27th May 1950

Chapter 15

"I love you" I told her unable to hold it back again, I needed to tell her, I needed her to know, I didn't know what to expect next, I was terrified that she would run away like the day I confessed to her that I had fallen in love with her.

She said nothing and the seconds seemed like years as our eyes remained fixed in each other's, I lowered my gaze already feeling tears burning my eyes, she brushed my chin with her index finger and lifted my face, I felt her thumb touch the line of my lips.

Her eyes much darker than I had ever seen and known them, her gaze so intense that it could move an entire nation.

"I love you too"

I was speechless, a smile full of love and hope spread across my face and I felt happy tears stream down my face, I saw Jade's face reciprocate my own expression and a smile pulled her lips from ear to ear showing me her pearly teeth.

"Say it again" I begged her.

"I love you. I love you, Perrie Louise Edwards" she said still smiling like a child on her birthday, I took her face caressing her rosy cheeks and drew her to me for a long kiss full of unspoken emotions.

"I love you, Jade Amelia Thirlwall" I said brushing her lips and moulding my body to hers relaxing into the warmth her skin on mine gave off.

Jade took me in her arms and walked me to the bed, she settled me under the sheet and lay behind me hugging me and caressing my belly as she left soft kisses on my shoulder, I rested my hands on hers and let the slow sound of her breathing lull me down.

"I love you, Perrie" she repeated and with those words I fell asleep feeling at peace and safe.

A few days later I resumed my study of photography and finished setting up Chris's studio to become my darkroom, I finally made my first test and of course the 12-pack of film was ruined, I got the dosage or timing wrong with the result that the negatives were completely unusable.

I bought new film and went out a lot during my lonely days to take more photographs, I decided not to try to develop the film I had photographed Jade with until I was sure of my abilities and how it worked, because if I lost that photo I would hate myself forever.

After a few weeks of unsuccessful trials, one Tuesday in May I was finally able to develop my first roll of film.

I analysed all the exposure mistakes I had made at the time of the shoot and also the improvements I could have made during development, but I was extremely happy and proud of myself for having finally managed to produce my first photographs.

In my enthusiasm I decided to try to develop two more rolls of film, trying to improve my developing technique, in both cases the result was better and so I was able to understand little by little how I could continue to improve.

On Friday of the same week I was finally ready to show the world, or rather just myself, the photo I took of Jade the night we declared our love for each other.

The satisfaction when I saw that photo for the first time was indescribable and incomparable to any gratification I had felt before. I stared at the photo and admired it probably for hours, losing myself looking at the perfect face of the woman who had stolen my heart.

I lost myself remembering that exact moment, what we had done just before and what happened shortly after.

I thought that there was no better way to preserve that memory forever, I knew that wherever I went I would always have that picture with me, reminding me of where I would always want to come back to.

Using the exact same process, I managed to develop the same photo a second time, I wanted Jade to have that photo too, she told me that the last photo she had taken of her was when she was twelve years old on her birthday with her parents, I wished that as I had something of her, she also had a part of me.

I spent the rest of the afternoon checking the negatives and developing the photos that seemed best to me and I didn't realise the time until I heard the bell.

I woke up from the trance I had been in for the last few hours and ran down the stairs to the front door, when I opened it two slender arms encircled my legs and I smiled as I saw my little princess smiling with bright eyes, I took her in my arms and spun her around letting her sweet giggle lull me.

I looked in front of me to find Jade intent on admiring the scene in front of her and I rushed to hug her, "Mums! You're smashing me!" Jasmine said trying to wriggle out but getting caught between us.

Jade burst out laughing and I followed shortly after, "Mom! What are we eating? I'm hungry!" she said dramatically pretending to be hurt and Jade and I couldn't hold back another laugh.

"You're right, princess, mom will make you something right away" I told her quietly before I noticed Jade's both amazed and ecstatic expression and realised what I had just said. I saw Jasmine grinning from ear to ear and wondered if it was because of the promise of food or the fact that I called myself her mother.

Jasmine looked at me with glowing eyes and came up raising her arms, I took her in my arms and she snuggled up to me with her face in the hollow of my neck, "Thank you, Mummy," she said with emotion wrapping her hands around my neck and squeezing me as if she never wanted to let go and I realised that that action held so much more than she could ever tell me in words.

I felt two soft arms around my waist and her chin on my shoulder, I closed my eyes and memorised how their bodies felt clasped to mine. Just then I felt a movement in my belly and smiled, feeling Jade do the same.

"Someone wanted to be felt" she said softly.

"I guess it was waiting for the right moment" I said seriously, "I don't think there was a better time" I added closing my eyes and relaxing completely in the knowledge that in that moment I had exactly everything I had ever wanted and everything I would ever need.

"I love you, all of you" Jade said from over my shoulder, caressing my belly.

"Did you hear that peanut?" I asked softly, "Mummy loves you already" I smiled and felt Jade do the same.

"Absolutely she does. We can't wait for you to come into the world, peanut" she said making me smile even more.

"Why are you talking to a peanut?" suddenly Jasmine asked with curiosity and amazement and Jade and I burst into another laugh at her innocence.

"How about we have dinner first and then explain?" Jade asked to our eldest daughter. She nodded and broke away from the embrace, I accompanied her to the couch and went to the kitchen, not even time to turn around and I felt Jade's arms wrap around me in a warm embrace, like the other nights, despite being tired and sleepy, she helped me prepare and we talked about everything and nothing.

After dinner we talked to Jasmine, explaining to her that after a little less than four months another baby would be arriving in our family, she listened and asked many questions, eventually she said that it would definitely be a girl and that she would be her big sister and always take care of her, Jade and I listened rapt as Jasmine rambled on about everything she would do with her sister.

She said that one day she would read Gulliver's stories to her to put her to sleep, take her to the countryside and play with her, they would travel the world and have many adventures and protect each other and love each other forever.

The more she spoke, the more I felt the excitement grow in me as I could really imagine her every word coming true and becoming a reality, all the while Jade kept her hands on my belly caressing it and I felt the baby kicking as I imagined it couldn't wait to come into the world and experience everything her sister was promising.

Jasmine insisted that Jade and I read her favourite book and so we did, I limited myself to the parts as narrator while she played all the dialogue imitating the characters voices, after only two chapters Jasmine collapsed asleep and we carried her to bed.

"Jadey" I called her attention in a childish voice and she smiled at my foolishness, "I want to show you something" I said taking her hand and leading her into the camera obscura.

"Wow! It looks good here!" she exclaimed enthusiastically and I thanked her, "What do you want to show me?" she asked glancing around, bouncing from foot to foot and analysing every object in the room as if to discover its deeper meaning.

"My world" I said smiling and handed her the photograph, Jade took it with trembling hands and stood still looking at it fascinated, with her fingers she traced the edges and her face, and a smile full of joy pulled at her cheek.

"It's me" she whispered incredulously.

"It's yours" I said kissing her slowly, "But I have a copy for myself so you'll always be with me" I said smiling and saw her do the same.

She continued to stare at the picture charmed and then flung herself into my arms holding me to her, "What have I done to deserve you?" she asked and I held her tightly to me.

"I could ask you the same thing" I confessed, running my hands through her hair and scratching her scalp.

She relaxed into the embrace and shortly afterwards yawned audibly, I smiled at her gesture and took her to our room, got her changed and then tucked her into bed, then went to the other side of the bed and turned on one side extending my arm to embrace both her and Jasmine who was already sleeping between us.

I saw Jade fall asleep with an expression of pure bliss and peace on her face and soon after, I too succumbed to tiredness lulled by the feeling that I was in the right place and had everything I needed.

27th May 1950

The next morning Jade had the day off and we decided to spend it having quality time with Jasmine and each other, after lunch we took the little one up to her room for a nap and then Jade and I went downstairs to have tea with music on the radio in the background.

I decided that that would be the right time to broach with Jade the subject I wanted to talk to her about and had been putting off for the last few weeks.

I called her attention and saw her looking at me with curious eyes and a bright smile, I invited her to sit on the couch and turned down the volume of the radio, she stood by and I went to my bag to get the note Professor Johnson had given me.

"What is it?" she asked holding out the slip of paper.

"Well, one day a few weeks ago I went for a walk and stopped at the London Library, I ran into an old professor of mine and this is his number" I told her quietly.

"And?" she motioned me to continue.

"He said if you want he could help you prepare for the university admission tests" I smiled excitedly. Jade on the other hand stood motionless and without expression.

"Perrie, you know very well that they will never accept me" she finally said irritated, placing the note on the coffee table and getting up.

"Jade, things are changing, even Cambridge now accepts women, all universities have places in women's colleges and you can get a degree" I told her in an assertive tone.

"Besides we both know that places are limited, then even if we pretend that my background doesn't matter, we both know that I don't have the skills to get into a university. I can barely read and write in English" she told me with increasing irritation.

"Jade, that's exactly why Professor Johnson offered to help you, he could teach you the things you lack and you could try" I told her in awe, I saw the anger in her eyes and regretted my idea.

"Damn it, Perrie! I'll never get in! Not even if I had the best grades... they'll only look at my skin"

"That's not true, there are black women who have been accepted. I'm not saying it will be easy, I'm saying it's possible!"

Jade huffed and laughed bitterly, "And what am I supposed to do with Jasmine, huh? We need money, I can't just drop everything to try a pipe dream"

"I'm there for Jasmine, and you can move back here" I said hesitantly.

"Sure, so you can feel better about yourself helping poor penniless immigrants" she said ironically raising her voice.

"Is that really what you think of me, Jade? That I do this just to clear my soul?" I asked her with irritation.

"You don't understand, Perrie! You don't understand what it's like to live in a world that hates you just because you were born in the wrong place, or that doesn't give you any opportunities just because your skin colour is different!"

"This is an opportunity!" I shouted standing up in frustration.

"I don't want help from an old white man who will only do it out of pity!"

"Damn it! Why can't you just accept that sometimes people just want to help you? This is an opportunity for you, for Jasmine. There's nothing wrong with letting people help you sometimes" I finally told her losing hope, "Anyway it's your life, think about it if you want to"

"I'd better go" she finally said without looking at me.

"Wait, Jade. Where are you going?" I asked following her as she walked up the stairs to pick up Jasmine.

"For a walk, I need some air"

She walked out slamming the door and I winced at the loud noise, I leaned against the wall regretting the idea of telling her about it or thinking about it in the first place, Jade was right, some things I couldn't understand, I knew that if the situation was already difficult for me, it would be three times more difficult for her, but I hoped she could get past her pride and use that opportunity for her and our family's wellbeing.

Days went by and Jade didn't hear back, I tried to stop by the laundry but Norma told me she needed some time, however I thought that on the very next Saturday we had Jasmine's birthday party and I wanted to know if Jade still wanted to take her to the beach or if she would simply cancel everything to not see me, I asked Norma to just leave her that message and let me know what I should do.

I spent the whole week shooting around the city capturing scenes of everyday life and developing them at home to keep myself as busy as possible, I went back to Boots the Chemist several times to stock up on film and talk to the nice salesman who had helped me the first time, Liam.

As promised I also brought him some of the photos I had taken and he was surprised and fascinated, complimenting me on how well I had done, also saying that I was a born photographer, often returning to the shop we became friends, he recommended several books that could help me improve my technique and each time he insisted that I show him my new creations.

It was Thursday afternoon and Jade still hadn't let me know anything about what to do on Saturday, I was at the shop passing the time looking through the various camera accessories, trying to distract myself from the weight I felt in my chest after spending so many days without seeing her or Jas.

"Perrie!" Liam caught my eye smiling at me from across the counter, I caught up to him and greeted him, "Remember those pictures you left me a couple of days ago? I showed them to my boss and he was impressed" he told me, smiling.

I thanked him and he continued, "Well, we're having a small exhibition of up-and-coming photographers here on Sunday and my boss thinks your photos can be exhibited, if you want you can fill out this form and bring me the ones you think are best" he said enthusiastically and I gasped at the opportunity, "Don't expect a big event but it will be a way to showcase your photos and there will be plenty of enthusiasts to talk to"

"Wow, Liam, I don't know what to say" I replied incredulously, "Of course I'd love to!" I squealed at last attracting the attention of half the people in the shop.

Liam smiled and handed me the form, I filled it out and told him I would bring the pictures I wanted to feature the next day so we could pick them out together, on my way home I walked through Hyde Park and stopped at Harrods looking for a present for Jasmine, even if I hadn't seen her that Saturday I would have asked Norma to give it to her along with a note I wrote to her when I got home.

I took a blue cotton dress with cherry prints, white piping on the short sleeves and a white collar. I pictured Jas in that dress and imagined her eyes full of wonder when she saw it, I hoped Jade would let me see her and spend her birthday with her, but given the silence over the past week I gave in to the idea that it would not be like that.

Thinking about it even more I couldn't help but let my paranoia catch up with me and wondered if that quarrel actually meant a real break-up and the end of our story.

I began to wonder if she had left forever without giving me a chance to apologise or even say goodbye to Jas as was appropriate but then I thought that Jade would not behave like that, neither to me nor to her daughter.

I tried to tell myself again and again until I was persuaded and tried not to think about the alternative, although the more hours I went without hearing from her, the more my fear that she wouldn't return increased.

On Friday I woke up with anxiety and agitation wondering if I would get a phone call from Jade or Norma to let me know anything, I tried to keep my mind occupied and went back to the shop to meet Liam, who was already there waiting for me curious to see all my works.

We stayed for about a couple of hours going through the photos, finally choosing the five best ones, my new friend asked me for some information that I would like to have written in the author space and asked me how many places to reserve for my friends or family.

At that moment I froze, I told him to keep three, for Lesy and my mother, and inside I wondered whether to keep another three for Norma, Jade and Jas.

After much thought I told him to keep six, hoping to have the opportunity to settle things with Jade and possibly invite her.

Liam agreed and we said our goodbyes, I tried to respect Jade's choice not to want to see or talk to me but eventually I gave in to my anxiety and went to the laundry hoping to talk to her or at least Norma.

When I got there I was told that neither of them were there and I felt my heart sink, I went home and slumped on the sofa feeling more alone than ever and it felt like the world was black and white again.

I went to sleep early wanting my head to shut down and take away all the paranoia, with tears streaming down my face I thought I was going to miss my daughter's birthday and I couldn't help but think that after the big fight and a week of silence, Jade really had decided to shut me out of her life. 

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C