!' Before I could even realize any new movement, her arms hold me tight. Even if I'm not myself right now, her hug calmed it down. How is it even possible? What the fuck would he tell her about me? Oh well, I kept on appearing everywhere he went then we decided to have sex, then all of a sudden I kind of forced One Direction to come back together, then we almost had sex again, yet maybe some more coincidences but oh well, he talked about all that nice stuff I suppose. God, dam it!

'O come on!' I act as if their words don't compliment me but we all share a laugh and somehow it all becomes okay. 'It's a pleasure to meet you.' I actually really mean it. I'm usually not keen on meeting too many new people but she seems nice.

'I want you two at dinner tonight, no excuses.!' Her finger is set right in the air, instructing us both to not even try having any complaints. 'I'm in such a rush but tonight, I'll be all yours!' Her smile makes my heart melt! Her words are so pure and honest. I look at the way Niall look at her with love, care. She waves at me before she rushes out to go after her chores.

'We don't have to go.' He sits on the couch next to me. 'I know that you're not okay.' His words once again hit too deep. Why does he keep on doing this? Proving me wrong, making me think, feel.

'I want you to spend time with your family.' I find myself uncomfortable talking about this, but it's true. 'Your mom seems so kindhearted, you have to spend together each minute that life allows you to.' I find myself swallowing those last few words, trying to be okay.

'And I'm okay. Being around some people might take my mind off some things.' I try assuring him.

'Yeah, okay.' He seems worried. My body shifts slightly as his leaves the couch, this time moving closer to me. 'What happened to your mom?' I find myself scared, again. My heart starts beating like crazy. I feel hot, sharp air coming to my chest as my lungs start to bleed, leaving nothing but pain.

'She's fine.' I feel anger most of all, as the thought of her crosses my mind. 'She was always fine' I find myself looking into the fireplace, completely blindly. 'If only she could see that people around her weren't.' I want to break something! I want to scream, shout, make the pain be at its full power because it never gets worse! I've felt it for so long that it actually suits me, like a possession that could never be good for anyone.

I look at him, silently sitting here, next to me with zero judgement. His presence is telling me to feel everything, to let it go. That he'll be here.

'It's okay. We can talk about something else.' I know that he isn't forcing me, but maybe this is what I needed all along. I need to let go.

'Every time I cried, she looked at me, totally heartless and said that all these tears were my fault.' I can still hear her voice in my head, every time those tears reach my eyes. 'Every pain that my chest feels, is caused by me.' I can see the way her blank face talked to me as mine was falling apart.

'She taught me that there is no one to blame for the pain, but oneself.' I control the tears, as the anger gets more intense.

All of a sudden, she proved me right over again. I've been at my worst but yet, I've done it. I've made that stupid mistake that fucked everything up. There is no turning back, no explanation. It's simple, everything was my fault and it was time for me to come clean.

'Pain is a feeling of interest. We cause it daily. You can try everything! Try to suit everyone but at the end of the day, you will cause someone pain.' His words get to me, playing over and over again through my head like a broken CD.

His hand reaches for mine but after everything that he said, I realized that he could never understand. I stand up quickly before he could touch me. I don't want to be the person to cause him pain.

I walk up to the doors, looking out to the yard. Rain is pouring like crazy, well those gray clouds fulfilled their purpose! My arms are crossed, once again revelling my current state. I feel anxious, I feel nervous. I know that all of this is wrong.

I turn around, slowly, knowing that he is still here. With me.

'Why did you come back?'His arms rest on his legs as his hand moves through this perfect hair of his.

He stands up, his black shirt makes him look dangerous, serious. I haven't even realized that we are both wearing the same clothes as yesterday. I get this feeling in my chest, it isn't pain but still, it's difficult to breathe at first but when he comes near, it all goes away.

His eyes keep on looking into mine, without looking away. He stops two steps away from me. The sound of rain falling so vigorously makes me more sensitive.

'Why did you come to my concert?' What? My arms automatically fall apart as these words leave his moult. Is he playing right now?

'I didn't.' I say unsure in my answer. I narrow my brows as that rushes through my mind for the second time. 'I mean yes! I came but I didn't know where I was going.' I defend myself immediately as my arms gesture him some kind of explanation. What is wrong with me?

'I knew where I was going,' His skin looks soft as his eyes try explaining everything to mine.

'but I didn't know why.' I don't understand a word he is saying but somehow, everything is there. In his eyes, clear and steady. His arm reaches for my cheek. His skin is soft, softer than before. I find myself stepping forward, now being closer. I look up, trying to find the answer in his eyes that was here just a minute ago.

The skin of my cheek, around his hand, starts feeling warm, almost hot. I can feel the tingles spreading to my ear, back down my neck. Making me desperate. 20 minutes ago we were in this same position, way to close but yet far away.

'No matter what I would do, what I would decide. Everything leads me back to this. To you, to us.' From the night I met him, not a day has passed that this man right here wasn't in it in any way and its funny because we didn't plan any of it. It just happened. It's true that you can't plan life, but life will give you everything. Sooner or later, you will be where you are supposed to be. Near a lover, near family, or sitting at a desk, in a library, reading a lifechanging book. Either way, all those things will be lifechanging. Some for the worst, but in the end, everyone will get the best.

'Why did it take so long to get you in my life?' I don't feel like running anymore because each time I did, he still came. There is no more running for me. I'm here.

My words bring his lips into a smile, showing his dimples. I can't help but do the same.

'I'm sure that it had its re-' a loud ringtone starts going off and once again, everything gets disturbed. I look at the couch and my phone is silent. Niall looks down to the table next to us as his screen appears brighter than ever. I look at the number and for some reason, I look at the contact name, regreting it immediately.

I know I said that in the end, life gives us the best but for me, there is a hell of a ride till the end.