23rd July 1949

Chapter 3

The days went by, I no longer spoke to my father, we ignored each other at home and tried to stay in the same room as little as possible with each other.

Jesy came to visit me the day after the dinner and asked me how I was, she brought me greetings from Leigh-Anne and I told her about the meeting with Jade, making her promise never to talk about it with anyone. I knew I could trust her. Throughout the story her eyes sparkled with curiosity and at the end she told me that she would like to meet her one day.

I was saddened by the thought, knowing that it would never happen again.

As the days went by, I constantly wondered how she was and what was happening in her life. Several times I found myself asking myself if she was in danger, if she was hurt or if she needed help, the pictures of the bruises on her body and the blood between her thighs did not leave my mind and the memory of her emotionless voice as she told me it would happen again only increased the fear in me.

Beyond that, I couldn't stop thinking about her face with perfect features, her smile gracing her rosy, plump lips, and her soft, warm hands and dark skin next to my pale, freckled one.

Again I found myself fantasising about those lips and wondering what was happening to me. I had never thought of anyone the way I thought of her, I had never longed for anyone's touch the way I longed for hers.

I tried to distract myself from those intrusive thoughts by spending a lot of time with Jesy, also to take my mind off my father and Chris, this led me to find myself in Leigh-Anne's company more and more often. The three of us were becoming good friends and the Jamaican girl would entertain us by telling us stories and traditions of her country.

When we went into bars, people looked at us with scorn and disgust because of the colour of her skin, and day after day, anger and resentment grew within me towards all those people who denigrated and insulted black people.

We were often asked to leave the bars or shops we entered, even when we claimed that Leigh-Anne was the daughter of a Count, people laughed at us and threatened us.

More and more often our meetings took place at the home of one of the three of us, it was safer, especially for Lee.

Our friendship grew so strong that I found myself sharing with Leigh-Anne the encounter with Jade as well. Like Jesy, Leigh was surprised and urged me to go and find her, making my desire to see her obvious.

Every time I thought of her I felt my cheeks turn a deep shade of red and my heart quicken, I wondered what all those strange feelings meant, I looked in books for answers but found nothing. I didn't know who I could talk to about it, I was ashamed and it all felt so wrong... but also so right.

One night I was in my bath soaking in hot water trying to put my thoughts in order. Inevitably I thought of Jade, again. I no longer knew what to do to banish the images of her from my mind, I felt haunted, I wanted to forget her even though deep down I hoped the memory of her would never leave me.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember every detail of her face and body. I felt myself lost in her eyes and felt the air not reach my lungs and my heart speed up, the memory of her naked body, her round full breasts and hard nipples chased each other in my mind and I felt an ache pulsing between my legs, I got scared having never felt anything like that before and with embarrassment I brought my hand to my button, I felt something slimy coming out of my sex and I wondered what was going on knowing that my period had ended a week before.

When I put my hand down, I felt my hard, swollen blossom and a sensation of pleasure overwhelm me at the touch.

I pushed my hand away in fear, although I wanted to experience that sensation once again, I knew it was wrong. I washed myself quickly and rinsed with cold water, hoping that would be enough to put an end to whatever had happened.

Days passed and the same thing happened more and more frequently, the throbbing was getting stronger and hurting more and more but I refused to relieve it. I didn't know what it meant and above all it was something deeply wrong.

I was more and more afraid that some illness had affected me but I was too ashamed to talk to my mother about it, so I went to the only person I knew wouldn't judge me and I hoped she would have an answer.

I arrived in front of the Nelson residence and rang the doorbell impatiently waiting for an answer.

Jesy's face appeared and seemed initially surprised, she looked at me and her expression changed to one of concern, "Are you okay, Perrie? What's going on?" she asked.

"I need to talk to you" I told her seriously and she quickly ushered me into the house and walked me to her room.

"Tell me" she said sitting on the bed and squeezing my hand.

I looked everywhere but in her eyes, "I think I have a disease" I told her in a low voice.

"What do you mean?" she asked me scared.

"I don't know, okay? Something is happening to me. I have this weird pain in..." the words hung in the air.

"Where?" Jesy asked me with even more concern and I regretted not rehearsing the speech earlier.

"Here" I pointed embarrassedly.

"At the belly?" she asked confused.

"Further down"

"At the legs?"

"Higher" I said with flushed cheeks. I looked at Jesy whose mouth formed an o.

"And... when I feel this pain down there it's... wet" I said in a voice steeped in shame.

I saw my friend smile and I frowned, "Do you think of someone when this happens to you?" she asked and I opened my eyes wide wondering how she knew.

My cheeks were purple by then and I nodded not trusting my voice.

She laughed amused and looked at me, "Oh, Perrie. It's not a big deal!" she continued to laugh and I didn't feel comforted. Jesy noticed and explained, "My sister explained it to me. She said that when you like someone a lot, I mean a lot, and you think about that person, it can happen. And she said that this is very helpful, you know, when you will have-" Jesy lowered her voice mimicking the word sex with her lips and I covered my face not understanding why we were talking about it.

I felt my cheeks burning and regretted going to her.

"Perrie, it's fine. It's a normal thing" my friend continued but I shook my head denying the idea, "Look, I know this may sound weird, but you're a woman now, that just means you want to have-" again she mimed the s word, "With the person you're thinking about."

"No, no, no!" I started to deny almost hysterically feeling panic make its way inside me.

Jesy was definitely getting it wrong. There was no way I was thinking about Jade like that, there was definitely no way I was thinking about a woman like that. It was all so wrong, I felt dirty and disgusting. I probably had a mental illness. Women must love men and men must love women. It wasn't possible for a woman to love another woman. I kept trying to convince myself again and again, but the more days went by, the more I found myself thinking about Jade, the more that pain between my legs grew.

I felt myself going crazy and trying to push those thoughts away only intensified them. Jesy told me that the only way to make that pain stop was to go along with it, so one night, tired and sweaty and in desperation, I gave in and did what my body had been asking me to do for weeks.

I let my hand roam up to my thighs and lifted my nightdress, slowly and with trembling hands, I slipped my hand into my panties and caressed my hard and sensitive button, for the second time, I felt my body pierced by waves of pleasure, I arched my back and closed my eyes absorbing the sensation I had never felt before and continued to caress myself drawing circles on my core, I felt the wetness soak the fabric of my panties and panic made its way in.

I regretted my idea and froze, knowing that what I was doing was wrong and disgusting. I removed my hand and curled up in bed with tears in my eyes in confusion and frustration, if it was so wrong, why did it feel so right?

I realised there was no way I could get away from it all.

I had to see Jade, I needed to see her and I needed answers.

It was that night that I decided that the next day, as soon as I woke up, I would return to her neighbourhood and find her home.

23rd July 1949

As decided, I got up early that morning and got ready, went downstairs and had breakfast with my mother while still ignoring my father. We were two strangers under the same roof.

I said goodbye to my mother telling her I was going to visit Jesy and instead walked to the other side of town where the woman who was slowly draining what was left of my mental sanity lived.

Arriving in front of the brothel, I checked the opening time and saw that it was closed, it wouldn't reopen until late afternoon and it was only nine o'clock in the morning, so I figured Jade had to be home. I was ashamed when I noticed people looking at me with surprise as I stood outside a brothel checking the schedule, I didn't even try to guess what they were thinking of me.

I walked towards Jade's house remembering the way by heart and once there, I wondered what I would say to her and cursed myself for not having prepared a plan. How do you tell someone that you are going insane thinking about them and that your body and mind are turning against you?

I raised my hand in the direction of the door, but immediately lowered it back down, wavering and wondering if that had been a stupid and useless idea. I raised my hand again and lowered it five or six more times until the door opened and a woman with dark hair and a complexion similar to Jade's looked at me with wide eyes. The woman must have been about my mother's age and I thought she might be Jade's mother.

"Are you lost, Miss?" she asked in awe and without looking me in the eye.

"I... I was looking for Jade" I told her in a soft voice.

The woman looked startled and I wondered if I had said something wrong.

"What do you want with my daughter?" her expression changed and she asked with irritation, I took a step back suddenly scared and the words died in my throat.

"I just need to talk to her" I stammered.

"Why would a rich white lady want to talk to my daughter?" the woman mocked.

I felt annoyance and frustration invade me and I only wished I could see Jade's angelic face and feel her skin on mine.

"Perrie?!" my thoughts were interrupted by the most beautiful and sweetest sound in the world. I turned and stood in front of the woman who had haunted my dreams and nightmares and whom I couldn't forget even if I wanted to.

"Do you know this woman, Jade?" her mother asked her. Jade nodded without taking her eyes off me.

"Perrie, are you all right? What are you doing here?" she asked with concern.

I looked closer at her face and noticed the dark circles under her eyes and her hollowed cheeks, she looked more tired and shabby than the last time I had seen her and yet she was still beautiful.

I lost myself in her eyes and saw that she too never looked away from mine.

Her mother cleared her throat, ending our moment, and I gathered all my courage to say what I needed to, "I need to talk to you". I saw the surprise in her eyes but she slowly nodded and walked straight past me, motioning me to follow her into the house under the accusing gaze of her mother who stared at me suspiciously the whole time.

When I entered I saw a beautiful little girl sitting on the bed, her hair was curly and long like Jade's, her blue eyes reminded me of the clear sky of the countryside where I had lived during the war, her skin was the same colour as Jade's and the resemblance was undeniable, as soon as she realised I was there she went and hid behind Jade's mother looking at me as if I came from another planet.

A/N - Who could she be? 👀

"Mum, you can go, I'll be fine here" Jade finally said.

The woman looked at me with irritation but nodded and advanced towards the door. I saw the little girl run towards Jade and jump into her arms and nuzzle her face into her neck, the silence in the room was as loud as the crash of a train. Jade cradled the baby and kissed her face.

"Bye love, be nice" Jade told her with a smile full of love.

"Bye, Mummy" replied the little girl and I felt the blood drain from my face at those words.

The little girl followed the woman, her grandmother, and together they left the house leaving Jade and me in an uncomfortable silence. Minutes ticked by and neither of us spoke, I kept thinking about what I had just seen regretting coming there in the first place and cursing the idea that I could have found answers or asked Jade for an explanation.

"Perrie" her voice interrupted my thoughts, "You said you needed to talk"

I nodded but the words didn't come out, Jade looked at me for a long time not knowing what to do until she turned and went to heat some water to make tea. I watched her carefully and memorised every movement. I stared at her fingers and the thought of them easing the pain between my thighs hit me like a train and made me flare up.

I tried to recover and took out the biscuits and muffins I had baked the day before with my mother and offered them to Jade, she looked at me with confusion but her eyes lit up and I saw her licking her lips with her tongue. I stared intently at the movement and replayed it in my mind like an endless movie.

The more I imagined it, the more I felt sweat beading on my forehead and shivers running down my spine, my heart beating too fast and the blood pumping in my ears as I watched Jade's slender fingers pick up a biscuit with uncertainty, break it off and bring it to her mouth, I watched her lips open and the movement of her mouth, I saw her eyes close and her face contract into an expression of pleasure as her tongue ran over her lips again to take the crumbs away and finally I saw her throat swallow.

I tried to swallow too but my throat was too dry and my brain was completely frozen, the dull throbbing between my legs was more and more insistent and I wanted to cry out in frustration.

I saw Jade slowly approach me, every step she took seemed too slow and it felt like time had stopped as I waited longer and longer for her to get closer, I closed my eyes and when I opened them again I found Jade standing in front of me, her breath hit my lips and the desire for them to meet was becoming more and more overwhelming.

Jade stepped closer again and her lips brushed against my ear giving me jolts of excitement all along my body, "Why are you here, Perrie?" she whispered leaving goosebumps all over my body. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow, I was motionless and most of all I wanted to feel her soft hands on my skin.

I didn't answer and Jade pulled away, I saw a smile and her pearly teeth hit me, I wondered what it would be like to be bitten by those teeth, I tried to push that thought from my mind but as with all the others I was unsuccessful.

She moved away and walked back to the stove and I went back to breathing.

She poured the tea into the two cups and invited me to sit down, I tried to pull myself together and finally took a step in her direction, I instantly realised that my panties were completely soaked so much that my thighs were sticky and I realised that never before had I gotten so wet.

With legs as weak as if made of jelly I made it to the chair and sat down in front of Jade, she thanked me for the cookies and muffins and ate more, offering them to me every time. I refused, wanting some to remain for her and her family, and so I thought again of her daughter.

"How old is she?" I asked her, the first words out of my mouth since I arrived at her house.

Jade smiled lovingly, "Four" she told me. We stayed quiet again, I wanted to ask her where the father was but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or touch on a potentially delicate subject, however my paranoia was short-lived because, as if she was reading my mind, she answered the questions in my head, "I don't know who the father is. When I started working I didn't know how it worked and shortly afterwards I got pregnant" she said.

I nodded not knowing what to say, "Her name is Jasmine and despite the circumstances, she is the most beautiful gift in my life" she smiled warmly.

I smiled back and lost myself in her eyes again but she brought me back to the present, "Perrie, I think you have to talk now" she said seriously.

"I don't know why I'm here" I sighed, "I needed to see you"

She looked at me curiously before asking why, I didn't have an answer to her question, just like I didn't have an answer to all the questions in my mind, I hoped she could give them to me but after being there I realised that once I left I would have even more doubts.

"I'm not the one you're looking for, Perrie" she told me.

I felt my heart break and I didn't understand why but those words had just made the whole world turn grey and I felt tears sting my eyes.

"You should go home"

I nodded knowing she was right but I felt an ache in my chest and the tears increasingly ready to fall, "What if I don't want to?" I asked her in a weak voice just a breath away from breaking.

She was speechless, she looked at me intently, searching for answers but none of us had them.

She stood up and approached me again, as before her face was inches from mine and as before, I hoped one of us would close the space between, I closed my eyes and swallowed, accepting that my visit there had been not only useless but also a terrible idea.

When I was ready to get up, I felt something wet brush my lips, I froze in place and did not dare open my eyes, millions of fireworks exploded in my stomach at that brief contact. I wondered if it was my imagination or if it had really happened.

I convinced myself that it was just my mind playing tricks on me and mentally laughed at myself, then I felt it again. The second time was not short, I felt the soft warm flesh on my lips and I breathed in trying to memorise the moment, Jade began to move her lips over mine and shortly after I did the same.

I savoured the sweet taste of her lips and felt her bite mine, I released a moan from my mouth and felt Jade's hot, wet tongue slip in, starting to explore every inch of my mouth, I chased her tongue with mine and when they brushed against each other I felt more fireworks explode in my body.

Goose bumps were all over my skin as Jade drained every part of me and kissed me passionately, I hoped that moment would last forever and held my breath so that I would never have to leave her side, but in the end we were forced to part.

I stared at her for what seemed like hours, I couldn't say anything, I had never kissed or been kissed. But the thought of her lips on mine made me realise that there was nothing in the world I wanted more.

I brushed my lips with my fingers, still feeling the taste of Jade's.

Then I understood what had just happened.

I stood up quickly and Jade almost fell over in surprise, "This shouldn't have happened. This is wrong. I'm sorry" I spoke hurriedly, "I have to go"

"Perrie, wait!" I heard her shout as I ran down the destroyed streets without looking back.

Everything was just so wrong. 

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A/N - Hello everyone! Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C