26th October 1949

Chapter 6

I got married on a Saturday morning in September in a small church in the English countryside, the ceremony was long and most of the guests were my father's friends and some family members, my mother didn't look happy at all but, like me, she stuck a fake smile on her face throughout the day.

We both knew that I too was destined to follow her footsteps and live a marriage based on appearances, the day before the ceremony my father told me that a happy marriage can be seen, not as a holy state or something that some can fortunately achieve, but rather the best path, the easiest way and the most correct way of life for everyone. 

A/N - The sentence in cursive is actually taken from an instruction book for women in which was explained how it was proper for women to behave, published in '53, that was very successful. Phyllis Whiteman - Speaking as a Woman, (London: Chapman & Hall, 1953), page 67

The 1950s in Britain were traditionally seen as a sensitive period for militant feminism. Following the World War II a new emphasis was placed on official marriage and the traditional family as the foundation of the new welfare state, thus limiting the progress and liberation we were trying to achieve.

The wedding was also attended by Jesy and Leigh-Anne with their families, I was happy to see my Jamaican friend, I felt the closeness and empathy during that day and saw support in her gaze, I thanked my father for introducing her to me, although for him it was just another way to climb the social ladder, for me it turned out to be an encounter that turned into a friendship that lasted for many years to follow.

Watching Jesy, on the other hand, did nothing but further break my heart with the realisation that I had lost my best friend to something over which I had no control. The two of us never spoke of Jade or my feelings for her again.

I was in love with a woman and that was my sin and my burden.

However, that day, right during the wedding I felt the warmth and sweetness I had come to know from my friend, I knew that even though our friendship was over and even though she hated what I had become, or rather, what I had discovered myself to be, Jesy was still close to me. 

She was aware that I didn't want to marry Chris and she was aware that I didn't love him, I saw sadness and compassion on her behalf and a part of me was still glad to have her in my life and I recalled with happiness the moments we had had in our friendship and knew, that although things had ended badly, I would treasure the time I had had the opportunity to spend with her.

A few weeks passed, my relationship with Chris was almost non-existent, I took responsibility for the house as I had been taught and he was away most of the day to work. We barely spoke at home and ignored each other the rest of the time, we tried to have a child but to his disappointment it didn't happen. 

Then one Monday morning in late October, he had to leave for a mission and was relocated to Ireland.

I once again thanked the strange fate for taking him away from me and took advantage of his absence to go back to doing what I wanted.

With marriage came more independence from my father, whom I had not seen since I had moved in with Chris, and the opportunity to get my driving licence, with Chris leaving without needing his car I found myself with the chance to have his car and free time without anyone keeping an eye on me.

A/N - Perrie and Chris's home

I went to feminist meetings again and started to read and study as much as I could, I had also mentioned to Chris my desire to get a job and do my part in our marriage, but he forbade me to do so, saying that my part was to be his wife and take care of the home and children that would one day arrive.

It was late October when I was at home reading a book on art, which had soon become my new passion, wanting to learn all the stories and facets hidden behind every painting or sculpture that adorned museums, when the doorbell rang.

Surprised, I headed for the door and felt the blood drain from my face as I found the friend I had lost months before, standing in front of me.

"Hello, Perrie" she smiled, "May I come in?"

Despite the sadness I would never deny her hospitality, so I nodded and moved aside inviting her in and taking a seat, went to the kitchen and under the guise of making us some tea I tried to clear my head with little success. Why had she come there and why did she want to see me after all that time?

I went back to her and offered her the hot drink while I took a seat in front of her waiting for an explanation.

"I owe you an apology" she said with honesty in her voice, I felt my eyes turn watery and nodded my head.

"I guess I was scared at your confession and didn't try to understand you, but it was wrong and I hope one day you can forgive me" her voice was low and dull and I could see she could barely hold back the tears.

I didn't know what to think, I tried to put myself in her shoes and realised that I would probably have reacted in the same way if I had been her, although relationships between women were never really legally condemned, we were aware that socially they were frowned upon and discriminated, for men the situation was different, including investigations to find homosexuals and even imprisonment.

I knew that homosexuality was considered a mental illness and as much as it was impossible for me not to have those feelings for Jade, I knew I was wrong and against nature.

I was not able to completely forgive Jesy at that moment, I would need more time and a chance to see how things would go from there, but I accepted her apology and thanked her.

"I understand your struggle, Jesy, and I thank you for coming all this way to tell me, I hope we can reclaim our friendship at some point" I told her honestly.

She let go of the tears and hugged me, I felt comforted in her arms, that comfort I so needed at a time when I felt more alone than ever.

"There is something else I would like to tell you and I don't want it to be an excuse for my behaviour, because I know I was wrong, but I know you are the only one who could understand me" she said looking at me deeply.

I nodded waiting for her to continue, "I reacted that way not because I thought you were wrong or sick" she stated and I frowned in confusion, motioning her to continue for an explanation, "I reacted that way because what was happening to you was happening to me too, and hearing you talk that way made it real" she told me.

"I'm sorry, Jesy, I'm not understanding" I whispered.

"I think I'm in love with a girl too" she finally declared.

We stayed silent as I tried to absorb the information just put on the table and looked at her to find lies or mockery in her gaze but I saw only truthfulness.

"Oh" was all I could say.

Jesy smiled but I saw sadness in her gaze, I squeezed her hand and smiled warmly showing her I was there for her.

"So do you want to tell me who this is about or can I just guess?" I told her with sincere affection.

She laughed before looking at me with a glance of understanding, "I guess you already know, don't you?"

"Well, I saw your face the first time you saw her, you couldn't take your eyes off her" I smiled.

Jesy laughed nervously, "Please don't remind me, I made a terrible first impression, thankfully she reacted well"

"Does she know?" I asked her curiously. Jesy lowered her gaze and I immediately felt the tension fill the room.

"No and I don't think she will ever know, I don't want to lose her" she admitted and I understood her concern.

"Leigh-Anne is a clever girl, I don't think you'll lose her if you confess it to her" I told her even though inside I could understand Jesy's hesitation and fear in confessing her feelings to our friend, as far as Leigh was open-minded and bright, we didn't know how she might react to such news.

"I'll think about it. Thank you Perrie, really" Jesy smiled, "So... would you like to tell me about Jade?" she asked smiling but changed her expression as soon as she saw my sad, watery eyes.

I sighed not really knowing if I wanted to talk about it but then I realised that I finally had my best friend back and I really needed to get it all out, I had been locked in myself for too long and I wanted to take the opportunity to finally have someone I could be myself with.

"Well, the last time I saw her was two days before the wedding" I admitted and a smile appeared on my face at the memories of that night.

"Does she know how you feel about her?"

"I haven't told her in words... but I think she knows"

"Wait... are you saying that you..." the words hung in the air as Jesy made strange gestures with her fingers and a sly smile appeared on her face, her expression was borderline between comical and creepy and despite my embarrassment I couldn't help but laugh at her. I nodded in laughter and saw her face turn as red as a pepper.

It didn't take long as she asked me for all the details that I flatly refused to reveal.

"What are you going to do now?" she asked me seriously after our teasing.

"Nothing" I said simply, "I know I will never see her again. I'm married to Chris and I promised him loyalty... and besides, if my father found out he would probably kill me"

"I think you need to find her, Perrie. We only have one life and we have the right to be happy"

I listened carefully to her words and let them sink in, Jesy was right but it was utopian to think that Jade and I could have a romantic romance at that time. Society's judgement and our differences would have ended up destroying us and we would have had to live as clandestines hiding from people's eyes.

"Those are nice words, Jesy, and I would like to believe them, but it's no time for us" I said bitterly.

"I don't agree. I think you have to fight for her. I know Jade is somewhere waiting for you and I know you'll never really be happy without her. Take the risk, Pez"

Jesy and I talked for hours that day, and by the end of the afternoon it seemed that nothing had changed between us, in spite of what I had thought only a few hours before, I didn't need any more time to forgive her, we talked again and she apologised explaining to me in detail how she had felt during my confession. I understood all her reasons and felt genuine support from her for everything in my life. I knew what we had been through was just a bump in the road but that our friendship was strong enough to overcome that stalemate.

I thanked her for her solidarity with the promise to meet again a few days later together with Leigh-Anne.

That night, for the first time in a long time, my heart felt a little lighter, although the memory of Jade continued to haunt me and follow me wherever I went.

26th October 1949

A few days passed and like every Wednesday I went shopping and other errands, my outings were more and more an excuse to liaise with the women I had met in feminist circles with whom I was making friends and with whom I could open up about the frustrations of my marriage, thanks to their support I also regained the desire to study and go back to reading my beloved women poets and writers, finding in their words the courage to persevere and seek change.

I took Chris's car thanking for the good things that had come out of the poor marriage and drove across town to my destination, on the way back I stopped last at a small grocery shop to complete my purchases thinking of inviting Jesy and Leigh-Anne for an informal dinner the next day.

A/N Perrie's car - 1949 Buick Roadmaster, (I know the Buick is American but I chose it in reference to the car in the Shout Out to My Ex video, a 1961 Buick LeSabre). Plus, how hot would a Perrie from the '50s look in this car? 🫠

I was coming out of the small shop when sounds and shouting caught my attention, I walked towards the noise and was stunned by the sight in front of me, some men were insulting and physically assaulting a girl, with offensive words about the colour of her skin and her origins.

I could not see the woman, but I heard her voice as she pleaded with them to stop beating her, anger poured into me and I looked for someone to help me stop the assault but they all stood by and did nothing, I shouted at the men to stop with no avail, until my friend Leigh-Anne appeared to my right and stepped in to protect the girl.

I also saw Jesy join in and then other women helping us, until finally the men stopped and left, looking at us with anger and disgust painted on their faces.

I ran to the girl and saw her on the ground shaking and panting, I walked over and brushed her hair away from her face, remembering my first encounter with Jade in that alley, when the girl covered her face with her hands to protect herself.

As I had done with Jade I whispered to the girl, "I don't want to hurt you, let me help you" my voice was shaky and tears pooled in my eyes thinking back to the woman who had stolen my heart, I closed my eyes and shook my head to push away the memories of her when I heard the familiar voice.

"P-Perrie?"

I opened my eyes and looked at the woman in front of me, blood drained from my face and I felt a cold sweat beading on my forehead when I saw the woman lying on the ground and covered in blood.

"Oh my God"

I heard the sound of footsteps approaching us and I saw Jesy and Leigh-Anne, their gazes were on the girl and they asked her how she was doing but she didn't answer, she just looked suspiciously at my friends, probably wondering what a strange group we were.

"Help me carry her to the car" I told them and together we tried to lift her without hurting her, we got to the car and sat her down.

"What's your name, dear?" Leigh-Anne asked her softly.

She looked at me and I nodded telling her she could trust them, she closed her eyes and sighed.

"Jade"

I saw Jesy and Leigh's eyes go wide and look at me wondering if that was the same person I had mentioned weeks before, when I nodded they smiled and reassured her.

"Come on, I'll take you home" I finally said and she nodded.

I said goodbye to my friends, thanking them for their help and walked back to the car where Jade was waiting for me, watching my every move.

We remained silent for most of the journey, and I held her hand tightly as I drove to my house.

"You took a wrong turn" Jade told me, "I live on the other side of town, remember?"

"I'm taking you to my place. You need a hot bath and rest"

"The husband won't be happy about that" she said with mockery in her voice.

"He's not here. And I don't care what he thinks about it"

Jade looked at me without saying anything and squeezed my hand tighter, then turned looking out the window as the music from the radio filled the silence leaving us holed up in our thoughts.

Once at my home I helped Jade out of the car and supported her as I walked her inside, I saw her looking around like a deer caught in the headlights and invited her to sit on the soft couch but she refused.

She seemed to be walking on eggs and I sensed her discomfort, "I don't want to make a mess" she said.

"Don't worry" I smiled, "Have a seat". She faltered and seemed uncertain but eventually gave in to her tiredness and pain and sat down, I went to the kitchen and made her a hot chocolate, I came back with the drink and some biscuits and handed them to her.

She looked at me hesitantly but I saw a small smile pull at her lips and her eyes light up, I couldn't help but smile at the sight in front of me as she pounced on the chocolate and food.

"What were you doing there?" I asked her.

She swallowed the morsel and then looked at me shamefully, "I was looking for food" she said simply, "I was hoping someone would give me something, Jasmine needs to eat"

Her eyes were sad and I could not even imagine her suffering and sense of helplessness.

"You need it too" I declared seeing that she had lost weight again.

"She needs it more than I do" she said with irritation.

I nodded not wanting to contradict her, "You can stay here for a few days and bring Jasmine and your mother" the words came out of my mouth even before I could think of the meaning.

I knew Chris wouldn't be back for months but yet the plan was risky.

"I can't, Perrie. And I don't want your charity"

"It's not charity. I just want to help you. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve a better future and so does your daughter"

"Don't bring my daughter into this!" Jade shouted and I tried not to show the fear I felt invading me.

"Are you afraid?" she asked. I shook my head but didn't face her in the eyes, "Yes, you are afraid. Why?"

"It's not important. And that wasn't what we were talking about anyway" I replied coldly. Silence filled the room and the tension was palpable as our gazes met.

"It will only be for a few days, Jade. You need to get yourself together and winter will be here soon. I'm only offering you a warm place and real food" I tried again.

She thought about it for a long time and finally agreed, "Fine, but only until I'm better. And my mother will hate you anyway" I laughed at her last sentence and saw a smile grace her lips.

When she finished her drink and biscuits I walked her to my room and like the first time I asked permission to help her undress which she granted. Her body was shabby and bruised and her ribs were becoming more and more obvious, I sighed wishing things could change instantly but knowing that I would only have a few days with her and that would not be enough. I decided that I would do whatever I could to make her stay as comfortable as possible and enjoy her permanence there.

I helped her up and gently unhooked her bra and removed her panties, then accompanied her to the bathroom and sat her on the toilet while the tub filled with hot water.

When it was ready, I helped Jade into the tub and sat on the floor holding her hand and watching her body relaxing.

"I haven't had a hot bath in ages" she whispered but loud enough for me to hear her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore but this is helping" she smiled.

I took some water with my hands and poured it over her hair, "What are you doing?" she asked in a mix of confusion and laughter.

"Shhh... just relax" I whispered, "Close your eyes"

She did as suggested and I wet her hair again, then I took the shampoo and put some on my hands and started massaging her head weaving my fingers into her soft curls, I saw her face relax and I started scratching her scalp tearing a satisfied sigh.

I rinsed her hair and did it all over again two more times, finally I used conditioner and when I looked at her I saw her asleep with a smile on her face.

I took a long look at her beautiful features and stroked her face. I checked her body and saw red and purple spots, sighed trying to push away the pictures of those stupid men beating her and finally decided to wake her up to finish washing her and get her out of the tub.

When she came out I massaged her purple areas with a cream to treat bruises and contractures and told her to use it twice a day until they disappeared.

I lent her some of my clothes while I put hers in the wash even though they were worn and there would be little left to save, but I didn't want to throw them away knowing they were among the few things she owned.

"Do you want to rest or shall we go get your mother and Jasmine?" I asked her.

"I won't sleep until I know they are safe"

I nodded and together we walked out of my house, it was almost evening and the sun was setting, the streetlights were already on unlike the ones in the neighbourhood where Jade lived and that was just another sign of the differences between us.

"My mother is going to go crazy" she laughed as she looked out the window, a giggle escaped my lips imagining her expression when Jade would tell her they would be staying with me for a few days.

"You know I still don't know her name?" I told her.

"Oh. Norma... Norma Badwi" she said to me, smiling.

"That reminds me, I still don't know your last name"

She looked at me and laughed, "Right, it's Thirlwall, Jade Amelia Thirlwall"

"Wow... Amelia. That's a beautiful name" I smiled hearing the sound.

"And you?"

"Perrie Louise Edwards"

"So high and mighty, Miss Edwards" she teased me and I laughed loudly at the strange accent she used. Soon after she joined me and our laughter blended filling the car, I daydreamed of being able to hear that sound forever but tried to push that desire to the back of my mind.

"Here we are" I said once in front of Jade's house.

"Here we are" she whispered, "Well, you'd better wait here, but lock yourself in. You're being too conspicuous with this car" she said looking around and following her gaze I noticed many people staring at us.

I nodded as she got out of the car, closed the doors and waited a long time. About half an hour later I saw Jade leaving the house with little Jasmine in her arms and her mother following her with a big bag.

If looks could kill, I would have died at that moment under the accusing gaze of Mrs Badwi-Thirlwall.

I unlocked the doors allowing Jade to get into the car, her mother looked at me and finally persuaded to get into the back seat.

"I don't like you, but I will accept your help until Jade is feeling better". I nodded without breaking eye contact with her before turning around and starting the car.

"Nice to meet you too, Miss Badwi" 

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A/N -  Hope you enjoyed it! If you want to ask anything or say whatever you think, this is the right space!❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C