15th September 1949

Chapter 4

Days and weeks went by and I could not comprehend what had happened with Jade, I spoke to no one about it, not even Jesy or Leigh-Anne who was now to all intents and purposes my best friend along with Miss Nelson.

The memory of the kiss with Jade reappeared at every moment, it took away my sleep and even my dreams were haunted by her face and lips.

Meanwhile, my father had almost finished organising the wedding. I found myself hoping that the same wedding I had despised so much would somehow bring me back to the right path, but every time I thought of Chris... I felt only disgust. Every time I looked at his lips... I longed for the brunette's. Every time I touched his hands... I longed for Jade's touch.

The wedding was only a few days away, then that whole thing would be over and one day forgotten, but I didn't want that to happen.

I looked for answers in my beloved books, but the love described was always and only between a man and a woman, I inquired among feminist circles, there I discovered that not everything was as it seemed, I began to read the poems of Sappho or the writings of Virginia Woolf, who had died only a few years earlier, and I found out about the rumoured affair with the poet Vita Sackville-West or Emily Dickinson and her alleged affair with Susan Gilbert.

The more I read, the more I felt understood, but that wasn't enough to extinguish the fears and emotions I felt towards Jade. Homosexuality was seen as a disease and I found myself in limbo not knowing my place or my identity.

My readings were frowned upon by my father who considered them too progressive and scandalous, more and more riots were occurring, on the one hand for women's rights, on the other for black people's rights.

Change was getting closer, but it required sacrifice, the same sacrifice I felt I had to make for myself.

I decided that keeping it all bottled up inside wouldn't help me and I would end up going crazy if I didn't tell someone about it, the only person I could ever confess such a dark secret to was Jesy, but for the first time I found myself fearing her reaction and judgement.

I made up my mind that it was time to take a risk, hoping that my friend could give me the comfort I so desperately needed, so I went to her house, as I did a few weeks before. Her mother let me in and accompanied to Jesy's room, where she was already waiting for me.

I sat on her bed and took a deep breath ready, perhaps, to admit my deepest, darkest secret.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on with you?" she asked.

I wondered if it was so obvious, in the eyes of others, that I felt lost, wondered if my mother, or even my father, also realised that something had changed in their daughter.

"I don't know how to say it, Jesy. Something is happening to me and I don't know how to explain it" I admitted to my best friend.

"It's about... you know, what we talked about a few months ago?" she asked me raising both eyebrows. I nodded uncertainly not knowing how to continue, "So are you ready to tell me who made you fall in love?" she asked smiling.

"I'm not in love!" I exclaimed having never considered the possibility that I might be, but now that the idea had been put on the table, new fears and doubts assailed me. 

Could I have been in love with Jade? Could I have been in love with a woman?

I wasn't like those writers and poets with lives full of lovers and debauchery, I was just a girl trying to understand who she was and what her role was in the world, but still, deep down I only felt understood by those poetesses full of lovers and with dissolute lives.

So, could I have been in love with Jade?

"Sure... so who is he? I take it it's not Chris or you wouldn't be wandering around like you're committing a sin, so..." Jesy left the words hanging in the air unaware that she had just said exactly what I feared, what was happening to me was immoral, unnatural and wrong. And yes... it was a sin.

"Jesy... that's the problem" I murmured but couldn't continue, I saw her eyebrows furrow and her hand squeeze mine, "It's not a boy" I finally admitted.

Silence fell and filled the room, I felt Jesy's hand leave mine and her eyes widen in realisation, "What do you mean it's not a boy? Are you saying- you're saying it's a-"

"Girl" I declared, "I think I'm in love with a girl" I admitted solemnly.

We fell silent again and I saw Jesy staring at me like she was trying to figure out if that was a joke, when she realised I was serious, her gaze changed and for the first time I found coldness.

"I think it's time for you to go, Perrie" she said without looking at me.

I felt the world crumble beneath my feet and my heart break at the realisation that I had lost my best friend and the one person I thought I could confess any secret to, I felt lost again, humiliated and broken. I realised that there was something terribly wrong with me and I didn't know how I could change.

Every attempt to put Jade out of my mind had failed, every attempt to look at Chris with different eyes had failed.

I felt tears pricking my eyes and I ran out of the Nelson house, ran towards my house and once in my room I found myself crying and screaming while biting my pillow.

I convinced myself that the best option was to bury any kind of feeling for Jade, I would do everything in my power to forget her, I started by throwing away all the books of the poets I had grown fond of, I stopped going to feminist meetings, I tried to spend more and more time with Chris, despite the fact that his presence did nothing but disgust me, and eventually, I even got interested in the wedding preparations.

After a few weeks, Jade was more and more a memory that still found me in dreams, sometimes, but was increasingly distant.

My father seemed to be proud of my change, while my mother resigned herself to the idea that I had finally given up too.

For all appearances, Jesy and I continued to see each other but progressively less and less and by then our relationship was nothing more than publicity. Leigh-Anne realised that something had changed between us, she tried to ask me several times what had happened but the fear of losing her too, prevented me from telling her the truth. For her part, Jesy, didn't reveal my secret to anyone proving that although our friendship was over, my trust had not been misplaced.

So it was that without me realising it, the week of the wedding arrived, just two days and I would become Mrs Taylor, fear was part of every ounce of blood in my body, I was terrified at the idea of joining him in marriage, just as I was terrified at the idea of what would happen between us on our wedding night.

I hated the idea that at some point Chris would touch me in the way I only wanted Jade to do.

It was a stupid and insane idea, but I decided that I needed to see her one last time before I married Chris, I needed to say goodbye to Jade as she deserved, maybe I had been nothing to her, just an insignificant kiss to an unconscious young girl, but she was the light in the grey of life for me.

Whether she wanted it or not, Jade had changed me forever and I wanted her to know it before disappearing.

15th September 1949

I spent the day cooking, something I had by then learnt to do well under instructions from my mother and father, because every wife must satisfy her husband, even with the pleasures of taste.

I took a wicker basket and put bread, meat, potatoes, vegetables and pastries inside it, I thought if that was to be my farewell, I would have liked Jade to have at least one good memory of me, perhaps something she could share with her family.

I left my house in the afternoon and walked the route I was by then familiar with, as I walked through those streets the memories came back sharp and vivid, everything I had worked so hard to forget came back with such lightness and simplicity and before I knew it I was standing in front of Jade's house for the third time.

I knocked on the door with confidence, knowing that it would be my last visit and not wanting to waste any time, the door opened revealing Jade's mother again, her eyes widened when she saw me and she tried to close the door, but I didn't let her.

I showed off my manners and introduced myself as was appropriate, then said I had brought a gift for Jade, the woman scoffed and tried to close the door again.

"Please, I need to see her" I begged her.

"What do you want with my daughter? Wasn't that enough for you last time?"

"What do you mean?"

She laughed at me, "Please, she was devastated when I came home, she didn't go to work for days until she was fired! Do you want to tell me what you did to my little girl to hurt her like that?" she spoke angrily and I felt my heart break at the realisation that without meaning to, I had hurt Jade.

I apologised and begged her again to let me in but the woman refused, I was about to give up when I heard the sweet sound of her voice a short distance away, "Mum! Who's at the door?"

I heard footsteps and then I saw her.

Jade was standing a few steps away from me, her skin paler, her face thinner and dark circles more noticeable, but she was still a work of art, I realised that whatever had happened in the last two months was devastating for the Egyptian girl, she was completely different from how I remembered her, she looked tired and emaciated and it was obvious that she needed food or even medical attention.

When she saw me her eyes filled with sadness and regret, her mother made one last attempt to close the door but Jade herself didn't let her that time, instead she invited me in and so I did, the small house seemed even more cramped and I looked around in search of Jasmine but I didn't find her, I felt my heart quicken wondering where that pretty little girl was and I wondered if her absence had anything to do with Jade's shabby appearance.

"Where is Jasmine?" I asked voicing my thoughts.

"At her friend's" the girl replied quietly as her mother looked at me with suspicion and anger.

I nodded trying to look confident, which I wasn't even close to being, and then moved to pull out the food I had brought, "Here, I have a present for you" I told her softly. I started pulling out all the plates and dishes I had carried and Jade's eyes lit up, while her mother snorted with disdain.

"Did you come here for charity?" she asked indignantly.

"N-no... I just wanted to be polite"

"We don't need your politeness, nor your pity" she replied.

Again, I regretted all the choices I had made over the past months and again I felt lost and helpless.

"Enough, Mum" Jade's voice interrupted the silence, I looked at her and saw her staring at me gratefully, "Thank you, Perrie" she smiled at me.

Her mother gave a wry laugh before leaving us to go to work, I said goodbye to her, which of course she didn't return and I was left alone with Jade.

Immediately another awkward silence fell, Jade stared at me with an indecipherable expression and I thought of what to say to her and how to apologise for running away, most of all I wanted to know what had happened to her in the previous two months and why she had had such a meltdown.

Jade moved and got some plates and glasses, then checked the food and prepared two plates with the dishes I had cooked, filled a jug with water and sat down, motioning me to do the same.

I caught up with her and took my seat as she smiled at me, then she began to eat eagerly as if she was starving, and judging by the state of her body, she probably was. I also started to eat slowly, carefully watching Jade in her every movement, from her expressions I could tell that her favourite was meatloaf, while she probably didn't like cabbage, but she ate it anyway. She also liked potatoes and carrots but less so courgettes.

Not long after Jade had completely emptied her plate and I noticed her indecision whether to take more food or leave it, probably to give it to her mother and daughter, I pretended to be no longer hungry and asked her if she would like to finish mine, which she happily and enthusiastically accepted, it was a few minutes before my plate was also empty.

When she had finished I got up and cut two slices of apple pie and put them on the plates, then I took some cookies and put them on Jade's plate having realised the previous time that it was something she loved, as I suspected, as soon as she saw them her eyes sparkled and she began to assault the food enjoying every bite.

The sight of her face so happy filled my heart and I knew I wanted to see that smile every day for the rest of my life, possibly being the cause, then I remembered why I was there, that was a goodbye and I would never see Jade or that lovely smile again.

When we finished dinner, she looked at me expectantly but I didn't have the strength to speak, I didn't want that meeting to end and even more I didn't want to say goodbye.

"Perrie, why did you come back?" she asked when she realised I wasn't going to speak first.

"I wanted to see you again" I told her because it was the truth, only part of the truth, before Jade could ask more I worked up my courage and asked her what I wanted to know since I arrived, "What happened to you?"

She lowered her gaze to her empty plate and I saw her hand resting on the table shivering, I reached out and squeezed it, I felt the sparks at the touch again and saw her watery eyes staring at me intently, I thought she could read my soul at that moment and wondered if those feelings I had long tried to suppress were visible to her watchful eyes.

I realised she would not answer that question and I told her the only thing I felt in my heart, "I'm sorry for leaving" I whispered without breaking eye contact and hoping she would read the honesty in my eyes, "I... I got scared" I added, she nodded and tried to push my hand away but I wouldn't let her, "I got scared because of what I felt and... for what I feel"

I saw her sigh as the tears left her eyes, without thinking I stood up and walked over to her, I caressed her cheeks and wiped away the tears, the flashbacks of what had happened in that very room two months before pierced me but then we were in reverse roles, I moved closer to her as if I was drawn by an invisible force and closed the space between us.

My lips dwelled on hers and I felt the salty taste of her tears, I began to move my lips in a warm kiss full of adoration for the woman in front of me and I felt her lips move with mine, I traced the line of hers with my tongue and Jade opened them granting me access, I began to explore her mouth and heard her moan into the kiss, soon after I felt her tongue mingle with mine and I was the one moaning, we stopped only when we ran out of air in our lungs and pulled away.

Jade looked at me fearfully thinking that at any moment I would run away, but instead I brought my lips to hers again and kissed her again and again.

"I need to tell you something" I said brushing her lips knowing I couldn't put it off forever despite it was what I really wanted.

"No need. I understand" she whispered, "This is the last time. You won't come back"

I looked down and felt tears streaming down my face at the realisation that what Jade had just said was the pure and incontrovertible truth.

"I am getting married the day after tomorrow. My father decided it and there was no way to change his mind" I admitted sadly and angrily.

Jade grabbed my cheek with both hands and lifted my face so that our gazes met, then leaned in and kissed away my tears, I basked in the warmth of her lips on my skin and her gentle, caring touch on me.

"Why does it feel so right to be here with you?" I asked her reflecting my thoughts.

I saw her smile, "I don't know. But I wish I could stop time and stay like this forever"

"Maybe in another life" I told her quoting the words she had said to me at our first meeting, "Maybe in the future there will be a place for people like us" I whispered with the hope that the change would also bring that freedom.

"If this has to be the last time, make it worth it" she whispered inches from my lips.

I felt chills run down my spine as I realised what she meant by those words, I realised that I would never see Jade again and I would never have another chance to share it with her, I realised that in just two days I would be Chris's, no matter who my heart really belonged to, and I realised that was my last chance to feel her.

There was nothing else I wanted more than to feel her lips on my body or her touch on my skin. There was nothing else I wanted as much as to see her for the last time in the purest and most intimate way.

There was nothing else but the desire for her to make me hers even if only for one night, and leave me with the memory of what we had been, a memory I would cherish for the rest of my life.

A memory that I would keep until the day I died and that I would do everything in my power not to forget.

I kissed her again and let my emotions spill over into the kiss, I knew how I felt about Jade, even though I wasn't ready to admit it to her or even myself, I hoped that that kiss contained the meaning of my feelings and that Jade could feel it.

"Make me feel" 

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A/N - Hello everyone!!! I know you are probably hating me right now but since I love you I will publish the next chapter immediately ❤️

Enjoy... 😏

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C